I’m in desperate need of some help. I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 25. We have been dating for quite a while. His parents are both disabled, have had strokes, cancer, diabetes. Basically, they need a lot of care. He moved back in with them before we started dating to “help” them. When I entered their house I was absolutely appalled by the smell. They must be nose blind because it is horrendous. Their elderly dogs poop and pee in the house frequently. They are hoarders and you can barely move in the house. There is trash everywhere. My boyfriend usually isn’t home with them and when he is, he is usually sleeping. He works about two hours away and then when he gets back will usually go to the bar. I have seen him grocery shop for them and do their laundry but other than that, nothing. He’s convinced they will die if he’s not “there helping”. I convinced him and his parents to hire an in home care aide FINALLY!! But, she was bit by one of the dogs so she stopped coming. I asked him how often they bathe and he said maybe once a month (I asked because I noticed boxes in the shower). I’ve tried everything to get him to go to a Human Services office or something. It’s horrible living conditions and they need specialized care. The father ends up in the ER almost weekly now. Does anyone have any advice and would this be considered neglect? Thank you so much.
At first I was thinking your boyfriend was very uncaring, but now I am thinking he is totally frustrated at his parents that he stays away as much as he can. Bet a day doesn't go by when there isn't a fight over the condition of the house. Sounds like boyfriend has given up, and I don't blame him. Hoarders rarely listen to advice of their own children.
It's nice that you convinced the family to hire an Aide, but seriously, what Aide would want to work in those conditions? Being bitten by a dog is serious, I bet the dogs haven't had yearly rabies shots. Chances are the "bite" was a nip, otherwise if the Aide went to a doctor for treatment, the doctor is required by State law to notify the authorities of an animal bite unless the Aide has a copy of a recent rabies shot for that dog.
How does the father get to the ER? Does the son drive him? I would have 911 come out to the house. They could be the "bad guys" who report the living conditions to the authorities, and maybe that would get the ball rolling.
As you know, BF is simply not able to effectively help his parents to the extent that they need help. Not His Fault. And it doesn't make him a Bad Son or a potentially Bad Boy Friend. But it does mean he is in a situation way over his head and does not recognize that, and he is dealing with this largely with avoidance. Drinking is part of that avoidance. This would worry me a lot if I were thinking of marrying this man, and even more so if I hoped to have children with him. His behavior here is certainly not Evil, but it isn't Healthy, either.
Call APS. And discuss the possibility of couple counseling. An objective, trained outsider could help you both see things more clearly.
You might have to harden your nose a bit, but look at it this way. BF thinks his parents will die if he is not there "helping." Well. He is there "helping" and his parents are continuing along the path that has already made them diabetic, disabled and living in conditions of utter squalor. Bluntly, it looks as if they will die if he *is* there "helping," at least in the way that he has been doing so far.
And these people are in their sixties. I know it doesn't seem like it when you're 21, but that is not old.
Is your BF an only child? I ask because, if he is, he must have been a late-ish baby, which makes me wonder if there were problems long before he came on the scene; and if not maybe he could get input from his sibling(s)?
Meanwhile, though; you say you don't want him to find out you called APS. Why not? You shouldn't be afraid of standing your ground when it comes to doing what you think is right.
If you like your BF's parents and you hope to continue the relationship, you really don't have any choice but to make this a line in the sand. Tell your boyfriend that if he doesn't call APS and get advice, you will. Better if he does, but somebody has to.
Will he be in trouble with the authorities for neglect? - no. His parents are in their sixties, competent adults, and he has had no authority to organise their lives and therefore cannot be held responsible for the condition of the household. But as Jeanne says, morally he must do what he can to help, and that means asking for help.
As for your boyfriend going to the bar all the time whether it is avoidance or not, do you really want that type of partner in your life? Someone who uses alcohol to avoid reality?
You sound like you have a heart that is in the right place. Use the guidance that good heart gives you.
Look up "parentified child".
He has a good job? Presumably with mental health benefits. Tell him he should use them.
What do your parents think about this situation?
Sometimes you have to know when to say “enough”. I know you said you adore them and love your BF. But I believe if you don’t want to p**s off your boyfriend by calling in help, there’s not much you can do without their cooperation. They’re lucky to have you, but it’s sad that they won’t let you help.
If they truly don't want your help, then don't offer it anymore. As for your boyfriend's idea of the two of you moving in there, I would turn tail and run if I were you.