My dad wants female companionship or possibly more. He has recently found a female friend. She is 47 and he is soon to be 80. Whilst I am fairly liberal, I can’t help but wonder why she wants to be friends with such an older man. He has told me they go out often and from what I gather he has paid about 70/30. He is very generous with his money, but is in no way wealthy, but has a reasonable pension and owns his own house. I would like nothing more than it to be all ‘above board’ but I worry about him. We are taking him out for his 80th and he has told me that she would like to meet me and my brother. Obviously I would like to look into the situation as I am concerned there may be something more sinister. Am I overreacting?
Too many people think POAs can be used to take advantage of them. However this isn't the case. We should ALL be doing this now, not just waiting until we are old. Having something catastrophic happen (debilitating injury or illness) can suck down all your assets if there is long term care needed and you are self-paying. Who takes care of paying your bills if you cannot? If you have to sell your home to cover these costs, where do you live when you get out?
We did it for mom when dad wasn't well, redid it later to protect her assets (from herself and/or anyone trying to scam her) and now are using those assets to keep her in a nice care facility without needing Medicaid. I plan to set this up as well, once I can scum up enough money for it (living paycheck to paycheck, retired in the new Great America!)
Not that means this gal feels that way, I can also tell you some horror stories. Therefore, I agree with the people who have told you to have her over, get to know her. Treat her well until you know different. My niece didn't treat this gal well and it caused a permanent rift in their family.
Regardless, unless he has several million in assets, it doesn't sound like she's out to get much if he passes. She is already paying for 1/2 the home cost and paid out 16k for a trailer? Depending on where they live, just getting the house could be a boost for her, but this case sounds okay.
"Help Dad set up his estate in an irrevocable trust for long term tax benefits and financial security. This will also protect him from losing more than he can afford if she does turn out to be a problem."
...and protection will be there for ANYONE who attempts to swindle dad as he ages and/or becomes incompetent.
We did this for mom when dad was not well and redid the necessary parts when mom started down the early road to dementia, before it was too late. I myself am nowhere near that age and want to do this for myself/mykids, but currently no funding available to get it done! Too many throw away money to not so legit "charities" , magazine subscriptions, work they are told needs to be done that never gets done, etc. We do have to watch out for our parents if possible, so that they do not end up destitute. Not saying this woman is going to bilk him, but setting up protection is for any circumstance is wise, and if she does turn out to be one of "those", he will be "safe."
Maybe she legit cares for your dad. I know that "older men" have always been attracted to me (not reciprocated as I am married to my own old man :) but I always find that the gents who chat me up at the hardware store or just out and about are ALL well into their 70's. And realistically, I find myself attracted to them, in a way. Even tho my DH is only 66 he acts like he's 80, and has for a long time, so that's probably why. It's NICE to have a man listen to you and seem to value your opinion. My DH quit doing that 30 years ago.
Give her the leeway to see what she's about. A lot of women enjoy the company of gentlemen who seem to know how to treat a woman. The fact she does pay for 30% of her "portion" is a good sign--or a red flag. Really, ya'll have to meet her. And do so without prejudice. She's 47? That is hardly an "young thang".
You say that dad has paid about 70% of their dates, that is what his generation believes, if you, as a gentleman, take a lady out, you pick up the bill. She has been able to get him to let her pay 30%. A gold digger wouldn't pay one penny.
You say she wants to meet you, if she had larseny in her heart, she would avoid you like the plague. People that are up to no good want as few eyewitnesses that can identify them as possible.
You don't tell us what kind of health your dad is in, is he sick, frail, feeble or is he vibrant, energetic? Is he interesting, does he have a great sense of humor, is he kind and compassionate? If the former, yea, I would wonder, if the latter, why are you surprised that a female would find him and his companionship attractive.
Love is blind but it is also age indifferent.
It took 3 years for me to meet my dads young thang. She was resistant, even when he forced it. She did everything in her power to separate him from all of his friends and family, of course he participated, he was an ego driven person that was flattered a young thang wanted him, so he willingly believed the lies. There were red flags everywhere and he was the only one that couldn't see them. I didn't think about her motives one way or another, until I met her. She was like a bitch in heat, marking her man, really? Yuk, I'm his daughter why would you behave that way? To prove to me she had him. He was a wealthy, fat, bald, old man. When she divorced him, almost to the day she qualified to collect on his SS, he was almost dead, 70#s of water weight, teeth rotted out of his head, kidneys failing, and his monthly SS check to his name.
She brought her next victim to his house, a rented trailer, that he actually paid the July rent for her, as we were moving him out. She had her hooks so deep that he only knew to keep her happy or pay the consequences. She spent everything he had, he lost his business trying to please her and she would always have something she needed so he couldn't see to his own health. To this day he thinks she did nothing wrong.
I didn't mean to go on, my point is that you should have your antenna up, but watch how she behaves, if she is up to no good there will be obvious signs.
Until she has given you a real live obvious reason to be concerned welcome her as dads friend, if you say anything it creates a reason to disconnect from you, she will use it to her advantage and your dad will choose her. If she is up to something, she knows the game and how to win. You can't help if you have no contact, keep that in mind.
If she is only looking for a safe male, Praise The Lord, you now have another person to help dad and that is invaluable.
Give her an honest chance to show her true colors, not your already distorted colors of her.
It's important to know what he has, so one could make conscious decisions about how long his $ will last, etc. as he ages.
God only knows what his needs will be, yet it requires to be discussed so one is facing reality and prepared for anything.
The burden will fall on you, or Medicaid, if he runs out of money too quickly. Will he want to live in a Medicaid facility if the money is gone and it goes that way? This is a possible reality....and I hope he gets that, so he, too, can see the big picture.
Just focus on the money with him, and less on the girl.
Perhaps you can work out a budget?? Are you POA already??
Much love n luck, sister! Let us know how it goes...
Now, protect him from his impulses. My dad found someone, too. She was his own age, but that doesn't matter. He had a bit of money and owned his home. After several years of living with her, he had no money and no home. I don't blame her for a bit.
She never swindled him, his own generosity and early-stage dementia whittled away every penny. I don't think she ever had a sense of how modest his income and assets were and they never did anything particularly splashy or indulgent, just well beyond their means.
She then passed away, her kids sold her home (he had moved in with her) and he's left lonely and struggling and depending upon us for financial support.
Dementia very often makes its first attack on a person's ability to make simple financial decisions. By the time the family notices glaring dementia symptoms and gets involved, the money's gone.
Protect your dad. Sit him down, express your delight that he's found someone to share his days with, and go over his income and expenses. Sign him up for online banking, if he isn't already, so you can keep tabs on his expenditures and intervene when things go sideways. Best bet is to take him to an elder law attorney for a consultation.
Don't be as sorry as I am.
We did this for mom when dad was not well, then redid what was needed later before her dementia went beyond the capability to agree/sign. I can say the living trust part of this (condo) was a pain in the butt. We had to move her (wouldn't allow aides to come in) and selling it while she is still living was a nightmare (certain percentage is allotted to her, and the rest to us - we all put our share back into the trust, but have to file capital gains. We plan to have the trust pay for the portion of taxes due for the gains. It was too much to hang onto the place (about 14k just for taxes and condo fees, then replacing a lot of glass due to fogging and the whole heat/AC system...) But it still beats losing the whole thing to some swindler (ANYONE can potentially take advantage of an elder without our knowledge!)
It certainly is his money. But when his money is all gone and the girlfriend is, too, it will be his children's problem. He won't have the luxury of choosing to live how he wants, he'll be dependent upon his children and they are right to be concerned.
I've found that the majority of adult children aren't trying to inherit all their parents' money, they're just worried that their parents won't have enough to last the rest of their lives.
Assisted Living costs an average of $50,000+ per year where I live. If her dad is 80. If he needs that someday, but he's frittered away all of his money being overly generous with his lady friend, they're stuck trying to piece together care for him and he's stuck living a sad and lonely existence; fully dependent, with no choices to make.
Here's a twist: Before my dad died of cancer at age 57, he told my brother to make sure my mom, age 53, remarried a younger man. Dad believed that older men were only interested in women her age as a live-in, unpaid caregiver. Was he a male chauvinist or clear eyed realist? Food for thought.
Weve just been through a nightmare with my parents regarding unscrupulous women. They were loving and doting.... especially to my sweet trusting father. All the while gaining access to his accounts, asking about his land ( he was willing to sell to them for a fraction of its worth because he was being worn down) and there was theft- not just cash(over $5000) but in hours, pay, etc.
please check your local court records to see if her name appears for anything unscrupulous- we wish we had.
Believe the good in everyone; but be as wise as you can be, too.
However, Keep an Eye on this Guy and Make you let her Know how it will Go.
You won't enjoy the event if you use it to cross-examine her, of course. Take an interest in her but as a rule of thumb do not ask her any questions which you yourself would find offensive or intrusive if they were put to you.
Hmmm... worried about him. Worried about him? Worried about what happens to his savings and his house after he no longer needs them..? I don't mean this point as a criticism, because who wouldn't be affronted if some gold-digging interloper waltzed off with their father's hard-won assets; but do be clear-eyed about what exactly your concerns are.
It doesn't flatter your father to find it so amazing that a much younger, but not young, woman would enjoy his company. I might also point out that we ladies well into middle age struggle in the dating game when it comes to our own age bracket (well. I personally don't struggle because I'm not playing, but there is a lot of it about); and one of the most unattractive things about men in their fifties and sixties is that they are not attracted to their female peers.
Enough musing. Take an interest in this lady, find out where they met, ask her pleasant conversational questions - get to know her, in short. Then you'll know what more you need to know.
Invite her to the party and feel her out. Your opinion about the relationship will not be wanted. You will just push him away. Just keep your eyes and ears open.
I had a cousin that was - was writing my father. Found out he was sending her cash in the return letter. He thought she was broke. I told him she had a fancy computer, fancy cell phone, showed him on google maps where she lived... he stopped sending her money. That 50 cent stamp was getting her $20 to $40 dollars a month. Now the letters come but not as often, oh and I check each envelope that goes out... "because the post office in on my way to work"
Blessings
hgn
My biggest concern would be that she may try to get him to change his will.
Are you able to have a heart to heart talk with him about your concerns? This may be a good time to discuss you or your brother becoming POA if you are not already. It would be a good idea too for Dad to make his bank accounts joint with you and your brother.
Find out as much as you can and hire an investigator if your instincts lead you that way. Yes, there is a woman in my neighborhood we call the black widow. 3rd husband died unexpectedly....shacked up with his 85 year old father whom just lost his wife.....end result= inhereted $$ from 3 people. It happens.