Retired hubby has mild cognitive decline. He has no initiative to get a part-time job or pal around with men his age. He waits for me to plan his day. He tries to help around the house, but usually gets everything wrong. I can't get ahead of him before he starts to mess up because he's always at the house. I've told him I still like running the home because I don't consider myself retired. I've tried to assign him certain jobs, but of course he'd rather interfere with what i'm doing. this has been going on for about three of the 8 years that he's been retired. I can't really rely on him for anything, even putting the right dog food in the right bucket is done wrong!
If he does not yet need direct, close supervision are there programs at the Senior Center that he can enroll in?
Are there Volunteer opportunities that he would enjoy? Local animal shelter may need help walking dogs (most will have a fenced in area) playing with the cats and kittens to get them and keep them socialized as well as playing with the dogs.
A caregiver you hire and at this point if he does not need help with many things it would be a Companion not an actual "caregiver". This person can help you with things as well and you can introduce this person as someone that you are getting to help YOU..not him.
I suggest that you STOP this routine immediately.
It only exhausts / depletes you and perhaps. frustrates him.
He needs a caregiver - to keep him busy and to watch him - and give YOU a much needed daily break.
Today, it may be dog food, tomorrow it could be something poisonous in the dog's bowl. You never know what he might do ... so he needs to be watched.
It sounds to me that his dementia is more than mild.
lf he is doing everything wrong, interferes, is 100% dependent on you, you need to make some changes - for his sake and yours.
You may not want to believe or accept that he needs more care than you can manage as this is a huge shift, in addition to feeling you no longer have a partner - which is heartbreaking to know / read. I hope that you will get into a support group and/or therapy, and find other outside interests / groups / friends to socialize. You still have a life (to live fully). Do not exhaust yourself to the point you cannot function / have a breakdown. It could / does happen. You are already emotionally drained and I imagine feeling a deep loss and sadness, if not grieving the loss the man you married - who is no longer 'there.'
Get some help in. Tell him it is a friend of yours 'visiting' for a while.
Never tell him it is a caregiver 'for him.'
Consider if placement is needed.
He will not want to make ANY changes. He wants you and what is familiar (you). He will resist 120%.
You need to consider what he really needs, as well as yourself.
It is not easy although you (and he) will adjust, with time.
Gena / Touch Matters
ead, puzzles, solitary? He might not get it right, but maybe it would keep him busy for a short time.
I do agree with you that everyone should care about the caregivers as well as the patients.
I was saying: Only that particular family would know if that comment fits them or not.
Try to enjoy as much time together, while you still can.
Best of luck to you!
🙏❤️🍀
My words are for you, because everyone worries about the patient all the time. I worry about the caregivers. Hire in home help to relieve you so you can have some normal time out with friends, normal conversation and some well needed laughs. It restores the soul. Go have a spa day and refresh yourself. Get hubby involved in adult daycare where he can be kept busy and out of your hair, it's a win win situation. Adult daycare often will shower the seniors too. One less thing for you to worry about.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
I think the comments they put could be the case or could not be the case. It just puts out another perspective for people to think about. Only that p
Of course he wants to be involved with you, and what you are doing. You, instead, object to him being "always at the house".
The things I think would help are: (1) more knowledge of dementia, what's going on in the brain, common behavior issues, etc. (2) support groups or other social outlets for the caregiver, (3) help with caregiving to give the person time to themselves away from their loved one. Maybe a day care situation. My MIL didn't do any of these, and to be honest, we didn't have any of this knowledge either and I'm sorry to say, didn't help out as much as we probably should have.
This forum is a good first step. I hope you can get some support to make this a little easier for yourself.
I agree with the suggestion about senior day centers. (I prefer not to say adult daycare because that will sound demeaning if you slip and say it in front of him.)
This will also free you up to go out for social activities.
You could also set him up with his friends, since he isn't able to take the initiative. Contact them privately and explain his condition. You could invite them over, or ask them to take him out, if that is feasible. Order something on Doordash to make it easier on you. You could set him up with phone calls or facetime for friends who aren't local or who might have health issues of their own.
Strongly encourage your husband to find a hobby - one that he can do without you. And let him know that you do not want him following you around all day.
Even a part time job as you suggest, or a volunteer opportunity. Don't wait for him to take the initiative on this - search for an activity that would suit him and push him into it!
Give him chores, tasks, or fix-it projects around the house which don't have to be done "right". Just keep him busy and occupied. Expect that you will have to (or want to) "fix" everything he has done not to your liking.
It's kind of like having a toddler around. They want to be helpful, but they're not really good at it. It just creates more work for you.
Finally, Desperada - Get out of the house yourself! Find friends or activities, or a part-time job or volunteer activity for YOU. Or just go shopping, to lunch, and to a movie or for a walk in the park. Do something you enjoy to get away from your clingy husband for a while.
I feel for you. I kind of see this happening with my dad and his wife. He is 86, and she is 67, just 3 years older than me. I can see her starting to get annoyed, irritated with his "old man" behavior. He is like a child, relying on his wife to manage his social life, his meals, and to clean up all his messes, whether literally, or in business. He still works with her in their realty business, but she does most of the work and just delegates tasks to him. She gives him things he can't mess up too badly.
And, really, how big a deal is it if the dog food is in the wrong bucket? You could lower your stress if you lower your expectations and anxiety about things being "done right". Some things, you have to learn to let it go and accept it is ok. It will only become harder if he continues to lose cognitive function. There will be so many things you will learn to compromise on. Like bathing, incontinence issues, him hiding things in weird places, hiding soiled clothing in a corner, it can get downright crazy dealing with dementia.
If he reaches that point, you could look into placing him in a nice memory care facility where he will be safe, his needs will be met and he will have opportunities to socialize with others.
You might consider hiring a housekeeper. Someone to take over some of the chores and relieve some of your anxiety. Caregiving full time as you are doing now takes a lot of mental expenditure for you which can leave you depleted. In the beginning of cognitive decline, he may have only needed someone to keep an eye on him. But now, as it is advancing, he is requiring a bit more from you.
You mentioned that you told him that you have not retired. Not only have you not retired, you have taken on a second job. One that is 24/7.
And sadly you are right, he is no longer the man he was before. Recognize that you will have to plan for his care before you plan your activities. At some point he will be more inclined to sit and not try as he loses more and more of the parts of his brain that allowed him to help others. And take a look at what is “good enough”. Catch him doing something right today. You will both feel better.
You are his safe place, whether you like it or not, and being in denial about where he is on his dementia journey will only hurt him.
So time to get your head out of the sand and start educating yourself more about this horrific disease of dementia. I always recommend reading the book The 36 Hour Day, as that will give you a much better perspective of what your husband is going through, and you too.
I would now look into having your husband go to your local Adult Daycare Center, as he can be there 5 days a week and up to 8 hours a day. They serve breakfast, lunch and an afternoon snack, and have all kinds of fun activities to keep the folks as busy as they want to be. And they will even pick him up and drop him back off if needed.
Of course there is a cost, but worth every penny. And if money is an issue they do offer some financial assistance, and if your husband is a vet the VA offers help with it too.
Your husband is still your "partner," just one with a broken brain, and yes everything will now be on you to make sure things are done as needed and as you want. That comes with the disease.
I wish you well as you continue to walk this very difficult road with your husband.
Is adult day care an option? I toured one place where they said they had former professors and executives who felt like they were needed there and were doing a job. Whether this was arranging art supplies, cleaning and organizing the full play kitchen area, or helping to make and decorate real cookies. They even had a (non working) old car in there that the attendees could polish or explore inside. They would eat pizza and watch movie clips and then play movie trivia from the 50s- 70s. I thought the place seemed great. It was a nonstarter for my mom and dad, unfortunately. I really wish they had tried it as it would have given my mom a desperately needed break a few days per week. They would even do haircuts, nail clipping, and I think other things in the “barber shop/ hair salon” in the adult day care.
I don't know if your husband is doing that since he comes from a time frame where it was quite common for guys to do that.
Please learn more about dementia by reading this site and consulting other informational channels. You will have to meet him on his level because he can no longer operate on yours. Also, report these symptoms to his doctor. If his doctor takes no heed, husband needs to see a geriatric specialist. There might be medicines that could help him. I'm very sorry that this is happening to you.