My partner and I are going through a rough patch and I told her I want a separation. I was pretty involved in the care of her mother who has Alzheimer’s but I broke off all contact in May because her mom mistreated me. She has had to pick up all the slack because her sister doesn’t help. She recently had to fire the caregiver because of an incident that happened and has no replacement yet.
Despite us being on bad terms and me not even talking to her mom in months she asked if I can - at least temporarily - help her with her mom because she is overwhelmed.
I didn’t want to do it BEFORE the separation. I don’t want to do it now. I am starting to feel guilty a little because even though I want to split up I don’t know if it is right to watch her struggle to care for her mom. On the other hand, I couldn’t care less what happens to her mom right now.
What would you do in my situation? Should I just suck it up for a month?
Then, I might tell her to call a few caregiver agencies to help out in the interim and wish her luck on finding a new permanent caregiver. Or you could suggest placement in a facility for her mom.
Be honest with yourself too. You know that you don’t want to be in this situation anymore. It wouldn’t end well if you caved in to your ex partner’s request.
You don’t owe her anything, not even an explanation if you don’t want to go into detail. I think that you are feeling empathy for your ex in this situation, not necessarily guilt.
You’re not talking about a child who deserves love from both parents. She can hire someone to help with caring for her mom.
Perhaps MIL could go in respite care while your ex takes some personal time and finds her a home.
I know this must be a tough decision to make.
You can show kindness & help in other ways to your now-ex IF you felt that was best eg offer to drop in a takeaway meal or some groceries. But you will have to weigh carefully any positives against any extra tension & unpleasantness.
What about no. Kind, honest & firm.
I am very sorry you have this tough situation.
No, I cannot provide care duties for your Mother.
I trust you will find the right care solutions soon.
If you are really willing to do this, you need a serious deadline with specific goals. Something like three days:
Day 1 - Partner gets a good night’s sleep to prepare for decision making.
Day 2 - Partner lists alternatives with pros and cons and makes initial choice (most likely Medicaid facility care unless financial resources are abundant).
Day 3 - Partner confirms and implements plan.
Frankly, I’d sooner pay a professional caregiver and limit my participation to being the person that they call first during the three days rather than do it myself if I were in your position. My priorities and resources may be different, and I’d hopefully act as a gesture of goodwill in memory of better times rather than guilt.
Maybe offer to fund half of the first week of respite care. I agree that less personal involvement is probably better at this point.
1) You do not have to help at all . You can tell your partner you are sorry she’s overwhelmed but she will have to find another solution.
2) You can help by running some errands and dropping off some food for a limited time , but you are not obligated to do anything .
3) OR…..If you are looking for reconciliation you could offer to help with a hard deadline of her placing her mother in a facility . And by help, you should not do the hands on caregiving . You could come over and make some meals , do some cleaning and laundry, errands , grocery shopping .
Explain that it is not a good idea for you to do any hands on caregiving considering how you were treated . Don’t be left alone with this woman . You don’t need her accusing you of anything .
We can always count on you to tell us how you feel without beating around the bush. I love it!
This is your ex's problem, don't get involved, once you are pulled into her web you will not get out easily.
She is your Ex....E X P A N D on it.
Her slightly bizarre and cheeky request tells you who this ex of yours really is. Believe it.
She knows that her mom mistreated you and now she is asking for you to go back into the line of fire. This is a red flag for sure.
Your ex is overwhelmed and what you do now will determine if it is permanent or not. What is your long term plan with a separation?
Personally, I would help my partner with planning a new plan and helping it be implemented, I don't think abandoning her now is a kind thing to do, even though you want a separation doesn't she mean anything to you? If not, get a divorce and cut the tie completely, she doesn't need more grief at this stage of her life but, if you still care, help her get mom placed and be her friend right now.
Your MIL has a broken brain and your partner is trying to do ?? the right thing, what mom wants ?? Help her break whatever cycle has you both in this position.
Talking about, dealing with, my MIL is the ONE THING that keeps me and my DH apart, emotionally and physically and mentally. He puts her first and I feel it, and know it--and know why--but it's very hard to be the last person on the list.
I do not, and will not, help in the physical care of my MIL. I walked out 4 years ago and have not and will not go back.
Do NOT walk back in to that.
Esp if MIL knows you're splitting up. While that would thrill MY MIL to pieces, it would come at such a cost.
Your ex can do the same thing. Use whatever money Moms has to place her and when almost gone apply for Medicaid. You can give her a date that you will help till then. But as u can see, most of the members think you are right not to get involved at all.
If you are feeling generous to the ex maybe offer to run some errands for her but absolutely no in person contact with MIL. Does she know MIL's treatment of you helped in your decision to end the marriage?
If you and your ex-partners mother were on good terms and you wanted to do this do it ONLY if you have a contract in place and you are paid for your services as a caregiver at the normal rate for the are where you live.
She can hire another caregiver.
People get married to make their relationship legal, thus the “in-law” part. They sometimes remain unmarried because they don’t want the obligations. Maybe that was you. So walk.
A partnership involves as much as a marriage does. However, there is no reason to look after MiL - it wouldn't be in anyone's best interests. MiL needs to be placed in some sort of residential care, so don't put off the inevitable.
But, dropping off grocery, prescriptions etc. could be a kindness that helps while arrangements are being made for placement.
If ex won't do that, then leave her to flounder; eventually, she'll call social services for help.
It really sounds like it's time for the mother to be cared for by professionals. The do-it-yourself method doesn't seem to be working and you stepping back in will only serve to prolong the situation.
I would not step back into a toxic situation.
Most toxic situations are easy to get into and hard to get out of.
The sister needs to help until a caregiver is found.
All due respect, no harm intended, wishing all the best, but no.
Your partner needs to figure it out. You are not the solution to the problem.
On the other hand, if you and your MIL were distant or strained (in addition to the mis-treatment in May), I would NOT do anything. Alzheimer’s means that your MIL could do a lot of mean things, just because her brain is broken.
As for your ex or soon to be ex, it is always a struggle. Just some struggles are worse than others. If you do not work through the struggle, the struggle will come back over and over again.
Sometimes, life really sucks....