I had to make a quick decision to move my mom to assisted living on Friday. I had hope after hospitalization she would have been sent to rehab, but at the last minute the insurance denied it. 😪
I had to tour 3 places in one day and decide immediately. I think the place I chose is good, yet this is such a huge huge change for my formerly very independent mom. A little over three weeks ago she lived alone in her medium size home on 2 plus acres and cared for her little 8 yo shitzu. She had a lot of fluid on her lungs (which they eventually drained, but still has some) and diagnosed with congestive heart failure.
She is still quite weak and tired and simply can’t live alone and as an only child (and single) I can’t have her live alone anymore. I’ve been off work for over 3 weeks… and thankfully I have a very supportive workplace.
My mom is struggling with this change and because she was moving on a Friday, they didn’t get her meds right from the hospital (hospital didn’t have the doctor sign off on them properly).
It’s such a change and even though she could have her pup live with her, I’m not sure there is space for his potty pads (why at he’s used to) and in general her ability to care for him.
She doesn’t like the food for the most part and can’t cook in her kitchenette.
She and I are worried about the $6000 a month cost, yet she should be okay for at least 3-4 years (she’s 88).
I just had her couch from home moved there and other personal items.
This is so, so hard.
Will she get used to it? Will it get easier?
She so understands I’m doing the best I can in making these decisions and she knows I can’t care for her. We will have to sell her house to pay for her care. It helps she has her own space, but she’s sad, I’m so sad and she misses Riley.
We are need to have him temporarily (at least at this point) foster him out, which is so hard too. I’m taking him to see her today, but it’s going to be difficult for her to have him leave there at the end of the visit.
I guess I’m just looking for advice on how she and I cope with this major change.
I worry if I made the right decision, but I can’t care for her… I live and work over a half hour away and she can’t be alone and I desperately need to get back to my life as well.
Any advice or words of encouragement so greatly appreciated. 🙏🙏🙏
My dad has been in a facility for almost two months now. I think he is finally beginning to adjust. From what I have read on the forum, it takes time for them to adjust to a different living situation. Also my dad has made friends there and that has been a huge help. I'm also an only child so I understand where you are coming from. He has had two stays in the swing bed and in rehab. He went home for awhile but kept falling and he has health issues that need 24/7 monitoring. We tried getting help at home to help me with him but it just was not enough plus, like you, I work and I can not afford to quit. Even if I could, he requires a level of care that I'm not able to do. I would say to give your mom time to adjust since it happened so quickly. Also, is it possible for you to keep her dog? If so, you could take him/her to visit when you go see your mom. I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure you will find comfort here. Just remember that you did to the right thing. It will take some time for you to get adjusted as well. You mentioned that your mom understands that you are doing the best you can and she knows that you can not care for her. This is good that she understands because my dad fought me on going to facility for many months and even became angry with me more than once when I could not provide the level of care he needed.
I wish I could care for Riley myself, but I work long hours and don’t have a place where I live that would work for him. He is a pretty high maintenance little pup unfortunately as well… not his fault.
thanks again for you words.
Mom is in need of living in assisted living because of her age and ailments .
It is sad to move from her home . That’s normal . Let her grieve . Let yourself grieve over Mom’s decline .
It will take time. At least your mother seems understanding , unlike many of our parents who blamed us for their situations , rather than looking at the facts of their age and health necessitating a change in where they live .
I think your Mom will be ok in adjusting . She’s understands you can’t care for her . She is sad because she is ill , which is what made her move from her home .
Aging is not fun or happy . There is nothing you can do to change that .
Give it some time . She can also move to a different facility if she wants . You could take her on tours and to taste food .
Your Mom seems very sweet . At least she’s not blaming you and being mean and hateful to you about it , as many of us have been subject to .
First..her dog. I bet the dog will adjust as well. Try putting the pads in a low Kitty Litter box. It will keep the pads off the floor so mom is less likely to slip on them. And if the dog adjusts well you might even try using litter and do away with the pads. Might be easier for mom to scoop and dispose of in the trash (please not the toilet)
Now for mom...
She will adjust. She is not going to be happy going from independent to having to ask for help. But if the facility is good they will try to engage her and get her involved. And with the dog she will have others with their dogs that she will connect with. And those without dogs will stop and chat with her just to pet her pup.
You made this decision to keep her safe that is the most important thing.
Elderly know they're going to die, or go into Nursing Homes - but they worry about the loved ones they leave behind - including their pets.
I am hoping your Mom has many wonderful years in Assisted Living.
It would be wonderful if she could keep her dog, if possible.
I don't think they care about their houses, real estate etc as much as people online or in books say they do.
As my Mom lay dying in Hospice, I promised her I'd care for her dog for the rest of the dog's life and provide love and good care. She was able to pass away after being assured that all of her family (including her little dog) would be okay.
Her little dog is doing very well, and is right next to me right now. I love her as much as my Mom did.
I pray it works for him to stay with her in time. He is way spoiled and mom even Hans fed him, which was not good. He also mostly uses reusable potty pads (sometimes misses or goes off of them too 😏). My mom would wash them and hang them to dry.
The space is also so tuned to figure out where to put potty pads.
I know too, that if this place doesn’t work, we can explore other places, yet this place has an amazing director who truly loves her job and the residents and the staff love their jobs too. It’s called the Bickford and is a family run company with several locations.
I guess right now we take one day at a time. 🙏
I didn't read the other post yet, wanting a fresh mind so i might repeat what others have said
First this all happened so fast , it is going to take time. Up untill a few months ago my mom (still at home) was so picky about everything, the temp of her coffee had to be just so. Everything has to be here way. I got burnt out, stopped going so much, and had some talks with her. That plus degenerative spine back pain. The other day she was drinking, cold black coffee and enjoying it
As you Im like omg she is never going to adjust to an AL if she has to go. Now I'm feeling better about it, like if it comes to it she will adjust. I think your mom will too. She really has no choice and she sounds like she understands that.
She will get use to the food, it's probably just different to her. You can bring her meals when you can I'm sure, for a treat.
You sound like you absolutely made the right choice. There simply was no other option.
Now your moms in AL , try to do something for you, go get you nails done , or something just for you, breath and exhale, knowing your moms being taken care of.
As for the dog, I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for that
Best of luck, we are always here to lend an ear.
I also pray her money will be able to last to keep her in assisted living for the rest of her life. She’s 88 yo currently.
thank you again! 🙏
How they adjusted seemed a personal journey based on their health, personality & attitude.
For some it was about choice. That they had chosen that particular place helped. Or a trusted person chose. Their daughter/son said it was the best, their Doctor had recommened it, or friends were already there.
Some admitted it took time to adjust, emotionally. To grieve the loss of their home. To accept they needed help. Some (like my Aunt) pushed themselves to be social, make new friends & join groups straight away. Others stayed in their rooms a lot at the start until they realised it was up to them to mingle & try to ward off depression. (Being encouraged/coaxed by an Activities CoOrdinator can help too).
There were some that lacked insight (memory loss/illness/brain changes). Some that thought they were younger & more able than they were.. Why were they living with old people? "I'm not old!" They did adjust in time too.
One man told me he really liked his new room at assisted living & the people were friendly there. (He was in rehab about to leave in a day or two). So I asked him about his room. Well.
He said it had a bed, a chair, a window, probably curtains or blinds, somewhere to store clothes & a few things.
He then explained he had not ever seen it! Not been there at all yet. But what did it matter what colour the carpet was or what pattern the curtains were? HE would have what he needed. HE had already decided he would be happy there. HE would be friendly & polite to the staff & other residents. (He had found that this a good habit & usually meant people were friendly in return). Said he had no time for the Doom Talkers.. 'what if I die there'.. said so? Had to die somewhere.
That man inspired me. Said a lot of life was not what happened to us but how we thought about it. His glass was definately half full, not half empty.
Be easy on yourself while you & your Mom adjust. You've done well. Be proud you helped steer her ship when she needed it.
PS See if you can find some of Mom's favorite music & something she can easily play it on. It's a good time filler & can ease a long afternoon. (That's my go-to to cope with what life throws at me) 🤗
Dad wasn't one to join activities but would go if someone was playing music of his era. Dad would keep his apartment door wide opened during the day so that if someone was walking down the hall they would say "Hi, Bob" which he enjoyed, sometimes stopping in to chat.
Your mother is recovering right now so of course she's discombobulated! Once she feels better and establishes a routine for herself, she'll settle in, make friends who can all sit around and complain about the food.....its the law in AL! My mother always said "The food isn't enough to fill a cavity" and chronically complained they "only served HALF a sandwich! Can you imagine?" Fact is, old folks don't normally eat as much as my mother did, plus, the residents could ask for a WHOLE sandwich and as much of anything else on the menu they would like. But then they'd have nothing to complain about!
Give mom time to feel better, get familiar with the grounds and the layout of the AL, meet others, and settle in. Many folks had dogs at my folks AL and you could pay for help from the aides with the dog walking, too, if necessary.
You did the right thing. I was an only child too which causes lots of second guessing of ourselves. Truth is, you've given mom a better, safer life in AL by shrinking down her responsibilities and still allowing her autonomy! Ya did good 😊
I’m bringing in some art from her home to help things feel better too, but now her home feels so different and empty and is so sad to me, yet I know it’s necessary. 😪 I’m grieving…and so is she.
This is HARD and HEARTBREAKING.
You do what you need to do, then find time to grieve these changes. It is a decline, a loss for both of you.
"Adjusting' will take time. Expect this. She will not be a happy camper. Everything is new and she has lost most of what is familiar to her, plus losing more of her independence. It is very difficult.
- Best to provide empathy. "I know this is hard for you".
- Listen and offer reflective listening. (Reflect back to her what she says).
- As you can, get caregivers or what are called 'sitters' to be with her during the transition (for a few hours a day if possible). She will need or appreciate the support (even if you are there; you will need respites / breaks).
* Do not argue with her. ("I want to go home") - she may do this.
Say, I want you to be able to go home too. Depending on cognitive abilities / dementia, you tell her what will keep her as calm as possible. "This is a temporary move." It sounds like she is aware enough to know that this is a permanent move. You offer compassionate understanding - putting yourself in her shoes (assuring her that she is loved, well taken care of ) ... that you will do EVERYTHING for her to support this transition, which it sounds like you are doing.
It is a LOT on YOUR plate. Moving her so quickly, needing to sell the house, deal with re-homing the dog. Give yourself some 'down' time to re-new, and grieve these changes. You need to keep yourself going to be there to do what is needed for her. Take care of yourself. Exercise, walk, garden, eat healthy, get enough sleep. Go out with a friend for lunch or museum. You need to keep yourself going by nurturing yourself, too.
Gena / Touch Matters
wee query- you say you should be ok for 3-4 years paying tvat extortionate amount
what happens after that time ? Maybe you should be looking into a long term solution - maybe the present home isn’t quite right
can you visit others and have more time to discuss your mothers needs ?
dogs
maybe check some other places out
this one may not be the best in hindsight ( and none of us have that most useful gift of hindsight)
there may be better options out there
maybe if you found a more suitable option and one that can allow you to stay after 3-4 years you could then tell your mother you’ve found somewhere better for her?
it depends on funds if they allow you to pay for a dog walker/helper or not
if not it may be kinder to find a new home for your mothers dog and maybe consider a less maintenance one like a budgie ( even tho they still need cleaning and fresh food and water)
I always had a budgie growing up
i found them good company
Your mother does need time to settle in - it’s a big change
but if there is an option of a more suitable place it may help
maybe visit a few?
in the meantime try and stop worrying
it doesn’t help or change anything except run down your health
best wishes
It will cost far less than $6,000 a month.
This might be the solution for everyone. Take a look on some caregiver websites like care.com and talk to a few. You check their references out personally and request that they bring their own police backround checks. You can also negotiate the wages with them.
If you do go this way, live-ins get free room and board in a home. This is considered part of their wages but it does not replace actual wages. Then you negotiate with them to a money figure everyone is good with. Live-ins do not get paid hourly, so don't get talked into that if anyone brings it up.
Or, you can hire day shift caregivers (who are hourly) and a 'Sleep Duty' aide. This is a person who comes and spends the night at a client's house just so there's someone there. These people usually work a day job too. Their pay is also negotiable and not by hour but by the shift.
There are options for your mother other than sell her house and put her in AL.
This is a stressful and difficult time. Our Mom 94, lived at home with support, until August 2023, and went to the hospital with covid and nearly died from pneumonia aspiration. She pulled through went to rehab for 6 weeks Unfortunately, her health was impacted and she could not return home.
What we did to help her transition
1. I wrote a letter and copied to all staff, regarding my Mom, to help them get to know her.
2. My sister had copies of family pictures placed on her wall
3. Mom has someone to visit every day for 4 to 6 hours, either 1 of her 3 children or an aide that we pay to assist her and keep her company
4. I bring Mom lunch consisting of food that she enjoys. The staff allows me to use the microwave
5. There are items that are always available as alternatives , at Mom's AL....Baked potato, sweet potato, hot dog, peanut butter and jelly, , etc. They always have ice cream.
6. We have gone with Mom to some activities, to assist and encourage her. She loves bingo!!
Lastly, call the director to ask for a meeting ASAP for assistance.
I know what you're going through.
I often ask myself, are there better options? And I realize there are none, at least for now. This helps me to better accept the situation.
Mom has become more acclimated to live in AL. She is in a very nice, and very expensive AL.
Best wishes.
Good luck to you and your mother.
I have chose to take care of my mom at home, as long as its safe for her. by doing so I have give up my job. I have no husband I have no plans for what comes after. Oh I have got some pretty tough messages to read, only because they are telling the facts and truths. Anyway I wish you and your mom all the best . I hope that things will work itself out and that includes the pup. who I'm sure misses her too. I lost my little Graceland in 2021. I miss her everysingle day she was my best freind. I want another but not the tourment of the loss. I'm 57 she was my first dog, she stole my heart... I'm just rambling now but I'm truly heartbroke for all three of ya'll. Best Wishes sweetie. I wish yall only the best. Sheila Shepherd
The love we get from each one is well worth the loss of a dear friend when we lose them. The love we miss for fear of loss is the true tragedy. Please get yourself another pup!