I'm 21 years old and my mom is 62. I'm married and have 1 year old twins. My mom came to help after my kids were born because my husband works out of town for weeks at a time and I had no one else. If I knew I would be in a situation like this I would've never asked her to come. It's been almost a year and a half now and she's still living with us with no plans to move out. My husband is extremely easy going and didn't mind her living with us but after seeing her bad attitude and always fighting with me he's getting sick of her being here. She never ever leaves the house because she can't drive and says we live too far from her friends. We never get any alone time because she's always home and when she does go somewhere I have to drive her. It's the fact that she doesn't seem to want to have her own life, like get a job, go see friends or go out that irritates me the most. I'm sick of her always being here in my life 24/7. She acts like she's too old to be financially independent and places that burden on me (my husband). She doesn't make any effort to communicate with my husband after a whole year of living together because she "doesn't speak English". I know she speaks enough to make small talk but just doesn't make the effort. She has attitude all the time and can't do the simple things I ask her like please don't go into our room when we're not home or please wash the kids hands after they eat. She barely cleans or cooks and tells me she's unhappy to live here and when I tell her to leave she acts like she's doing us a favor by "helping us out". I'm so sick of this situation, it's literally making me suicidal. I'm sick of fighting with someone in my own home and feeling unhappy. She guilts me by saying it's my fault she's in this situation with nowhere to go and I'm a terrible daughter. I want to have my own life with my family!! I didn't get married to be with my mom 24/7 and for her to take such a big part of my life. I have no siblings to ask for help and no one else to take her and she won't be able to get a job to pay for her own rent. Living with her wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't home 24/7 but she never tries to leave!! Please give me advice on what I'm supposed to do.
If you have ANY doubts, my mother-in-law (MIL) will be 100 this year. Do you (or your husband) want to have your Mom with you for the next 38 years?? I am older than your Mom and I wouldn't be happy living with my daughter, son-in-law and their children.
You certainly have the right to have your own home and family. Having mom interfere with that is just unacceptable. It sounds like it's her own doing that it's not working out. It sounds like she's not respecting your privacy and not cooperating with maintaining the household. I'd make arrangements for her to leave. But, I would attempt to help her get set up on her own.
You say that she doesn't speak English, so I would suspect that she may be afraid to live alone. Can she take some classes and work on this? I'd try to find her an apt. near public transportation so that she can run her errands in her new place. And, I'd direct her to a list of numbers for resources. Most places have it available in languages other than English.
I bet she tries to make you feel guilty, because it's the only tool she has to control you. It's not fair, but, I'd try to see into her motivation and not let her get away with it. Be fair and use proper judgment. It's difficult when our parents refuse to do that, but, it's not too late for you to treat her fairly and do the right thing for all involved. I'd set an example for her and do it without arguing, fighting or discord. It'll likely make your easy going husband feel more comfortable too.
Is she able to work a job? Perhaps, working with people, who speak her language, even if part-time, might help her socialize more. Sixty-two is considered young, imo.
Sit down and have a discussion with her that things have to change. You and your husband need to have your home back. Give her a deadline at that point she will have to move out. Help her find Assisted Living or Independent Living in your area. That way she can still visit but she will become engaged where she lives. She will meet friends and go on outings. If there is a cultural difference if there is an organization in your area of the same culture call and ask if there is housing in the area that would be a good "fit". Or go the other way and get her in a diverse group so she will have to learn new things. (my thought has always been..we stop learning we start dying)
Another option would be to build or adapt a portion of your house to an "in-law" suite with a door that locks between yours and hers. This way she is close but you each have your own space. Make it clear that you WILL charge her rent and that she must clean her apartment. If you want to trade services she can babysit, do laundry and light house cleaning for you in exchange for rent. But this must be spelled out and I think it would be a good idea to have a contract and you must revisit it and if you find it is not working have another sit down meeting.
Her other option would be to move completely away. You did not say where she was before, if she had a house or an apartment, if she had furniture and other belongings.
You are not wrong for feeling frustrated, angry and worn out.
Another part of the discussion you should also mention that the way that she treats your husband needs to change. This is true no matter what the living situation ends up being.
I'm 66 and wouldn't think of doing what your mom is doing. You deserve and have every right to your own life without her underfoot 24/7. Work out the logistics and then tell mom. Don't give her the option of saying no.
It's for her own mental health too. She can't feel good about mooching off of you if she's healthy and able to live on her own. Hang in there and keep us posted - you'll get a lot of support from us and we're mostly older than your mom!
Is she a citizen? If not she should start that way. She is probably scared to leave, but she is not treating you well, so she needs to go.
You do not owe her your life and the life of your husband and children. The bible says that a man shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife. That goes for women too. She needs to get her own place.
Where is her furniture? She is barely eligible for Social Security, she can apply for that if her or her husband contributed. There is welfare, Talk to your Office on Aging. Social Security Administration. Does she go to church? They might be able to help you. Does she have health insurance? If not why not?
She might be depressed and scared. Look at her going to the doctor and maybe a counselor. If you are having too hard of a time doing this, you will benefit from some counseling also.
All the answers above are great, but personally, I think she needs to leave your property.
You do not HAVE to take her anywhere, there are buses, senior transportation, Uber, Taxi. Tell her you can't take her today and provide transportation for her. Even if you have to pay for bus fare, the time alone will be worth it. If she complains, don't listen. Just tell her, you are not and cannot take her.
You are not selfish for wanting your own life. She must not want to let go of you, but you are an adult, plus you are married. I think that I would tell her that my priorities in life are God, your husband, your twins, yourself and your mom which means that she's not high on the list. Thus, stop being lazy and leave.
Anuuka is 21 and has one year old twins. Her mother is 62. Her mother had Anuuka when she, the mother, was 41, then. That should have put paid nicely to any hopes of a good solid period of career fulfilment/earning running up to retirement, even assuming there ever were any. Then her daughter, having "no one else", calls and asks for help with the babies, seeing as husband's too busy, and mother responds; we don't know how far mother had to travel for this or where from or what kind of everything she had to drop to do it. And now she's not needed any more and her daughter and son-in-law have had enough of her. Boof! - out you go.
Mother's life of her own wasn't so important when Anuuka wanted her help, was it? And now she's complaining that her mother doesn't seem to want to have a life of her own. Hm. Interesting.
Not a bad daughter, no. Just a very young woman with a remarkably self-centred world view. I blame the mother..?