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I have had a bedside commode in my husband's living area for years. He is now incontinent to the point he no longer uses it, has not used it for over a month. I wanted to move it out of his room but one of my paid caregivers said this is demoralizing. May I please have comments from others? Thank you.

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As a care giver / and consultant to famlies, I do not in the least see this as demoralizing.

Pluses to move it away:

* He'll / you will have more room
* He won't be REMINDED by looking at it 'all the time' that he doesn't use it
* Put a chair there, invite a neighbor to have a nice chat with him.
* Don't mention to him that you have re/moved it. There is no reason to make a point of this.

- Ask the caregiver to elaborate on her / his reasons / feelings for saying it is demoralizing. I support you to do as you need and trust your instincts.
- Does this caregiver give you any other suggestions or influence you in other ways? Is s/he helpful, generally speaking?

I started off as a caregiver and moved into management and other needs that a social worker might do (and don't have time). I've studied dementia for years.

It would perhaps help us to know if your husband has dementia.

Let us know what you do / did. Gena
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Reply to TouchMatters
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Your husband may not even notice that it has been moved.

I also got a lot of unsolicited advice from caregivers. Most of it was good advice. Some advice I ignored.

I also lived in an area where it was tough to get cargivers.

I'd probably move the commode to the attic or to the garage sometime when she is not working and I would not bring up the subject.

It would be depressing for me to see it sitting there if my loved one could no longer use it.
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Reply to brandee
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Incontinence happens when the nerves in the organ (bladder or large intestine) fail to signal the brain that "I'm full" in time and the muscles controlling the discharge, take over and relax to void the organ. To answer the question, it depends. How cognizant is your husband? Now that he wears diapers full time what was his initial reaction? Would he care?
I had a bladder issue and decided to have a permanent catheter implanted via a stoma to empty my bladder realizing that I would never regain control of her voiding.
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Reply to Nancy80
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I am incontinent but still able to use a 'regular' toilet. I would be absolutely demoralized if I were unable to use a bedside commode and it just sat there 'staring' at me.
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Reply to StarJoan
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I worked for Visiting Nurses as a secretary. We had one nurse who would tell our clients what they needed to do. To the point there were complaints. Instead of talking to her our Dept Head had a office meeting and told our nurses to remember that they were in someones home. Their jobs were to go in and do what the doctor orders said. Visit for a little while because they be the only person that person sees all day. But you don't tell them how they should live their lives.

Just remember, these people are being paid to care for a client. They can suggest but thats it. You do what you want in your house.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Give your limited pool of Caregivers this address:
Aging Care.com

Tell them it is a requirement of working with your husband that they
view this website.

Have them run their "advice" through here first.

Their job is to care for your husband, not "advise" you.
However, some advice is warranted for safety reasons.
This is not one of those times.

I personally have found that doubting myself causes me the most trouble,
when asking for everyone's advice. I think maybe I just need some support, not advice.

I would ask them: Why can't you transfer him to the commode regularly or to the bathroom in time, so as to limit the use of diapers, which is also demoralizing, imo.

So, if they want to keep it, they should be using it to assist your husband.

Do what is best for your husband, then you. Third parties are no fun.

I can understand how much more difficult caregiving can be when you feel you have to explain, or are put in a position to answer to others: other caregivers, family, neighbors, etc. Tell them to put it in writing, and you will run it by their agency's boss.

Welcome, and thanks for checking in.
Are you taking care of yourself properly today?
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Reply to Sendhelp
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Maybe it’s demoralizing to have to see a bedside commode one can no longer use. Maybe getting it out of sight is a kindness, to stop the constant visual reminder of another thing lost
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Foamergirl Jun 23, 2026
That is a beautiful way to look at it! Thank you!
(3)
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Ignore that aid's unsolicited input. When she's gone, remove the commode. If she says anything more about it tell her you consulted with some "experts" and they unanimously said there is no problem to removing it.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Foamergirl Jun 23, 2026
Thank you!
(1)
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Why if he is not using it would you leave it out? What is demoralizing is now being in depends. If he can't use the commode any more, remove it. Its you home, not theirs. I had an aide tell me Mom needed a floor matt in her stall shower. The floor of the shower was rough so slide free. Put a matt down, it would not have stuck to the floor.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Foamergirl Jun 23, 2026
Thank you for reminding me it's my home.
(4)
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What's so "demoralizing" about removing a commode from a living area that's no longer used???? Perhaps the caregiver should stick more to care giving and less to giving free advice.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Foamergirl Jun 23, 2026
Thank you!

All of his caregivers are CONSTANTLY giving me advice - go buy him a hamburger, feed him this, feed him that, get a ramp built, move my husband to another living area of the home, change his room this way, that way, put out bird seed and plants for him (he rarely goes outside - it would be one more thing for me to take care of that I just can't possibly manage at this stage), etc., etc. I have a limited pool of caregivers in my area so I try to bite my tongue - but it's tough some days.
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