I am the youngest sibling of seven and my mother passed away just recently this year. I am a single mother of three children and my mother was my best friend and my rock. My mother suffered from Alzaihmer's. I feel so much pain and sadness over her loss that I just cant seem to move on with my life. I have been told that as time goes by it should get easier but I just feel that it becomes harder each and every day. How long will I continue to feel this way ?
When my dad died suddenly back in 1989, I asked an acquaintance who had lost her father while she was in her teens, how long it took her to 'get over it'. She said 'I'll let you know." She was 35 at the time.
I still mourn my dad's death, my husband mourns his mom's - I'm talking choked up tears in your eyes mourning, more often than you'd think, and they've both been gone more than 20 yrs.
With Mom, it still being so fresh, and still dealing with the legalities and all, I find it helps to 'compartmentalize' my grief. Acknowledge it, cry, scream, write on a board like this, etc., but find a time and place for the grief.
In the beginning I told everyone (lady on the train, check-out clerks, phone solicitors) bursting into tears each time. I don't do that so much now. I talk to her, I cry over her, but I tend to do it when I'm alone.
Of course there will be a "perma-sadness" attached to Mom's death, just as there is with my dad, but I still have a life to live, and I chose not to live it in perpetual, ongoing grief. She would not want that for me - and I am sure your Mom would not want that for you.
If there were a cookie-cutter formula for grief, I'd have gotten over mine years ago. Dad passed away in 1997, and I thought I'd never bring myself to accept it. But to move on, we have to. ACCEPTANCE, the 5th Stage of Grief, is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is permanent.
I see so much of my Dad in my sons and grandsons. The body's gone, but his spirit lives on. Instead of sitting in a corner mourning his passing, I celebrated his life and legacy. Cleansing tears flow once in a blue moon and I miss him so much. But life goes on. With or without me.
I know my father would not have wanted me to morn him forever. Based upon what you said about your Mom I doubt she would want you to morn her forever and not continue with your life. You indicated that your Mom was a rock. You are her daughter and have those same traits within you. Find them and become the rock for your kids and pass on the love your mother gave to you. Mom will always be watching and I think it would make her proud if you would do this.
You also have to be happy for your Mom. She is no longer suffering from Alzheimer's. It is such a nasty disease not only for the person who has it but also for those who love that person.
Let go, but never forget.
My mom passed away 3 weeks ago in our home from alzheimer's. I bought a house 6 months ago so I could take care of her and let her die in a loving environment with her family. Even though I've had the last few months to get used to the idea, her death still hurts. I was with her so much that now, alone, I feel as if I'm missing my right arm. But I am not in despair because I feel that I did everything I could to make her last months happy and to assure her she was loved. My religious beliefs comfort me knowing she is in heaven with my father and all her dear ones that passed before her. God gave me a wonderful mother and father to have for as long he deemed right. We are all really "on loan" to the world until God decides to call us back home. When I feel particularly blue I just try to remember that I was blessed to have them while I did and that, when I'm reunited with them, it will be forever. I know that she would want me to continue to live the best life I can in testament to my parents' loving care and my faith in God. Millie, I hope that sharing these thoughts with you gives you a little comfort. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Knowing she's in heaven, a better place, makes me smile. I cry every day but afterwards I look around me and see how blessed I am. I especially take comfort in exploring my new found faith in God, in the beauty of nature, and my true friends and family. I remember whispering to her "I love you, see you in about 20-30 years." That sort of made me feel a little better, knowing our separation is temporary. It's just so hard to live the new "normal", as they say. My Mom was my best friend. We did everything together, the best companion! I often think about how Mom would handle something or what would she say about a certain subject. I know she wouldn't want to see me moping around. She was a feisty lady!
Have you been through bereavement counseling/classes? I'm starting mine this Sunday at a church I like. Keeping busy seems to help too. Try a new routine or tradition with your kids. Sometimes I have to make myself try something new or to change an attitude. I also take an antidepressant medication and have been talking to a psychiatrist for awhile. Maybe it's time to talk with your doctor.
Hope you feel better soon.
My only advice to you is to be happy you have your children to give you strength. Try to think of their future. They need your guidance, and strength. Surround yourself with your friends/family both at home and at the workplace.
How do your siblings feel about your loss? Get together and discuss the good things your mom did for you to keep the family together. Talking about the "old times" helps to bring a smile and relieves tension.
My dad is 89 now and still misses her. He never re-married. He is now in an assisted living community surrounded by good, caring people and friends and this helps him cope. How I will deal with his death.. probably like I did with my mom. Have a good cry and let all of my emotions release. But I know he is a good provider, protected our country in W.W. II, and overall a rock solid good human being and that will help me cope.
But if you feel very depressed ALL the time, a professional counselor will give you better tips on coping with this loss. Never forget your children and family/friends need you, too! You will survive this, it is a natural thing in our lives.
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