Should we care for our elderly parents just because they cared for us?

Parents are legally required to care for their children or face charges of abuse or neglect. More parents do it willingly and joyously. My mother was one of those, although when I came along, I was a complete surprise, since at 42, most of her friends had grandchildren by then, and she had been told many years before that she'd never be able to get pregnant.

Mom was happy about my unexpected arrival but my father was not. In fact, he kept a notebook in which he recorded all the expenses that I incurred, starting with the cost of my delivery, right up through college. He never presented me with a bill, like Bernard Cooper's father did, in Cooper's memoir, "The Bill From My Father," but he made it clear that children were expensive and inconvenient.

I took care of my mother when she was dying from cancer. My father refused to let me arrange for a housekeeper or a nurse when he got dementia, so I put him in a nursing home: a very good one.

Long story short, you get what you give. Nobody should be guilted into caring for a parent simply because their parent fed and clothed them when they were young. If there's no love there, the old person is better off in a nursing home when they can't live alone any longer.

donnacecilia, don't forget, not everyone is able to be a caregiver, no different than not everyone can be a brain surgeon, a teacher, a farmer, a pilot, a police officer, etc.

Don't forget, 30% of all caregivers die leaving behind those they are caring for... that is a HUGE number. Some of us can handle the stress, some of us cannot. Such stress can bring on serious illnesses such as cancer,

We have parents living into their 90's and 100's.... oh my gosh.... does that mean a 82 year old should be caring full time for her 102 year old parents? Who is caring for that 82 year old? Her 62 year old child? Who is now caring for all 3?

The standards for childcare after the War were extraordinarily low. Adults were right by definition, no matter who the adult. I had an alcoholic history teacher who'd drink in class occasionally. The kids knew it but no one mentioned it to a parent as they wouldn't be believed anyway. He also left out World War II even though it was on the curriculum; I suppose he was more sympathetic to the Germans than was allowed by then. None of us kids mentioned that either, though it left us unable to answer a major question on the external exam. I thought General Rommel was on our side for decades.

Child sexual predators had a field day. We are only now finding out about Jimmy Savile because no one would have believed his child victims at the time. Sex was a taboo subject. There was no information about sex but plenty of adults after young girls who were held responsible for whatever happened. I was scared rigid of the whole thing without understanding what I was scared of. I only found out later that girls who were declared promiscuous could be put into reform school. There was one case of a girl sent to a juvenile prison because she had a Chinese boyfriend, who she later married.

I can remember being anxious all the time, but to my mother these were the good old days. She had nearly absolute power over me and enjoyed it. She has never really moved past those good old days emotionally and doesn't understand how much has changed. She watches oldie TV and hardly anything she watches is past 1980. We watched a 50-year-old Carol Burnett special and she thought it was contemporary. She doesn

Sorry, got posted prematurely.

She doesn't have dementia as far as I know, but she might as well have. She'd just love me to move in so she can resume domestic tyranny. Nearly absolute power, always right, no learning or effort required, entitled to say or do anything she likes. Family relationships have changed a lot, but that means nothing to her and she is addicted to domestic tyranny like some people are addicted to alcohol. It seems to have been a sort of bargain between men and women. She could be a domestic tyrant as long as she left the external world to him and didn't work, have her own money, drive or deal with technology. My mom is totally incompetent in dealing with the world outside her home and a complete tyrant in it. In her old age, she just wants to continue her accustomed style of life and can't see how dysfunctional and destructive it is.

I am an only child. My parents are 88 and 89 years old. My husband and I have been caring for them since 2012. Each having one illness after another. They complain about everything. Mom keeps telling me about all the nice clothes I had when I was young and all the things that she and Dad have done for me. They are saying that I owe them. I have given up salary for them and everything else. I finally got angry and said that I did not ask to be born. I don't mind doing it but what I mind is them being so nasty. NASTY is what gets to me. I am sure that I had the best dipers money could buy. So NO you should not be expected to take care of them but it should be done out of love. They both have dementia so this is becoming very hard. Plus my husband just started Chemo treatments June 3rd for pancreatic cancer stage 4 diagnosed May 22, 2013. My parents have not even asked how he is. There is only so much you can take from your parents. Answer is NO

I mean May 22, 2014 not May 22 2013--- sorry not getting much sleep.
and June 3, 2014

126Cher, same here being an only child with my significant other being very important to me since my immediate family is just my parents and him. My s/o also has serious health issues and my parents rarely ask how he is doing.... they think if he is bringing in their groceries to their house than he's doing great... they don't see him at home resting because he's so tired.

Thank goodness my parents don't live with me, yet.... don't get me wrong, I love my parents.... but I was an overprotected child and it took years to gain my independents.... if they move in, I once again become a *child*. My parents are in denial that I am a senior citizen myself... even showing them my AARP and Medicare card doesn't help.... [sigh]

Cher, I am hoping your hubby has smooth sailing with his chemo treatments. Having cancer is one of the most terrifying things imaginable... I had it and am in remission. After 4 years I finally find my new *normal* life.... I just hope my parents don't throw a wrench into it.

same as above... very dysfunctional family... after having my mother here I can say it's even more (if possible) destroyed any semblance of a mother/daughter 'relationship'... She pits me against my other siblings AND treats here daughter-in-laws better than the daughter who has given her everything to ensure her safety and welfare.... now, it has almost driven me into the grave (literally)...

No, I don't think everyone is made to be a caregiver, or can be for many reasons. I had stated that already. And I know some have horribly cruel and neglectful parents. Those are not the ones I have a concern with.

I'm speaking of selfish people who resent the idea of having to care for sick parents, when they have the means to do so. I'm talking about the selfish people who are upset that money has to be spent on parents and that will cause their inheritance to suffer. Or are upset the parents have the nerve to save money for their own future possibility of having to live in a NH.

One day I was speaking with Mom's investment advisor. I have POA, so we had a meeting about what she has. He told me I would be shocked at how many children who are caring for a parent want the ability to change the parent's will so they can have a larger slice. Many figured since they are the caregiver, they deserve most of the money after the parent passes away.

It is attitudes like that I find unsettling. I am seeing more and more children of parents who need their help who aren't willing to do anything. In such cases, I would rather they send their parent(s) to a NH.

I'm in Canada, not the UK. When I say 'ward', I'm referring to a floor in a medical or care building that cares for one type of illness. For instance, a cancer ward would be a floor in a hospital that treats only cancer. There are many separate rooms with patients, but the whole floor is referred to as a ward.

donnacecilia, in my case it is my parents who are selfish, they don't want to spend one cent from their huge estate to make their own life better.... they want me to inherit the estate, great if I live to see it.

I am so stressed out I am exhausted from worry about my parents living in their single family house, with all those stairs. The house is no longer elder friendly. They could very easily move into a fantastic retirement community and purchase a large condo with the same amount of square footage as they have now... without me worrying about Dad trying to shovel instead of hiring someone.... or Dad climbing up ladders to clean the gutters, against refusing to hire someone ... or hand washing dishes because the dishwasher stopped working 3 years ago.

When I grocery shop for my parents I am always worried that Mom will complain about something I got, and sure enough she does, it's in a nice way but it still feels like I did something wrong. Sorry I have no control over the grocery prices or product quality. And here I thought I was helping out... [sigh]

I honest believe my parents will outlive me. And being an only child, there is no back-up child to take my place.

Well freqflyer, I wouldn't call your parents selfish. They sound like they belong to the same era my parents did...the dirty 30s. Every penny had to be held close to the chest. Even after the great depression, they believed they shouldn't spend the money on themselves. They were scared they'd lose it again, plus believed their children should be left a nice nest egg after they're gone.

It's difficult being an only child with nobody to pass the baton to. I feel for your situation.

Right before my father passed away I was pondering this very question. I ran across an article by complete chance that explained that we don't owe it to our parents to be their elderly caregivers. It made complete sense to me and it still does. It was all settled in my mind that I had a choice. I still do. I feel relieved to know that I'm my mothers caregiver because I want to be. I'm not paying some debt off or doing what other people expect. I do it because I want to. I don't know where the idea came from that loving children take care of their elderly parents themselves, but it's wrong. We can love our parents deeply and let others who are more qualified and have the time take care of them. As a mother I would not want my children to alter their lives and become my caregiver. All I ask is that they secure a safe place where I'll be treated well and for them to take to time to come by and visit from time to time.

Argenon I agree, except that unless there are very good reasons why you can't I'd say it's for us, as competent adults, to secure our own safe places where we'll be treated well. Look ahead!

donnacecilia, you made an excellent point about how some parents who were raised during the Great Depression find it hard spend money. They also taught me to be fugal, and I am glad for that. But if there is something I really need, and I know I have the funds to repair/replace, I will do it.

I told Dad [92] to think about what would happen if something happens to him, and to me, and Mom [96] is left all alone by herself in that big house. Who is going to come to her aid? He needs to try to convince Mom to move to a retirement community while she is still mobile. Otherwise, will it take the mailman noticing mail is piling up in their mailbox to call the police?

argenon, I disagree with the article. We do have an obligation to look after our elderly parents. That doesn't mean we need to bring them into our home and have our own lives turned upside down. Place them in a NH or assisted living place. If we don't care for our elderly parent, what will happen? Will they die a lonely death only to be found by somebody months later? Do we wash our hands of it just let the state take over because we don't feel any sort of obligation?

If family can't or won't care for them, then at least find a place that will. Caregiving isn't always living with them 24/7. It's finding a solution that will make their final days safe and relatively comfortable.

But, as human beings we are obligated to care for the vulnerable. If we saw an elderly person on the street in obvious distress, I think most would attempt to help in some way.

My therapist told me that my parents are adults with clear minds, that whatever decision they make, my parents have to deal with the responsibility that comes with that decision.

Example, if my parents need to go to the store, and no longer drive... they made the decision to remain in their home with no transportation, so it is their responsibility to find a way to get to the store.

Same with Dad shoveling snow or climbing ladders, it was his decision.

And if I go over to help, it will be expected of me all the time. And that decision to stay in their own home becomes a good decision in their mind.

My significant other and I had spoiled my parents the first 5 years, right after Dad had a heart attack, we were there helping left and right. Then I noticed my own home was a mess, my yard a mess, I was a mess. I had to stop.

I'm not referring to aging parents who are still capable of taking care of themselves. Even up until Mom was in her early 80s she would climb a ladder of her 2 storey house to clean out the eavestroughs. I was scared for her safety; but she insisted on doing it.

Now that she's 91 and suffers from Alzheimer's she needs caring for. Most times she can't find the bathroom on her own. I'm not about to leave her on her own to her own resources.

It is a situation like hers that I refer to caring for our elderly. If they lose their self reliance through illness, they need someone to care for them. I would like it to be family, but realize that is not always a possibility.

I've always said I don't own my children. I was merely the way they came into this world. Of course, we raised them until they were of age, then expected them to get a job and start being adults.

I would never presume to tell my children what to do as an adult no more than I would have wanted my mother to tell my what to do as an adult.

I certainly do not want my children to have to see me in such a miserable, degraded way. I'd rather let the professionals take care of me in a professional setting than allow this. Seriously? I can't imagine one of my children giving me a bath or wiping my tush and it isn't going to happen.

Also, I have family members who are fire/police/emt personnel. Most people who live alone are often found dead after a few days when they haven't been heard from, whatever. So, the view that all children are caring for their parents is not true. In fact, if you look on the inet you'll see at least fifty percent of today's young adults do not keep in touch with their parents as much as they used to. It has a lot to do with living out of state, etc. And, don't forget, once children are out of the house today, a lot of parents are thrilled and start to pursue a life of their own, too.

Things and life -- they are a'changing!

Why can't there be a compromise, where the adult child does at least something substantial every so often, to show some good faith?

Whiney, compromising would be great..... only if we could set up a 5 or 10-year plan. Who will do what at this point in time? Then who will do what during the next phase when more care is needed, etc? If the caregiver(s) aren't physically able to help during the next phase who will take his/her place, etc?

I've given my parents a large red notebook to fill out that has all sorts of future questions regarding their house, their car, their health, their wills, their final requests. I am keeping my fingers crossed that Dad is filling this out. Maybe it will get him thinking, or maybe he fell asleep looking at it after the first set of questions :0

Donnacecilia, Let me be a bit more clear as to what my point is. I don't owe my parents anything. Having me was their choice and it was never negotiated that giving life to me made me in any way obligated to them to take care of them. Another thing my parents gave me was compassion, morals, honor and the ability to love others. My parents didn't raise me to be their care giver, but they did raise the kind of human who would out of love and compassion.
I understand that it would be complete cruel and heartless to abandon a helpless elderly parent. Even so, the children are not obligated. Countrymouse said something really good about making plans for our elder care our self. I need to get back to making my plans and putting it down on paper.
We don't own our children and we don't have a right to make plans for their future to be our caregivers on any level. In fact, based on what I see in families where there is more than one child, it would be cruel of me to ask it of them. I don't want my children hating one another over POAs and the other things that go along with looking after a parent.
My children have to survive after I'm gone. I have to survive after my mother goes. Fortunately for my mother and I, I can do that and take care of her full time. Even in the final stages of ALZ and VasDem she is a huge blessing to me and I cherish our time together.

Some food for thought ...

Most of us have been raised in a society that does NOT encourage elder care by children. We have social security and/or retirement and medicare (or its equivalent), supposedly designed to provide for post retirement needs that lulls us into a false sense of security. Children are encouraged to flee the nest at the earliest possible moment to take control of their own lives. I think very few families are truly developed into a nurturing cycle of care. And, the unfortunate truth is, no one really anticipated the burgeoning of elders and their care. We're having to hash it out now.

Modern living is designed to extend lives, and is .. economically and emotionally .. far beyond our capacity to handle. IF an adult is smart or aware enough to consider their end of days .. which are turning into several decades, rather than one or two .. they've made arrangements for assisted living/at home care or nursing facilities when and if they need it. But, I'm willing to bet the number of 80+ year olds who arranged for it is tiny, compared to the number that need elder care.

I dare y'all to ask a gaggle of teenagers or twenty-somethings what they think of old age. I'd be willing to bet and eat my hat if I'm wrong, that most will roll their eyes and, at best, shrug their shoulders and worry about it 'when I get there.' We do NOT have an old age consciousness. Most young people I've encountered don't even know the concept of respecting their elders. The under-30 crowd has been raised in a do-me-now society of get rich quick, text and blog your way to success .. mostly without having to 'pay their dues' .. and have a very limited concept of a non-dysfunctional family dynamic. (If you doubt that, think about the rise of teenage suicide and pregnancies, the divorce rate and single parent families.) Despite the Dr. Phils of this world proclaiming "family first!" .. we don't really live in that reality.

Not only do we not have a moral responsibility, we don't have a legal one (though law makers are reconsidering this in many US states) to take care of our elders when they are no longer able to care for themselves. The best we have, morally, is if our parents raised us with that ethic .. whether it's a biblical or simple family dynamic. Some of us *choose* to honor our parents by providing elder care .. but .. and it's a big BUT .. none of us is obligated, despite any guilt-tripping we might be handed. We haven't been raised for it. We'd have to wind the clock back a century or so.

LadeeC, excellent post, lot of good points.

I, for one, never knew anything about caregiving because my parents never had to care for their parents, nor did I personally have a friend who was a caregiver. This was a YIKES moment for me.

My parents have saved for many rainy days, I just wished they would view this as a very long rainy moment and realize that being in their own 3-story home in their mid-90's isn't the wisest choice for them. They could afford their pick of really great retirement communities. Geeze, open up that wallet once in awhile to make your life better.

I know this is a learning experience for me on what NOT to do... I am saving like crazy, well I started saving back when I was 5 years old and have my very own savings account at a bank. If it comes a day where I no longer drive or I find my house too overwhelming, I will pack and find a nice retirement community to spend the rest of my days. I just hope my significant other is on the same track, he has saved big time for those rainy days.

But has his grown children been saving? Nope. Both of them are in debt, and Dad has been their personal ATM machine, until recently when my S/O finally woke up to what they were doing. I am sure these two grown children are not alone, lot of others in their age group [late 30's early 40's] haven't saved, either. So that means their children will be Caregivers. Hard to picture a 7 year old and a 9 year old being Caregivers in the future.

All I know is something needs to be done. Baby boomers are aging and will live long past the years of their own parents. This whole dementia thing snuck up on us. Medical science has made it so we live a long life. But, they missed one important thing. What comes with that long life? Dementia, stroke, heart disease, arthritis and a plethora of other ailments associated with old age.

I know many people are not able or want to care for an elderly ill parent. If I had to work for a living, I would have to put both my brother and mother in nursing homes. I was always taught that family comes first. That doesn't mean you have to be with them 24/7. It means making sure their needs are met and they're safe. That could mean placing them in a nursing home or assisted living. Caregiving doesn't mean a 24/7 hands on activity.

But, as a society we need to come up with some answers. We need to pressure government and science to find a successful treatment, if not a cure, to these diseases that rob a person of his/her abilities. It not only is a pressure on families, but healthcare, corporations that lose employees who feel the need to quit because of a family member and government, because government loses tax revenue and incur increased costs.

Old age has a domino effect. I doesn't just affect the person and his/her caregiver(s). Society, as a whole is affected.

donnacecila, BINGO !! I've been saying similar things to whomever will listen that we need to push our government to donate to science to find a treatment for memory loss.... and I would gladly pay higher taxes for money to go into a fund to help those families who cannot afford to put their parents/spouse/sibling into a nice facility, with grants to get professional care at home for everyone who needs it.

But I wonder if us early baby boomers will live as long as our parents. I really don't believe we will. Our parents [who are in their late 80's and in their 90's] grew up eating organic food.... thus their bodies had a good platform to start out on. We, on the other hand, grew up with preservatives in our food, hormones in the meat, mercury in our fish, yada, yada, yada.... thus our bodies don't have a good base line.

There are times when I think my parents will outlive me. I've had cancer already, which took me totally by surprised as I was doing everything right, but wham it still got me. My significant other also was doing everything right health wise, is now in Stage 3 kidney disease. We look at each other and wonder what the h*ll did we do wrong??? Must be something in our water or food. OMG, I am starting to sound like a tree hugger.... this cancer really ticked me off.

Yes

As child of an aging parent, what we must do is step OUT of the role of child and *be* the adult. "Look. Mom, Dad .. here's the thing. I'm happy to help out, and I know how hard it is to give up all the things you worked for. And ... (I'm not saying 'but' because that negates everything I said before it) ... we all have to face reality. No way am I going to face the worry of you climbing the stairs and one day, have your legs give out on you and find you face down at the bottom, unable to move. Or mom in the garden, collapsed from a stroke, without a call button to bring the emergency team. It's time to face reality and accept the limitations, because I will not be party to your demise .. unless you clearly tell me that's your choice. If you want to create your own death trap, do NOT make me a party to it and expect me to play nice. You say you love me, appreciate me, value me, then we have to come to some agreement."

At 61, with no children, this is something I'm squarely having to answer for myself. I won't be a wimp or a whiner. I know and accept that what I've done with my life is my responsibility and my future is mine to control. NO one else's.

For me, this is the crucial aspect. All of us .. every single, bloody one of us, has to become accountable. For the present, based on the past, and into the future. It's not the government's responsibility .. great leaping turds .. depending on the government has led us here, to this untenable and unforgivable state.

I remember the conversations I had as late teen, early twenty-something: by the time we reached the age of being eligible for social security, it would be defunct. We were urged to take matters into our own hands. We weren't entirely wrong. The 2013 financial statements for the SSA states that, at the present rate of asset growth, compared with the projected schedule of payments, by 2033 (that's less than 20 years away), funding for programs will be depleted.

"Social Security’s financing is not projected to be sustainable over the long term with the tax rates and benefit levels scheduled in current law. Program cost will exceed noninterest income in all years of the 75 - year projection period. In 2033, the combined OASI and DI Trust Fund asset reserves will be depleted according to the projections by Social Security’s Trustees. Under current law, when either the OASI or DI Trust Fund depletes, full scheduled benefits cannot be paid on a timely basis. Tax revenues are projected to be sufficient to support expenditures at a level of 77 percent of scheduled benefits after the combined OASI and DI Trust Fund depletion in 2033, declining to 72 percent of scheduled benefits in 2087." **

I foresee a future where there will be government sponsored 'elective suicide' houses, where, for the price of turning over all future benefits to social security, we can opt out, like in Soylent Green. I, for one, would actually TAKE that option. I do *not* want to live to be 90 yo, relying on someone to clean my bum and choose my activities for the day. I'd much rather lie on a table with my favorite surround filling my senses, as I ease out. Thank you, very much.

** Look for the "Highlights of Financial Position" pdf document at http://www.socialsecurity.gov/finance/

"It's not the government's responsibility .. great leaping turds .. depending on the government has led us here, to this untenable and unforgivable state."

LadeeC: what could you possibly mean by the government has led us to this untenable and unforgivable state." Unless you live in one of the "unforgivable" regressive, right-to-work states of the American south, I haven't a clue as to what you're referring. I especially don't see our country in an untenable position. We just need to get back to the time when values mattered more than corporate profits and politicians didn't always work for the truly wealthy and the corporate managers. Still I do wish you'd take the time to enlighten me as to what you meant. Because I could sit around all night and think about what I know should be done to help out the majority of people in this country. I need to know where you're coming from. Because indeed your Soylent Green (a truly awful movie!) vision is a total non-starter in my book. Though, if you want to be able to take your life easily and at any point in time I suggest you consider relocating to the Netherlands where the government will provide you with your very own cyanide pill to have at the ready...Frankly I'm a little sensitive tonight to the "d" subject: I lost a long-time beloved friend this past weekend after he lost his long battle with colon cancer. If one were to ask him he probably wouldn't have minded looking into a future and seeing himself as a dashing 88 year old fellow with a choice of daily activities....He had been in excellent health his entire life, ate well though he loved the occasional huge Porterhouse along with a tasty, well-aged California Cab. I felt he ran too many miles each week but there wasn't an ounce of fat on him, and little reason on this good earth of ours to come down with cancer of the colon. He worked setting up trusts so people would not have to worry about money during their advanced years, and he did it with the same firm for over 35 years.

I have to say that I concur much more with the kind-hearted "freqflyer" above when she says she'd like to see our government invest in research (instead of giving tax breaks to the wealthy) into memory loss, and I'd include cancer research because I read how much the government has invested in cancer research over the last few decades and while I cannot recall the amount (see there goes my memory!) I was shocked at the low total amount; that she would also like to see tax money invested in the long-term care of our elderly who cannot afford such care makes her in my book a special kind of person -- the kind I don't want to see get lost on the way to her polling place on Election Day.

"We just need to get back to the time when values mattered more than corporate profits and politicians didn't always work for the truly wealthy and the corporate managers."

I must have missed it - when was that?