MIL with dementia who lives with us has basically quit showering and changing clothes. She gets upset if I try to assist her. We have tried home care but she will not permit the aide to do anything. We frequently remind and suggest bathing but she insists she has already done it. She has not of course. I am not sure if she thinks she has bathed or if she just doesn't want too. We put a chair in the shower and also the handheld wand. We offered to remove these things in case she just doesn't like them but she said no. I really think my husband, his brother and father need to start looking for placement, but they just seem unable to make the decision. In the meantime how do I get this dear lady to wash?
Thank you.
Have you thought of setting up a chart with things to be done every day and using an arrow or pointer to show the day? I found it helpful to start the day with the activities instead of waiting until evening. Doing it early helps take away the "I already did it" argument. Make a big deal about what day of the week it is and what you want done that day.
Also think of the things she may be fearful about. In addition to previous examples, streaming water can make breathing more difficult. Try leaving the door/window open and use a portable heater. One thought is she may not like the change of temperature, sort of like jumping into the pool at first, so getting her wet all over very quickly may help, even when you are using warm/hot water - it is the change, not the temperature, although warmer water is easier.
If modesty is part of the issue, let her shower in a sleeveless undershirt and a towel to cover herself. I had buttons added to make taking the shirt off easier and cut the arm holes to be larger so I could reach under the shirt. Using a favorite scented soap helps. Also, we had a big fluffy robe that helped get a lot of the water off her wet body quickly before getting dressed.
Finding a bathing specialist is difficult. Most agencies know what their aides are good at, and you can ask the agency about having one that is good with bathing.
Let us know how things work out!!
Tonight she got up off the couch walked over to me and haltingly explained that she wanted to go to bed now but did not know how to do it. This is not the first time this has happened and it kind of breaks my heart for her. Anyway, thanks to all who offered advice. I do warm up the shower and bathroom for her. I guess not everything works for everybody, so we continue one day at a time.
Over the past summer I signed on for a caregiver support program. People in my support group thought while mom would reject family assistance, she would accept it from professional/outsider types. They were inept and unambitious in spite of one working at a nursing home and one being a retired nurse. We got one of the nicest bath stools, a brand new terry robe to wrap herself up in, hand held...but they never even were close to the bathroom.
There is oddly and amazingly no overwhelming odor. For the most part she seems continent although I have once in a while come upon soiled bedding or a housecoat.
The biggest lesson I have learned is to let it go. I spent so much time fixated on doing good, fixing the problem etc...and to what end? I just take it like they say, one day at a time. I figure if my dad can still stand to sleep with her, fine. (they've been married 70+ years now!) We have a rather antagonistic relationship...so although initially I was coming home from work early to get her to a hair appt (primarily so it could be washed every two weeks because that's as much of the hassle I could stand with her), she became so uncooperative, slow, nasty, that I let dad take her. She "thinks" they are just going out to lunch on Saturday as usual...but they will hit the hair salon before or after. There is a person who does nails in the room next to her hair guy for which I am SO grateful...and once a month she charges about $18 with tip just to file and clean them. And then the toenails...oy....but we have a podiatrist who has "walk-in" days and I just let dad know when, and again it's the going out to lunch routine and he just gets her there and it happens. Like I said, I take it one day at a time...but it is not worth stressing over. I do worry about losing dad and how things will go down if that happens...but for now, it's working.
Try using different words so that it changes how the actual bath is perceived - do a quick makeover of the bathroom like different coloured towels, music, even find a different coloured light bulb so that the ambience is different - then call it the 'blue spa' if you use blue or whatever just so she thinks it is special - probably less work that all that arguing is
I once heard that the best place for a child to eat ice cream is in the tub so offer a favourite treat so that this becomes connected & if giving her a [plastic] bowl of ice cream in the tub several days a week then why not? - whatever floats her boat as they say
Also a treat I sometimes give myself is to squeeze all the air out of a bottle of body lotion then place it in the sink full of hot water so when it goes on it is gently warmed .... try it you'll like it too & no extra cost
By the way a bath every day is not necessary so try for once or twice a week & by saying it is a treat so she can't have it every day [maybe she will do it more often to spite you]
As soon as water goes off, drape large towel over shoulders and maybe another over the legs. Older people are colder w/clothes on, so a wet body would really make them chilled. It may be that she avoids the bath due to the coldness. I use the towels. I also pull out a hair dryer and blow the skin to dry my mom. The heat helps with the not so favorable cold air. I mousse and blow out hair at same time. By the time I open the door, she is completely dry and hair is done.
Your MIL may be able to shower less often than every day, but can spot wash the "critical areas" in between. Soap and water on a washcloth will do. Personal cleansing cloths are nice to use on larger areas on non-shower days. They are soothing and smell good.
Every few days, though, it is important to shower or wash all over to rinse away bacteria, dead skin, etc!
She still may never do the showering/washing on her own, but you have already said she resists having help from you or an aide. It may come to where she does not have a choice. It's not a request anymore; it is going to be done.
I have to help him shower too and it is a once a week .... grave, brave, begging, cajoling, offering treats...ordeal.
It is exhausting for him.
With MIL, after months and months, the home care gal told her it was to the nursing home or shower.
In truth, MIL had it in her head that she had just taken one...when she had not had one in months.
She was so sure she had just had one. But it took literally months of effort. Now she is in a home and looks forward to her showers that she is rolled into.
It is a huge struggle.
Many years later when she gave me problems about bathing, I remembered how she got me in the tub and used this tactic on her. When I would show up after work to assist her with bathing, clean sheets would be put on her bed and laundry gathered to begin after her bath. Then I would look at her and say "ready to take that bath?" to which she would reply "I don't need a bath, I washed up already". I would then explain that I just put some fresh clean sheets on her bed and that she now had to take a bath BECAUSE "you can' put a dirty body in a clean bed". The first time I used that line, she said to me, "whoever told you that?" and when I said "you did, aren't you going to practice what you preached to me growing up?" She would get a disgusted look on her face and then say "OK, lets get this over with". Afterwards while drying her hair she would comment on how much better she felt and then take credit for living by her own words.
Long story short, I used her own psychology on her and it worked. Thanks Mom!
Are YOU MIL's primary caregiver? If so, then how do you feel about it? There's more to her care than the bathing issue, right?
We all like to be hugged - use your imagination and take it one day and one step at a time. Start with her arms, legs and/or back - do whatever she will allow. Be extremely gentle as her skin is most likely thin and sensitive.
I hadn’t seen him move that fast in a long time. He went right off and took his shower. I think, that inside some of these people, there still resides an eagerness to please. Decide who you feel your MIL is most responsive to or seems to favor and use that person’s name;
“John would be so happy if you took your shower...”
After this worked for my dad, my mom tried it on him herself and told him how happy she would be if he showered. He told her he was too sore from yesterday’s shower to make her happy. Mom and I had a giggle over that later on. It doesn’t always work but on a good day it does.
Best of luck.