Narcissistic mother becoming very racist. She demanded an aide who is black to bow to her and call her Madam. I am absolutely horrified. Having trouble wrapping brain around this and don’t know what to tell the aide. Flowers just don’t seem to cut it for having to deal with this. Clearly, whoever is taking care of her is a saint. Mother seems to think all the aides are servants and is increasingly rude. I really don’t know what to do. She is in a memory care unit. She also just feigned a suicide attempt we think to maybe get one of the aides in trouble or as a grab for attention. She said an aide bought her Tylenol on request and she took the bottle. They never found a bottle after searching her room. I’m tired and confused and trying to square my mother’s behavior along with her personality disorder. What do I do?
Look, Burnt. A memory care facility is for people who say a lot of verbal insults. Part of YOUR job is not to react in kind, which you have, or get in their face like a big ol guy, which you have, or curse at them like u have. And then, you say you have pepper spray just in case they get super ornery.
I think that many of us have made serious efforts to move far beyond our racist backgrounds. However, buried in long-rejected belief systems there may be imprints from a very early age that can possibly resurface if/when we lose our minds. That does not make racist behavior or language right--ever!--but it may provide a degree of comprehension.
If I ever start acting out like this please make me impersonate the Voodoo Queen Marie Laveau portrayed by Angela Bassett in American Horror Story who fights off some legacies of racism. I doubt I will have her biceps or cheekbones, but at least let me have the dignity to try to overcome the most embarassing and hateful moments of this great country's history as my brain fails.
I work in hospice we always assign a music therapist, a chaplain and a social worker as these deeply ingrained cultural things we learn at the youngest of ages, sadly like the history of racism or music or religion the last things that people remember.
I serve sometimes as a music volunteer, bringing in a karaoke microphone in pure medicaid communities, where they don't have money for "activities." The residents cry, get up, dance, sing along or there tremors or pain stops for a few minutes because music one of the first things we learn as fetuses even in the womb.
In hospice as absurd as it would sound, professionals would consider this painful awkward racism stuff as normal decline of the brain and her only way to keep a grip on things as her brain fails. And everyone involved getting paid to deal with the brain organ failing.
A few years back when I went to see my grandmother at the nursing home, she told me to kill one of the black nurses. I was beyond appalled. Yes, she had Alzheimer's and dementia, but I was still appalled.
Once my grandmother was far enough away, I went to the nurse in question and whispered to her twice "I'm sorry."
I work in hospice, it gets dark. I crack jokes to deal with it as it keeps me from getting depressed or losing perspective.
Sadly disorientation to person place and time a difficult symptom of Dementia (and all mental illnesses). Sometimes we get to deal with the verbal insults from a paranoid parent or spouse or child with dementia or other mental illnesses.
One lady told me her husband of 70 years got this way towards the end with religion and race before he stopped speaking altogether. She said sometimes she wanted to take a pillow to hold over his head. Issues with speech means late stage and part of agitation.
Professionals don't discriminate against anyone's end of life symptoms. Memory care workers choose to work in that.
Hospice all about comfort during a difficult time. As absurd as it may sound, we will work around it as we would with every other case.
I have always wondered how paramedics or fire fighters run towards crisis everyone else runs from it. People in eldercare the same way, they get addicted to helping during a difficult time. Sometimes just confiding any anxieties this has caused enough with the caregivers as I truly believe caregivers find peace in helping others.
Eventually she won't speak at all as the body shuts down altogether. I would show some sympathy to the caregivers, and yourself, saying thank you for caring for my mom, explain any discomfort using I statements.
I remember that American Horror Story season. I was glued to that TV.
Aides in these facilities don't pay that mess any mind especially when a resident is in the deep throes of dementia.
Like I've said before when a person is so far into their dementia that they're regressed into being ill-tempered toddler, at that point you do just have to ignore it. That's a whole different thing. Sometimes medication helps. Sometimes not.
I work in home care and have gotten strange things said to me at times. Not racist thank goodness. I just smile and continue to work.
Aides will document the incident and complete tasks. By now, word has gotten around that Miss Daisy throws racist remarks.
It's strange, how these elderly may forget family members, spouses and what they ate for breakfast, but this racism is never forgotten.
if they say its a problem, then ask them what if anything you can do to help with it. If they suggest telling the doctor, or considering medication treatment, then you can investigate it with the doctor etc. I have found at my dad's current place, the leadership is good with this and tell me what they can handle, and what is becoming a problem. Then we discuss it to find out the best course of action. But if they are not worried about the behavior, then dont stress yourself over it.
As you suggest, memory care staff are variable on how they handle such behavior but some are truly saint-like and they can go about their day seemingly without yelling etc bothering them. If they are having trouble dealing, they have their leadership to reach out to.
I took care of seniors with dementia for many years. The MC staff has seen it all so let them handle her. I find that even when a person has dementia, when their behavior doesn't get them the desired attention they want, they will take it down a notch. If they're so far gone that they no longer possess any self-awareness that's a different story.
Years ago I was a supervisor at a nice AL facility. We had residents with dementia and one in particular. A woman who every time she saw me walk by would say, 'there goes that fat b*tch again'. Everyone said she had a "broken" brain and just to ignore her. One day, I lost my temper just a little. I'm a human being and no one is perfect. I rounded on her and backed her up against the wall. I got about an inch away from her face and asked her to repeat what she just said. Of course, she got flustered and upset.
She never spoke that way to me again and I worked there for two more years and she was still a resident too.
It's okay to correct these people when they're going to far even when they have dementia. The same way you'd correct a child. No one is bowing to your mother or calling her madame. That's not happening. She either gets used to it or no will even try to engage with her.
Those that work in memory care I'm sure have seen and heard it all at this point so I wouldn't give it another thought.
And perhaps it's best that you only visit your mother now once a week or every other week, as your visits seem to be too stressful for you.
A big amen to that.
Without the filter.
Which somehow hurts all the more.
BUT, that faulty filter of hers had no issue telling me there was no way I gave birth to my son. She used "brown", instead of the word I know she wanted to use instead but also knew I would have cussed her TF out and not returned if she had. I'm telling you, when the "experts" say they can't help it, sure, the filter is working...but they do absolutely know what they are saying. If they didn't, they would use that word to refer to anyone, not just a specific set of people.
I also wholeheartedly believe that dementia patients who have always had that tendency or potential are the only ones that ever utter it. I think it comes easier to those who, at some point in their life, it was a regular part of their everyday vernacular. And it will never go away until that word no longer exists.
I limit my visits and have gone Grey Rock, which outrages my mother as I no longer snap to attention nor react. And so she calls me fat and ugly.
We have concluded that she is grasping for the most outrageous, most hurtful, most forbidden, most reaction-provoking words she knows. Dementia has destroyed her filter and she will resort to anything to inflict pain or to get her way. She does not process why the world doesn’t revolve around her, anxious to do her bidding.
When she gets her way she turns sweet as sugar.
You're doing the right thing going 'Grey Rock' with your mother because she behaves abusively to you. Everyone will give you the schtick about 'broken brains' and 'broken filters', but you know what? Abuse is still abuse even when it comes from a demented person and no one has to subject themselves to it.
You've been posting on the forum for a long time. From what I've seen your mother has pretty much treated you this way most of your life. Forcing youself to endure it now because she's been placed is something you do not have to do and I hope you don't suffer one moment of guilt or self-doubt for going 'Grey Rock'.
She's sweet as sugar when she gets her own way. Treat others with abuse and contempt to get what you want and when they're been sufficiently hurt and broke down, they'll give in and do my bidding. Hasn't this been her M.O. your entire life?
Good for you limited your interactions with her toxicity and abuse.
I DO remember a time long ago when we had few black nurses for whatever reason in my hospital, and when we not many years out of the dark ages. And I recall mean remarks and even refusals by oldsters-- and not only a black person, but an Asian Nurse (with of course the litany of "I cannot understand a thing she says") or a male nurse. And on you go.
At that time we had one African American RN on our ward (yes we are talking barely out of the dark ages; I am 82 now). Her name was Helen. We had received a patient on a guerney from ER and it was Helen's turn for the admit so I was helping her get the patient transferred from guerney to bed.
The patient ignored Helen and kept addressing me until finally Helen said "Mrs __________, I am your nurse" to which the old bat said "I don't WANT you--I want HER" pointing to me. Helen was fine. She said "Yes, I understand, but you aren't GETTING her".
I however ended over the coffemaker in tears at the humiliation of my friend.
An old Irish RN near retirement came up to comfort me and said in her lovely brogue, "You know, my dear, things change one coffin at a time".
I never forgot it.
I am surprised there is still so much racism, but I am telling you now that there are PLENTY of black RNs, and they are used to it and they can handle it and they do understand that things change one coffin at a time. They are often very courageous in the face of pain.
So you want to make that gal's day? Take her aside and tell her "I apologize for Mom. Truth is she's a racist, and not otherwise a very nice person as well. She doesn't just hate you, she hates everyone, including me. I know you know that things change one coffin at a time, and hers is on the way". Thank her for her professionalism. That's it. All you can do. You aren't your mom and you aren't responsible for her. She was never very nice. Still isn't, and now lives in disinhibition. It's all hanging out.
That's it. That's how we deal. With honesty. Moving on. Weeping when we must, laughing when we can, working hard, keeping our own minds and hearts clean as we can and steady in the fray. There's an old Jewish saying that we are not required to FINISH the work, but neither are we allowed to refrain from it. Something like that. Hope someone remembers the quote.
Think that is how it goes.
One time I took her in for some labwork and the tech was a person of color (Cuban). I took the tech aside and apologized in advance and she just smiled and said, "No worries, it happens all the time, we're used to it and it doesn't offend me. She can't help it."
Another time an aid came to her house (an African American) and I again intercepted her to apologize and gave her the option to leave and I would also pay for her full hours anyway. She also gave the exact same response. There are many other examples my family caregivers experienced. No aid or nurse ever went off in a huff or left in advance. Like lealonnie1 pointed out, it goes with the territory if one is going to work with demented elders.
My Aunt used to regularly accuse me of being a murderer (stabbing people to death). I'm pretty sure she didn't think I was a murderer in my youth, so if people think that the racist comments that percolate to a demented person's surface is always proof that they were covert bigots in their youth, please rethink this. Is it possible? Of course, but it doesn't apply to every elder.
I'm more sensitive to these issues because of the systemic racism issues in the US that evolved after slavery that still exist today. Black women worked in households and they were treated less than human.
So no, unfortunately, I do not share the same sentiments of laughing at a situation that has been a problem in the US from day one.
I'm not responding to anymore of these posts because if this behavior is coming out because of dementia or some other sort of illness, it's been dormant. There is no longer a filter involved to curtail the behavior.
If so, have them check for A-fib, even if mom hasn't had heart issues.
This exact behavior happened to my FIL after experiencing an episode of A-fib when he was in the hospital following cancer surgery. He was a dear man, who never, ever had a bad word to say about - or to - anyone, but overnight he became nasty, saying some truly horrible racist things to the hospital workers. He also became extremely paranoid and was convinced he was being held against his will. We were mortified, but the nurses all told us this was part and parcel of the A-fib, and to not worry about it, the behavior would pass, and he would not likely remember anything about it, which is exactly what happened. We had never heard of such a thing, but the nursing staff just laughed and said it was very common in patients who had experienced an A-fib episode as severe as my FIL's had been.
One thing one RN taught me is that you never accept disrespect from a client or patient, dementia or not.
Paranoia and accusations are par for the course in dementia. However, with racism involved, many black people have been jailed, or fired from jobs because of accusations of this nature. I worked for an agency years ago where an aide was accused of something and had to go to court over some nonsense accusation made by a client. She won the case. However, sometimes it does get this far.
When I have Caucasian clients, I'm polite, but when accusations and the servant attitude starts, I'm out of there. Sometimes it is best to replace the aide with their own race. I will document the incident, but I will not return to the client . This happens with clients of other races as well. It's a form of paranoia that comes with the territory of dementia. I have been accused of stealing and blocked on steps. Once a client gets physical, I'm done. It just shows that whomever is in charge is not taking proper measures to insure that the client or the aide is well protected in these situations. It makes the job harder and very unpleasant. Racists remarks will make my radar go up and I'm extra careful around these types.
Also, it depends on the client and if they are willing to cooperate with the aide and the care they receive. Sometimes it's best to switch the aide. They may like you one day, and the very next day, you may be their worst enemy.
No, we do not get used to being around racists and rudeness. It makes the job very unpleasant and disconcerting. I would assume that these matters are handled differently in a facility than in home care.
You are to do nothing. Let the staff handle mom and if she gets out of hand, she'll need a geriatric psychiatrist to see her and prescribe calming meds.
Its not your job to calm her down or to apologize for moms behavior. It goes with the territory. You meet her at HER level now, which is not to say you agree with her words, you just ignore them. Change the subject.
Best of luck to you.