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My (widowed 10 mo) mother lives alone. She's 84.



For several years, getting her to answer texts or phone calls from myself and my sisters has been a problem. At one time, she and my father had 4 phones between the 2 of them and they would not answer any of them for hours on end. My father was bad about turning off his phones "to save the battery" instead of simply charging them daily.



She knows how to answer the phone and text. Anytime I am actually there visiting, she will answer EVERY phone call, including telemarketers!



She always claimed she could not hear the phone well, so I set the ringer loudly on her cell phone. She keeps it on her and it vibrates too. She seems to hear it very well when I'm visiting, even if it is in another room, so hearing it is not really the issue.



All she cares about concerning her phone, is Facebook.

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I can't tell if this is something she DOESN'T want to do or CAN'T do.
You seem to indicate she hears the phone very well.
I think you may be overwhelming her.
Time to start a phone tree. One of you calls one day, and the other another day, then report and text to ONE ANOTHER instead of her. See if that helps.
I am certain you already discussed this with her, but do so again, and ask her if that might not work.

I myself am 81. I would go nuts with that much texting and calling from my family. That's just me.
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Fawnby Feb 2024
It's just me, too. I love to keep in touch with family, but I don't want them interrupting my thoughts or tasks every few minutes. Thank goodness, they don't.
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My mom was the same way.

Finally, in fit of frustration, I was going to bring it up with her. While I was 'visiting' her, she got 3 or 4 calls from FRIENDS. She grabbed the phone for THEM.

It was then I realized she was putting up her own boundaries with me!

Well, good for her. I quit fussing about it and if I was really concerned about her, I'd just go to her apt and talk to her. We rarely had phone conversations. And she NEVER once texted me back, but would do so with friends.

Hey, at least your mom can access FB. That's a way to keep up with the world.
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XenaJada Feb 2024
I understand and agree and it usually is not a problem, except I live 80 miles away and intended to drive down to visit her today, which she usually wants, but I didn't want to drive down if she was not home.

I finally reached her after my original post. She had her phone turned OFF while charging it. Yet another thing she has gotten into her head, that "the phone must be turned off while charging." I'm sure my father taught her that.
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She might not like this but it is an excellent way to check on things and then let her be. Get a camera. It provides a lot of peace of mind when you see her busy on her phone or watching tv or napping or visiting with a neighbor etc. I used to watch DH aunt hearding her little dog out the door with her cane (he was blind) for his last potty before bed, then going around and turning off lights then hearding the little dog into the bedroom. Of course saw some things that weren’t so pleasant. She only answered the phone when she wanted to.
Good to see you XenaJada.
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XenaJada: Contact her through Facebook since she's more likely to view it as this is something she "cares" about.
OR if this continues, tell her that you'll have no other option than to have EMS do a welfare check. Actually this was what I told my mother when she wasn't answering her telephone. Her response - "I was situated before I said hello." I told my mother that I will have to assume she is on the floor or otherwise incapacitated.
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I think you can get her an Alexa and somehow set it up that you can talk through it.

but maybe she doesn’t want to talk to people.
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Maybe try a message through Facebook's messenger telling her you really need to speak to her and ask her to call you. If that doesn't work, try posting on Facebook telling her you have been trying to reach her and it is important that she call you. Just be sure you have something important to talk to her about... even just saying you were worried when she did not answer your texts or calls. Keep in mind if her friends see your post on Facebook it could become awkward if it annoys her... or could be positive in that she will respond to your texts better to keep you from resorting to Facebook.
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I care for my narcissist elderly aunt. I’ve learned that she purposely does not answer the phone as a way of getting me or my sister to physically come over her house to check on her. She has “cried wolf” too many times. Once my sister left a message on her answering machine that if she did not return her call in 15 minutes, she was going to have the police do a wellness check. Well, my aunt called her back in exactly 14 minutes. She was sitting by the phone the whole time listening to us leave her messages. Ha! We called her bluff that time. She wants attention and wants us to come rushing over there all the time. But yet she’ll answer telemarketers and hold a conversation with them!
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XenaJada Mar 2024
OMG. Your aunt must have been sisters with my (now deceased) aunt!

My mother will answer every call from a telemarketer as well and will have a conversation with them, even though I have repeatedly shown her how to immediately block them.
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THis is a tricky one. My dad often wont answer his phone if not convenient for him. I can be trying him all day and he won't pick up. But he's in assisted living so he's safe, and I dont worry about it.

For an elder living alone, thats more worrisome. There are some phones that can be set up to essentially auto-answer when called. YOu could look into that.

Or, next level, set up an intercom system in her house, whether just audio, or if you want, video too. Then with an intercom, she will hear you automatically, and you can set it real loud.
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Here’s an article on auto answering on an iPhone. Androids probably have the same capability.

https://www.pcmag.com/how-to/how-to-use-iphone-auto-answer
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I got two cameras, one in bedroom and one in living room……if there is a lot of movement I get notified. Mom knows it is there, but I think she forgets. She at times cannot figure the phone. At least with cameras I can check anytime…….not that she ever gets out of the chair 😡
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