The headline says it all. I took care of my charming but abusive mother for 8 years. She worked only a few years, so she had no SS to speak of, so I worked 2-3 jobs. I would have done well for myself, but every penny went to medical expenses, private caregivers so I could leave her to go to work, and anything Mom wanted.
My own health issues often went untreated. My health is damaged now.
Recently, through a scam from a major company, I lost half what was left of my life savings, which was very little. I am facing living in my car, or rehoming my pets and sleeping on friends' couches. I have little left. Health gone, savings gone.
DON'T DO IT. I won't even be alive next year unless a miracle happens. Get out! If your parents cared for you, they wouldn't want you sick, broke, broken, and soon, dead. And if they didn't care for you, why sacrifice yourself?
I did, and now I am paying the price.
If my prayers and good thoughts will help, know that you have them!
If not, seek help from your local church. Sounds like counseling might help. A decent church might offer
monies to assist you too. You did what you did to be helpful and caring. Spend time in prayer. Ask the local church for help. Living in your car is not the answer. You will get help. Forgive yourself too. You sound angry wuth yourself. You are loving and caring. Love yourself now.
Too bad I didn't know all this when I cared for my wife. I, too, went beyond my limits and was treated for depression. I, too, felt the effects of placing my wife in MC. I felt a sense of relief, however, more than guilt, knowing she was somewhere where her disease was understood and where she was safe (she was a wanderer). I experienced grief, but took the action on my part to overcome it. 2 ½ yrs later I still may have a sad moment, but I'm back to enjoying life.
So be honest with yourself... know your limits. Make the tough decision to both properly care for yourself and your LO, despite their reaction. And please, don't be afraid to be a caregiver, but know when to say “I give up”!!
But, I think if you had loving parents and you like them then when the time comes and they need you. You should
step up if there is any way possible.
If they're Abusive then I would check them into a home.
Mostly, it's been my relationship with my mother that's taken the most hits. I no longer have a good relationship with her and that's not entirely due to her dementia. I do not believe a child can become their parent's "parent" without damage being done to the parent-child relationship.
My mother tells me she hates me regularly. She's called me an idiot, stupid, a liar, a b**** for reasons such as my not allowing her to feed the pets our groceries, not allowing her to take all the towels out of the bathroom and sleep on and under them, not allowing her to leave the house to go to her mom's house (my grandmother had been dead for almost 28 years and her house was in a different state 2700 miles away), not allowing her to rummage through my daughter's food when we're at her house babysitting my granddaughter, not allowing her to hide cooked food in the desk drawers, not allowing her to put frozen dinners in the cabinet to "thaw," not allowing her to loosen all the lightbulbs instead of simply turning the lights off - and this is just a fraction of the reasons she gives for hating me. Although I never really expected gratitude - my mother has a deep, ingrained sense of entitlement - the fact that the only times she DOES say thank you to me us when she's being sarcastic has become a big thing for me.
Since taking on this role I have become just as isolated as she is, people have all slowly disappeared over the years. I can go for days on end with the only human voice I hear is hers either insulting me or saying things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I've lost all sense of home and I miss my home so much it's like grieving a death. I cannot work outside of the house so I no longer have a normal job, I freelance from home and have worked between 3-5 jobs at the same time since 2015. All my money goes to this house, these bills, those expenses, and in return the food I buy is wasted, I'm insulted and I have to deal with a mom who hates me. Many things have happened to me, devastating and traumatizing things, that I'd normally turn to my mom with but I no longer have a mom to turn to.
And now, after all these years telling myself there's hope for me to have my life back one day, holding on to that possibility desperately, I'm faced with a possible serious, serious attack on my own physical health. So it now looks like these hard, painful, lonely, miserable years spent in this depressing house dealing with a very spiteful, mean woman who looks like my mother, may be my last. And that thought rips me up inside. Trying to be both caregiver and daughter has resulted in my not being able to be much of either.
I don't recommend it.
How many of us can relate to Cher singing, ‘If I could turn back time’? I know that I definitely would not have stayed being a caregiver for as long as I did, at least not a ‘hands on’ caregiver. It truly does rob us of our own lives when the circumstances become too much for us to handle.
Why on earth do some of us feel that we can take on the massive responsibility that takes a staff at a facility? I have asked myself this a million times over and have never come up with a good answer.
I love my mom but I have no guilt in being able to say that I am glad being a caregiver is behind me.
For all of you still feeling trapped or confused take it from me and others who finally let go to find the strength to let go and let others fill when we have done more than our share.
I used to feel that I was strong for holding on but sometimes the real strength is in letting go.
She shut up like a clam and she never threatened suicide to me again. This was said to her on my 30th birthday--when she had told me to run by her house as she had a gift for me. What a great gift.
My whole childhood was governed by the fear that I would walk in the house after school one day and find her dead and it would be'my fault'. What a rotten way to control kids.
She's also held my 'inheritance' over my head all my life. I stand to inherit $9,825. Oh, and I 'owe' her trust $1500. It's so hard to get past these not-so-subtle stabs in the back.
Whether some dodgy gene caused this or they learnt it from their parents - I don't know.
But you are a survivor. Thank goodness you can now choose how you respond to her.
Some people say to look past your childhood parent & have a relationship with the elder that is now in front of you. But I've mostly found old leopards still have the same spots.
Sorry for you that you have survived so much, but I believe you will recover. Mainly because I think you are resourceful and now have insight that you are being manipulated by her. Change your response to this manipulation and not only will you feel good for regaining control over your choice to engage or not engage but you will set her back a bit and maybe change the dynamic.
You can't live her life for her, you must live your own and let her figure hers out.
Even if living her life out is in a skilled nursing place. Don't feel guilt if you can't handle her on your own. She is just doing what she knows how to do to get what she perceives she needs. You don't have to play her game. You need to take that life God gave you and create your future.
I can relate what to you are going through and I hope my words encourage you. Be selfish for your own good and don't second guess that choice. Things will get better for you when you choose you first.
God bless,
I am so sorry to hear about your health issues and stress. Praying for a miracle for you.
Having said that, taking care of my mom didn't ruin my life. It was hard. I probably wouldn't ever do it for someone who I didn't love with all my heart but I am one of the walking stronger and not the walking wounded. Taking care of mom was a role I was meant for I think and I would do it again (for her) but probably no one else.
"You are eligible to collect spousal benefits on your former wife’s or husband’s earnings record as long as:
*The marriage lasted at least 10 years.
*You have not remarried.
*You are at least 62 years of age.
*Your ex-spouse is entitled to collect Social Security retirement or disability benefits.
Your former spouse doesn't have to be collecting his or her retirement benefits yet for you to claim ex-spousal benefits. However, if this is the case, the divorce must be at least two years old. (There is no such requirement if your ex is already receiving benefits.)
The most you can collect in divorced-spouse benefits is 50 percent of your former mate's primary insurance amount — the monthly payment he or she is entitled to at full retirement age (currently 66 but gradually rising to 67 over the next several years). You can get that maximum if you file for benefits when you reach full retirement age, if you claim earlier, the benefit amount is reduced."
Under full retirement age it is, as noted above, a reduced amount (already reduced as you would only get a %age of what the spouse was entitled to), but ANYONE retiring and collecting SS before FRA will get a reduced amount.
As for your situation now - I don't know what agencies you would want to check with, but there must be some that can provide assistance. You don't want to sit and pray, waiting for someone to bring assistance to you, you'll have to seek it. SSI (62 or over, BUT it does help those with disabilities too), food stamps, unemployment (if you lost your job), any housing assistance, etc. There's no indication of your ages, but assumption again is that you are under retirement age. If you are without a job, can you try to secure one, even a low paying one for now? Although a friend may take you in, you have concern for some animals. Would any of your friends cut you some slack, temporarily, to allow you some space for them too? If not, perhaps check locals shelters and see if there are any that could take yours in temporarily until you can get squared away. If you have some funds still, offer to pay for their food and needed care. Set up visit schedules with them - maybe volunteer with them, so you can watch over your babes.
Your time and suffering with your mother is now behind you. Let it go and think positively, reach for the future and set reasonable goals for getting a job, finding shelter, getting whatever financial assistance you can, etc. Be proactive. If you focus on all the negative that is behind you, it WILL drain you. Let that all go and focus on what you CAN accomplish!
My parents were only married 5 years. Mom was supported by her parents after that, and we were on food stamps when I was little for a while.
I hope you will feel better soon. Enjoy your vacation! It is well deserved.
You are so smart not to want your mom living with you. Trust me when I say that I was cracking up when mom lived with us. It’s just too hard. Even if there is no narcissistic ways or other mental health issues it’s a huge burden. Narcissism would make it a million times harder!
People are sometimes reluctant to use the word ‘burden’ but it is the truth.
I hope and pray that you can find a way out of the situation you're in right now and don't wind up living in your car. I hope and pray you can find a way to take care of YOURSELF now and to put the histrionics of your mother's drama OUT of your mind and life entirely. Wishing you all the very best of luck, dear woman.
.I will not sacrifice all the effort he made by taking care of him myself alone when it destroys everything he worked for .
I hope you receive your miracle. I hate the thought of you being homeless.
Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I think that your warning is very well delivered. I cannot imagine what people are thinking when they, often well toward or even in their middle yeas, are putting out money that they may well need. And we do hear of scheme most often designed to save "inheritances" and "homes" that end up only doing hard to all involved.
You can do a good deal of good just with posting your experiences here. Please take care.