MIL with dementia who lives with us has basically quit showering and changing clothes. She gets upset if I try to assist her. We have tried home care but she will not permit the aide to do anything. We frequently remind and suggest bathing but she insists she has already done it. She has not of course. I am not sure if she thinks she has bathed or if she just doesn't want too. We put a chair in the shower and also the handheld wand. We offered to remove these things in case she just doesn't like them but she said no. I really think my husband, his brother and father need to start looking for placement, but they just seem unable to make the decision. In the meantime how do I get this dear lady to wash?
Thank you.
I used to have to battle my non- dementia mother about bathing and tried several approaches: the first two I wouldn’t recommend for you to try due to the dementia, but hopefully you will get a chuckle out of it. One time I brought the garden hose inside, stood in front of mom in Her Chair blocking the tv, aimed the nozzle at her and said, “ the water might be a little cold at first” and we glared at each other for a minute or two and I told her to reach for the sky and she finally agreed to take a shower. The second time I simply told her that when you have more cheese than Wisconsin, it’s an issue. Have you offered to help her shower meaning she just sits in the chair and you do the shampooing washing and rinsing? This worked for my mom. As Ahmijoy said, she could be afraid of falling or something. Offer to help her shower including you shaving her legs, maybe a mini pedicure by doing a sugar scrub on her feet, try bribing her with a fragrant soap and body lotion in a scent that she likes- present it to her as a ‘day spa’ session special for her or something of the sort. If she does have a fear of falling etc, presenting it like this let’s her know she won’t be alone cause you’ll be there with her. Good luck and let us know what works.
susan xoxoxo
I recommend watching a program on PBS called America, it is about grandsons caring for their 93 year old grandmother and how they accomplished baths and incontinence care etc. It was very informative. Grandma obviously had dementia.
When I tried to do a search for that before, I got a lot of objects like handles and chairs etc.... Finding the specific professional, did not come up. In any event she is refusing any and all assistance.
When we tell her she hasn't bathed she says "you people are crazy".
So long story short , “Wash up or Move out!”
Its tough love, but you need to be firm,elders always get mad and seem difficult. But they’re scared and sometimes don’t know how to handle things like before.
Good luck
I wish I'd known about these no rinse bath and hair products years ago. Hospitals and rehab centers use them, so do caregivers. Give them a try; they're well worth it.
And it lets the older person retain dignity as well as a sense of control. I would NEVER EVER again try to convince or force someone into a shower.
I have a couple of questions and ideas that might help your aide to get a bath done.
Is the chair a shower chair? These things get cold, so a hand towel will help make her more comfortable.
Is your bathroom bright? Depth perception is affected by age and bright bathrooms can feel like a fall waiting to happen. Hang something up to define the shower space with color, make sure that there is enough light.
Let her determine the water temperature, even if it feels to cold or hot, if she is good with it work around your discomfort, gloves help with temperatures.
Give her a towel or a cape to cover herself for modesty. I would also give a a big fluffy wash cloth to cover her face when her hair is being dealt with. Always try to avoid water cascading down her face, it can feel like water torture because they don't remember not to breathe in.
Put a space heater in the room and get the temperature comfortable for a wet body.
Use products that are gentle and low sudsing.
Have a plan to get in, get it done and get out as quickly as possible. She sits down and you wet a wash rag for her to clean herself or for the helper to do this, while she is rinsing herself off her hair is being washed, after her hair move to the areas that couldn't be reached sitting down, let her hold on to the wall or grab bar while she is cleaned or let her clean her nether regions, but she has to do a good job or it needs to be done for her, sit down after a good rinse and give her a dry towel as her feet are being cleaned, turn the water off and start drying as quickly but gently as possible, always let her have a dry towel in addition to the towels being used by others.
This can literally get to a 5 minute operation.
Tonight when the aide gets there, have everything ready, help her get it done and when mom says she already did it, laugh lovingly and say it's already time again, gently body route her into the bathroom and make encouraging comments the entire time as you give her step by step instructions or tell her what you are going to be doing. I am going to shampoo your hair now, so you'll feel me giving it a good scrub. Doing great, just a sec longer, oh doesn't that feel so good. You get the idea.
The hardest thing to do is to not let her say no. She may cry and rant and rave, but that is okay. How many times have you given a crying kid a bath? That is their choice, bathing isn't.
You can do this!
Arlyle,
This is a VERY common topic wrt the elderly, in general, and those with dementia, in particular. You have to understand that your MIL isn't refusing to bathe just to anger you, and you can't reason or argue with a person who has dementia.
I think early on in my MIL's AD, her lack of showering was mainly due to the difficulty/hassle of the process. She wanted to be clean, but the ordeal of getting undressed, turning on the water, having a towel ready, having a change of clothes picked out and ready, making sure to hold onto something and don't slip, etc. was just overwhelming for her. She also wanted to be independent and do it all herself; so, in the end, she would simply wash her face and rub her head with a washcloth and call it a shower. To her, it was exactly the same thing.
Now, in the later stages of my MIL's AD, there seems to also be a real fear of the process. She may be afraid of the water (not uncommon with AD patients, as their depth perception changes), or she may be afraid of falling, but I think the fear of failure is what really gets to her deep down. She doesn't even fully understand it, I think, but what we consider a simple thing, like choosing something to wear after a shower, has become a traumatic experience for her.
I don't know the stage of your mother's dementia, but the best advice I can give is follow Isthisreallyreal's advice, and do NOT threaten, try to reason, or argue with her. Be a guide and helper and be positive. If you do this, it will get easier, I promise!
Here is an article I found extremely helpful...
https://www.alzheimersreadingroom.com/2014/04/5-tips-how-to-get-alzheimers-patient-to.html
All the best!
she has the salon there shampoo her hair once a week.
i did have an aide help her shower in the beginning when she moved in, as she had just been in hospital and was a little unsteady. Later I found out she wasn’t showering at all, and she refuses the aide to help her. she said the experience of being watched traumatized her. So, I offered to “stand guard” outside while she showers, but she still refuses. That tells me she is simply overwhelmed by the whole process.
so I monitor her for any smell, and condition of her skin overall. So far she’s ok.
on my Mothers privacy I asked a retired Nurse Who Mom had a great bond
of friendship with to call for four hours one day every week to look after Moms hygiene, showering and checking for bed sores etc, which my Mother thank God never had, and to check on Moms over all general health. On
Nurse Helens first visit Mom refused to take a shower but agreed on the second attempt and there after. This really made a huge difference to Mom.
She looked beautiful again, and was much happier in Herself. I used to say to
Mom ( You look beautiful Mammy, Marlyn Monroe eat Your Heart out You are
stunning. This gave Mom a lift and it encouraged my Mother to take a shower
more often and She did. Showering is so vitally important as well as limiting
UT's. Good Luck Arlyle.
Hint: remove all other products from the bath area. They don't read well anymore, and once found my Mom using lotion for her hair, instead of shampoo.
Hope this Helps.))xxoo
I would try asking what she doesn’t like about showering. For my mom she cannot tolerate cold. Oh I also got a really soft bristled body brush A wonderful foot cleaning mat and very nice smelling soaps to make more pleasurable. We present it like a wonderful treat. Sometimes it works! Good luck- I know it can be hard.
Also, don't "ask" her to take a shower or change clothes. Making it part of her daily routine as in "time to take your bath" and "time to get dressed/changed". Allow her choices in clothing and make bath time about prettying up may also help.
I hadn’t seen him move that fast in a long time. He went right off and took his shower. I think, that inside some of these people, there still resides an eagerness to please. Decide who you feel your MIL is most responsive to or seems to favor and use that person’s name;
“John would be so happy if you took your shower...”
After this worked for my dad, my mom tried it on him herself and told him how happy she would be if he showered. He told her he was too sore from yesterday’s shower to make her happy. Mom and I had a giggle over that later on. It doesn’t always work but on a good day it does.
Best of luck.
We all like to be hugged - use your imagination and take it one day and one step at a time. Start with her arms, legs and/or back - do whatever she will allow. Be extremely gentle as her skin is most likely thin and sensitive.
Are YOU MIL's primary caregiver? If so, then how do you feel about it? There's more to her care than the bathing issue, right?
Many years later when she gave me problems about bathing, I remembered how she got me in the tub and used this tactic on her. When I would show up after work to assist her with bathing, clean sheets would be put on her bed and laundry gathered to begin after her bath. Then I would look at her and say "ready to take that bath?" to which she would reply "I don't need a bath, I washed up already". I would then explain that I just put some fresh clean sheets on her bed and that she now had to take a bath BECAUSE "you can' put a dirty body in a clean bed". The first time I used that line, she said to me, "whoever told you that?" and when I said "you did, aren't you going to practice what you preached to me growing up?" She would get a disgusted look on her face and then say "OK, lets get this over with". Afterwards while drying her hair she would comment on how much better she felt and then take credit for living by her own words.
Long story short, I used her own psychology on her and it worked. Thanks Mom!
I have to help him shower too and it is a once a week .... grave, brave, begging, cajoling, offering treats...ordeal.
It is exhausting for him.
With MIL, after months and months, the home care gal told her it was to the nursing home or shower.
In truth, MIL had it in her head that she had just taken one...when she had not had one in months.
She was so sure she had just had one. But it took literally months of effort. Now she is in a home and looks forward to her showers that she is rolled into.
It is a huge struggle.