Will I regret or will my family hate me for staying with my BF instead of at home caring for mom?

Iy feally sounds to me that as a family you have your priorities somewhat skewed.

Children, like fledgling birds, are meant to leave the nest and establish their own family units. Supplying short term help in a crisis is one thing, but giving up your life and livelihood to give mom total care long term is unsustainable, in my world view.

I don't doubt that your siblings are cranky!!

Your parents had a lifetime to plsn for their old age and ill-health. Which of you has POA and access to mom's finances to see what sort of in-home help or Assisted Living facility mom can budget for?

This isn't just about getting back with your BF. This is about living your life.

My opinion… don’t go down this road.
Caregiving is difficult. It will impact you both negatively and positively. how long before you become resentful, 1year, 3?, 5?look down the road and visualize….

I’m retired. When my in laws started to need help in home… I could see the writing on the wall. SIL was quite verbal that we give up our retirement to care give. BIL was a sly dog, tells me that not his goal… then separates DH for walk and talks… (consisted MO in other family matters). He was after inheritance. We are talking 4-5 thousand dollars… each… long story short , I fought tooth and nail for my retirement… I know it’s not my family but it is my retirement…I didn’t work 45 plus years to do that.

FeelingLost, you wrote this in February, 2021:

"The challenge for my situation is that mom won't want anyone to care or help her other than her children. Mom always say she feels bad that we have to take care of her 24/7 but at the same time I don't see her accept any solutions to help eliviate be some of these.. as simple as wearing a diaper at night so that we all can help a proper sleep at night. Instead she would get mad at us and said she doesn't need help and will go to washroom on her own... Which ended up no one can sleep with piece of mind not worrying that she will fall without any help.
Late 2019 I sold my condo and moved into my parents house temporarily while looking to buy a new place. Then unexpectedly dad passed away followed by Covid outbreaks. My stay at home is much longer than I have planned for and now I feel stuck.
Since dad's passing, mom who suffered from CKD is getting weaker as she aged - she is 85. My brother is a very filial son and very controlling and protective person. In my opinion, he over cared for my mom. He will follow my mom around 24/7, afraid she will fall (which mom also refuses to use a walker or cane to support her) or being alone. By doing so, mom started to depend and rely on us more and more, even for things she is capable of doing. My brother expects us to do the same extend for mom. My sister will stay up all night to help mom in and out of bed to use the washroom and on average mom gets up every 2-3 hours throughout the night. And I am responsible for helping her change in the morning and at night, shower and soak her feet nightly. I am also taking care of vacuuming and mopping and doing laundry. Tension among my brother, sister and I are getting worse these days as my brother is stressing out and will let out his frustration at my sister and me.
I am the only one working and to be honest, I don't think I can commit to what my siblings are doing for mom. I love my mom is no less than my siblings but I believe in balance. We are in our early 50s and we need a life too before things passes by us.
I have a boyfriend but due to Covid situation, my mom and siblings are giving me the pressure that spending time with him, I may run the risk of contacting the virus and passing to mom. We have not spent time since last September. While he understands my family situation, I am not sure how long will our relationship be able to sustain. I am frustrated and torn inside. Don't know what to do.
A few years ago, I have suggested that we get a caregiver to come visit and take care of dad or a helper to take care of house work but all these are shut down by mom.
Once Covid is behind us, we need a solution. I really cannot commit to staying at home and taking care of mom 24/7 like my brother and sister do. This is not how I want to remember spending time with mom."

Caregiving only works if it works for ALL parties incolved (hat tip to Beatty who came up with that). This is NOT working out for you. Your brother in particular seems to be DISabling mom.

Your mother is endangering you all, physically and financially. Won't use a walker? She may well take one of you down in a fall, injuring you permanently. Will you and your silblings ever be able to retire?

Is your mother's inability to appreciate that she is wrecking your lives perhaps due to some cognitive decline?

I assume you've all had your vaccines by now and need to move back into the world.

If your siblings won't agree that mom needs more and better help than 3 worn out resentful middle-aged children, so be it. If you leave, they will realize the truth that much faster.

You are not selfish for not wanting to continue as a full-time caregiver. You are not obligated. You are not responsible for your mother (or brother or sister's) happiness. No one should assume another person into a life of caregiving.

You can make your exit less dramatic if you plan it well. If you solve some of the questions, concerns, fears and anxieties that your family will have, it will make things smoother (but probably not perfect). A wise thing to start with is to encourage your mother to get all her legal ducks in a row. This would mean investing in a consultation with an elder law attorney/estate planner/Medicaid planner. Hearing info from a professional 3rd party will help her see that how the care arrangement is "working" now is probably not sustainable much longer, financially or otherwise. She needs to assign durable PoAs if she hasn't already done this (and it is essential for the management of her future care, if she wishes to remain in control even when she is no longer able). She needs to create a Healthcare Directive (her Living Will) and maybe even a Last Will (less important if she has few assets). She can't afford to not get these legal protections in place. At this appointment you will probably get an idea of what her total assets really are, and therefore what she's able to afford if all siblings stop providing care (and no one other than your mom should be paying for any of it -- it is an unsustainable and punishing strategy to allow others to pay for any of her care).

Your mom may need to move into AL or LTC in a care community. Some states' Medicaid pays for some or all of AL cost, but the lawyer would know. In a facility she will be well protected and have a social outlet other than her children. Many good facilities have planned events, programs, clubs. Do a lot of research on what her realistic options are, then you can present the best replacement solution to your siblings first, then your mom after you and your siblings are on the same page. It may be one or both of them will not be happy with your plan. That is THEIR problem, not yours. Just don't leave them "holding the bag" as that will surely create ill will into the future. Change is often stressful and scary to people who can't see the solutions. Of course you are not obligated to go through all this effort but if you don't you will be dealing with the emotional fall-out from your family into the future. I wish you much success in getting your life back and hope your family sees the ultimate wisdom in it. May you gain peace in your heart no matter how they choose to react.

Time to move out. When u moved in, it was not permanent, COVID put a wrench in that. Don't move in with BF. Sometimes being apart does not make the heart grow fonder. You may have to take time to know each other. You cannot go home and live with ur siblings again. We change.

Call Office of Aging and ask if Mom can be evaluated. Her house too. Or call her doctor and ask if he can OK PT/OT for Mom to see what she is and is not capable of.

If Mom has money, use it to get help in. If she has no money, see if O of A has aides or sign Mom up for in home Medicaid. Tell ur siblings if they want to sacrifice their lives then they can but u aren't. You will be there to help. Give them a break but you can no longer live in this situation. Mom's care is going to be more and more because she is not willing to do things to make it easier on her kids. She needs you more than you need her.

This may be starting something you don't want to hear--but have you not all been vaccinated for COVID?

My entire family has been. Maybe 12 of a group of 40+ had covid and recovered, thank goodness, and the rest of us were vaccinated as soon as possible.

Once vaccinated, there is still a slight risk of catching a variant of the original covid, or even the original...

BUT--how long are you going to isolate to protect mom? And how long are you going to put your life on hold for her?

You have quite a few people caring for mom. If it's covid you're worried about, then bringing in more CG's just increases the possibity of bringing in more chances of infection.

I wouldn't move in with BF either. Find a small studio apt or whatever works for you to have some space and independence and start over. You can still be a part of CG for more, but more on your terms than hers.

Good Luck.

At some point you must fish or cut bait.

You are not selfish to want to pursue your life. People electing to have children have a responsibility to give those children the tools to meet life head on - (it goes without saying to the parents best ability to teach and the childrens best ability to learn). At some point parents should shove the children out of the nest to fly on their own - of course life happens but that should be the goal.

Children, on the other hand do not have the responsibility to take care of the parent. I don't mean to sound heartless - but the child should not give up their life to care for the parent. I don't believe in abandoning one's parent - just not 24/7/365. So if this is the relationship you want to pursue, then do it.

My mom is 88 years old and I recently moved her from AL to IL. She was in AL because of dad. Dad died 2 years ago. Tried to move mom within a year of dad's death but she wasn't ready. I was talking to care communities closer to me and one mentioned that mom would probably qualify for IL based on her needs which helps $ wise. After being locked down from COVID she couldn't move out of the old place fast enough.

We were both cautious about her going to IL but what she needed was help with meds and laundry. Well the meds got solved - got one of those pill containers for 31 days with 4 spaces (AM noon PM bed) and an alarm system. So far that has worked. The place she moved to has stackable washer and dryer - small - not as much bending - stressing her back. She only gets 2 meals during the week breakfast and dinner M-F; lunch Sat and brunch Sun. She still doesn't have to cook. The biggest stumbling block so far is the phone - she elected for a cell phone but is having trouble getting the hang of it. May have to go and get her a land line.

So I've set up her meds - oops forgot new month - but mom managed to get a couple days set up for herself and thankfully I'm back to taking her to med appts. - COVID was frustrating because I was more in the dark. So I'll probably be more hands on than I was but the facility also partners with in-home aids so there is that option. Keeping fingers crossed that this works out for however long she has. She has MCI which she thinks is worse since the pandemic, but I'm not really seeing it.

So maybe you and siblings can work out a system where you step in maybe do her weekly shopping or taking her to dr appts. Its also a good time for all of you to reassess how to care for mom in the future.

Wish you much luck.

Where is your own home? I ask because having read your post I think you should aim for two particular changes:

1. Get your mother a bedside commode for night-time toileting.
2. Move out, but not straight into your b/f's home and not on a half-and-half basis.

What you need first is to be a free agent. Then you can make a real choice when it comes to how you allocate your time.

One person can NOT do it all!!

Communicate with your BF your conflicted feelings. Do what is right for you. Tell your siblings what you’ve said in the above passage, they need to understand that your relationship suffered because of CoVId. If you truly love your boyfriend and he loves you then he needs to hear your concerns, this shouldn’t be a me or your family situation. I can understand his impatience and frustration and that you’re afraid of losing him, but a strong relationship is often tested. Let the shoe be on the other foot—does your BF have elderly parents? Is he close to them? Has he ever been in a caretaking situation? There may come a time when he will will be in your shoes. In any relationship parents need to be respected, especially when they are sick. True love should not have to ask you to choose between a significant other and a parent. Is it really CoVId that drive you apart or were there other issues. Really fight for a compromise, explain to your siblings and your BF that you feel conflicted, you don’t want to abandon your Mom but you also need to be true to your heart. Also ask yourself how you feel. What would you regret most? Surely your BF would be reasonable and can consider you living with him but also contributing a few hours during the week to help with thr caretaking, this is reasonable. Communicate, communicate.

You have made an important discoveries:
The need for caregiving of your mother will probably not change.
You need to live a full life that includes "time off" from caregiving to nurture other relationships.
That something needs to change in your family dynamics.

Your family may still be grieving the loss of your father. You may each be at different stages of grief:
Stage 1 - Denial: trying to act as if nothing is wrong or feeling dazed
Stage 2 - Anger: feelings of anger and irritation that "this" is unfair
Stage 3 - Bargaining: ineffective efforts to bring back whatever is "usual" or "normal"
Stage 4 - Depression: sad feelings and actions when realizes that the "loss" or "change" is permanent
Stage 5 - Acceptance: finding peace with the "new normal" and adapting life to what is.

Your siblings may be in earlier stages of grief and are trying to manage mom's care without realizing that caregiving is a long term commitment. You have been in that mode yourself, but now realize that you can not sustain the current plan.

Try having a conversation, or series of conversations, to create a new plan for caring for your mom. The goal is to come up with a caregiving plan that meets mom's needs as well as each caregiver's needs. Yes, you need enough "time off" to develop the relationship with your BF. BUT, you will also need to address your responsibility in caring for your mom. Subjects to address:
1 - What does each person need: sleep, meals, time off for medical and hygiene needs... the basics of life that does not include relationships with others
2 - What does each person want in terms of "off duty time:" time to nurture other relationships, time to pursue hobbies, time off for work...
3 - What kinds of care does mom truly need and does she need round the clock caregivers
4 - What other resources are available to help care for mom: other family members, friends, members of faith community, in-home paid caregivers, adult day programs, assisted living or memory care facilities... Part of this discussion should also be what finances does mom have to pay for this.
5 - What does each of the siblings WANT to do in terms of caring for mom. You'll need to give each other a lot of understanding since each person probably has different perspective about what he/she is willing to do versus expectations of the other family members.

As some others here point out, perhaps you need to rethink the obligation. You say " It is unspoken rule that mom comes first and we have to put our live in hold." Perhaps you can open a discussion of why that is the "rule"?

Your mum needs to be assessed by a doctor and professional help brought in other wise you and your sister and brother might end up resenting your mum and that would be a shame, you might also make you selves ill, depression, exhaustion, anxiety and these lead to other illnesses, drink problems, mood swings. It would not be fair to put more work on your sister and brother by walking away all three of you need to get on with your lives not just you. Get professional help as soon as possible if your mum is not happy explain that none of you are professional carers and you are all finding things a bit difficult and it is affecting every ones health and well being. Do as much as you can let her know you all care about her visit as much as possible take her out and about when you can and tidy up a bit if needed but do not put your own health at risk, no mother would want to be responsible for there child suffering from depression or exhaustion because of them. The three of you also need to keep an eye on each other to make sure you are all coping and that no one is stressed out, you need to speak to each other and discus any problems as a team, start by getting your mum assessed and finding out what financial help you are entitled to, good luck and take care.

Your concern is that BF could introduce the possibility of Covid.

As a Medical Reserve Corp volunteer working the county vaccine center, my take on Covid is that the vaccination is a deterrent, masking is a deterrent, sanitizers are a deterrent and avoiding spreader events makes sense so doing those things puts the odds in my favor for not getting Covid. The delta variant adds a new level of concern, especially if the vaccines efficacy drops after 6 months but I accept I can’t control the universe and I wouldn’t accept guilt trips about who’s worthy (mom) and who’s not (you).

Is BF vaccinated?
Does BF wear a mask?
Does BF avoid social gathering “spreader events“?
Is BF at a job that exposes him to Covid spreaders?

For that matter, the same questions apply to you and the siblings.

If BF is taking precautions, grab the brass ring…. Though maybe it will be a diamond…

Meanwhile Mom’s in stage 4 CKD & could live a decade so it’s unreasonable of her to play the invalid at her children’s expense. Tell mom it’s time to go to assisted living. I watched a relative lose her life to a demanding mother who guilted her out of happiness.

First - If not already - get vaccinated and urge BF to also! Second - do not put your life on hold. A good mom & loving siblings would not want you to do that. You can be with BF and still help out as needed with mom. Use common sense (mask up/sanitize/avoid spreader events). Do what you can, but if mom needs more than you can provide, do not hesitate to explore other options like assisted or home health aides who come in as needed. Statistics have shown that over 50% of caregivers will die before the person they are caring for. I willingly took on care of my mom, but told both out of state sibs that my health and welfare come first. I won't kill myself caring for her. I'm 63 & work full time- she is 87. I count her as my 2nd job as I usually spend about 35 hours a week caring for her in the evenings & weekends. She has funds that pay for a caregiver for 5 hours during the day. If she is still around when I retire, I will place her in a home.

Imho, perhaps your mother will require facility living.

Why do you have to choose to be with mom or BF? Covid is part of our world now and I don't personally think you need to make such an all or nothing type of decision about it.

if your mother has the funds, get an outside caregiver to come in, other than that, you might want to think about placement. if your brother and sister fight, that isn't good and then you want to take a break for a week and spend with the boyfriend. you say he is patient, but IF you all continue to take care of your mother, will he wait around, if not, then it wasn't meant to be. so you all need to sit down and discuss the option of placement, get in contact with an elder attorney to help you with the process. then you all can get on with your lives but I would hope that you still visit your mother. i wish you luck.