Should we care for our elderly parents just because they cared for us?

We choose to or not to care for our parents. Some people are not cut out to be caregivers. Personally, I have been caring for people all my life, at the expense of myself. Would I do it again... yes. That is who I am. I have empathy and compassion and look at these traits as a gift given to me to use. The people put into our care are not put there by accident. There are lessons we all learn along the way. If we learn we can't be a caregiver, that is ok too. It doesn't make one a bad person. We have the responsibility to respect our parents.....some may not love them. We may look back on our burden and say... that was an awful time. But we also learn it is something we would not want to put our own children through and take measures now to prevent that. It is a learning process. So perhaps our parents have taught us their final lesson.

My mother was always too busy shopping and having a good time to bother with me so I grew up pretty much alone. Out of duty I cared for her for four years until she went into a NH in November 2012. With Parkinsons, dementia and stroke she can't sit up or stand.

When I visited yesterday she was unable to get words out, talking gibberish. I'd witnessed this before when she was having a stroke so I had the RN check her out. She said she was ok, likely had a mini stroke. Although she's had parkinsons for 15 years she's never had the shakes but now her legs shake a lot.

She's deteriorated terribly in the last little while and I think she'll pass very soon. I have no feelings for her at all and I'm not sure what I feel right now apart from sad that she's wasted her life being a mean, nasty, manipulative narcissist. She wouldn't even lift a finger to help her own parents as it was "too much trouble". Her wishes are that she's cremated and her ashes scattered. There would be no point in a funeral or service in any event as she has no friends.

When I began to care for her I lost everything - quit my career, sold my home and moved 200km. It's hard to have to rebuild your life but now I'm retired I plan on doing some volunteer work and getting out and about. I will not waste what time I may have left.

Watch over them, yes. Hands on care for them, no. Most family members lack the medical training to care for them. No single person can do what 3 shifts of nurses need to do. Know your limitations. Or die trying.

There is such a huge difference between family building and caregiving. Family building has high stress times, such as the terrible twos and the teen years. There is a lot of work, but a job done well has the reward of having children doing well in the world. There is time when the kids leave to put aside money for retiring.

Caregiving OTOH has no such reward beyond maybe a spiritual one of "job well done." It is done later in life, so there is no time to rebuild. The productive years of putting away money for retirement can be lost.

Personally I think responsibility passes down the line. Our parents raised us, we raise our kids. Anything going back the other direction is done from love and respect, and not obligation in the US.

I don't think we should care for them just because they cared for us. I actually helped my parents take care of my 5 siblings - we all were children they could not afford and then who they didn't have time for. In fact, as a result of my own childhood, I chose not to have children myself.

I did take care of my mother for over 2 years. And as others have said, I learned that I cannot do what 3 shifts of nurses do each day. And live my life, and work to make a living, and prepare for my own retirement. Since I do not have a child who will do all this for me.

My brother reminded me that our dad used to say we kids were his retirement plan. The sad thing was, he didn't help his kids get the skills and abilities to take care of him in his old age. I think it is very selfish for parents to have children so they will be loved and then expect those children to sacrifice their future for them. If parents don't want to sacrifice their own future - or even their present - for their children, they can choose not to have children.

No, it's not the same.

Ash, your post made me want to cry.

I know how you feel, only with my mom it was the opposite. Sometimes I wish she would have been out shopping and doing whatever else so she could have focused on something, anything, other than ME all the time. I've discussed my mom's personality before here, and talked about the times I detested and hated her. And I did. But...

.... When she declined to a certain point, I couldn't hate her anymore, Ashlynne. She had no power to hurt anyone anymore. I felt great compassion and pity for her, I felt so sorry for her when she got to the point and could no longer speak or do much of anything and was so helpless... I HURT fiercely seeing her that way. It felt like my whole body was on fire with the intensity of that pain. I wanted so badly to HELP her, but I couldn't. I knew that she was aware on some level how far she'd declined and I knew she was afraid.

I know you're a good soul, Ash, capable of great compassion or you wouldn't have done what you did for your mom for so long. I hope that now, if the end is near, that you'll try to show your mom some love. I hugged my mom more the last year of her life than in her whole life combined.

I didn't see her as much toward the very end, not because I didn't want to or was avoiding her, but because Sean and I showing up seemed to make her so much worse. The staff said she was perfectly calm when we weren't around, at least until the last month or so, then she was agitated almost all the time and she was on heavier meds.

Anyway, I guess I tried to stuff a lifetime of love I couldn't show her into the last year. I didn't want my mom to die knowing I hadn't done that...and I wanted to do that.

Even as I loathed my mom, even as she hurt and degraded me and brought out such an evil hate in me, I pitied her. I just felt so d*** sorry for that need in her to just rip me to bloody shreds. All I could think of was what a waste of time and for what?

Even as I loathed her, I wanted to...do something. I don't know what. I wished I could somehow do something to STOP that driving need in her to inflict pain, for her sake as well as mine, but I couldn't cure narcissism.

I don't know what my point is here. I would feel sorry for anyone that was old, frail, and alone...even if they had been a really nasty customer when they were young, like our mom's were. When someone like that is young and can fight and wants to hurt, I have no mercy on them and I'll give as good as I get. Well, verbally anyway. I never hit my mom back. But....when someone, anyone, is helpless and old and very close to death, I want to protect them and let them know they aren't alone and that's anyone. Even a freak like Dahmer deserved to have someone there when he died...I'm a study in contradictions. I know that none of this makes sense and I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

If not for her sake, Ash, for YOURS, try and...I don't know...I don't know what I mean... I know what it feels like, I know what I want to say, but not how to put it into words... Maybe I'm getting alz... lol No, that's not even funny.

No matter what you feel, don't let your elderly parent die alone. I know you wouldn't do that, Ash, you visit a lot. Sean my mom hours before her death, thank God. Even though I didn't, I at least have the comfort of knowing that she wasn't alone at the very end. Maybe that's my point in all of this, I don't know... I'm babbling... I just got up from a nice, long sleep. :)

I'm grateful that my mother is in a family owned and run nursing home. The staff are fantastic - some have been there over 30 years - it's small and they treat all the residents like family. There's a hospital just up the road as well.

When I visited yesterday she said she would pass very soon and tried to give me her rings which of course I refused, telling her when she passed I'd come get them and I'd eat all the chocolates I'd brought her which made her smile. In two weeks she's gone from ranting about buying another house and getting live in staff to being quiet and almost a shell which is sad.

I live on a gravel road out in the country about ten minutes away but I take my phone off the hook overnight. Pitch black out here in the middle of nowhere, ice and snow up to my ying yang and, with a hip replacement, I'm not turning out at night.

I cared for my mother for a little while b/c I felt indebted. Then I realized that the moment I was born she owed ME. At 79 she's still trying to pour on the guilt. It's not working. Dad used to say children are not supposed to be an investment against old age. I've prepared for that, and even if I hadn't I wouldn't expect my sons to take care of me. They have their own families and their own problems. ... Still, they check up on Daddy. ... For my birthday last Saturday, those rascals sent an exotic dancer to my office. I thought she was the auditor we've been expecting. Until she pulled out a boom box and started dancing to the Mary Jane Girls' "In My House."

Everything they do for me comes from their heart.

It is like comparing apples and oranges. Our parents are supposed to love and care for us above all when we are babies. If they don't it is most likely we would we taken away from them and placed in a safer environment.

If the love is there, a child will want to make sure a parent is taken care of. If a parent has been abusive or neglectful, how can a child even learn how to be giving and loving. Why does the parent seemed surprised when the child doesn't want to take care of the parent?

I personally feel a parent is responsible for nurturing and taking care of a child. They are responsible for making sacrifices, thinking of the child instead of themselves, loving the child, being emotionally supportive of the child, being the one person who would take a bullet for the child. If they don't do this, how can they expect the child to give them, in most cases, the last of their good years to make life better for the parent?

If we are taught to love the parent and the parent loved the child unconditionally, then we would do whatever needed to take care of the loving parent. Unfortunately, like in my family, selfishness ruled the day. And no, I will not personally take care of my mother and she has truly earned this.

Hi Eddie, happy birthday!

Yes i think we should care for our elderly when they are no longer capable of looking after themselves BUT not alone siblings should help out financially,emotionally or any way they can.
I admire SA and Ash my mum was a good mum but unhappy and bitter. I really dont know and cant say if id look after her if she was a terrible mother? My dad left us quite young and had to make a choice his kids or his girlfriend (b****) i hated him most of my life until he got older and more fragile and things came out that in the end i felt so sorry for him. He wanted so much to be a father to us but this bitch wouldnt let him and the reason i felt sorry for him was how sad to end up "beholden" to her it was her house in her name i suppose if he didnt do as she said she couldve kicked him out and where would he go? hed no money. The last years of his life killed him the guilt of the choice he had to make her or us? what kinda of a woman stops a man being a father?
A few years ago if he had noone and was ill in need of care and someone had asked me "would you have cared for him?" the answer would have been no way let him "rot". Then a few years ago things came out that he didnt neglect us but did what she told him to do and paid for his choice by dying way before his time yes he was 81 but a very healthy man all he wanted the last few years was his chidren to forgive him and most of us did thankgod, my brother never did.
The point im trying to make is that we have to forgive not just for them but for us my dad wasnt the best dad but i loved him there were good times when we were younger and i know he loved us so much it killed him in the end.
Hes dead 3mths now and i miss him so much i had 2yrs with him after not speaking to him for a very long time but i had those times to forigive him and get answers to alot of questions that im now glad i know.
Like SA says forgive her and love her and you will move on from this a happier and better person ask me now would i have looked after him if he needed me YES!
Hugs as its not easy to love someone who wasnt there for you but do it for you! xx

Let's not romanticize babies either, though. Some of them are not much joy, screaming all night, keeping the parents awake. We romanticize puppies, kitties and babies, but they can be an entirely different set of problems. Older people aren't just problems, but they're not that cute and I think that has a negative effect on our willingness to put up with their defects.

Well I guess I just loved my three babies more than anything but that is just me. Funny I think my 6 month old grad daughter is pretty awesome too, but that is just me too..........yep

Puppies and kittens get potty trained quickly and provide us with unconditional love forever. Frankly I prefer critturs to most humans, but then maybe I'm weird lol I have 2 dogs and 4 cats (one of each inherited when my mother went into a nursing home) and with what I've been through, without them I'd likely be in the looney bin by now.

From a small child my mother was always on about what a disgusting, horrible, painful thing childbirth was so I determined never to have kids. She drove away any boyfriend I ever had "He just wants MY MONEY" and made me feel so worthless. Though I have friends, it's just me and my critturs on 2 acres out in the country. It's only recently I've realized what a mean, evil, manipulative narcissist she's been all her life but I've finally found peace.

Love my kitties too, but that is just me too!

i had a chance to buy a fix upper house on 1 acre once for 4 k, total. asked my dad if hed like to help hook younger sis up with it. she was raising 3 kids alone at the time and had it pretty rough. dad pounded himself on the chect with his thumb and told me he takes care of himself and himself alone and nobody ever helped him in his life. i told him your a lying sack of f**k and your FIL made down payments on both the houses youve owned. he lied and disagreed, mother rebuked his lie. im saying if your parents ever helped you when you were struggling there isnt enough repayment now that theyre near helpless.

When you feel you are nothing more than an adult child of convenience for your aging parents then screw caregiving. Let them pay for the priveledge of caring for their needs! I am their daughter, not their servant.

The values in my family were all around helping each other. No doubt we had our set of dysfunctionalities, but we all helped each other. My parents, my sister, my uncle, my grandma. My parents worked blue collar jobs to give us private educations, they never vacationed until they became empty nesters. They achieved the American dream of providing a better life for their kids than they had. So yes, out of gratitude, I do feel obliged to be there for them. Maybe I was lucky.

I think the folks who have an emotional or financial gap, may not feel the "grattitude" or obligation. I understand that. As you reap, so shall you sow. Selfish parents beget "non"grateful children.

I know people who have had kids (or married) in order to have someone take care of them......that is a relationship doomed for resentment.

I am not sure I "owe" my parents emotional or financial support, but I a pretty sure nobody else does.

I don't think any child should feel obligated to care for aging parents ever ! It doesn't mean you don't love them any less because you choose to not provide elder care for them. Every person is unique and every situation is unique what is "right" for one person doesn't mean that it is "right for You" We have to know our limitation and what we can and can't do.

For me I know my parents would NEVER want me to go down that road and be a caregiver for them if they were declining in health etc. Just because they took care of us when were babies and children doesn't obligate anyone to provide care when they are old. For me a child's job or obligation to their parents is to be the best person they can be and to make their parents proud of the person they have raised and we have become. Choosing Nursing home care or other care other than doing it ourselves just isn't part of that equation. If we choose that path then that is great but if we choose another no one should feel guilty or like their choice isn't the best and great choice for them either.

I read on this board all the time things like its causing marital issues or issues between siblings etc and I know my parents wouldn't want care that would cause issues like that in the family.

yea, you need to understand how helpless the elder will become debra. the last year of my mothers life something as simple as a smile from me would result in a heartfelt thank you from her.
im glad ismiami mentioned emotional support because that is sometimes the bulk of the carer task. caregiving seems to panic you debra, it doesnt have to.
im personally having a blast with my aunt.
oh yea, she took me in 15 years ago when my marriage blew up and i was phsycotic on hepc chemo. she nursed me back to health with the greatest of love and patience. i owe her big.

edna does not remember the deaths of her parents years ago and years apart. its a lapse in her memory. i told her that both parents died under ednas caregiving to which she replied ; OH yea !! she lost the memory but she knew she was likely the caregiver for them both. indeed she was. grandpa "whisk broom nostrils" with brain cancer , naked, trying to whoop everyone in ednas 450 sq ft house. edna saw her husband thru lymph cancer till he fell and died from a broken neck in her home and arms. there are givers in this world and they are livin large, you just have to look close to see it..

im not dissing on people who turn to professionals for elder care. ive been divorced for a long time and had time for these women. my work is quite flexible. just trying to provide a couple of upsides to elder caring. them b**ches watch ( ed ) out for me too. lol
i refer to ismiami again ; family can beat each other to a pulp in " normal " times, but the idea remains ; were family , i helped you, give me a hand pr**k !!..
family = trade pact..

Captain, I do panic when it comes to caregiving of my mother. I do not have a warm and fuzzy relationship with her. How could I? She told my husband that my childhood molestation never happened. I have had to endure a sociopathic stepfather who had no problems causing problems in my home during holidays and family gatherings while my mother said nothing or did nothing. I was the only one of the all the siblings and stepsiblings that was forced to entertain this pig to make my mother happy because she was too afraid to drive herself the distance to my home. The one time I refused, my mother started whining and crying asking me why I was making her the victim. As a little girl, my mother gave into my little sister at my expense just to shut her up. My mother favors my older sister and always remembers her birthday. I am lucky if I get a verbal happy birthday. My mother was emotionally distant to me during my childhood because she was too busy having an affair with a married man while married to my father. She ended up marrying that man after having the 14 year affair-the sociopath stepfather. My mother wants to come live with me and take care of her when she can no longer live independently so she can preserve the inheritence for me and my siblings. I do all the work while the others sit back and wait. She mentioned modifications to my home to suit her needs. These renovations would lower the evaluation on my home. I have been in and out of therapy throughout my life with suicidal tendancies. I pulled myself from the dark hole of despair to where I am today. A wife, mother, grandmother and soon to be great grandmother. The stepfather is dead, yippee! I have a life rich and rewarding. I achieved two major goals in my life: 24 year military retirement and a home free and clear of a mortgage. Why would I even consider everything I worked for to give it up to a mother who never cared for me as a daughter and looks to me for the most easiest and convenient to care for her? This is why I am so bitter about being a future possible caregiver for my mother.

Debralee, I have idealistic ideas of what family should be. The reality is not all families are ideal and even the best ones have lots of faults. If you have been abused, had suicidal thoughts and are bitter at the thought of caregiving for your mom, perhaps it is not a mission you should undertake. You need to withdraw from this role, or only accept it as a minimal engagement.

Remember, the parents that provided love, support, and whatever they could academically do deserve payback, the ones who failed their parental duties do as well. I would not judge it, but I respect your right to judge your situation.

Thanks and respect for your military career!

Allow yourself to move on.
L

I think the problem is that we would like for it to be family = trade pact, but when the parent broke the pact first but still expects the adult children to honor it when no reparations or acknowledgments have ever been made - it rankles something fierce.

Ismiami your statement "who failed their parental duties deserve" makes me want to scream. Why would you give up your life to care for someone who spent their lifetime destroying yours?

I am most certainly not taking care of my mother because of gratitude for her care for me. To pinch from Peg Bracken (again), I take care of my mother not because of her parenting, but in spite of it.

I also ponder, from time to time, her attitude to her mother. What care did she take of my Granny? None At All, is the answer; but it is also the case that that was entirely justified. My grandmother scared the living daylights out of my mother and destroyed her sense of self worth. I loved and respected my grandmother, but I can still see that she was a lousy mother. Hard as nails. Cold as ice. Immensely gifted, but critical and judgemental, and an impossible role model. My poor mum never had a chance.

But I am not my mother or - oh holy God I hope not! - anything like my grandmother. I am me. And I choose to care for my mother, to show her love and comfort her old age, to the best of my ability. Which by the way is probably not that great, but it's the only offer on the table.

What you decide to do is entirely up to you. You may feel under obligation. You may feel the opposite. But in the end, you are in charge of your decisions, they are not governed by the past or by other people. Do what you think is right.

Personally, I'm not sure abusers 'deserve' anything, but my own conscience dictated that I not leave my mom to die alone. Nobody here, no matter how nasty the parent, is doing that.

And yeah, this whole thing is totally personal. People have to follow their gut in this. If someone chooses not to care for an abuser themselves, who could blame them? That's what NH's are for.

Let me clarify that first statement... Like I said, I believe even someone like Dahmer deserved to at least have a preacher there to talk to him at the end...

At the same time, not every parent that was nasty deserves for their KIDS to care for them...but I do believe that every human being, when they're very old and frail and helpless does deserve to have someone, not necessarily their children, there for them in the end so they don't die all alone...even if that's exactly what they DO deserve...

Hope that makes some kind of sense...

Oh, and Jeffrey Dahmer got his a** beat to death by an inmate, a brother to one of his victims. And I cheered. Dahmer wasn't old at the time and could fight back. He lost. I was happy. lol But had he been say 80 with alz on his deathbed, then yeah, even that animal deserved a priest to be there.