Will social services help? Nasty behavior from 84 year old mom -- is it illness or personality?
Boyfriend's mom, who is 84, makes up lies, threatens us with police (while there actually is a case open against us right now due to something she claimed against us) and social services, she claims that we are aggressive and she's afraid of us. Mom lives with boyfriend, she has no other family here that would help. I have my own place but I spend a lot of time at boyfriend's and have witnessed some crazy stuff.
A few months ago, a suggestion about her living arrangements was made while boyfriend and I think about our future together, and that made her completely flip out and that's when her false accusations against us started.
Prior to the time when she became furious about our living arrangement proposal, there have been times when she left the stove on and gas was leaking. Also, she would say that she had fallen and when we said we'd call the ambulance because she couldn't get up, she sprinted up like an athlete. We thought she was faking it for attention because this behavior was accompanied by her being pouty, but now we are more concerned because we are hearing from people that she told them she had fallen. We don't know what's true, we have not actually seen her fall. Mom said one time she couldn't get off the toilet and she was banging on the door and nobody came to her rescue. We don't think that happened. She has a panic button she can press for help but she never wears it and uses it to call on her son as if calling a butler.
It's very stressful, the false accusations and the fact that we don't know if she does have some falls or accidents because she will say she fell to get attention but when we want to seek help for her she jumps up and refuses to have 911 called and since there was nothing visibly wrong with her, we did not call 911.
Mom is 84, lives with her son who is at work all day. She is not ill, she takes daily long walks, is able to shower, groom, feed herself, she does not need help with anything other than communicate with people other than boyfriend and me because she doesn't speak English.
Mom has been telling weird stories since I've met her. She'll talk about stuff that supposedly happened like 20 years ago when she lived with her son back then, she wasn't being fed properly and lost a lot of weight. She likes to play the victim, she uses foul language with people close to her but she's proper when talking to people with whom she feels she should not cuss with. When we confronted her about lies against us, she started turning attention to herself, her legs hurt, she can't remember, she's old, we don't understand - pretty much anything to change the subject.
Because her hate toward us seems to intensify and the accusations are becoming more frequent, we feel we need to do something - but what can we do? We thought about calling social services for resources, any type of assistance but we don't want to create more problems.
I thought about dementia, but she seems logical at times, she remembers phone numbers, she calls people from memory, she doesn't use stored numbers. She shops and pays for her stuff and is able to count money and pay the proper amount. It's out of the question to suggest to her she be tested, she will probably freak out as she has already pointed out that "yeah I'm old and not right in the head, right?" We looked at dementia symptoms and maybe one or two might fit a little bit but then that kind of stuff happens to me as well. I used to think that she's just a nasty person and she truly does seem vindictive, angry, self-centered, but I'm really wondering now if there might be an underlying issue.
What would you recommend? Can she be tested without being told what it's for? Maybe that would help us in the way we deal with her and find her proper care? Should we contact social services? Don't know where to begin.
32 Answers
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I agree with you, there are problems and issues that do not seem right. You describe someone who can do things by herself, but yet uses her son as a butler.
You could spend much less time at her home, see if that helps.
You seem very kind to want to help. Suggest a medication review by her doctor(s), and let her and her son deal with it.
If she is a narcissist, your reputation, your sanity is at stake.
The other thing is: If she reports a fall, follow through and call 911, or see that her son takes her to the E.R. for evaluation.
Get out. Now. That's my advice. Any man that is willing to have the police called on himself & his girlfriend by his own mother and doesn't move out immediately has some issues himself that need to be addressed.
Good luck!
She doesn't speak English - what is her first language? Does she not speak English at all? - or just not when she doesn't feel like it.
You say she has no family here that would help out: does she have family here that gives her a wide berth?! How long has she lived in the US?
I completely agree that what needs to happen *first* is your boyfriend's building better boundaries and expanding her support network beyond himself. He needs to do this independently of you, otherwise you automatically become the Villain of the Piece. How long have you and he been together?
We suggested a separate house or a unit on the same property, perhaps an in-law unit or something along those lines where she would be boss of her space and we would have our own. With this arrangement, we would be super close to monitor her well-being as she's aging, help out, that kind of thing.
In the past, she told me that her son and I can get married after she's dead. I took notice, it was a weird thing to say but then I recalled that she always claimed to love me, even said I was an angel sent into their lives, but there was never talk with her about a future between me and him, no interest from her and we didn't tell her everything we've been discussing, planning. This makes me think that maybe she loved me in the role of the awesome girlfriend who has her own house and helps her out and now that he and I are thinking about building a life together, she might feel threatened.
We've been together for over 4 years. Mama doesn't speak English at all and she's been in this country for almost 30 years. She knows a few words and she thinks she knows what people are talking about when she hears the words but she really has no clue.
She has no family here except my boyfriend and his grown kids who want nothing to do with her. She has another son and other family in her country. After her husband died, she moved to the US, leaving behind quite a bit of family, including her other son who is older than my boyfriend and had (is good now) some medical and psychological issues.
There is a lot of good history with boyfriend's mom, we had a great relationship before. There were times when she was overbearing and I distanced myself a little, boyfriend would spend more time at my house during those times. It wasn't all rosy with her during the last few years, far from it, but nothing like what's going on now.
It all changed when boyfriend told her that he wanted to start a life with me and started talking to her about new living arrangements. It's as if overnight she became pissed, cold fish. Started ignoring me when I said hello or would say nothing and just mutter stuff under her nose. Boyfriend and I went on a vacation and came back to a police investigation against us. She started telling my boyfriend that I had supposedly said nasty things about him to her, which I never did! I feel that I'm already her enemy number 1, especially after what happened last weekend, pretty much right after I made my post.
Start of last weekend, she confronted me and boyfriend, supposedly wanting to talk but the first thing that came out of her mouth was, "Nobody's without fault, maybe I made some mistakes but YOU ..." and I didn't want to listen any more because I hadn't done anything wrong and I told her this. So she started with her threats again about calling the police and they will alert social services. Her new accusation will be that he's not taking care of her. What she means is he's not taking her to go gambling, to church, to the store, whatever she'd like. He stopped doing those things after she made that case against us with the police. She doesn't need help with anything, she bathes herself, dresses, prepares food, and he still gets groceries and pays the bills.
I'm willing to help with getting her some medical/mental care which I feel she should have. I think she should be tested, maybe there's more to all this than just difficult personality. There might be answers as to why she's behaving this way. I am getting very burnt out, I'm tired, anxious and I'm really starting to dislike her. Boyfriend is willing to work on the situation, he knows he coddled her for too long and here we are.
I hope you are not into toxic relationships--if that's the case seek help for yourself.
Language barrier is the problem, mama has one friend who visits her on a regular basis because they can communicate in their language. Besides that, she watches TV and talks on the phone throughout the day, but she doesn't have anything to keep her hands and mind busy. After her meetings with the friend or calls with people, she spends her time dissecting what was said, offering opinions and even finding things to be upset about, whether it's criticizing that person or taking personally what was said.
Mama doesn't have any hobbies or interests, we tried to get her involved in stuff like maybe doing puzzles, light gardening, maybe some reading or games or crafts, she's not interesting in anything. She likes to take a daily walk to the store, at least she's getting some exercise.
Based on what you've shared it looks like you are dealing with a narcissist. This is also compounded by the fact that English is not her first language and she immigrated here from her home country so she is having to learn the rules.
Regarding the police being called, even if a case is open against you, the burden of proof lies on her since she made the call. This CAN work in your favor as evidence to build a case for the social worker and the police will help you with that as this isn't the first time they get called out for domestic cases.
If his mother threatens to harm herself or others you can call the police and they will take her to the local hospital which will sedate her and again a Social Worker will get involved.
He needs to consult an elder law attorney, preferably one who has someone on staff who speaks his mother's home language fluently. They need to create a POA, and he needs to be added on all of her medical records as the approved person they can speak to about her medical health. Without that, there is no way to get any tests or screens done due to HIPPA. If he wishes not to have that, a judge may appoint someone to be your mother's POA which can get a bit dicey but on the other hand if he wants to move out from her grasp it would certainly enable him to do so.
Regarding your relationship to him, you are his girlfriend and it's probably wise to step back and stay in your own place. If he wants to crash with you, fine, he can help pay the rent and do what you would be doing if you were staying at his. Also what happened 20 years ago has little to do with you. You need to establish personal boundaries as it's clear she's laid them out for you. If she wants to talk about what happened 20 years ago, smile, and change the subject. If she wants to trash talk her son, smile BUT pay attention. In a way, she is warning you, as you weren't there and let's just say it's good to listen carefully to what she says and read between the lines. Then at another time, bring it up with your boyfriend and clarify the details. If he seems to always have an excuse or something, that's a red flag.
I know there is a lot here in this response, but all of this is dependent on your commitment to the relationship. As someone else posted, sometimes it's better to cut your losses and get out.
Stay friends, but he needs to get his personal stuff together first and decide how long he wants to be under mom's thumb or if he's ready to step out on his own. It will happen whether he wants to or not, and the question is, once this time is gone, it's gone he can't get it back. However, if he feels a personal debt to his mother, he needs to go get therapy for that and with his therapist work through those feelings to get to a place of confidence and freedom.
If possible, try to get her tested.
Leave you mom alone.
Call her on the phone and visit if she wants you to visit.
Ask her about installing camera's in the home and put a call button in places like the bathroom since she doesn't wear her call button.
This woman is not eligible for skilled nursing home care by a long shot. She’s ambulatory. Your guardedness about what you did to provoke an investigation against you also has me thinking that there is a power struggle going on between all three of you. Nothing about this situation sounds hopeful and I recommend that you end your relationship with this family and move on to someone else.
HEAD FOR THE HILLS!! Dump the boyfriend and talk to a therapist. Your boyfriends mother could easily live to be 100. My mother is 96 and with modern medicine, people are living to 100. Dump the boyfriend. It’s his mother. His responsibility.
Your boyfriend was married before, now divorced, and his mother was mad that he chose his WIFE over HER?
Run, don’t walk. That is a huge red flag.
I suspect "Mama" knows a lot more that you think she does.
A Chinese friend in college would talk to his grandmother in English, and she would respond in Chinese. His ability to speak the language was minimal, but he clearly understood her. She clearly understood English, but chose to respond in Chinese. I've never forgotten that exchange, because mid-sentence she said clearly "canned cat food" - most likely there was no word for that in Chinese.
She's been here 30 years. She watches TV. She has friends. Being exposed to another language is hard on adults, but over time they do learn it. Probably not enough to have an in-depth debate with someone, but enough to get by. Since her son can speak her language, she uses that as it is more comfortable for her.
A co-worker came from another country to go to college, having little or no English. She watched cartoons to help her learn!
She's called the police and social services? Who there speaks her language? How is she so capable to take care of herself and be able to do this? All the threats made as well - she's no dummy. She's playing the system to get what she wants, which sounds like her son to herself and you out of the picture.
This will be a tough one for you. I don't see boundaries, even if set before, will work very well in this instance. I don't see the "classic" signs of dementia in what you have described. This clearly sounds like a power struggle, and no one will be a winner. If this were her house, I would suggest that he move out and make arrangements to care for whatever she can't do. Selling it and getting perhaps an in-law apartment arrangement *might* work, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Letting her live in it, providing LIMITED help, he could consider buying another place or helping pay for your place, so you can live together in peace (somewhat...) My former MIL wasn't quite this bad, but she was domineering and lived for the day to be a grandmother. I became just the vessel who brought them forth. If we were there every day and then some, it likely wouldn't be enough! Stifling.
So, I'm not really buying that she doesn't know English. I'm not buying dementia. Could there be another personality disorder? Sure. But there's nothing you can do about that. Unless she harms herself or one of you, this is what it is. Given that she has been here 30 years and "doesn't speak English", it's not likely she's had a job here or any real earnings, so most likely no income? Medicaid is questionable, but even if she qualified, she isn't NH material, based on what you've written. One can't be "forced" to move, even if they do have dementia. ROCK|YOU|HARD PLACE.
Perhaps a heart-to-heart with this BF, without mom's presence. Prepare ahead of time what you want to say and ask. List the pros and cons. List the options, as you see them. Do listen to his responses. In particular, if he wavers on doing anything to break this cycle, it might be best to walk away - at least for a while, take a cool-down period.
It's great to find a good person to have in your life, but when that comes with an anchor that can't be reeled in, yikes!
In some communities, it is the expectation of the son to care for his aged parents until their death. I wondered if this was the case in this situation. The daughter in law, whether legal or simply by virtue of the relationship, has the role of caregiving and honoring the male's parents. These community norms are long established and not to be dismissed because of moving to a new country. The elders are honored and hold a central place in the family. Everyone revolves about them.
I suspect the woman wants attention. Who doesn't? Being sick, or falling is one way to get the attention. The son works full time and when he arrives home his girlfriend is then looking for his attention. Any three way relationship will result in triangulation, one party always out or shorted.
This mother is not going to gently go into the night about her relationship with her son. The girlfriend is the outsider and police reports are meant to break the relationship.
The boyfriend has the responsibility to sort this out. If he cannot then there is no hope for an mutual adult relationship until his mother passes.
If she has a social group of people who speak her language, it might be helpful to be in contact with them. If not, I can’t understand what is going on.
I'm burnt out, I've taken the last couple of weeks away from her mentally (trying to not even THINK about her) and forget about seeing her in person, I'm completely done with her. I was trying to find out for the boyfriend what options there might be in terms of getting the social services involved, if at all. All the nastiness aside, she has been showing signs of not being safe, hence the question about social services.
https://www.endeavourcaretraining.co.uk/post/understanding-why-a-person-with-dementia-may-display-distress-behaviours
Dont marry him. There are plenty of other guys out there. You are so very young. We are only trying to prevent you from making a huge mistake.
If he wants to visit and take you out for a nice dinner in these times (covidI) let him figure it out.
No need to place yourself in a firing line. You are probably not the first friend to experience this. If you cannot take the heat,,,, get out of the kitchen.
She is not your problem... She is his issue,,, no need to get involved. You go get your life on... and fend for yourself... Be Happy, Carry On, and if you want. let him WALTZ back into YOUR LIFE.
How Long Have You Two Been Dating? And how long has mom been in the picture? So, you Do Know, that when you marry someone, you marry their whole family... Remember,, The Whole Family... mom, siblings, aunts, cousins, dad, and other members who come out of the woodwork....
DISGUSTED answered quite eloquently.