Follow
Share

Retired hubby has mild cognitive decline. He has no initiative to get a part-time job or pal around with men his age. He waits for me to plan his day. He tries to help around the house, but usually gets everything wrong. I can't get ahead of him before he starts to mess up because he's always at the house. I've told him I still like running the home because I don't consider myself retired. I've tried to assign him certain jobs, but of course he'd rather interfere with what i'm doing. this has been going on for about three of the 8 years that he's been retired. I can't really rely on him for anything, even putting the right dog food in the right bucket is done wrong!

Find Care & Housing
His brain is broken, and he can't help it. Would you expect so much from someone with some other health issue? Shadowing, which is following someone around, is a symptom. He can no longer execute simple tasks, such as putting the dog food in the right place. That's loss of executive function, and it will never get better. Loss of interest in things that he used to find pleasurable, such as hanging out with his male friends, is common.

Please learn more about dementia by reading this site and consulting other informational channels. You will have to meet him on his level because he can no longer operate on yours. Also, report these symptoms to his doctor. If his doctor takes no heed, husband needs to see a geriatric specialist. There might be medicines that could help him. I'm very sorry that this is happening to you.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Fawnby
Report
desperada Jul 16, 2026
you're right. I think i'm in denial
(7)
Report
See 1 more reply
desperada, I had a spouse, who worked full time, and would say he wanted to help around the house. Just about every chore I gave him he would make a mess out of it, and it took me awhile to realize that he did it on purpose. So by messing things up, he knew I wouldn't ask him to do that chore again. Pretty smart on his account until he realized I had finally caught on to his plan.

I don't know if your husband is doing that since he comes from a time frame where it was quite common for guys to do that.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to freqflyer
Report
Slartibartfast Jul 17, 2026
It's called weaponized incompetence and that was the first thing I thought of too. However if he has dementia it's probably that. But yeah.
(1)
Report
It looks like his dementia has progressed
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MACinCT
Report

There won’t be any part time job or independent activities. He’s in a new place now. He’s shadowing you. He’s looking to you for signals on how to do things as he feels his capabilities slipping away. He’s likely frightened by what he’s experiencing. Sadly, you’re right, you can’t rely on him anymore. This is a huge life change for you both. I hope you’ll learn all you can about dementia. This site is a great resource and there are some good books as well. Know that he will need to get used to others helping him, you cannot do it all or you will burnout completely. Make time to go out on your own and have your own activities and interests. I wish you both peace
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

I’m sorry to hear this, I know it drove my mom around the bend when my dad was at that stage of dementia. She had screaming fits and I kept telling her that was not going to help, he couldn’t understand. He continued to feel the need to work around the yard and house and do chores but had lost all understanding of how to do so. He did all kinds of crazy, dangerous, and frustrating things. Sometimes he would get lost in harmless repetitive tasks like vacuuming one rug for 6 hours straight (though this drove her nuts also) or snipping twigs with the garden clippers into tiny fragments, or straightening pine straw on the ground.

Is adult day care an option? I toured one place where they said they had former professors and executives who felt like they were needed there and were doing a job. Whether this was arranging art supplies, cleaning and organizing the full play kitchen area, or helping to make and decorate real cookies. They even had a (non working) old car in there that the attendees could polish or explore inside. They would eat pizza and watch movie clips and then play movie trivia from the 50s- 70s. I thought the place seemed great. It was a nonstarter for my mom and dad, unfortunately. I really wish they had tried it as it would have given my mom a desperately needed break a few days per week. They would even do haircuts, nail clipping, and I think other things in the “barber shop/ hair salon” in the adult day care.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Suzy23
Report

Sadly your "hubby" is well past having just mid cognitive decline and is now in some form of full blown dementia. And he can no longer hold down any kind of job and probably feels very uncomfortable around his friends as he's well aware of his mental decline.
You are his safe place, whether you like it or not, and being in denial about where he is on his dementia journey will only hurt him.
So time to get your head out of the sand and start educating yourself more about this horrific disease of dementia. I always recommend reading the book The 36 Hour Day, as that will give you a much better perspective of what your husband is going through, and you too.
I would now look into having your husband go to your local Adult Daycare Center, as he can be there 5 days a week and up to 8 hours a day. They serve breakfast, lunch and an afternoon snack, and have all kinds of fun activities to keep the folks as busy as they want to be. And they will even pick him up and drop him back off if needed.
Of course there is a cost, but worth every penny. And if money is an issue they do offer some financial assistance, and if your husband is a vet the VA offers help with it too.
Your husband is still your "partner," just one with a broken brain, and yes everything will now be on you to make sure things are done as needed and as you want. That comes with the disease.
I wish you well as you continue to walk this very difficult road with your husband.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Desp

You might consider hiring a housekeeper. Someone to take over some of the chores and relieve some of your anxiety. Caregiving full time as you are doing now takes a lot of mental expenditure for you which can leave you depleted. In the beginning of cognitive decline, he may have only needed someone to keep an eye on him. But now, as it is advancing, he is requiring a bit more from you.

You mentioned that you told him that you have not retired. Not only have you not retired, you have taken on a second job. One that is 24/7.

And sadly you are right, he is no longer the man he was before. Recognize that you will have to plan for his care before you plan your activities. At some point he will be more inclined to sit and not try as he loses more and more of the parts of his brain that allowed him to help others. And take a look at what is “good enough”. Catch him doing something right today. You will both feel better.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to 97yroldmom
Report

Does he have long-time friends you could call and urge them to plan activities with your husband?
Strongly encourage your husband to find a hobby - one that he can do without you. And let him know that you do not want him following you around all day.
Even a part time job as you suggest, or a volunteer opportunity. Don't wait for him to take the initiative on this - search for an activity that would suit him and push him into it!
Give him chores, tasks, or fix-it projects around the house which don't have to be done "right". Just keep him busy and occupied. Expect that you will have to (or want to) "fix" everything he has done not to your liking.
It's kind of like having a toddler around. They want to be helpful, but they're not really good at it. It just creates more work for you.

Finally, Desperada - Get out of the house yourself! Find friends or activities, or a part-time job or volunteer activity for YOU. Or just go shopping, to lunch, and to a movie or for a walk in the park. Do something you enjoy to get away from your clingy husband for a while.

I feel for you. I kind of see this happening with my dad and his wife. He is 86, and she is 67, just 3 years older than me. I can see her starting to get annoyed, irritated with his "old man" behavior. He is like a child, relying on his wife to manage his social life, his meals, and to clean up all his messes, whether literally, or in business. He still works with her in their realty business, but she does most of the work and just delegates tasks to him. She gives him things he can't mess up too badly.
And, really, how big a deal is it if the dog food is in the wrong bucket? You could lower your stress if you lower your expectations and anxiety about things being "done right". Some things, you have to learn to let it go and accept it is ok. It will only become harder if he continues to lose cognitive function. There will be so many things you will learn to compromise on. Like bathing, incontinence issues, him hiding things in weird places, hiding soiled clothing in a corner, it can get downright crazy dealing with dementia.
If he reaches that point, you could look into placing him in a nice memory care facility where he will be safe, his needs will be met and he will have opportunities to socialize with others.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to CaringWifeAZ
Report

thanks for all the advice. I do happen to have the 36 hour day book. I will surely be reading that.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to desperada
Report

I'm very sorry, but your husband has slid beyond mild cognitive decline. He should not be driving any more, so please don't expect him to do anything that requires it.

I agree with the suggestion about senior day centers. (I prefer not to say adult daycare because that will sound demeaning if you slip and say it in front of him.)
This will also free you up to go out for social activities.

You could also set him up with his friends, since he isn't able to take the initiative. Contact them privately and explain his condition. You could invite them over, or ask them to take him out, if that is feasible. Order something on Doordash to make it easier on you. You could set him up with phone calls or facetime for friends who aren't local or who might have health issues of their own.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MG8522
Report
ElizabethAR37 9 hours ago
I like the nomenclature "senior day center". Much less demeaning.
(0)
Report
My MIL had an experience very similar to yours when FIL was alive. I think it's one of the hardest things about dementia. She once had a partner, a man to take care of her and depend on, and dementia reduced him to a dependent, almost-child. He was an ironworker who had loved to tinker in his garage, fixing things, and he as his dementia progressed he would take machines apart and not be able to put them back together again. After a while he began sundowning and escaping at night. Eventually she couldn't take him out anywhere because of his behaviors. She would get so frustrated and seemed to expect too much of him.

The things I think would help are: (1) more knowledge of dementia, what's going on in the brain, common behavior issues, etc. (2) support groups or other social outlets for the caregiver, (3) help with caregiving to give the person time to themselves away from their loved one. Maybe a day care situation. My MIL didn't do any of these, and to be honest, we didn't have any of this knowledge either and I'm sorry to say, didn't help out as much as we probably should have.

This forum is a good first step. I hope you can get some support to make this a little easier for yourself.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to iameli
Report

An opposing view: He retired to be with you, but you have rejected him. You want him to get a part time job, or go pal around with other men. When he helps around the house, you say he gets everything wrong, but I suspect doing something different from the way you had been doing it is not "getting everything wrong".

Of course he wants to be involved with you, and what you are doing. You, instead, object to him being "always at the house".
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to neveragain2
Report
lealonnie1 12 hours ago
I've noticed you always leave unhelpful comments to people in need here on the forum. Why is that? The OP is having a tough time with her partner who's now suffering from dementia and no longer acting like a team player, yet you're trying to make HER feel like she should be thankful for every precious moment of frustration he causes. You need to rethink your responses here neveragain. Opposing viewpoints aren't all you think they are.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
I have travelled this road with hubby for 7 years and the best piece of advice that helped me is to tell myself, "He can't, instead of, he won't". He has no idea what he is doing, although, he is trying his best to help me. It is very difficult to accept that this big, strong, independent man, has no idea who I am or where he is. This is a heartbreaking disease that requires nearly impossible levels of patience. I am praying for you, please know you are not alone.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to bhodimae
Report

Neveragain2. Has the right to put up his or her ideas or thoughts too. What some may think is unhelpful, may help others.

I think the comments they put could be the case or could not be the case. It just puts out another perspective for people to think about. Only that p
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tiger8
Report
lealonnie1 12 hours ago
Everyone "has the right" to post their views, even when they're not helpful, as you well know tiger. And everyone also has the right to call out the unhelpful comments. Have a nice day.
(1)
Report
Desperada, in many ways, you HAVE lost your partner. To dementia and the huge losses that come along with that condition for EVERYONE. We all suffer when a loved one goes down that path. It's the toughest thing you'll likely ever face. Watching your husband fade away, a little at a time. Becoming a she'll of who he once was. I watched my mother and my aunt go thru it, and now my cousin who's young and already in Memory Care Assisted Living with early onset Alzheimer's.

My words are for you, because everyone worries about the patient all the time. I worry about the caregivers. Hire in home help to relieve you so you can have some normal time out with friends, normal conversation and some well needed laughs. It restores the soul. Go have a spa day and refresh yourself. Get hubby involved in adult daycare where he can be kept busy and out of your hair, it's a win win situation. Adult daycare often will shower the seniors too. One less thing for you to worry about.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

Wooops, I hit the send button to soon.

I was saying: Only that particular family would know if that comment fits them or not.

Try to enjoy as much time together, while you still can.

Best of luck to you!
🙏❤️🍀
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tiger8
Report
lealonnie1 11 hours ago
Let me tell you how much I "enjoyed" the time I spent with my mother who was suffering from dementia. If she wasn't ranting and raving about her dead parents and siblings who were locked up in the closets and needing to be let out, she was saying very ugly things to me about my deceased father or other hurtful things that cut to the bone. Only folks with zero understanding or experience with dementia advise others to "enjoy as much time together while you still can". Dementia is truly as bad as it gets.
(7)
Report
Lealonnie1 you are so right. You have just as much right to complain about posts as the others have a right to say how they feel too. You also have a nice day! 😁

I do agree with you that everyone should care about the caregivers as well as the patients.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tiger8
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter