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I am the youngest sibling of seven and my mother passed away just recently this year. I am a single mother of three children and my mother was my best friend and my rock. My mother suffered from Alzaihmer's. I feel so much pain and sadness over her loss that I just cant seem to move on with my life. I have been told that as time goes by it should get easier but I just feel that it becomes harder each and every day. How long will I continue to feel this way ?

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My mother passed away 10-4-13, she was 93. Although I know we were blessed having her for so long, I still mourn her and think of her a lot. While she was in hospice, she was mentally alert but her body was shutting down and I could not bear to see her that way....I did see her before she went to hospice and told her how much I loved her fully knowing it would probably be my last time ever that I would see her alive. I live in MD and she was in NJ. The first few weeks and month after she passed I cried a lot and went through the motions with my brother of sorting things out with regard to mom's Will and wishes. It is almost 3 months now and the holidays brought a lot of sadness because she was not here BUT I did go through the motions of having Christmas...she would have wanted that. I have good days and I have bad days where all I do is cry BUT the good days are starting to become more frequent...and then of course you hear or see something that reminds you and you start grieving again but it doesn't last long like it did when she was only gone days or weeks. Everyone greives at their own "pace", there is no right or wrong way. I do know signs of depression if I have them but so far it happened only in the days and weeks following her funeral. I find myself having fun again a laughing...remembering all that was good about my mom...and that is a comfort to me.
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My mom passed 12 years ago. I am an only child. My mom was my best friend. When she became ill, I spent three months in a hospital with her. Then she was discharged and the second night home at our house, fell down the complete flight of basement steps, breaking her hip and wrist badly. She hit her head, and the outline of the pool of blood is still visible at thebottom of the steps. Now my dad is living with us, and has been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer at age 87. I am about to crack completely. We are trying to keep life somewhat normal for our two girls, but I am having so much trouble juggling work and this. I feel as if I dont want to be here anymore, but I know I have to for my kids. I cry all the time. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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hello

I am struggling with the loss of my Dad it is very painful as the previous writers have expressed... I am not sure if anyone will read this ..so will keep this short
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It becomes easier as time passes. :-) W
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My mom just passed away a week ago. She was my best friend as well as a mother. I spent the last 4 years taking care of her due to numerous health problems. I too can't believe how much pain I am feeling and wonder when it will pass. I had her living with me so I am surrounded by memories at home of her. I went back to work hoping it would be a distraction but still find myself thinking about her, crying and missing her. I am grateful she went quickly (aneurysm burst) and that I was with her when she went and she was happy. I am not married so I don't have a family to focus on. I never knew it would be this hard.
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We are all in the same boat I see. I lost my Dad last year, a best friend in 2004, a best friend in 1988 (and grandparents and other family members before, during and after these times). The pain is different for all three because of the relationships I had with these three people and also the time that has passed. But my heart still feels the pain. I do not think we ever, ever get over the losses in our lives.
What we do to learn to cope depends upon our individual needs and temperaments. The day I heard my dad died I was at school and a classmate walked me to counseling. For me, that's what I needed. Family members criticized me for that decision to which I say "that's what I needed to do" and a daughter acted on my behalf and drove with a friend so as to get my car so I didn't have to drive. Another daughter hopped a plane, my sister hopped a plane. One daughter waited for her husband to get home. We all did what we needed to do in order to walk through the dark shock stage.
I offer the book ON DEATH AND DYING and although it was written years ago and for patients with life zapping issues, it helped me.
We all have this road to walk ... we are not alone.
Peg in San Diego
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My Mother passed away September 24th of this year and I feel her prescence even though she has gone to Heaven to be with Jesus. She was 78 years old. I am the next to youngest of 5 siblings being the youngest Daughter of 4 girls and the last one a boy 4 years younger than me. I remember hearing her last breath and telling her I'd see her later in Heaven about 30 minutes before she died. She was in so much pain really bad for about a year but had pain years before she died. Having Gillian Barre , diabetes,TB Bladder Disease, wearing a cathether for at least 3 years, kidney failure and staff a infection was more than her tired body could take. She made a comment to my sister whom was her and daddy's caregiver that she felt half dead. Thats a horrible thing to hear your Mother say but she had suffered for so long. I think about her every day because she's a part of me and I know she wouldn't want her children being sad ALL the time because she has physically left us. Mothers don't want that for their children if they love them and I know our Mother really did Love us so very much. Sometimes she had a strange way of showing it but gee whiz she had 5 kids to contend with even though we were grown and a husband that couldn't take NO for an answer. I'm surprised she was with us as long as we had her in our lives.The circle of life never ceases to amaze me and those that leave us sometimes are the ones that will be with us always and you know, they are, right in our hearts and minds always... You'll be ok as I know I will be. Others love you more than you know.
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My father passed away 15 months ago. I took care of him while he was ill and was the only child out of four that lived near him. I think I started grieving when he and I accepted that he would not be able to recover from his strokes. I can accept that he is gone, and I know he wanted to be free of the machines he was attached to ,but grief hits me at odd moments even after 15 months. I think the memories that make me cry, smile, and laugh are gifts. I find myself crying at odd moments in church or during a movie he loved. I think we travel a road during grief that is very bumpy and a bad day is to be expected. I was overwhelmed for a long time because of the severity of my father's illness while his intellectual ability was basically normal. I know I am rambling, but I think I want you to know that grief is a personal journey. There are definite steps as we go through grief but you may go through them in your own way and time. Just try to smile as you remember the gift of a special memory. I always tear up and smile when I smell a Jamaican cigar, his favorite. It is almost like Dad has given me a hug. Write us whenever you need to do so. You brought up an important topic. Thank you.
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My mother passsed away on Oct 27,2011. She was 98 and lived with me for the last 5 years. I am an only ( but I have a wonderful husband, children and grandchildren) although I was the primary caregiver. My mom was sick, especially the last 6 -12 months. She had terminal cancer and was allergic to alot of meds including morphine. I was "hospice" at the end. My husband and I were with her as she took her last breaths. The last 5 years we had our ups and downs and we did resolve everything between us. I thought about her every day before she passed and I still think about her every day since then. I know she is in a better place and free of suffeing and pain so that does comfort me but I still can't beleive she is gone.
I still want to run into her room to tell her something that happened today.
I miss her every day and will try to remember the good things and happy times before she got really sick.
It took me a long time to realize( and therapy) that I was glad that she was with me until the end. I hope that I did enough.
May God bless all the caregivers who take care of someone.
oneand only
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We have a lot in common. I am also the youngest of seven children and am dealing with the end stages of alzheimers disease with my mother right now. She is my best friend and we used to do everything together. I can't even go shopping without crying because she was always there with me to say how cute or ugly something was LOL. My father died 18 years ago, so I know the feeling of losing a parent. We were also very close. I cry everyday just imagining the loss of my mother, which I know is coming and just can't bear the thought. You never fully recover from the grief. What happens is everyday you notice that you may not have cried quite as long or were able to complete a task without running for the tissues. It takes a long, long time. I still think of my father everyday, but I can now talk about him without balling after 18 years. Everyday, I try and take a deep breath whenever I feel myself falling into the abyss of pain that seems to surround my life right now. God bless you and keep you
kristy
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Rosehooks, this is for you. I am not a physician but, nevertheless, I can tell that your comments are pretty clearly telling us all that you are suffering from deep depression. There are prescription medications that will help you get through this terrible time in your life. Please think about yourself and talk to your physician about what's available. The old expression, "Better living through chemistry" is not a joke.
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I am so sorry that your mom passed away. My father died 7 years ago on tomorrow and he was a hard working man all his life. Coming from a large family,, every coped and still in their own way. I think that grief has its own thumbprint within a person. Its wonderful that you have a good support system and comfort. Time is the ultimate healer and remember you are a mom and your kids need you to be healthy for them. My father didn't want to go he told me. He was 77 with heart problems. That made it rough for me have to deal with it. It is sad the way a person passes sometimes and that makes it harder. Your mom raised a beautiful person and passed down a treasure within herself which is you. Be blessed and thank God for your family and friends being there for you.
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It becomes easier to cope with a parents death as time goes by. The longer the time is from the time of passing the easier it is to cope. The length of time that it takes to get over the grieving process depends on the individual. Hope this helps. :-) Wayne
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HI Millie, I still have my Mom with me, who has alzheimers, but I do understand your grief. I lost my Dad 11 years ago and he was my best friend. I did two things. #1 I started a room makeover project and #2 every time I thought of my Dad I wrote down things he said. I now have a book called "Things Dad used to Say" next to my bed, makes me feel close to him. I always heard (still do), his advice in my brain and I wrote it all down. I figure if I died I would hope someone would remember me and talk about me, so talk about her, write a little book on her, give your children her advice and hang in there, it does get better.
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I agree that this is a process and you have to find time for the process so you can heal. But you also mention that you have 3 children who need you just like you needed your mom. Hopefully that dynamic will help you heal. I also agree that counseling can help you work through the grief process and minimize the damage that could occur without effective management.

Rereading this it sounds cold, so I just want to add that I have faced this grief process, my dad died 12 years ago today and my husband committed suicided 15 years ago. My mother is very ill and not expected to last long, and I know that it will be hard when she passes. So, I am not offering advice that I have not taken. I am sorry for your very real loss, and glad you have children. I have two and it helped me. God bless.
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My dad passed away in June, 2006. Today, Nov. 3rd is his birthday. He'd have been 97. This morning, I went to the cemetery and placed flowers at his grave. I did not go there to mourn,I went to celebrate his life and what he meant and still means to me. Everything we did together, things he taught me, have had such an impact on my life and given me direction. My father may be physically gone, but he lives on through me and my children and the things we experienced with him. Sounds kinda' deep and even somewhat hokey, but it's not. It's how I feel. I just hope that I'll have the same effect on my kids and grandkids. I hope that you will be comforted in knowing that all your mom's efforts and energies will continue to live on through you and the impact you have on other people's lives. I'm not a deep, spiritual person, but I do believe that those that have influenced our lives continue to do so even after they're gone.
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I am also sorry for your loss. I can feel your pain. My mom passed away 3 months ago and also had Alzheimers. People tell me it was a blessing since she was so sick at the end. I had to make the decision to turn off life support. Sometimes it's hard for us to understand why it would be good for someone to die. I selfishly still wanted her here for me.
I have tears in my eyes writing this. I have had trouble with grieving...For the first month, I felt the need to tell everyone I spoke to. I still feel like I need to share my grief, but people are sometimes uncomfortable when you tell them. So I try to talk to my daughter and husband when I need support. I do think talking about it helps, and it helps you work through all the thoughts going through your head.
My father is in the nursing home now, and I am left with cleaning out the house. I have tried a couple times, but the memories make it difficult. After 3 months, I still haven't removed her clothes.
So I guess I'm saying like everyone else. After only being through this for a short time, it looks like there will always be an ache in my heart. It hasn't gotten any better, but life must go on and I am better at facing people each day. I am hoping time will help me cope, but that ache will always be there.
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Millie,
My mom passed away 3 weeks ago in our home from alzheimer's. I bought a house 6 months ago so I could take care of her and let her die in a loving environment with her family. Even though I've had the last few months to get used to the idea, her death still hurts. I was with her so much that now, alone, I feel as if I'm missing my right arm. But I am not in despair because I feel that I did everything I could to make her last months happy and to assure her she was loved. My religious beliefs comfort me knowing she is in heaven with my father and all her dear ones that passed before her. God gave me a wonderful mother and father to have for as long he deemed right. We are all really "on loan" to the world until God decides to call us back home. When I feel particularly blue I just try to remember that I was blessed to have them while I did and that, when I'm reunited with them, it will be forever. I know that she would want me to continue to live the best life I can in testament to my parents' loving care and my faith in God. Millie, I hope that sharing these thoughts with you gives you a little comfort. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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There is no stock answer for your question. Everyone morns the passing of a loved one differently. My father passed a little over 5 years ago. We were not just father and son, we were best friends. We did everything together. For me it was time that helped me get over his death from CHF. I still miss him and everything we did together, but I have all those memories to hold onto to and they make me smile everytime I think about them.

I know my father would not have wanted me to morn him forever. Based upon what you said about your Mom I doubt she would want you to morn her forever and not continue with your life. You indicated that your Mom was a rock. You are her daughter and have those same traits within you. Find them and become the rock for your kids and pass on the love your mother gave to you. Mom will always be watching and I think it would make her proud if you would do this.

You also have to be happy for your Mom. She is no longer suffering from Alzheimer's. It is such a nasty disease not only for the person who has it but also for those who love that person.

Let go, but never forget.
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I am so sorry to hear about your mom. There are no "right" words to console anyone on a precious loss like this. As a 59 year old male, I still think of my mom and its been over 25 years ago. She passed on at one week before her 65th birthday never saw her first Social Security (retirement check).

My only advice to you is to be happy you have your children to give you strength. Try to think of their future. They need your guidance, and strength. Surround yourself with your friends/family both at home and at the workplace.

How do your siblings feel about your loss? Get together and discuss the good things your mom did for you to keep the family together. Talking about the "old times" helps to bring a smile and relieves tension.

My dad is 89 now and still misses her. He never re-married. He is now in an assisted living community surrounded by good, caring people and friends and this helps him cope. How I will deal with his death.. probably like I did with my mom. Have a good cry and let all of my emotions release. But I know he is a good provider, protected our country in W.W. II, and overall a rock solid good human being and that will help me cope.

But if you feel very depressed ALL the time, a professional counselor will give you better tips on coping with this loss. Never forget your children and family/friends need you, too! You will survive this, it is a natural thing in our lives.
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Millie, let me start by saying I feel your pain! I lost my daddy 6 months ago to Alzhemier's/Dementia on Good Friday. My daddy was my all. I lost my Mother at the age of 19, and I'm now 47 so he played a dual role in my life for 29 years after the death of my Mother. The pain of loosing him is sometimes more than I care bare. There are days when I literally dont want to get out of bed, days where I dont want to do anything at all but just sit around and think about him. I know my Father wouldn't want this, but for now I just can't help it. I try not to bother my Husband and there are times that I hide my tears from him because I dont want him to feel like when is this going to stop. I feel so alone and empty inside. All of my life my Father would tell me how much he loved me and as along as he is living I didnt have to want or need for anything. Oh how I miss hearing the I love you, and hey my baby doll soooo much. My tears are not selfish tears or wishing and wanting him back because I know his dying was God's will. I just miss him and the laughs. Also my thoughts of him are never the sad thoughts they are all good thoughts. Please hold on to the Good Memories dont think of the sadness, and thank God for blessing you with such a Great Parent because there are so many people out honestly cant say that they had good or great Parents. I tried Grief Counseling through the Hospital where he was a Patient but for some reason I didnt find it helpful. I'm in search of finding another counselor where i dont have to pay because I need it. I have many friends that i can talk to but who wants to hear of this? especially if they havent gone through it themselves. Each person greives differently with time. I dont want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way I want the pain to go away.
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It is 2 years now since my Mother passed away and I still find it very hard to move
on, I have some councilling, but it is taking a long time.
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Mom passed away 9/27 from Alzheimer's dementia. The whole experience from her moving in with me and seeing her change physically and mentally, wrecking her car and ending up in a nursing home was the most gut wrenching, upsetting experience ever. It feels like I've been thru some kind of war.

Knowing she's in heaven, a better place, makes me smile. I cry every day but afterwards I look around me and see how blessed I am. I especially take comfort in exploring my new found faith in God, in the beauty of nature, and my true friends and family. I remember whispering to her "I love you, see you in about 20-30 years." That sort of made me feel a little better, knowing our separation is temporary. It's just so hard to live the new "normal", as they say. My Mom was my best friend. We did everything together, the best companion! I often think about how Mom would handle something or what would she say about a certain subject. I know she wouldn't want to see me moping around. She was a feisty lady!

Have you been through bereavement counseling/classes? I'm starting mine this Sunday at a church I like. Keeping busy seems to help too. Try a new routine or tradition with your kids. Sometimes I have to make myself try something new or to change an attitude. I also take an antidepressant medication and have been talking to a psychiatrist for awhile. Maybe it's time to talk with your doctor.

Hope you feel better soon.
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MILLIE:

If there were a cookie-cutter formula for grief, I'd have gotten over mine years ago. Dad passed away in 1997, and I thought I'd never bring myself to accept it. But to move on, we have to. ACCEPTANCE, the 5th Stage of Grief, is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is permanent.

I see so much of my Dad in my sons and grandsons. The body's gone, but his spirit lives on. Instead of sitting in a corner mourning his passing, I celebrated his life and legacy. Cleansing tears flow once in a blue moon and I miss him so much. But life goes on. With or without me.
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My Mom passed 6 weeks ago from Alzheimer's. She was with me the last 3 yrs, and passed right here in my home while I was holding her. My condolences on you loss. Losing a parent (at any age, and whether we close to them or not), is one of the greatest losses of our lives for so many reasons.

When my dad died suddenly back in 1989, I asked an acquaintance who had lost her father while she was in her teens, how long it took her to 'get over it'. She said 'I'll let you know." She was 35 at the time.

I still mourn my dad's death, my husband mourns his mom's - I'm talking choked up tears in your eyes mourning, more often than you'd think, and they've both been gone more than 20 yrs.

With Mom, it still being so fresh, and still dealing with the legalities and all, I find it helps to 'compartmentalize' my grief. Acknowledge it, cry, scream, write on a board like this, etc., but find a time and place for the grief.

In the beginning I told everyone (lady on the train, check-out clerks, phone solicitors) bursting into tears each time. I don't do that so much now. I talk to her, I cry over her, but I tend to do it when I'm alone.

Of course there will be a "perma-sadness" attached to Mom's death, just as there is with my dad, but I still have a life to live, and I chose not to live it in perpetual, ongoing grief. She would not want that for me - and I am sure your Mom would not want that for you.
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