Should we care for our elderly parents just because they cared for us?

Starry .. if you want to avoid some of the pitfalls that SA fell into, if you can get POA for health and finances, do it now. Otherwise, as soon as you possibly can, get guardianship .. she'll have to be deemed legally incompetent, but it'll save you the heartache and pain that comes from being legally incapable of making decisions on her behalf. At some point (and it'll be sooner than you think), you're going to want to be able to make decisions and have the means to follow through on them.

Neither of the options comes without some *serious* accountability and a lot of work, but it's way worse without .. huh, SA?

Moral obligation. It's that simple, Starry. I knew she was declining and would simply continue to get worse. I wish I could have walked away without a backward glance, but when guilt and obligations and emotions are involved, it gets complicated. Honestly, I didn't know what to do. I flipped flopped back and forth constantly, wanting to get the hell out to save my sanity, yet knowing that she really couldn't handle her house, yard, rental properties, etc, etc, etc, anymore. Dealing with all of that, and a full time job at the time left me frazzled and before I knew it time had passed and she just kept getting physically weaker. I did ask her to consider assisted living or someone else to come into the house but she refused to even talk about it. Again, you find yourself between a rock and a hard place. Being an only child in this kind of thing is tough. Not that people with sibs have it any better. Some people around here might as well be only children for all the help they get from their sibs. It's just a hard call, a hard, confusing, complicated thing to deal with. Had she agreed to some kind of alternate form of care I WOULD have left, but I couldn't force her to do anything. She was still sound at the time mentally. Then, 2-3 years later she dropped the alz bomb and I knew I was doomed. :/ I couldn't leave then even had I wanted to knowing what was coming.. Well, all we can do is our best. I try not to think about all that stuff too much anymore if I can help it, but sometimes I remember and get pissed off all over again. lol Ah well, time will heal all this...I hope...

And honestly, I really don't know EXACTLY why I didn't say screw you and leave, all things considered... :/ I probably would have... But then thoughts of my mom falling again and being alone, or getting sick and being alone, God knows, all kinds of crap goes through your mind...

SA, I hope it's okay to ask but when you first moved in and were working full-time and realized that your mother had gone back on everything she agreed to what kept you from packing up and leaving her to be on her own again right then? I ask because I struggle myself with why I don't protect myself when I need to with my own mother. The answers aren't so easy to find. As my mother will need more and more from me as time goes on I worry about how this will go if I can't solve this riddle.

I still broil just thinking about that crap... **shudder**

LadeeC, your stand on it is my stand, too.

My mom hounded me to move in with her, saying she wasn't able to do as much, slowing down, etc. I resisted for a year, finally caved and moved back here, feeling dread, resentment and moral obligation at the same time. I'm an only child. There was nobody else for my mom to count on. I didn't realize that my resentment at the time was just the tip of the iceberg compared to what was to come.

About a month after I got in here my mom told me that she was broke and could no longer pay the taxes on her 3 large properties. This house, another house, and land with a horse stable on it. I was floored and in shock. The demands for money had begun, and the fact that part of the reason I agreed to come here was our verbal agreement that I wouldn't HAVE to pay expenses be damned. I felt conned, betrayed, resentful and stupid as hell to have trusted my narcissistic mom. More fool me. I took care of this house, inside and out and all it entailed. The washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning and yard work. I also worked full time and handed over almost every dime I made on demand. What I'd have to listen to had I not given my mom that money wasn't bearable. My mom was a pit bull with endless energy to rage and raise hell, her personal element that she loved to STAY in and I was already under enough pressure as it was. I didn't think I could handle any more bitching and screeching than she was already doing.

I used to have friends, a life and good job I enjoyed going to, a little house with a little yard and my dog. My mom said Cody could come with me...until I got here. Then I was forced to get rid of him. I made sure he went to a good family. I started hating life, hating work. I wasn't doing a single thing for myself, everything was being done for my mother. I detested having to bust my ass at work, whereas before I loved busting my ass at work because I worked for MYSELF and got to keep the money I earned, got to spend it on the little pleasures I enjoyed, my fish tanks, gardening, books, etc...not anymore. One by one by one, my mom eradicated every single enjoyable thing out of my world, starting with my dog. Then the tanks. Then the flowers. Then the books. Every nickel I spent on myself was cause for bitching and complaining. God, how I hated life, dreaded life. How the hell, looking back now, I survived that mess with my sanity in tact I'll never know.

And it just wasn't enough. Nothing was ever enough. I didn't give enough money, so my mom insisted that she was 'owed' my taxes each year, too....for having to 'support' me. **headdesk** She never got off that either, telling everyone and their brother what a loser I was and how SHE supported ME. **hisssss** My anger, resentment, frustration and misery knew no bounds. I was so depressed that death seemed preferable to having to deal with my mom and the endless, never ending demands another minute.

I hated going to work, like I said. I mean, for what? Almost every dime went to my mother. I hated living. I cursed God so many times for that situation. Glad he's forgiving. lol

This house isn't small. It had to be immaculate, like a show room, at all times. She'd call me from the other side of the house to point out some small flaw and demand I fix it. If I cleaned the house for days, she bitched the yard was a mess. If I spent a few days in the yard, she bitched the house was 'filthy'. I could. not. win. The money was never enough. The cleaning was never enough. The yard was never done to her satisfaction. I felt I had beast standing over me literally cracking a whip from dawn to dusk.

THANK GOD IT'S OVER. That part, I'm glad, so damn glad, is over now. I'd like to think my mom is at peace now. I'd like to think she's with my dad, chillin'. But if she did go to hell, bet in her personal hell there's a beast with a whip waiting and it's going to crack that mother over her for all eternity and she'll rest about as much as she allowed me.

It's going to take a long time to recover from my mom and the whole care giving ordeal. I'm physically and mentally worn the hell out. Never again in this life, not for anyone, not for anything.

Game over and thank God for it.

Mary .. to be clear about my personal position: I can't imagine NOT caring for my parents, because that's the kind of person I am .. it's also how I was raised, to be kind and loving and giving. What I consider unconscionable is the idea that a parent lives with the expectation that their child(ren) *owe* THEM service at the ends of their lives.

Aside from this argument, it's also clear from so many's stories, here, that being a caregiver of our elders isn't an easy task .. especially when a parent hasn't provided for their own future. And to expect the child to not only provide the physical service of care giving, but (at worst) give up personal lives, careers and then pay for the day to day expenses .. is just craziness in action.

I think it's an honor taking care of my parents. My mother died 4 years ago with cancer. Three months later my Dad was found with cancar also. He had radio and quimotherapy and has been two years by now free of his oropharinge cancer, thanks to God for that. He has skin cancer now, alzheimer and other things. My family and me moved to his house to take care of him. He loved to study the Bible, he was a teacher at church. Now he doesn't remember anything. He doesn't remember me, but he is still my father. He deserves my honor. I love him so much!!

I think it matters how we define "care for" our parents. I had Mom living with us for over 2 years thinking that was the only way I could care for her. It finally became too much. Now she is in AL and I still help and care and oversee things. But I am not there with her 24/7. I do not spend what I cannot afford so she can have trinkets and eat out.

We have to strengthen our boundaries when it comes to caring for people.

My mother has a mental illness that tore my family apart. She destroyed my father, separated us siblings because of her jealously. While I understand her mental illness, I will not allow her abuse to interfere with my marriage and family. Yes, a mental illness is not mom's fault...however, her negativity, verbal abuse to me and about my husband and his family...or about my siblings...how useless my father was, etc...boundaries must be drawn regardless if she gave birth to me. She did not pay for the thousands of $$ I spent on therapy to get healthy. She was not there for me when I was growing up...I will see that she is well taken care of while I advocate, visit, and spend time with her but as soon as her ugliness pops up, I will leave.

Sometimes I think that the individual who has a lot of empathy, sympathy, and yes, pity, takes on the responsibility of caring for parents out of compulsion. They simply cannot walk away from a person in need, no matter what their relationship with that person may have been in the past.
This person would be me, and I am wondering if there are others out there like me.
After 6 years of caring for both my parents, I finally hired professional caregivers to help. But there is still a lot of work to be done, because caregivers need information, approval and feedback.
I've never thought of what I'm doing as re-paying my parents for raising me. But I'm not sure what well I drew this bucket from - it has a hole in it that I keep trying to fill.
Hm.

I spent all of my life feeling that my mother didn't love me. It's an awful feeling growning up constantly trying to gain her love.
When my mother turned 91 she was dumped on me by my sibblings ( her favorites) and I was charged with the task of taking care of her. It was very hard taking care of some one not knowing for sure if she appreciated me taking her in after everyone else had abandoned her. After one year of living with me the truth came out. She told me tthat it was a waste of her time giving birth to me and she would never forgive me for an illiness I had as a child that pervented her from living her life.
I was in tears every day, and she showed no emotion towards my hurt. I was so depressed that I could hardly function. It was then that I had to choose, It was her or me. Two weeks ago I moved her into an assisted living facility and I am now trying to put her and her feelings toward me behind.
You would think that this story would come from a much younger person than myself.. one dealing with mommy issues. But I am 63 years old and I finally addressed something that has kept me in her clutches of trying to please her.
So to answer the question.. Should we as adults take care of our parents in their late years? As for me.... Well you tell me.

I had a happy childhood and as a child I thought I had best mom and dad in the world. Did not think so much so when I was 12-13. I lost my father at 14. I wish there was not a need for someone to help and it is not an easy time. I have had a chronic illness since I was a teenager and my mother helped me a lot. I feel bad for her because she gave help to so many people and now her friends are dying or don't drive. I want to be here for her and I want her to be happy.

I think that parent who thinks their children owe them any kind of payback, should go back in time and get themselves neutered.

With that said, I cared for my mom, with hospice's assistance, until she passed, and if/when my Dad needs it, I'll be there. Because I want to. We were a normally dysfunctional family (still are), but my heart says, "do it," even though my father very clearly says, "I know what it means, my mother had Alzheimer's and I don't want my kids to have to deal with it ... just put me in a home." Maybe part of the reason I'd be willing to take care of him is that he SAID that. I dunno. It's just part of who and what I am. Entitlement, in any form, just sets my jaw on edge and the hackles rising on my neck.

As far as I'm concerned no one, and I really mean NO one, 'deserves' to be loved, cared for or cherished. We give it away, by choice.

Oh spruneda that is sad, your mother saying "we were never that way…" No, I'm sure she wasn't, but you were a child, you weren't a demented adult aged six! And dementia IS so frustrating, and nobody's had any practice, and you're right, all you can do is do your best without the benefit of planning or training. So all things considered you're doing pretty damned well still to be there! Big hug.

I'm fairly new into care taking and it has been very frustrating dealing with a Mother who was diagnosed with dementia. She seems to think something is wrong with me when I have my outburst and try to say "We were never that way too you" my responds is simply this "That because you planned for a child, you wanted one by your choice. I have been placed in a position that I was not ready for and deal a whole lot of obligation, not by choice. I am not complaining, but there is a difference." I stand by this statement and I will be here for my Mother, but I will not allow her circumstance to come between my own life and health. I will get support that is needed and will not feel bad about it. We must keep in mind that these are sickness that we are dealing with, we are not specialist so there is no way that we can think we can know how to deal with these circumstances. This is the realistic facts. We must keep this in mind.

My mother and father saved every penny they ever got their hands on for my entire life. It was for their "old age". My dad once told me that all of,his money was his to do with as he pleased, burn it if he wanted to......well OK.

They both couldn't pay for college, a nice or even not so nice wedding. No vacations with the kids or grand kids. No generosity what so ever. All they had was for their "nursing home" care.

Now at the end of the day, mom is left and she has a big fat bank account ( around 1 million) that we had better not even look at, even if we are dying, because it is for her nursing home.

So I am going to honor her wishes and put her in a nursing home and she better d*** well like it because it is all my brother and I ever heard our entire lives. She made it easy.

I am my Mom POA. She put everything in order several years ago. I know she would never expect any of her kids to give up their lives for her. I have what I know I can do. I have moved within 3 miles of her , I oversee all her caregivers that come 24/7. I take her to all appointments , I shop for her groceries, manage her finances and take her to church every Sunday. I have a sister that lives an hour away that fills in every other weekend. My other siblings visit from out of town when they can. I take one day at a time and know things can change in a moment. I take no compensation for what I do. I love my Mom and want to be there for her in her final phase of life. Was she perfect ? Uh No. Am I perfect ? Uh No. I hope I can continue to make her life as pleasant as can be expected and still have a life.

Mrhomecareinc...?

We take care of our parents not because they cared for us when we were a child and was dependent on them. We take care of them out of love. If you don't love your parents, don't feel obligated to take care of them. Just like you said, it's not the same thing.

It isn't the same thing!... I concur!...
Actually, my parents left me with my aunt when I was 16 to 'settle' in another city, while I finished my HS... I believe, this was a bad decision as a parent... but, a decision non-the-less due to being poor and needing jobs, etc... When my parents decided to move back to the state I resided... my father took ill and passed away at 45 yrs old... My upbringing/childhood was very disrupted and dysfunctional... Now, I feel like the 'child' taking care of my mother... (she was married a second time and lost her 2nd husband)after I was away from her for decades... She labels me in the family as being "too nice"... which has backfired on me as the 'black' sheep in the family... (the ONLY caregiver... 2 sons who are "living their lives"... and, are "wonderful sons"... Some 'children' don't have a healthy 'childhood' and still bring 'LOVE' to their parents as caregiver's... Yes... the LOVE comes from the HEART...(and, perhaps this comes from trying your whole life to 'win' some kind of 'approval')... But, trying to do this with a difficult elderly parent that bucks you all the time... isn't healthy either...

I am so happy this topic has been addressed. Eddie, your father's words "Children are not supposed to be an investment against old age" is spot on!

No, I don't feel like we should have to take care of our parents. I would not want my kids to feel guilt tripped into taking care of me. We have all been given life. The parents lived their life, so why should their kids give up their life to have to take care of them. People are living so much longer now. It is not uncommon for parents to live well into their 90s and even 100. You see that all the time in obituaries. Medicine has made living longer possible, but the quality of life isn't always great. I personally do not want to live until I'm pretty much helpless. If it does come to that, I have long term care insurance and have told my kids to put me in a NH. They deserve to live the life God has given them without me being a burden. Just my opinion.

I don't think providing care necessarily means personally giving hands on care, unless you're willing and able to do so. Yes, our parents raised us, took care of us, fed us, clothed us, etc. You know what? That was their JOB! They chose to have children, we didn't ask to be here. It was their JOB to take care of us. It is not our JOB to take care of them. I'm looking after my MIL now,(not living with us, but 40 or 50 feet away) who has the mindset that family should provide hands on care and putting a loved one in a NH means you don't want to fool with that loved one anymore. I personally think that mindset is selfish. I'm willing to look after her and help her out but there is a limit. She can still do most things for herself. I have my marriage and my two small children to think about. I have to put them first. But I will do what I can to help her. When/if she gets to a point where she needs more care than what I can reasonably give, then she'll have to go to a home unless someone else in the family is willing/able to step up then they can take over. She was a wonderful mother to my husband and to his now-deceased siblings and I really don't think she expects ME to provide full-time care. She understands I have my kids to think about but she does want someone to live with her and help her out, keep her company.

She's actually upset with my niece because she wanted my niece to come live with her and take care of her. The thing that bothered me was her whole attitude, like my niece owed it to her to move in and take care of her. That because my sister-in-law (MIL's daughter, niece's mother) isn't alive to do it, that my niece needed to step up in sister-in-law's place. My niece just avoided her phone calls and MIL has finally given up on that. She still badmouths her every now and then though.

I'll do what I can for my mother too when/if the time comes. Right now she's only in her sixties and is in great health, able to do for herself, still working full-time.

Me, personally, I do not expect my children to provide hands on care in my old age. I want them to make sure I'm taken care of, don't get me wrong, but I do not expect them to give up their lives, careers, incomes, marriages, families of their own, to take care of me. That's just plain selfish to expect that. What will they do when I'm gone? They'd be all alone and it would be all my fault for expecting them to give up their lives. Nope, not gonna ask that of them. I'd provide hands on care for them if they got in bad shape but I'm their mother, that's my job. I love them and I'd gladly do it. I'd do it for my husband. I love him and I made marriage vows for better or worse, in sickness and in health, etc. I'll do what I can for others, but will not sacrifice my marriage, my children, my sanity or my life. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.

I am an only child living 1500 miles away and luckily my mother (and father) can afford 24/7 care at home. My mother is dying very slowly but now has hospice. She would like me to make frequent and long visits. I do wish to give back to her for her deep caring for me, although she was and sometimes still is very undermining of me and self-involved. However, my professional life and marriage are suffering in a worrisome way, and even to some degree my health, and mental health.
Anyone else relate to this?

Reading just the first page of responses it is very clear that there are a lot of folks (like myself) whose parent wasn't really present for their children but who are now in need of, or in debt to, their children for trying to do the right thing by them in their old age. Like Ashlynne, my mother was (and, frankly, still is) very self focused on her wants, needs and comfort. She does not live with my husband and me but we are only 10 - 15 minutes away from her and are the primary caregivers. I have found great support and solace in my husband, friends and my pastor who helped me to come to the realization that I needed to get some regular help. So, the money that has been saved from the sale of my mother's home for the possibility of future AH or NH placement is now being used for this "rainy day." Mom has a "Visiting Angel" aide visit her twice a week for 4 hours and she is a true Godsend. Has handled various tasks like shopping, laundry, dry skin massages and we are working towards help with bathing, which my mother really hasn't been doing (uses those moist towelettes that others have mentioned here). And, truthfully, she is a help with the loneliness that I know my mother experiences but isn't really aware of....always says she prefers to be by herself.....but she does seem to be enjoying the aide's company and attention. And, this has given me a sense of some relaxation coming back into my body knowing that I have this respite from always being potentially "on call." Truthfully, I and my husband largely do this out of a sense of obligation but, at 91 and showing significant cognitive decline and being extremely frail, we are probably looking at an end sooner rather than later. Not sure if this helps anyone else who has similar parental issues but it's what I'm finding works, at least while the money is still put aside. Hugs & comfort to everyone....we gain a lot of mutual support from this site, for which I'm ever grateful.

My friends mum had Als after a final stroke she couldnt function and was "brain dead" for three years before she died she was in a NH for those three years and received the best of care she was always clean dressed and made up no matter when the relatives arrived always up and sitting by the window my friend and her family were very happy with her care.
So lets not knock all NHs some are good and some are bad its up to family to shop around and ask the obvious questions. I dont expect nurses and docs to show my parents love? i want them to care! the loving comes from the family im sorry you had a bad experience but this is not the norm in most NHs. When we decide on a NH we should get talking to someone who has had thier parent in there and ask about the care. My friend saw 20 homes before having this one recommended.

I do not believe you should have to take care of your parents. It's not a job everyone can do and you will only treat them mean if you don't have patience or the desire to do so from the heart. I agree with all the post that raising a baby into an adult is way different from taking care of an elderly parent. I am trying to take care of my mom of 92. For the most part her living with me has been a wonderful experience. It's when she gets sick and goes into a rehab/hospital she turns into Dr. Jykle and Mr. Hyde

I became a caretaker overnight seven years ago when my mom died suddenly. I was always dads girl and knew at a young age that this would be my responsibility (only child of parents that were only children). First never thought my job would last this long and second thought my dad would provide me some assistance as he is 87, parkinsons and chf. He is vet that never used those benefits and more important pays for long term insurance which he will not use because he is afraid of using it up and since he lives with me I can not get paid. As they said, even if you are cut out for this or you think it is your responsibility STOP AND THINK BEFORE MAKING A COMMITMENT. It is ok either way but in my case it would be by someone dad would not trust. I would not trade this time together although it was more than I bargained for.

I think some of us develop a love for parents which causes us to want to care for them and make them happy. I guess it depends on your relationship up to that point. That feeling doesn't come from the same mindset as "they took care of us and now we take care of them" obligation. That being said, since my Dad passed away almost 40 years ago, my sister and I have both lived with Mom (for short periods when she was in her 60's and early 70's.) She drove us nuts with her constant negativity and hovering - because she has absolutely no interests, hobbies - nothing, so her whole focus was living our lives. Being a different generation, she didn't agree with our activities so we got a good dose of interference and negativity. Now she is in her 90's, and worse, plus dementia, lying, stubborn, not washing, etc. We have agreed, when she is unable to care for herself, we feel no obligation to bring her into our homes at the sacrifice of our marriages, health and lifestyle. It would be different if she did not have the money to live in assisted living, but she can, and that is where she will have to go. And I have already put enough money away so I will not be an emotional burden on my daughters!

Artist what an enthralling philosophy you paint in the interests of humanity you bring to this post. Please excuse me while I go BARF in my toilet!