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I live a few hours from my Mom. I moved to the same state to be nearer to her as she no longer could travel after 86 on her own very healthy, to visit. My step-sisters, who I consider my sisters, have POA financial and medical, after she had a heart incident. She has done well but they have canceled two planned visits for me to see her, for reasons that were she didn't want visitors, then seeing posts on FB of her with mere strangers staying at her house. I've been in direct contact with her by phone for 6 months. Now, two weeks before I'm supposed to go after moving and waiting for this, they've emailed another change is needed for her. Can I go, I just talked to her 4 days ago. I know she has dementia but not severe, her walking is bad, that's okay. She has gotten more excited with each conversation just being with us. Can I still go if they say I can't?I need help to know how to do a good job best for my Mom and still see her. I don't think she has too much time left but she's healthy except for managed afib. Thank you.

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Take the good advice here and talk to an elder law attorney. These step-sisters are isolating your mother from seeing you. Next, they will stop allowing her to speak to you on the phone.

They sound very fishy to me. From what you've said here, it seems like they're planning something nefarious. Like a Will change or placement in a LTC facility.
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Jada824 May 28, 2026
That is exactly what my sibling did
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Are the stepsisters who have POA living with your mother? I suggest that when you talk with her, ask her to bring them into the room so you can talk to her and them at the same time. Then, in a pleasant, nonconfrontational way, conversationally, say something like Mom and I were just talking about my upcoming visit and are so looking forward to seeing each other. That way you can verify this, and discuss details, which will make it harder to block you out.

Are you aware of any reasons they might have to shut you out? Have they moved people into her house who shouldn't be there, or anything like that?
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This sounds quite odd. More detail could help us to understand it.

1) Is M living in her own house? Or the S’s house? Please give details.
2) Who put the “posts on FB of her with mere strangers staying at her house”? If it was S, who did they say the strangers were? Were they living or visiting?
3) What is the “change” that the S’s want, and why “is it needed for her”.
4) Are you willing to go, whatever the S’s say? Perhaps say that it’s too late to change the arrangements?
5) Could you ask anyone else local (friend? APS?) to visit, and tell you what is going on?

If you suspect the worst, you may need a lawyer to check out the finances and the POA details.
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If she's got dementia, doesn't walk well, and has afib, she isn't at all healthy. If you can go, go. But don't expect the siblings to let you in.

Chances are mom's very fickle and not telling you all that's going on. She may not recall what she told you before, and anyway, those with dementia confabulate. This means they don't tell the truth, but they can't help that, it's a symptom of their dementia. Do you ever talk with your sisters? If not, maybe you should. They may be protecting you from certain truths.

I hope you get to see mom, and I wish you the best,
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Beethoven13 May 26, 2026
Agree. If your mother lives in a care facility, suggest visiting her there, be pleasant and supportive of the sisters and make no suggestions of changes, just supportive of the people who are seeing her weekly. If she lives with them, they might not want or feel compelled to host your visit. Over burdened already. Consider what you could do to help the sisters and also visit mom. Could you take her to a doctor visit? Could your family mow and clean her yard while you visit? Bring a meal to the house and wash up the dishes? Take some junk your mom needs to get rid of off their hands. Clean and trim mom’s nails, take her to her podiatrist for toenails trimming. Do the grocery shopping for the week. Stay an overnight with mother and they are free for 24 hours? Dinner out is sometimes more work than help and frou frou clothes and gifts they have to store are not helpful. Help the caregivers and you help the patient. It’s not about you when someone else is doing the caregiving. Make yourself useful and you might get a warmer reception.
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From your post and other details, you are conceding to all their demands and still unable to visit. Only hearing one side is difficult to grasp the true nature of denying the visits but on the surface it does seem sketchy as heck. How many times and how long have you been trying to schedule a visit and been denied?

Are you saving and documenting all the emails, texts and writing all info from phone calls? I would travel to your mother location, stay in a hotel without notifying your sister. I would then call them and say you are going to visit that day at 10am. If they are not willing for you to visit, then demand they set a time because you are would like to visit your mother. If they don't concede then call the police for a wellness visit. And contact the Dept of Aging with all the documentation you have that prevents you from visiting and state you are concerned for your mother well bieng and safety based on the support documentation you have.

IMO, you have tried to make concessions to visit and they are playing hard ball. Time for you to stop being accomodating and play at their level.
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italialola3 May 29, 2026
Everything you've written is very solid advice. Yes, it is hard to know for you because it is my side. I'm glad to answer what you asked. I had my Mom and sisters come here 3 months after I moved to MO from FL, to be closer to my Mom. Her health was still good then. I had just seen her earlier that year when I brought her to FL and she stayed for a few weeks with me there, two years in a row. We used to talk daily. Then once I was back she had a heart issue and I had plans to see her, but I canceled that. It doesn't count. After that, twice they canceled my coming. That was 2024 August and 2025 Feb. So I rescheduled again. Now it's in June. Yes, I have all the emails and text messages. They were doing something different than before. They used call me, seperately, just sister stuff. But once this started with them being POA, I would get a call from my oldest sister and after a minutes, she'd say, "well I've conference Carol in, then Carol would say hi. Then I would hear from them why they didn't think I could come. Yes, funny say this, they told me not to call her, she gets upset. Let her call you. We don't want her heart stressed out. I didn't realize I was upset but I took a break and didn't call her for 2 months. I didn't harm her. She called me. She told me she treasured our relationship. Expressing her love. She also said things to me about her fear of dying, but also how she feels about what's happening to her. I listen. I'm very good at hearing her and empathizing. She will say, "Sometimes I think I'm crazy for thinking this" then continue on to something very profound that she has clarity about her own end of life. Thanks so much for responding.
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In my opinion isolating an elder from seeing her other children is a total red flag and I would speak to an elder attorney
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BurntCaregiver May 28, 2026
Agreed.
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I read between the lines about your ‘terrible family secret’. It sounds as though your mother and your sisters were complicit, and it took years before your sisters acknowledged ‘me too’.

Your sister may expect you to bring it up if you see M. If you get there, I’d suggest you either bring a witness or put your phone on record for the whole time.
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italialola3 May 29, 2026
I really appreciate your suggestions. I can assure you I won't bring it up. They may feel that way, but I've never done that in decades at any family gathering. Now so long has gone by. I always felt family get together's are never the time or place to sort out family issues. At this time in my life, I'm healed well enough I have no need, nor motivation to say a word. I have bigger fish to fry. :-) Like hugging my Mom and her knowing and feeling our love for her. I'm praying we have a harmonious environment to surround her. Yes, I could put my phone recorder on. I hadn't thought of that. We'll see. Thanks so much. Lola
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Sounds a little fishy to me. If it's strictly POA for medical and financial issues, I don't think that it's legal for them to refuse you, unless in the past you've done something to harm your mom and there is a restraining order in place.
I am in agreement with most of the advice you've already received
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italialola3 May 29, 2026
Thanks. To answer your question, no, I've never done anything to harm my Mom, never had a restraining order in place for her, from her, or anyone in my life. Whistle clean record.
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I feel I've explained as well as possible for now.
1. I can stay at a hotel, already working on that from the start of receiving the email. Offered to do that the last two times. It was my Mom and with my sisters knowledge until now, to stay with my Mom.
2. I don't talk about the past, nor have I ever mention decades ago, or the recent past year with the cancelations. So whoever keeps asking if I'm willing, If I bend over any further I will have a broken back. I've accomadated all of my sisters requests before and will accommodate some now. Except driving for hours to spend a few minutes around my Mom then driving home because of their concern over her "safety". I am close to my Mom. I don't think Dementia is a barrier for her to feel my love and presence while I'm there. She's not severely demented by any means. There's no hardship held between us. Try to understand, I came here to ask this one question from others who have dealt with similar situations. Please realize it's perplexing to me, why this keeps happening. I have zero intentions to ever bring up the past hurts or even recent disagreements. It doesn't matter right now. I like to deal with facts. This is also why I reached out. I appreciate all of you and the time it took to read my answers you asked. I hope you know I took time to read all of your questions. Drama isn't healthy and I'm not going to risk seeing my Mom by starting it, whoever mentioned that. Knowing my Mom is going to die soon, yet I haven't been able to complete getting to her yet, to give her a hug or kiss, it's tough. I won't let my emotions or any of my own desires, get in the way of being as flexible, kind, appreciative, and adjustable as I can. It's all that matters and so does my original question. Thanks so much.
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Beethoven13 May 27, 2026
Thanks for your reply and more information. If I understand correctly, your sisters are denying your mother has any dementia. If that is correct, Do your sisters have something to gain by denying her dementia? Like changing wills, POAs or other legal things you can’t do once a person is diagnosed with dementia. It seems odd that they would go to extremes to prevent you from visiting with mom when it seems you have been very accommodating. Have you tried just asking them point blank, “it seems like you don’t want me to visit her. Would you tell me why?” Thanks for sharing there is a big family secret of abuse. It could be a red herring or it could be related.
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I think all you can really do at this point is stay in the hotel. Get a separate room from your daughter, or a suite with separate rooms. Be very agreeable and courteous to make sure they they don't cancel on you again. And then see what is happening. It is puzzling. Let us know what you find out, and what happens.
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italialola3 May 27, 2026
Already working on the hotel. I'll respond later on and thanks.
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