I live a few hours from my Mom. I moved to the same state to be nearer to her as she no longer could travel after 86 on her own very healthy, to visit. My step-sisters, who I consider my sisters, have POA financial and medical, after she had a heart incident. She has done well but they have canceled two planned visits for me to see her, for reasons that were she didn't want visitors, then seeing posts on FB of her with mere strangers staying at her house. I've been in direct contact with her by phone for 6 months. Now, two weeks before I'm supposed to go after moving and waiting for this, they've emailed another change is needed for her. Can I go, I just talked to her 4 days ago. I know she has dementia but not severe, her walking is bad, that's okay. She has gotten more excited with each conversation just being with us. Can I still go if they say I can't?I need help to know how to do a good job best for my Mom and still see her. I don't think she has too much time left but she's healthy except for managed afib. Thank you.
They sound very fishy to me. From what you've said here, it seems like they're planning something nefarious. Like a Will change or placement in a LTC facility.
Are you aware of any reasons they might have to shut you out? Have they moved people into her house who shouldn't be there, or anything like that?
1) Is M living in her own house? Or the S’s house? Please give details.
2) Who put the “posts on FB of her with mere strangers staying at her house”? If it was S, who did they say the strangers were? Were they living or visiting?
3) What is the “change” that the S’s want, and why “is it needed for her”.
4) Are you willing to go, whatever the S’s say? Perhaps say that it’s too late to change the arrangements?
5) Could you ask anyone else local (friend? APS?) to visit, and tell you what is going on?
If you suspect the worst, you may need a lawyer to check out the finances and the POA details.
Chances are mom's very fickle and not telling you all that's going on. She may not recall what she told you before, and anyway, those with dementia confabulate. This means they don't tell the truth, but they can't help that, it's a symptom of their dementia. Do you ever talk with your sisters? If not, maybe you should. They may be protecting you from certain truths.
I hope you get to see mom, and I wish you the best,
Are you saving and documenting all the emails, texts and writing all info from phone calls? I would travel to your mother location, stay in a hotel without notifying your sister. I would then call them and say you are going to visit that day at 10am. If they are not willing for you to visit, then demand they set a time because you are would like to visit your mother. If they don't concede then call the police for a wellness visit. And contact the Dept of Aging with all the documentation you have that prevents you from visiting and state you are concerned for your mother well bieng and safety based on the support documentation you have.
IMO, you have tried to make concessions to visit and they are playing hard ball. Time for you to stop being accomodating and play at their level.
Your sister may expect you to bring it up if you see M. If you get there, I’d suggest you either bring a witness or put your phone on record for the whole time.
I am in agreement with most of the advice you've already received
1. I can stay at a hotel, already working on that from the start of receiving the email. Offered to do that the last two times. It was my Mom and with my sisters knowledge until now, to stay with my Mom.
2. I don't talk about the past, nor have I ever mention decades ago, or the recent past year with the cancelations. So whoever keeps asking if I'm willing, If I bend over any further I will have a broken back. I've accomadated all of my sisters requests before and will accommodate some now. Except driving for hours to spend a few minutes around my Mom then driving home because of their concern over her "safety". I am close to my Mom. I don't think Dementia is a barrier for her to feel my love and presence while I'm there. She's not severely demented by any means. There's no hardship held between us. Try to understand, I came here to ask this one question from others who have dealt with similar situations. Please realize it's perplexing to me, why this keeps happening. I have zero intentions to ever bring up the past hurts or even recent disagreements. It doesn't matter right now. I like to deal with facts. This is also why I reached out. I appreciate all of you and the time it took to read my answers you asked. I hope you know I took time to read all of your questions. Drama isn't healthy and I'm not going to risk seeing my Mom by starting it, whoever mentioned that. Knowing my Mom is going to die soon, yet I haven't been able to complete getting to her yet, to give her a hug or kiss, it's tough. I won't let my emotions or any of my own desires, get in the way of being as flexible, kind, appreciative, and adjustable as I can. It's all that matters and so does my original question. Thanks so much.