She had been living with us for around 2 and a half years. After much soul searching etc Mum has gone into a lovely place and I visit her twice weekly. However, sometimes I really miss her and feel I want to see her more. My husband kicks off, gets really cross, and says he has waited all this time to have me to himself and thinks twice a week is enough. Can I ask do you think is he being unreasonable or jealous or do you think I should do what I want? Mum has always wanted only me, and their relationship has never been good. I am 73, husband is 76. He worries time will run out for us.
Are you refusing a trip, a cruise, something he wants to do with you that entails travel? If so, I am on his side 100%. Your Mom is in care, and you should be able to leave to do a bit of travel, and etc.
However, if your husband cannot spare you from the home for a few hours several times a week I am worried for HIM. He should not need you shadowing his every move. I am 80. I often leave to do something my partner doesn't care to do--tomorrow it is the remarkable Bouquets to Art at the Museum here, an annual event that is crowded and "too much" for him. He often goes to do work with rescue dogs, training and etc. Or to shoot arrows. You and hubby aren't joined at the hip.
I am surprised that now that Mom is in good placement hubby,who must have SOOOOOOOO much more from you than he once had, is trying to micromanage your moves.
I would simply tell him that you WILL be going AT LEAST twice a week when you both in the area, and he will just have to find a way to entertain himself for a few hours. That you appreciate his concern but are a big girl capable of your own decisions.
All this is to say I don't get it. But sure do wish you both the best of luck.
Now unless your marriage is on shaky ground anyway and seeing your mum is just an excuse to not spend time with him, well that's a whole other issue huh?
If you wanted to go away for a week or two, for example, and never can because of visiting, then I'd suggest asking the staff for support and I'm sure they'll make a special fuss of her to make up for missed visits. I don't want to be alarmist about it or bully you, but I have to tell you that my cousin was restricted for years in what she and her partner could do together. Her mother passed away, they had five years or so after that, but then he died unexpectedly and she had only just retired from work. They do say "it's later than you think."
But in the end it's also true that you can't please everyone, and I can't think it's reasonable for your husband to ration your time with your mother. Don't get pulled in two by either party - decide for yourself what you're happy with.
I'm with your husband. It's his turn now and visiting mum twice a week is plenty. If you wanted to see her more than that, why did you place her to begin with?
My husband put up with 10.5 years of me having to deal with 2 elderly parents; he had to move them 7 times, go back and forth to hospitals with me, rehabs, doctors, specialists, etc etc. He is tired from all of my involvement over the past decade and is entitled to have me to himself now. And no, he was never 'jealous' of the time I devoted to my folks, just weary of the whole scenario.
Your mother 'only wanting you' and her relationship with your husband never having been a good one should make you stop and think how lopsided your efforts seem to be; in HER favor! When's it his turn? Think about it, and try to see where HE is coming from in the big picture.
Good luck.
I know many people who provided full time care to someone that still spent all of their time with them when they moved to a care home. I think sometimes the guilt or the desire to be needed keeps them going back every free moment, rather than enjoying the freedom while knowing your loved one is well cared for.
If he has no such diversion, maybe it's time to start making enquiries and droppping a few hints...
I know that when my mum died, dad was like a severed limb and never really recovered - they did EVERYTHING together and this became a stumbling block for him.
If visiting your mother brings you comfort and pleasure, pursue it (in moderation) or you may find resentment building after she has gone. In that respect time may run out for other reasons!