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My mom has been living with me for nearly four years as her dementia has gradually gotten worse. Last time we went for a drive to the eye doctor and dentist she was worse than I thought: argumentative in the car thinking we were going the wrong way and wanting to “chit chat” at 2 am in the hotel and then not wanting to get up in the morning. Its like pulling teeth even at home to get her to eat once a day. So for the last eight weeks I was going to call about getting her into a nursing home but kept stalling and lately just hiding in my room most of the day, having dinner with her and going to bed. Pretty much not wanting to deal with the situation or the constant questions that drive me nuts or constant asking what to do etc and I have been ambivalent, angry, frustrated and just plain depressed.
Last weekend we had supper Saturday night and Sunday I stayed in bed all day so by Monday night when I get up and go to see her (she sleeps on her sofa in the living room because its comfortable), she had fallen and I didnt know when. Ambulance took her to hospital and she had bruises down both arms and said her back hurt which I have always figured is her pinched nerve in her lower back. Doctor said she was dehydrated, her electrolytes were off, her kidneys were bad and she has a bad UTI and an open wound on her back and infection possibly in it. Even if I had checked on her sooner, I wouldnt have known about the UTI or wound on her back which sounds like a bedsore almost. So I feel bad. As much as I want her to pass before she gets much worse, I certainly didn't and dont want her to suffer. She's on antibiotics and fluids and potassium to get her electrolytes back up. Shes 89 now and looks so tiny in the hospital bed. The nurse talked about getting her into a home when shes better and some rehab for getting her back on her feet again. So my advice for others is dont hesitate to get your loved one into a home where skilled health care can look after them. (I was stalling because I worked in a nursing home back in the 1990s and pretty much learned the best thing is to be able to afford a private nurse to avoid problems with understaffing etc in nursing homes).

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What a distressing situation. Live-in caregiving can wear you down. I took care of my paralyzed father for several years and when you are 24/7 it can be so difficult and isolating. (And there was no dementia involved and I shared care with a wonderful sibling.) I know from experience that mistakes can happen. 😞

It sounds like you are beyond tired and burned out. This is the kind of scenario many of us here are leery of when family members want to try to be everything to their loved ones for years on end without real help and breaks. Caregiving needs to work for both parties and it sounds like the situation is no longer working. Without guilt I would move forward and find the help you both need, whether in your home or finding another setting for your mom.

All the best to you and keep us posted. 😊
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Please, don't blame yourself. Its called burnout and you were trying to deal with it in your way. We all are dehydrated when we go into a hospital. I don't think any of us are hydrated enough. You have no idea when she fell. I have Creatine in my bloodwork, precursor to kidney problems. Not dangerous levels yet but at 76 it probably will get worse. Water only helps 10%. Moms potassium levels were low too, she was 89. The wound, if at the base of her spine, there is no fat there and skin gets paper thin. It may have started as a little red spot and overnight became a sore. That could have been missed in a NH. You can't blame yourself for things that happen as we get old. Our bodies start going.

Time to place her so you can be a daughter and not a caregiver.
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I'm glad that your mom will now be going into a care facility when she leaves the hospital where she'll receive the 24/7 care she now requires, and where you can get back to just being her loving child and not her overwhelmed and burned out caregiver.
And DO NOT under any circumstances bring her back home when she's done with rehab but insist that she now must stay there.
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You worked in ONE nursing home and decided to paint all of them with the same broad brush from that one experience. I’m truly sorry you and mom both are going through this, but the lesson here is to find the best care you can when your burnout is overwhelming. You chose to avoid, stay in bed, and not act. No reason to wallow in guilt, it’s a useless emotion. Move forward now, doing what it takes to find a good situation for mom. Hospital social workers usually are knowledgeable on this. That’s how we found a good place for my mom and got great help with her admission process. I wish you and mom both healing and peace
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Dehydration and UTI's are really common in the elderly.
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