Best ways to communicate with out-of-town siblings who are a bit passive aggressive?
Anyone else feel like they are the lightening rod for blame in their family? I have just moved to the town where my Mom lives. Couple weeks after I got here, it was finally recognized that she has bedbugs (was also depressed, not washing or laundering well, isolating with little social contact at her choice). She had complained for 20 months of a "skin condition", which I believe was actually the repeated bites. Although her apartment was treated, when I went in as boots-on-the-ground for the refurbish and much needed cleaning so she could return from skilled nursing, live bed bugs were found. No further cleaning help was available for hire after that. Mom has gone back and forth on whether to return there, but my brothers absolutely thought cleaning it up, regular extermination, and my regular presence was a fine solution. I kept on going forward on that without much expectation of success, and all of sudden they went radio silent. Next thing I know, I'm accused of manipulating Mom into refusing to go back there. And wasting their valuable time and money by not carrying out unworkable plans. I did yell with outrage when I heard this at the most inopportune time, but also apologized later. Lucky for me, the brother with the POA now wants Mom moved to where he lives. Yea! I am bent out of shape now because, I kept everyone up to speed, and the POA has not spoken to me yet since the blow out. I have no details, and get 9+ calls a day from Mom - who cannot call POA bro from the nursing home because it's long distance.
Talked to her doctor about some antianxiety meds for her. And try only accepting one call a day from her.
It is free. You update it as often as you want -- weekly or 3 times a day or whatever. People can read it when it is convenient or skip it if they don't want that much detail. And, very importantly, everyone hears exactly the same thing.
My mother also can't use a straightforward pedometer, or open a box of sandwich bags with out ripping it so that it no longer functions as a container. She has _always_ been like this, so it is hard to determine what is dementia, and what is just the way she is.
Please note that in the sentence following my mention of her antipathy to cell phones, I just move on to a solution that she likes and has used. I accept that. I laughed and took pictures when I saw the way she put up a contact wall hook by tacking it to the the wall with the sticky like the strip was tape, and her "box" of baggies.
We just don't know what her cognitive or social issue was. She was so defended she would never allow anyone to help. Instead she threw up roadblocks to receiving supportive professional help, one after another. My aunt and I both remember when we got old enough to realize that she was different, there was something going on. As a child, all I could do was my best to cope.
Now she has dementia too. Double layer. No different than ever, which makes the dementia much easier to accept for me.
What I have learned, is that I have to take care of myself first. Otherwise I have nothing to offer her. So when I have reached my limit of supportiveness, I need to bow out, and send in others that care about her. Attempting to help her at that moment will backfire badly, my frustration will show and she will feel attacked. Then she'll attack out, and I'll be in a unproductive stew for days.
I will use this opportunity to learn how to respond rather than react.
It's just that we get lots of folks here who have parents with dementia, and the seem to think that their parents are trying to manipulate them. Sorry that my assumption was erroneous.
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