Should we care for our elderly parents just because they cared for us?
The whole argument about how our parents changed our diapers and cared for us when we were babies is a bunch of bull. When our parents were young (younger than most of us here) they wanted to start a family. They were in love and wanted a child to love and to create a family. Once mom got pregnant it was a joyous occasion and mom and dad looked forward to those 9 months with great anticipation and joy. And then this little itty bitty person was born, completely dependent, and was fed and hugged and loved for many, many years. Mom and dad worked very hard to help shape that little person into someone who was good and kind and respectful and polite and moral, learning many lessons along the way. Eventually that little person grew up, went to college, moved out and started a life of their own and this too was a momentous occasion. Mom and dad had done their job well and were very proud of the family they created, raised, and watched as their child continued down it's own path.
This is NOT the same thing as bringing mom or dad into our homes so we can care for them because they cared for us when we were little. We didn't come to them with fully formed personalities, we didn't come to them out of the womb with personality defects and dementia. As babies we didn't argue with them when they tried to change our diapers, we didn't curse them either. We didn't accuse them of stealing from us and as babies we didn't leave the house to wander down the street in freezing cold weather with only our p.j.'s on.
It is NOT the same thing.
I said, " .. depending on the government has led us here, to this untenable and unforgivable state."
And, by that, I mean: as a society/as a whole, we've come to rely on government to provide FOR us. I'm not a proponent of dispensing with government aid programs, I'm a proponent of people taking responsibility for themselves.
Hope that helps clear up my perspective.
I wish my parents would spend the money they saved for all those rainy days on themselves.... buy the best life has to offer.... don't save it for me to inherit, as I have already saved for myself. I live below my means, as the Joneses are too far into debt :0
In fact, I told my Dad that he and Mom might outlive me, so for them to enjoy their estate, plan ahead.... Dad looked at me like my hair was on fire.... [sigh]
I once worked with a woman whose parents were well off. While growing up, she wanted for nothing. She told me one day she hoped when her parents retire that they don't travel to expensive places around the world, because they'd be spending her inheritance. I told her maybe they might become sick and will need that money for their own care. She said she hopes they die before that time comes. She expected a nice inheritance and told me she is not willing to care for them in their old age.
The sad part is, she is not a tiny minority. There are far too many selfish people like her in this world. I have heard of people who will not put their parent(s) in a nursing home, not because they or the parent haven't the money, but they refuse to spend the money. The parent lives in an unhappy environment because their selfish children will not put them where they will be cared for and treat the parent with resentment at home.
If you had any faith at all you should know to honor thy mother and father.
i'm just saying...
We all know what our limitation are, and we all want the best care for our parent/spouse, even if it means placing them into a place where they can get that professional care. Caregiving is highly stressful, and 1 out 3 Caregivers die leaving behind their parent/spouse. I think our parent/spouse rather see us couple times a week then never again.
PStern... Be more specific with your comments
In my humble opinion, I believe some of the cancers are from us Americans eating so much red meat... and with red meat containing growth hormones and antibiotics to make the livestock grow faster so that the ranchers can get them to market quicker, some of that has to get into our system. And look around us, today's 5 year old child looks 7 or 8.... today's 15 year old looks 18.
Non-the-less, after goggling this substance it's still questionable... We have so many toxins in and around us every day that it's difficult to rid of (or try to control). (thank you for your comment Pam)
Hard to break traditional family habits.
MIL has a delightful outlook on life, she could always make you smile and laugh, found humor in everything. Even though her son and I parted ways 20 years ago after 20 years of marriage, MIL was and is still a part of my life :)
I must have missed it - when was that?
LadeeC: what could you possibly mean by the government has led us to this untenable and unforgivable state." Unless you live in one of the "unforgivable" regressive, right-to-work states of the American south, I haven't a clue as to what you're referring. I especially don't see our country in an untenable position. We just need to get back to the time when values mattered more than corporate profits and politicians didn't always work for the truly wealthy and the corporate managers. Still I do wish you'd take the time to enlighten me as to what you meant. Because I could sit around all night and think about what I know should be done to help out the majority of people in this country. I need to know where you're coming from. Because indeed your Soylent Green (a truly awful movie!) vision is a total non-starter in my book. Though, if you want to be able to take your life easily and at any point in time I suggest you consider relocating to the Netherlands where the government will provide you with your very own cyanide pill to have at the ready...Frankly I'm a little sensitive tonight to the "d" subject: I lost a long-time beloved friend this past weekend after he lost his long battle with colon cancer. If one were to ask him he probably wouldn't have minded looking into a future and seeing himself as a dashing 88 year old fellow with a choice of daily activities....He had been in excellent health his entire life, ate well though he loved the occasional huge Porterhouse along with a tasty, well-aged California Cab. I felt he ran too many miles each week but there wasn't an ounce of fat on him, and little reason on this good earth of ours to come down with cancer of the colon. He worked setting up trusts so people would not have to worry about money during their advanced years, and he did it with the same firm for over 35 years.
I have to say that I concur much more with the kind-hearted "freqflyer" above when she says she'd like to see our government invest in research (instead of giving tax breaks to the wealthy) into memory loss, and I'd include cancer research because I read how much the government has invested in cancer research over the last few decades and while I cannot recall the amount (see there goes my memory!) I was shocked at the low total amount; that she would also like to see tax money invested in the long-term care of our elderly who cannot afford such care makes her in my book a special kind of person -- the kind I don't want to see get lost on the way to her polling place on Election Day.
At 61, with no children, this is something I'm squarely having to answer for myself. I won't be a wimp or a whiner. I know and accept that what I've done with my life is my responsibility and my future is mine to control. NO one else's.
For me, this is the crucial aspect. All of us .. every single, bloody one of us, has to become accountable. For the present, based on the past, and into the future. It's not the government's responsibility .. great leaping turds .. depending on the government has led us here, to this untenable and unforgivable state.
I remember the conversations I had as late teen, early twenty-something: by the time we reached the age of being eligible for social security, it would be defunct. We were urged to take matters into our own hands. We weren't entirely wrong. The 2013 financial statements for the SSA states that, at the present rate of asset growth, compared with the projected schedule of payments, by 2033 (that's less than 20 years away), funding for programs will be depleted.
"Social Security’s financing is not projected to be sustainable over the long term with the tax rates and benefit levels scheduled in current law. Program cost will exceed noninterest income in all years of the 75 - year projection period. In 2033, the combined OASI and DI Trust Fund asset reserves will be depleted according to the projections by Social Security’s Trustees. Under current law, when either the OASI or DI Trust Fund depletes, full scheduled benefits cannot be paid on a timely basis. Tax revenues are projected to be sufficient to support expenditures at a level of 77 percent of scheduled benefits after the combined OASI and DI Trust Fund depletion in 2033, declining to 72 percent of scheduled benefits in 2087." **
I foresee a future where there will be government sponsored 'elective suicide' houses, where, for the price of turning over all future benefits to social security, we can opt out, like in Soylent Green. I, for one, would actually TAKE that option. I do *not* want to live to be 90 yo, relying on someone to clean my bum and choose my activities for the day. I'd much rather lie on a table with my favorite surround filling my senses, as I ease out. Thank you, very much.
** Look for the "Highlights of Financial Position" pdf document at http://www.socialsecurity.gov/finance/
But I wonder if us early baby boomers will live as long as our parents. I really don't believe we will. Our parents [who are in their late 80's and in their 90's] grew up eating organic food.... thus their bodies had a good platform to start out on. We, on the other hand, grew up with preservatives in our food, hormones in the meat, mercury in our fish, yada, yada, yada.... thus our bodies don't have a good base line.
There are times when I think my parents will outlive me. I've had cancer already, which took me totally by surprised as I was doing everything right, but wham it still got me. My significant other also was doing everything right health wise, is now in Stage 3 kidney disease. We look at each other and wonder what the h*ll did we do wrong??? Must be something in our water or food. OMG, I am starting to sound like a tree hugger.... this cancer really ticked me off.
I know many people are not able or want to care for an elderly ill parent. If I had to work for a living, I would have to put both my brother and mother in nursing homes. I was always taught that family comes first. That doesn't mean you have to be with them 24/7. It means making sure their needs are met and they're safe. That could mean placing them in a nursing home or assisted living. Caregiving doesn't mean a 24/7 hands on activity.
But, as a society we need to come up with some answers. We need to pressure government and science to find a successful treatment, if not a cure, to these diseases that rob a person of his/her abilities. It not only is a pressure on families, but healthcare, corporations that lose employees who feel the need to quit because of a family member and government, because government loses tax revenue and incur increased costs.
Old age has a domino effect. I doesn't just affect the person and his/her caregiver(s). Society, as a whole is affected.
I, for one, never knew anything about caregiving because my parents never had to care for their parents, nor did I personally have a friend who was a caregiver. This was a YIKES moment for me.
My parents have saved for many rainy days, I just wished they would view this as a very long rainy moment and realize that being in their own 3-story home in their mid-90's isn't the wisest choice for them. They could afford their pick of really great retirement communities. Geeze, open up that wallet once in awhile to make your life better.
I know this is a learning experience for me on what NOT to do... I am saving like crazy, well I started saving back when I was 5 years old and have my very own savings account at a bank. If it comes a day where I no longer drive or I find my house too overwhelming, I will pack and find a nice retirement community to spend the rest of my days. I just hope my significant other is on the same track, he has saved big time for those rainy days.
But has his grown children been saving? Nope. Both of them are in debt, and Dad has been their personal ATM machine, until recently when my S/O finally woke up to what they were doing. I am sure these two grown children are not alone, lot of others in their age group [late 30's early 40's] haven't saved, either. So that means their children will be Caregivers. Hard to picture a 7 year old and a 9 year old being Caregivers in the future.
Most of us have been raised in a society that does NOT encourage elder care by children. We have social security and/or retirement and medicare (or its equivalent), supposedly designed to provide for post retirement needs that lulls us into a false sense of security. Children are encouraged to flee the nest at the earliest possible moment to take control of their own lives. I think very few families are truly developed into a nurturing cycle of care. And, the unfortunate truth is, no one really anticipated the burgeoning of elders and their care. We're having to hash it out now.
Modern living is designed to extend lives, and is .. economically and emotionally .. far beyond our capacity to handle. IF an adult is smart or aware enough to consider their end of days .. which are turning into several decades, rather than one or two .. they've made arrangements for assisted living/at home care or nursing facilities when and if they need it. But, I'm willing to bet the number of 80+ year olds who arranged for it is tiny, compared to the number that need elder care.
I dare y'all to ask a gaggle of teenagers or twenty-somethings what they think of old age. I'd be willing to bet and eat my hat if I'm wrong, that most will roll their eyes and, at best, shrug their shoulders and worry about it 'when I get there.' We do NOT have an old age consciousness. Most young people I've encountered don't even know the concept of respecting their elders. The under-30 crowd has been raised in a do-me-now society of get rich quick, text and blog your way to success .. mostly without having to 'pay their dues' .. and have a very limited concept of a non-dysfunctional family dynamic. (If you doubt that, think about the rise of teenage suicide and pregnancies, the divorce rate and single parent families.) Despite the Dr. Phils of this world proclaiming "family first!" .. we don't really live in that reality.
Not only do we not have a moral responsibility, we don't have a legal one (though law makers are reconsidering this in many US states) to take care of our elders when they are no longer able to care for themselves. The best we have, morally, is if our parents raised us with that ethic .. whether it's a biblical or simple family dynamic. Some of us *choose* to honor our parents by providing elder care .. but .. and it's a big BUT .. none of us is obligated, despite any guilt-tripping we might be handed. We haven't been raised for it. We'd have to wind the clock back a century or so.
I understand that it would be complete cruel and heartless to abandon a helpless elderly parent. Even so, the children are not obligated. Countrymouse said something really good about making plans for our elder care our self. I need to get back to making my plans and putting it down on paper.
We don't own our children and we don't have a right to make plans for their future to be our caregivers on any level. In fact, based on what I see in families where there is more than one child, it would be cruel of me to ask it of them. I don't want my children hating one another over POAs and the other things that go along with looking after a parent.
My children have to survive after I'm gone. I have to survive after my mother goes. Fortunately for my mother and I, I can do that and take care of her full time. Even in the final stages of ALZ and VasDem she is a huge blessing to me and I cherish our time together.
I've given my parents a large red notebook to fill out that has all sorts of future questions regarding their house, their car, their health, their wills, their final requests. I am keeping my fingers crossed that Dad is filling this out. Maybe it will get him thinking, or maybe he fell asleep looking at it after the first set of questions :0
Things and life -- they are a'changing!
I would never presume to tell my children what to do as an adult no more than I would have wanted my mother to tell my what to do as an adult.
I certainly do not want my children to have to see me in such a miserable, degraded way. I'd rather let the professionals take care of me in a professional setting than allow this. Seriously? I can't imagine one of my children giving me a bath or wiping my tush and it isn't going to happen.
Now that she's 91 and suffers from Alzheimer's she needs caring for. Most times she can't find the bathroom on her own. I'm not about to leave her on her own to her own resources.
It is a situation like hers that I refer to caring for our elderly. If they lose their self reliance through illness, they need someone to care for them. I would like it to be family, but realize that is not always a possibility.
Example, if my parents need to go to the store, and no longer drive... they made the decision to remain in their home with no transportation, so it is their responsibility to find a way to get to the store.
Same with Dad shoveling snow or climbing ladders, it was his decision.
And if I go over to help, it will be expected of me all the time. And that decision to stay in their own home becomes a good decision in their mind.
My significant other and I had spoiled my parents the first 5 years, right after Dad had a heart attack, we were there helping left and right. Then I noticed my own home was a mess, my yard a mess, I was a mess. I had to stop.