84 year old mother will on occasion act out if she feels she's not getting enough attention.
She expects to be fussed over because she's old. She expects to be called at least once a day because what if she falls and nobody has called. She's very negative and complains ALL THE TIME. When solutions are being offered she claims she already tried that and ends it with, when you're my age you'll understand.
OK, seems like the routine old grump kind of stuff. Except that her behavior has started to escalate.
She was found on the floor and claimed that she fell. When we started dialing 911, she shot up onto her legs like a young kangaroo, kid you not.
This kind of stuff happened from time to time and our first reaction was always concern and oh my gosh what happened. Only to find out she's perfectly fine.
Recently, we entered the house which smelled very strongly and badly of gas. Only gas source is the kitchen stove. No active gas leak was detected and she denied doing anything with gas. To this day we don't know if this was intentional or if she forgot to turn off the stove, the flame somehow went out and gas started leaking - this I doubt but I feel bad about accusing her without truly knowing.
Her mother in old age did stuff like cover herself with feces. Her older sister who lives across the country recently stopped sleeping at night, sleeps during the day then screams at night and acts out. The family is arranging for a caregiver.
I feel that this behavior will escalate and that her family members' behaviors are giving us an insight into what we can expect.
She doesn't need a caregiver, she's in good health, walks just fine, does laundry and cooks. She wants attention and when she doesn't get it the way she wants when she wants it, then she starts acting out.
This is driving some family members away, including myself. I'm no longer sympathetic. I have long ago realized that the only solution would be one sided and that keeping her happy would be doing what she wants when she wants and how she wants. Her bullying and manipulate ways that used to just be annoying and exhausting have turned into a safety issue!
This is called the nuclear option, and will get your 84 y.o. mother the attention she deserves. And it will cost her.
I agree with Barb, to have her checked out thoroughly.
Then address each curious incident as they come up. Do not admonish her about the accumulation of symptoms, treat them as matter of fact.
Do take her to interview AL facilities each time.
I ask, because my mom's regular PCP said that she was fine. She passed all the cognitive screenings.
In fact, mom was NOT fine; she had increasing anxiety and acting out behavior that led to us insisting that she spend the Fall and Winter in a facility. Once there, her new doctor (a geriatrics specialist) referred her to a psychiatrist in short order. The geripsych adjusted mom's anxiety meds and insisted on a REAL cognitive evaluation (the 6 hour pencil and paper kind with a neuropsychologist).
Mom was diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment, which made the source of her anxiety obvious--she realized that she no longer had the reasoning and problem solving skills she once had.
If your mom has had this kind of thorough testing, then yes, set firm boundaries and tell her that you are not engaging in her demands any longer. Just make sure that you've ruled out the fact that she may no longer have all the cognitive skills she once had.
My brother was VERY tough with mom and told her that he wasn't engaging in her "pity party" any longer. Boy, did he feel bad when he found out that she was reasoning with the abilities of a 7 year old.
You may need to call her bluff. When she pretends to fall again, say Mom, looks like u are ready for an AL if u keep falling. You need to be somewhere safe. You want to start looking. Treat her like the child she is acting like.
To be able for gas to leak like u describe, Mom had to have turned the burner on and blow the flame out. Then the pilot light remains on. U can tell she has done this because the knob is still on. This works with electric ignition too. If she is doing this on purpose this is a BIG problem. One spark and caboom!
My Mom was easy. Even though I was retired, I set a day a week for shopping and running errands. I took her to Church. She found rides to Church meetings. We lived in the same town so I could pick things up for her when I was out. My retirement didn't mean I was at everyones beck and call.
If my mother had her druthers, we'd be at the hospital every week. So it's my job to sort the bull from the chit and figure out when it's a medical necessity to go to the ER and when it's not. I drew that conclusion in 2014 when my father had broken a hip and was on the 4th floor of the hospital having surgery to repair it. Mother suddenly HAD to go to the ER because of 'a million black & blues' all over her arms that HAD to be a life threatening problem. Well, she would NOT stop carrying on until I took her to the ER. So, she was on the 1st floor of the hospital while my father was on the 4th. The doctor in the ER took one look at her and said "Josephine, what are YOU doing here? In all my years as an ER physician I've NEVER seen a patient for bruises. Go home, you're fine." From that day forward, I reserved the ER for REAL emergencies!!!
Tell your mother that you love her and will visit her on X day(s) each week. She should come up with a list of things she needs or would like to do on on that day(s) and you will do your best to accommodate her. You will call her on the phone as well because you love her, but that it's not necessary for her to have a medical emergency in order for you to call or come by.
It's tough to deal with histrionics, that's for sure. So set down some boundaries that work for YOU, because SHE won't hear of them!
Good luck!!
I wouldn't rule out ANYTHING without a thorough workup from her PCP and a geripsych or neuro doc.
The fact that she has relatives who do something similar should not prevent you from having HER checked out by a medical professional.