Best ways to communicate with out-of-town siblings who are a bit passive aggressive?

You say to mom (calmly) brother is arranging it all. Your job is not to worry. He'll call me with details when he has the plans worked out.

Talked to her doctor about some antianxiety meds for her. And try only accepting one call a day from her.

Call the nursing home and ask them if you can bring her a cell phoneto be able to call your brother long distance. Your mother does have a right to know what is going on. It is like a child left with a baby sitter want to extendedly and can't talk to family nor knows when they will be picked up. That can be scary. When my mother was in a nursinf facility they allowed my friend to take her a trac phone nothing fancy with minutes on it so she could call me from Colorado until I had finalized arrangemnts to go get her. It actually madethinfs alot better and gave her consolatio. She was scared becaused she did not know what was going to happen to her. Stay calm with her when you talk to her and give her positive hapy thoughts. Another thing you can do is call the nursing home and ask to speak to your mother's case manager. Ask if they have heard from your borther. What is the plan? Give them your phone number and ask him/her to keep you posted so you can see her before she leaves. Also a visut to her would help alot. With those facilities those who doesn't get visits gets mistreated. Alot goes on in those homes.

Remind your brothers that while Mom has a memory problem she does not have an intelligence issue. She deserves to be informed of the basic plan for her well being. She might not remember it so maybe you can write down a message on something that she can have at her side to read when her questions start to come. Not knowing the distance from Mom to brother by your information please remember that a move could make Mom more anxious as a result of change.

Never agree to be the care giver of a parent if another out of town sibling is the POA. They will never appreciate your work. Only the boots on the ground care giver should be the POA or a professional trusted advisor.

first, calm down! Nothing will be gained by your outbursts and the brother with the POA has all the power. All you will do is get yourself upset, and stop taking so many calls from your mother. Bed bugs are no "nuisance" problem, they can cause disease in the person bit. That's an excellent reason to move to another apt. Break the lease and get your mother into another place after she leaves the nursing home if your POA brother agrees. Stop fighting like children!

It sounds like you are a long overdue and much needed in-person help for your mom. Good for you for taking responsibility. It also sounds like she is definitely not doing as well as perhaps your siblings think she is. Either that or they may not really want the responsibility. Someone needs to take charge and be a physical, helpful and caring presence. A home caregiver agency can do this and can help you deal with all the environmental, physical and emotional issues that affect your mom's well being. I have been there and done that. Siblings may constantly be at odds but the main focus must be your mom. Her previous condition was not acceptable and with the right help you can improve it tremendously. POA does not sound like they are aware or concerned enough to have prevented the unacceptable situation your mom was in. Get legal help.

The best thing is to keep calm and try to put things into perspective. I am the local sibling and the POA. I find that the out of Town siblings have a limited view as to what is really going on with your parent. Try texting your POA brother and encourage him to be more open with your mother as to when her move is taking place. Your health and stress level will most likely improve when your mother has moved with your brother, as the responsibility will be the POA brother.

Thank you to all who have responded.
I am becoming increasingly aware that my issue is how long it takes me to get back to focus on my own life once I get involved in taking care of her. It is true that taking care of mom is not an old age thing, it's been a permanent thing - she has always needed my time, attention and assistance. It's a lifelong dynamic (from as early as I can remember - like age 5).
I do have to remain calm, and respond from as mature a place as I can. It's not an accident I spent a few years in Al-Anon because of this woman, who didn't even drink!
She refuses to try to learn how to use a cell phone. A calling card might work, I am trying to lump all the "things to do for mom" into smaller time periods, biweekly. Spending three days on her last week was way to much! By the four day, which I postponed according to my schedule, I was emotionally at full on resentment which leaked out, and did not serve anyone well.
Additionally woke up on Thursday with some itch areas, which may be bed bug bites. This has been a big fear! I earnestly tried not to bring any into my own home. I peeled off all my clothes in my entry stairwell, bagged them, and took a shower each time I entered her building. I then wiped down my stairway entry with alcohol, and have vacuumed repeatedly looking through the collected dust for any sign of bed bugs. Very discouraging.

Cathy2016, You sound very intelligent and mature. Forgive yourself for a meltdown, we have all done that. The caretaker is typically the lightning rod. Siblings that do the least are the biggest critics. They are silent because they don't want to hear about the problem or have to deal with the problem. I would love to hear more from you when your Mom lives near your brother. Much love to you.

If your mom has dementia, she CAN'T learn how to use a new cellphone. It's not a metter of WON'T.

This comment is not helpful at all, but just a big question mark in my head. Why, in this day and age of unlimited calling on ALL land line telephone plans, is long distance in a LTC facility still being utilized?

Anyway---when your mother calls you, let it go to your voice mail.

Not relevant for you any more, but for others who need to communicate with a number of people about their loved one, I found CaringBridge to be a very helpful resource. I used it myself to tell friends and family about my husband's journey with dementia. I have used it to read about the progress of a cousin and also a coworker.

It is free. You update it as often as you want -- weekly or 3 times a day or whatever. People can read it when it is convenient or skip it if they don't want that much detail. And, very importantly, everyone hears exactly the same thing.

LOL, Barb!
My mother also can't use a straightforward pedometer, or open a box of sandwich bags with out ripping it so that it no longer functions as a container. She has _always_ been like this, so it is hard to determine what is dementia, and what is just the way she is.

Please note that in the sentence following my mention of her antipathy to cell phones, I just move on to a solution that she likes and has used. I accept that. I laughed and took pictures when I saw the way she put up a contact wall hook by tacking it to the the wall with the sticky like the strip was tape, and her "box" of baggies.

We just don't know what her cognitive or social issue was. She was so defended she would never allow anyone to help. Instead she threw up roadblocks to receiving supportive professional help, one after another. My aunt and I both remember when we got old enough to realize that she was different, there was something going on. As a child, all I could do was my best to cope.

Now she has dementia too. Double layer. No different than ever, which makes the dementia much easier to accept for me.

What I have learned, is that I have to take care of myself first. Otherwise I have nothing to offer her. So when I have reached my limit of supportiveness, I need to bow out, and send in others that care about her. Attempting to help her at that moment will backfire badly, my frustration will show and she will feel attacked. Then she'll attack out, and I'll be in a unproductive stew for days.

I will use this opportunity to learn how to respond rather than react.

Oh Cathy, i get what you mean. There are folks eho are mechanically snd or spatially challenged, and it sounds as though your mom has had some issues that predate aging.

It's just that we get lots of folks here who have parents with dementia, and the seem to think that their parents are trying to manipulate them. Sorry that my assumption was erroneous.

Forgive yourself for a meltdown. Siblings who do nothing are the worst and the biggest critics as said. While it is hard you do still have to deal with them and work with them as if it was a professional way as if you had to deal with difficult office co-worker. Keep loving and caring for your mom. She has done nothing wrong and see your mom through this situation.

What about her calling longdistance collect??? He is the poa. So, if your nice you'll pack for your mother and be intouch with socialworker discharge to your brother's place. You are not POA. Tell mom call son collect. Have mom ask socialworker at nsg home when discharging to poa.
On another note. Prior dept health here.
Bedbugs unbelivrable but not found to transmit any communicable disease.
Good note. The small and undetectable till you feel like being pricked or stingingnettles. Wash clothes in old fashion 1/4 cup lysol. And box baking soda, and lavender essence in rinse(can be in soap) Soak and double wash. Spray lysol sol rverywhere inc disconect elec and behind electric switches let dry before turning back on. In colosets corners etc under side chairs etc bakingsoda everywhere wash walls with in water and lysol. They dont like this. I had to stay with him in place was infested.
Their bites are designed to make one feel if have flu and lethargic and stay in bed to feed on. As a spider traps future food stored in its web.
Spray your shoes better yet leave a pair for there only. You dont want anything from there. The will attract to electronics anything someone has recently touched.or a quiet one disturbed corner. Even get inside the walls. I spent early mornings 2 am sitting up with my computer the heat attracted them next to him to catch the queens stalking him after erradicated from his room. Diatamacious earth is a deterrant it cuts up their little feet I have watched them trying to navigate over it move it out of their way give up and leave or get stuck. There are homemade trap wells can make for them to fall in. Bedbugs are a pain and annoyance. She definately doesnt need to return and prob. Good idea when discharge go to DPOA. In some instances payee and HCS can not be same.
Nothing you can do until they move her so just have what counts ready to move.discard everything you can, you do not want to take them with you. There are some foggers actual one on mkt and must be used according to spray ratio like Raid bedbug and flea same ingredients. Does work. Oh plastic bagged some at a month rhey were still alive in a flat ziplock bag. Sprayed lysol in a baggie with baking soda they were dead dying within a week. I think the bakingsoda diatamecious earth reacts with the acetic nature of the blood built outter shell. Like putting bakingsoda on acid neutralizes. It penetrates tears down their outershell. This is over about 8 months of experimenting or torturing bed bugs whatever you want to call it.
They can be smelled sickly sweet muskly odor from queen.
Just take what necessary from place forget the rest. You not need be completely paranoid. But you can not see the microscopic hatchlings till feels like acid on you.Then still can not see thim till full of blood then justa pin point size speck till squished.
Luck to you but do not blame monm so much for state of place normal long term malace lethergy from bed bugs long term flu feeling. Wondering whom brought bugs in her place.
Since you are gathering her stuff ready to move good idea contacting soc service worker take mom with you to talk to them.since you not POA they have to answer her. Register as a ptvoice advocate and ADA advocate and even with dementia or brain injury she has right to have advocate. She can appoint you DCF authorized represenative just a paper she signs release to talk about her affairs to DCF gives medical release and allows ACHA advocacy. Actually doesnt have to be noterized but I always do have noterized. That way your not out of loop where counts her care and can be kept in loop as nearest relative locally contactable. Even if she has POA she has a right for her voice, avocation in her own matters. Since she calls so much someone is dialing for her so she is voicing enough they aren't ignoring or putting her off.
Also could try" jitterbug cell phone " "live operator". Or one of the regular battery type emergency cell phones looks lot like home phone.

I'm neither packing any bed bug exposed things, nor cleaning out a bed bug filled apartment. I have spent a week of days in it interimittentl. It is draining physically for one single person, as well as an emotionally depressing place that I did not ever like. Plus, it has major residual consequences as I then get worried I have brought bed bugs home no matter what precautions I took, and end up turning my own stuff inside out to clean it. They (the two Wichita brothers) have not entered it ONCE. I'm done, not going back into the building much less the apartment. They can find, hire, and deal with the contents which have to be handled carefully and should be burned to avoid possible spread of those bugs.

I have to say that the elder generally won't speak up when he or she needs help. Oftentimes, the family won't help, thus letting the caregiving fall on one person, usually the female. In this case, she was living in deplorable conditions, affecting her health. The skin is the largest organ in the body. I would call the town's social worker for starters. And why don't they speak up? Answer=because they don't want to lose their independence! My late mother would give me as I called it "the you wait and see story." Prime example=my daughter, who resides with her husband and son, and I are invited to a baby shower. The route to the venue involves traveling through a tunnel. I hadn't driven through it in years so I asked my daughter to pick me up. Other elders (I'm almost 70) might try to push through on their own risking possible accident/injury.

Cathy2016, you are amazing, Honey. Don't you give those bed bugs another thought. Get yourself a massage, mani and pedi and skip on out of there! When you melt down your body is screaming at you to relax and take care of yourself. Let those clueless brothers figure it out. Sending you lots of love and a major hug!!

Sorry .only mentention methods to rid of them. Just in case you found a hitchhiker or there was something you HAD to remove like paperwork heirlooms etc... Glad you do not have to go back. Take a spa day and forget about those creepy crawleys.Kudos to you. They make my hair stand on end if any around from their thermones and thinking about them. Eew.