My mom has been living with me for nearly four years as her dementia has gradually gotten worse. Last time we went for a drive to the eye doctor and dentist she was worse than I thought: argumentative in the car thinking we were going the wrong way and wanting to “chit chat” at 2 am in the hotel and then not wanting to get up in the morning. Its like pulling teeth even at home to get her to eat once a day. So for the last eight weeks I was going to call about getting her into a nursing home but kept stalling and lately just hiding in my room most of the day, having dinner with her and going to bed. Pretty much not wanting to deal with the situation or the constant questions that drive me nuts or constant asking what to do etc and I have been ambivalent, angry, frustrated and just plain depressed.
Last weekend we had supper Saturday night and Sunday I stayed in bed all day so by Monday night when I get up and go to see her (she sleeps on her sofa in the living room because its comfortable), she had fallen and I didnt know when. Ambulance took her to hospital and she had bruises down both arms and said her back hurt which I have always figured is her pinched nerve in her lower back. Doctor said she was dehydrated, her electrolytes were off, her kidneys were bad and she has a bad UTI and an open wound on her back and infection possibly in it. Even if I had checked on her sooner, I wouldnt have known about the UTI or wound on her back which sounds like a bedsore almost. So I feel bad. As much as I want her to pass before she gets much worse, I certainly didn't and dont want her to suffer. She's on antibiotics and fluids and potassium to get her electrolytes back up. Shes 89 now and looks so tiny in the hospital bed. The nurse talked about getting her into a home when shes better and some rehab for getting her back on her feet again. So my advice for others is dont hesitate to get your loved one into a home where skilled health care can look after them. (I was stalling because I worked in a nursing home back in the 1990s and pretty much learned the best thing is to be able to afford a private nurse to avoid problems with understaffing etc in nursing homes).
And DO NOT under any circumstances bring her back home when she's done with rehab but insist that she now must stay there.
Time to place her so you can be a daughter and not a caregiver.
It sounds like you are beyond tired and burned out. This is the kind of scenario many of us here are leery of when family members want to try to be everything to their loved ones for years on end without real help and breaks. Caregiving needs to work for both parties and it sounds like the situation is no longer working. Without guilt I would move forward and find the help you both need, whether in your home or finding another setting for your mom.
All the best to you and keep us posted. 😊