Due to financial concerns we need to downsize again in order to make our money last longer. I just started leaving him in an elderly daycare for 10 hours per week, in order to give myself a break from 24/7 caregiving. He does well there. However I am worried that the upheaval of moving will make him worse. He had a bad fall (off a cliff!) in September, with some head trauma, and has deteriorated more rapidly since then. However, I can’t afford our increasing expenses as time goes on, especially if we stay in our present home. Does anyone have any experience with this? Thank you.
it sounds like you have your priorities in order. You know whether you can afford to continue where you are OR not and you have found help in managing your days with DH.
There are so many components that are variable from one person to the next.
I would suggest before you move you also consider it an option to speak with an elder attorney to see what your options are to place your husband should that become necessary.
I think sometimes the spouse fears being left impoverished if their loved one needs more care than they can afford. I read on this forum that if Medicaid is needed that the community spouse is not left impoverished. There sometimes comes a point that your being able to manage his care is more important than actually providing all the hands on care. So please when you make your plans consider that with the advancement of his dementia it might soon be necessary to find even more help than the daycare.
It is so important to the both of you that you take care of you.
The new place I would try to arrange things to be as much like the old house as possible. If you can't afford respite, then put him in daycare for the week you are moving. Don't let him see the comings and goings. Then when u pick him up, take him right to the new place. At first, don't say anything and see what happens. If he asks, keep it simple.
The first thing to get put in the new house was his recliner. I was having the TV connected while we were on our way. Once we got to the new house he went in, sat down in his recliner and that was pretty much the extent of it. At dinner time we had pizza, one of his favorite foods! and by the time it was time for me to get him ready for bed (he needed guidance at this time not actual "help") he got into bed, I gave him a kiss (our normal nighttime routine) and that was pretty much the way the rest of the days went. He did mention "the other house" or "home" but I did not have any problems.
So keep to the routine as much as possible. If you can arrange a longer day at Day Care the week leading up to the move, it will give you a chance to pack and arrange what will be first into the truck and what will be first out to make things feel more like home to him.
Yes he may have problems but you never know...each person is different.
If possible keep the routine as much the same as possible. Get up at the same time, meals the same time, day care the same days (with increased time for a while if possible)
And if he does not adjust right away don't worry, he will adapt.
By the way if you are moving to a large complex from a single family home this may be more confusing for him. Make sure he can not get out on his own. And if there is any chance that he would wander get a tracking device. (as silly as it sounds there are tags you can put on a dog that you can set a range so if the dog goes out of range you will be alerted. Or tags that can be put on luggage so you know where it is. As far as I know these do not have monthly fees like the medic alert systems do.)
More important now is the reality of your financial situation. You have to be in a safe place that you can afford and do your best to help hubby adjust.
He's not all there as it is, and you need to make it work as long as you can.
I would find a respite facility that can keep him for a few days, or however long you need, to do what you must do.
Then you can truly give your attention to setting up in a new place.
May you have a smooth and easy transition!
His dementia will get worse if you move and it will get worse if you don't move. It can't be the priority in making a decision so critical to how you'll be able to live the rest of your lives.
Also, keep in mind, he may get confused about his surroundings even if you stay where you are. Sometimes, people's minds take them back to previous homes and their current home doesn't make sense.
but he is so glad we did it. Our lives are smaller, handier, simpler, easier, less encumbered. Was a great decision! No regrets at all.
I made sure he never saw a for sale sign or a showing. Never saw boxes packed (in guest rm w door closed). Was away when The Uhaul truck & family came & never saw set up in new place. He never once mentioned our beach home we sold amazingly. I made sure he was occupied or sleeping. It can be done.
The day of the move we put her in the car and left even before the movers because of her frustration and confusion. The two day ride to our home was unbelievable. She would look at the map, knowing we were going to Ohio, but kept telling us we were on the wrong road, especially as we drove through her old stomping grounds in Illinois. It was obvious that time and place were all jumbled up much more than we thought.
Once we got to our house, better, consistent nutrition, regular hours for medication and sleep, she actually improved quite a bit.
Fast forward 3 years and her confusion has gotten worse. Her mobility has greatly declined and her grumpiness has increased. Each person is different and of course, where they are in the journey determines how much they can handle.
The good thing about your move is that you will still be with him. That may be all that matters to him. Blessings as you make this move.