Young Millennial with aging parents. How do I bring up issues to parents?

Isn’t it sad that the daughter is always the one that is expected to take care of the parents?

I am so sorry that you are going through this situation.

Do not allow yourself to be intimidated by your brothers.

Explain to your parents that you have your hands quite full with your large family. Your immediate family is your first priority.

They will figure it out for themselves.

For the record, I am the biological child of my parents and I was expected to care for my parents.

We adopted our oldest daughter. We had a biological child several years later. We treated them exactly the same.

I wouldn’t expect either of our children to care for us. I am so sorry that your experience is different.

It makes me very sad to see how your parents and siblings have treated you.

Best wishes to you.

I don't think your parents need to share with you about their plans or finances, it's really none of your business. What you can do - must do - is to make it clear that no matter what those plans may be YOU are not going to give up your family or work life or in order to be a part of it. When pressure is brought to bear about the "debt" you own you need to laugh and reply that that is a misogynistic, old fashioned point of view and you will not be bound by it. In the mean time educate yourself about elder law and medicaid so that you have your own plan in place if they fail to make a realistic one of their own.

No one can assume you into caregiving unless you allow it. I understand the cultural pressures...my Italian-American family has similar expectations which I've had to rebuff (working full-time, my 3 kids, a grandkid, my MIL, so no way).

I think you must weigh whether you want your brothers and parents to know that you have no intention of providing the same kind of caregiving that your grandparents received (because it is honest and your parents are unwilling to talk about it) with the risk of angering them and even being disinherited (which is a real possibility). Not that inheritance should drive your decision, but just so you're not shocked and manipulated by it. When my parent threatened to disinherit me over a religious issue, I told them to go ahead, I didn't care. It was very freeing. And they didn't do it after all.

You can sit down with them during a calm moment and tell them you have something important to say and you don't expect a response. I suggest you have it written out so that you don't go off script. Keep it short and sweet. Then email or text the speech to your brothers so no one can say they "didn't know" and everyone gets the same info at the same time.

You can explain why you do not see yourself wanting to provide that same level of caregiving. You can explain that you've tried to get them to talk about it but they wouldn't. You can explain the reason you are telling them all now is out of love and concern so they can plan accordingly for their future. You can tell them in what ways you *are* willing to help (definitely not financially!) Make sure they know it is your wish and not your spouse's. No one is going to like your plan, so be prepared. But if I were you I would tell them sooner rather than later. I wish you a good outcome and peace in your heart that it's your choice and there's no wrong answer.

First of all you should not be using your money to care for elders. When their own savings and assets run out they will be under the care of federal and state programs. Otherwise, of course YOUR FIVE children will be asked to pay for YOU instead of you saving for yourself, which will be difficult enough with 5 children.
So that is number one.
Number 2 is that early 70s is VERY young in this day for you to be noticing things that really concern you. If you have parents going into early dementia then they could require care for three decades. Hopefully that is not the case.
Number 3 is that whatever funds they now have is what they WILL have for their care, unless they spend it all up before they need care. In that case refer back to point one, federal and state help.
As to cultural differences, yes, this will be difficult. But you are an American now. And basically the premise here, where you now live and where you will raise your children, is that parents have children if they wish to and are responsible for their care; the children then make their OWN LIVES and are responsible for the care of THEIR OWN CHILDREN. We even have our own mythological stories. For instance, the eagle father whose eaglets are threatened by flood, who carries first the number one chick across the raging waters and asks the chick "When I am old will you alike carry me to safety?" and the chick says "Yes, father, I will" and the eagle drops this chick into the raging waters to die. He then goes back for the second chick and as he carries him in his talons across the waters he asks "And when I am old will you save me in this manner" and the chick replies "No, father. I am sorry. I cannot. But I promise you that I will save my OWN chicks at the risk of my life". This chick the eagle carries to safety.
So now we are back to your early worrying (with all on your plate I am not sure why you are worrying so early because at this point it can change nothing). I would sit your parents down and explain to them the history they are aware of. That will take one sentence such as "You are already well aware of the problems you went through with grandma and grandpa. "
Now you will tell them "I well know the expectations of our culture, but now we are in America; our children are americans. We have a lot of children and they have some special needs. I have to let you know now that we will not have money to put into care of our elders I am afraid. And we worry what you may do. We need to let you know how crucial it is that you act the best you can in your own behalf. We won't be taking you into our home because it is already over taxed by having as many children as we have. We understand you may be disappointed in us, unhappy with us. We truly are sorry. But we feel it is crucial to be honest with you. We won't mention this again. Please let us know if we can help you other ways than financially or with living space, to prepare for the future."
End of story. Will you grieve? Yes. You will. Will you feel inadequate? Yes. Will you feel given your cultural expectations guilty? Yes. One of the few times I will allow the quilt word.
But quite honestly, when you think about all of this, what choices do you have.
Now after saying this it is time to let this lay. As I said, 70 is quite young to be descending into dementia. I am 78, and not starting down that path yet. But it could be happening. The truth is that your plate is full and you are already sounding quite overwhelmed. Picking up more suitcases cannot help you and can only do harm.
Many of my friends are first generation Americans and I KNOW full well the pull, the judgement, the anger. They chose to bring you here. Now you are here. And this sadly is the way it is. YOU already suffered at what happened with your parents choices. I beg you not to do this to your own children. As you can see, it has lasting repercussions.
My heart so goes out to you.

I don't expect to be "In my parent's business" nor do I want to be but after seeing my Mom battle cancer and my dad stating to show his age, I know it's only a matter of time before I get a call saying something happened to my folks..
I was a sudden stroke with one grandparent and a fall with another needing immediate need..I just want to know what my parents plans/wishes while still decently healthy. They refuse to talk with me (Their right.)

Do I just never bring it up again? Ask my oldest siblings to handle it etc?

Nicely let your parents know that your hands are full. They need to find another way to receive the care they need. You love them, but are not able to take on more.

Don't give to pressure. Stay strong.

My parents are 70 and like I said for the most part healthy but cancer, Dementia etc runs in our family. My Uncle died at 56 and needed 2 years of around the clock care. Tho 70 seems young I guess, I as a college kid saw what my own family was experiencing. My Grandad was diagnosed with Parkinson's in his 70s..

Momtomany - you parents refuse to plan for themselves, but you don't have to.

You can plan ahead on your plan to help:
--How much time you can give them. Be as specific as possible, such as 2 hours a week.
--What specific help you can offer. And what you will absolutely refuse. Again be specific.
--DO NOT move them into your house, or you to theirs.

These will be your boundaries to protect your life and that of your family.

Also, if you take on responsibility, make sure they give you the authority as well, such as POA and designated payee for SS.

It doesn't need to be a confrontation, it is far better to watch for opportunities to have a normal conversation. You have a young family, I assume you have your own legal ducks in a row? So you mention that you have made your own wills, assigned your own POAs and chosen who will be guardians of your children should the need ever arise, and you segue the conversation to their whether they have made their own plans and if their documents are up to date. When relative or friend or acquaintance has a health problem or downsizes or moves to assisted living you make a point of talking about it and making sure they hear and understand your position. Don't be wishy washy, my family's younger generation made it clear they will never be my caregiver (not that I ever expected that from any of them).

"...other relatives who say it's now my turn to "pay back" for everything my parents "have done for me"

You pay back by taking care of the next generation, and they do the same for next and the next, etc.

My parents have never discussed anything with me about their end of life plans, their goals, retirement etc. Matter of fact they are both still working full time from home.
They live in a large 2 story home and I would say "Mom I worried about dad hanging up Christmas lights and falling". I'm worried about your health mom. You are always sick! (She has pneumonia every month it seems). When I would call home I would be told they mom had minor surgery and it's no biggie to call back later etc.
Over Christmas I saw my Dad and he repeated himself like a dozen times. My mom said "I think your dad is losing it and being forgetful" he would snap and say "I'm not forgetful", where my mom would roll her eyes.

They tell me to let it go and that they are fine. They are very secretive and private about everything. When I found about my dad's cancer on accident he told me I wasn't allowed to tell a soul. None of his siblings or my siblings knew. Just my Mom and Dad best friend (who slipped and asked how dad was doing)

I love my parents and just want to know they will be okay.

I agree with Cwillie, just ask if your parents have their Wills, POAs etc prepared and if the POAs know where to find needed account information.

I think it is a bit disingenuous of other posters to state, you live in America now, culture does not matter. Culture does matter, it is deeply important and can be seen in how children are named, foods we eat, our faiths, the clothes we wear and yes, elder care. Elder care practices from "The Old Country" are based on generations of culture, but also on the availability of publicly funded care.

In some countries it was the norm to have large families hoping one or more would survive to provide care to the parents. In Indo-Canadian families, 3-4 generations living under one roof is common.

Even in North America, First Nations peoples care for their elders at home. Pre-Covid, if an elder was placed in hospital a family member was with them the entire time, in my community.

Momtomany, you have a large family, they must come first in all ways. Just as it is unreasonable for your family to expect you to provide for your parents, it is unreasonable for your brothers to uproot their lives and move home to provide care.

I'm an adopted only child and married a man whose folks had already passed away. That left us with the prospect of MY aging parents, and what to do about them when the time came.

I made it known for many years that I would NOT be taking my folks into my home to live with me, nor would I be moving in with them, 'when the time came' that they needed care. I grew up in a house where my mother begrudgingly took in her mother and it was hell on earth living in that house, for all of us. They fought constantly, and my childhood was ruined as a result. This is what led me to make the decision to NEVER take an elder into my home later on in life.

When my mother 'jokingly' told me that for the cost of Assisted Living, they'd pay ME to take care of them, I said "No mom, that will not work for me."

So, I wound up moving them to Colorado (from FL) into an Independent Senior Living apartment 5 miles away from me when dad had to stop driving & my mother refused to take on the 'burden' herself.

3 years later, Dad fell & broke his hip and all hell broke loose. The rehab would not release him back to independent living. NOW WHAT??????? Dad signed over his finances to me; we cashed out his 2 stocks, applied for VA Aid & Attendance Benefits (because he was a wartime Army vet) to the tune of $2300 a month. So, together with their SSI checks, the Aid & Attendance, the cash out of their stocks & their savings account, I was able to place them in Assisted Living in 2014. Dad passed in 2015 and my mother is still alive at 94 & living in Memory Care Assisted Living now with dementia. I am still paying her way privately, the Aid & Attendance benefits are extended to her in a smaller amount as the survivor of the vet, and when the money runs out, then I'll apply for Medicaid to fund her stay in Skilled Nursing if she's still alive.

One way or another, it all falls into my lap as the only child.

One way or another, you and your husband will have to decide how to handle the future care of your parents; will it be in your home (which I do not recommend) or will it be in Assisted Living, and how it will be financed. Do they have homes that will have to be sold? You'll need to get financial and medical POAs installed first.

Keep at the folks; just b/c they don't want to talk about all of this doesn't make it not valid or something that won't happen. In fact, it presents a much bigger burden to YOU by them NOT talking about it. Present it to them that way. Ask for THEIR help on behalf of YOU planning for their care down the road.

Stubbornness is not a good trait to have, but one that most of us are familiar with thanks to our folks.

Wishing you the best of luck constructing a plan that YOU can live with.

Hop the kids up on sugar, leave the house a mess, and throw in a dog or two and invite your parents over for dinner. Let them experience the chaos you are dealing with and maybe they will start to make some plans. I tried to have that conversation with my parents and it did not go well. My mom threatened to leave all her money to the church, said she had a random relative a couple of states away that wanted her to come live with her (I'll help you pack Mom), planned to adopt a teenager to be her servent (she was not joking), and eventually they said they would just wait for the disaster. I have tried to communicate my position but they plan to back me into a corner by the inevitable disaster. I can assure you we will all be disappointed in the outcome but at this point I do not see a clear path to avoid it.

So try to have the conversation with your parents but also communicate in other ways. As they start needing a little bit of help here and there you cannot be that help, or it will just keep increasing until you are overwhelmed and feel trapped.

There are many of layers of dysfunction and issues in my family so I hope your conversation goes much better. Good luck!

"I'm not sure why me the Daughter with the 5 young kids is expected to take this on." Why you? Because you're the girl. Most cultures always expect the daughters to be the caregivers. I guess it's believed that the girls are more sympathetic and have some kind of inherent care giver gene built into their DNA.

But as others have said, this isn't the old country any more. What would your parents do if they had no children, expect one of their siblings to take care of them? As to your relatives, again.. this isn't the old days when it might be acceptable to have several children to work as free farm labor and house servants. Quite frankly, it's none of their business, either, but I'm sure it's easy to be intimidated by them because they are older (some of them may even count on it). In your case it might be better to simply ignore them and don't try to engage.

You shouldn't feel guilty for putting your own family first, either, that's how it's supposed to work :)

A couple of things --

Yes, you should be focused on your own family first. You have your hands more than full as it is, so you need to control what you CAN control.

Parents who are starting to fail also have trouble making decisions. My MIL is in pretty good health overall and is sharp as a tack, but she never handled the money in the household. My FIL -- also in good health and pretty sharp -- fell, hit his head, had a brain bleed, and was dead in 24 hours. Now MIL is faced with dealing with a rental property, trying to fend off an adult child who's flailing and wants a financial bailout, and innumerable other issues. She simply can't make decisions like she once did, and especially about things she has little knowledge about.

That said, you probably should sit down with your parents and armed with a book about planning for one's later years, explain to them that they need a plan. Offer to go over the book with them, or let them do it themselves with a set date you'll come back to revisit the subject and answer questions or assist in carrying out their plans.

Insist at the very least that they get a will, a trust if they own their own home, advance medical directives, and durable powers of attorney. They do not get to appoint multiple children to the powers of attorney -- ONE must be chosen, because it's a mess otherwise. Point out to them that all those documents are "just in case" paperwork that are not necessarily intended to be used now, but should have been done years ago. (You and your husband, too, should have these documents, especially with special needs children.) None of this requires knowing your parents' finances at this point in time, but it does get them to write down where the accounts are, what the account numbers are, and what their assets are.

Then, leave it alone.

After that, I advise you not to worry about things until someone gives you something to worry about. You have enough on your plate as it is, so ignore the culture warriors who may be quick to criticize but not to help.

Don't let the classic "it's part of our family's culture" BS guilt you. That's been an anchor around women's throats for decades (centuries?). It's a pretty constant theme among the threads here, almost always with women.

Do not start a pattern of "helping" them, or you'll be stuck doing it. Do not grocery shop for them, shuttle them around to their doctors appointments, manage their medications, clean their home, etc. You'll be doing more than enough of that with five children. If they become unable to do these things they'll need to go to a facility.

Under no circumstances let them move in with you. Put your foot down and keep it there. You are not responsible for your parent's care, your plate is more than full already. Independent Living and Assisted Living will be their future options once their daily tasks become more difficult. Let them know up front that moving in with your family is NOT an option, set boundaries for yourself, and do NOT back down, even once.

I get that all the time.
Then I explain that when I was a child, we grew up on a farm so my parents did not take care of me when I was a child, I pulled me own weight even back then.

As far as your siblings are concerned, it is a bit unfair to expect them to give up everything to come and help. Now, mind you they should help financially.

As for anyone saying it is B.S. that the woman take care of the parents may I remind them there are a fair share of us men doing all the care giving while the daughters contribute nothing.

If the other siblings are not willing to help out or cannot help out, then for your own mental health get them into assisted living. I have seen many of them that are quite nice and not expensive. As well, they can have a housekeeper come in and help with the housekeeping, a nurse come in and help them, and there are always government program to help them to stay in their home. The Salvation Army is always a good resource for help as well.

Here are my thoughts:
If you know your parents are going to have a difficult time with you telling them that you will NOT be their caregiver...why wait? Why postpone the inevitable? You’re not doing them any favors by shielding them from this. It would be a kindness to tell them ASAP before they get older and you get older and more stressed out constantly worried about this. It sounds like they have the presence of mind now to make plans. I wouldn’t want to wait for a health emergency to happen before discussing this.
People can get angry and disappointed when they’re told “No,” but so what? (I’m myself resemble that remark because I’m human); We aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings, responses, etc.
Im 60 and already concerned about what will happen to me when I’m older. I have 2 sons and I can’t see them taking care of me. I can’t possibly expect my DIL to take care of me. She has a mother of her own. I’m not her responsibility. I can’t do that to them. I’ve realized this from months of reading this blog. I get it.
It might be beneficial to see a counselor that can help you to sort through your feelings on this, validate your concerns & help speak your truth with them and be there for you afterward to help you through the fallout.
Make this conversation your top goal for 2021.
Good luck.

Seems like you're the only one worrying about it and may I add way too soon. 70's is not old.

My 96 yr old Dad lived alone til his 90's.

I'm sure your parents can continue living in their own home and when the time comes, they can hire help or hire a Live In and pay for it themselves.

You could always write them a letter explaining your feelings and letting them know in advance that you won't be available to care for them in your home.

They'll read the letter and will know your feelings.

I agree, do not buy into the family culture thing. You are wise to begin thinking about your parents now, which will lead to talking about the future, and then planning for the future. Your gender does NOT define your future role!! I would begin with talking with your brothers.

My mom now lives in the same city as my sister and I, in an assisted living facility. One of my brothers, out of state, does all of her financials. This was agreed upon by all of us, including our mom, before we moved her to live closer to my sister and I. We are all in our 50’s & 60’s, at various stages in our lives, dealing with adult children with autism and drug addiction and problems with the law, still raising teen aged children, a husband who travels a great deal, a husband with cancer, and our own health issues. To say “it takes a village”, is an understatement!

Another important point: when you begin these conversations with your brothers, and with your parents, please understand that this is a very long process, hence the need to begin now. You cannot expect one or two conversations, and viola, here’s the plan! The good thing about thinking of it in terms of a process is, everyone has more time to get on board, to the extent they are able. It took a lot of communication between the sibs and between each of us individually with our mom. It took years before we actually “convinced “ our mom to move. The move was a really big deal for all of us, especially for her. She was widowed in April. 2016, and we moved her September, 2019. In between, it was clear she had developed dementia and we finally got that diagnosis the beginning of 2020.

Start now! The sooner you begin this very long process and chip away at it, taking baby steps, getting your fears and concerns into the light of day, the better off ALL of you will be long term. Expect ups and downs throughout the process. It is not easy, yet it is doable, especially when you pull together. All the very best to you, your sibs, and your parents!!

When you were their child they were 2 adults taking care of 1 child. You are now 1 adult expected to take care of 2 parents? You also have many children and heavy responsibilities. It isn't the same at all. Besides, children are more fun than cranky old people who want things their way.
Tradition? Well it was different in the old days. Most people didn't live as long in a deteriorated state as they do now. Long term care for elderly is very expensive. What care for old parents consisted of was leaving them in a room and bringing them meals. Today it's transportation to endless medical appointments, keeping up with many medications and full time nursing activities. People lived in larger houses with many relatives. Things are much different today. You have your hands full and that will be for some time.
I would never want to live with my children. I planned for my future and manage my own finances. I am fast approaching 80. I have serious health issues which so far I am able to deal with myself. I hope that continues for some time but if not, I have funds to go into assisted living. Nobobody has to take care of me. I cannot understand why so many people have not planned for the last years of their lives. It is very expensive the last years of our lives. That is the way it is these days. I care about my grandchildren and would not rob their future (or even their present) to take care of an old wreck like me. That would be very selfish. I would not want to do that.

Personally, I am not going to go into the cultural aspect of your dilemma; it's been covered here. What I can do is give you my experience with my parents and how our family finally got around to discussing care.

I am the youngest of 3 daughters with parents who were in their late 70's & early 80s when all this came up 4 years ago. My parents had moved to Florida for 15 years and moved back because dad needed help taking care of mom, who was showing signs of dementia. They had gotten very bad legal advice in Florida and had no real plan, other than our names on some of their bank accounts.

Going from there, I was very concerned, but dad was pretty closed about long term plans. Luckily, my daughter is a Social Worker involved with discharge planning at a local hospital. She put me in touch with an Elder Law attorney, which is a free service here in NY, to discuss what types of plans needed to be made in order to care for aging parents. That meeting was my God send! Between my daughter and the lawyer, I gained the knowledge of exactly what to expect and what questions to ask. That is probably the most important step you can take for yourself and your family. Educate yourself first.

I made an appointment with my parents, telling them that future plans would be the topic. This made that topic not something to be brushed off. As others have said, I told them up front that I did not need to know their account balances or any financial details, but I just needed to get us all on the same page.

My parents were looking to me to help them most often, as I am the only non-working daughter. I was up front with them at that meeting about how much time I was going to have to help them, and in what ways I would be able to give that help. In another answer, I agree completely, setting your own parameters/boundaries is very important. I told my parents of my own end of life plans, based on what the attorney and I discussed, that my husband and I had made for our own family. I let them know my end of life wishes, no feeding tubes, no intebation, DNR/DNI; then asked them what their wishes would be. We had never discussed that!

One key point that made a difference to them was letting them know that, in an emergency, like after a hospital stay, getting into better rehabs or living facilities is very difficult. Having a plan, making contacts at facilities, getting POAs, MOLST forms (a form of Health Care Proxy with more legal punch), and Trusts put together are the keys to better care for them. With your family history, I would hope they know about Medicaid's 5-7 year look back window, making planning now essential. My father was not aware Medicaid could take a substation amount of their funds for my mothers care if it came to situations like your grandparents. Letting them know I didn't need to know their specifics, unless they were comfortable with that, also opened their trust in me.

It wasn't pleasant, it was difficult, but it started the ball rolling. Letting them in on what could happen if they didn't have clear plans in place, and people other than themselves having knowledge of those plans, flipped a switch in them. They went to the Elder Law attorney I had spoken with, they got POAs and MOLST forms done, they went and visited senior living facilities with multi levels of care. They let my sisters and I in on their health issues and their finances.

Having that one meeting, having the knowledge, knowing what to ask; opened up the conversation and lines of communication. Today, we are all on the same page and everyone knows what to expect.

This is a common and terrible situation that should never have been allowed to exist or start in the first place but now you have to. I do not care what culture or other "norms" there are where you are located. The mere fact that you will have five children should be the base where you start. You simply sit them down, state all of the facts involved - tell them medically and physically you simply cannot handle any more on your plate and you don't want your kids to have no mother. Maybe they had the money to do what they did but I assume you don't. No matter how disappointed or angry or how guilty they try to make you feel, simply state the boundaries and the facts - your minds are made up. Provisions must be made immediately for them to have full time caretaking services available that THEY PAY FOR or they must be placed. No matter what happens, do NOT give in. This impact will eventually destroy you and your family and you do not deserve that. This is YOUR time. Be prepared before hand with full information on caretakers and places where they could go, etc. But YOU cannot continue the tradition - it is just not right.

Sorry you have to deal with this, Momtomany.

It was your parents responsibility to plan for their own old age.

The only reason to have children is for the pure joy of raising a child to self-sustaining adulthood.

If a person has a child only to be their old-age insurance plan, then they are selfish.

You have your own problems to deal with.

Someone suggested writing a letter explaining your dilemma. That may wake them up enough to start planning for their own elder care.

Also, things are different, today than in the old days.

Now with modern medical care and assisted living facilities being the norm, people can live routinely into their hundreds.

Elder care can cost a fortune, if the parents are not eligible for medicaid.

In the old days a person would have a heart attack or a stroke and live maybe only a year longer. Thus it wasn't a huge financial burden to care for that elder.

In addition, tell your parents to talk to an elder-care attorney. The attorney can help your parents protect some assets, while finding ways to finance their own elder care.

Lastly, forget about an inheritance. Many parents threaten to leave daughter out of the will, if they refuse to be their anointed care giver.

If they mention cutting you out of the will, tell them that they SHOULD spend their money on themselves.

This is just about the ‘gaslighting’. If other people say you should be ‘paying back’, just respond with ‘do you think so?’. And repeat ‘I understand that’s what you think’.

Another approach is ‘They seem to have many friends of their own age who now have empty rooms. Do you know someone who could have them move in to share costs?’

Imho, you should not be expected to care for 70 year old parents as 70 is not old. In addition, YOU do not foot the financial bill if and when they require care.

I am sorry you have been put in this situation. Do you have POA for your parents? If not you really don’t have any legal obligation to provide care for your parents.

I suggest you plan ahead and look for AL and SNC options in your area so when the time comes, and it will, you will have a plan in place. You can do phone interviews with facility directors, get price info, do on-line tours, check reviews and ratings etc. When you have selected the best options perhaps you could review them with your parents and tell them what your plan is.

You will have to be firm with them, if you don’t want to do it now is the time to stand up and tell them. Your first loyalty is to your husband and children. Then, you can oversee your parents well-being. Making sure they are well cared for doesn’t mean taking them into your home or paying for them.

Now, figure out the financial implications if you do have to take over the care of your parents if you decide to move them into your home. Figure out costs you might incur including increases in utilities, groceries, etc. Include hourly fees you are entitled to as a caretaker, transportation costs if they are not driving, time spent etc. (Just taking Mom for a haircut took 2-3 hours!) I know that even with Mom in AL I was spending 16-20 hours a week dealing with her care.

I cannot conceive of how you could possibly be expected to care for your parents in addition to 5 young children alone. Unless all those relatives who think you should are willing to pitch in and help (get it in writing) DONT DO IT!

I was thinking about this again, particularly adopting a daughter late in life and then expecting her to act as a carer cum maid. I know the vetting procedure here before you can get approval to adopt. Telling the Social Worker that you wanted to bring up a daughter to wait on you in your old age, would mean that any chance of approval would immediately end. I can just imagine the Social Worker’s face if presented with that as a justification to adopt!

You're right, you don't wanna wait until something happens. In your story you seem smart. So be active. Ask again.