How do I get my mother to answer the phone?
My (widowed 10 mo) mother lives alone. She's 84.
For several years, getting her to answer texts or phone calls from myself and my sisters has been a problem. At one time, she and my father had 4 phones between the 2 of them and they would not answer any of them for hours on end. My father was bad about turning off his phones "to save the battery" instead of simply charging them daily.
She knows how to answer the phone and text. Anytime I am actually there visiting, she will answer EVERY phone call, including telemarketers!
She always claimed she could not hear the phone well, so I set the ringer loudly on her cell phone. She keeps it on her and it vibrates too. She seems to hear it very well when I'm visiting, even if it is in another room, so hearing it is not really the issue.
All she cares about concerning her phone, is Facebook.
Finally, in fit of frustration, I was going to bring it up with her. While I was 'visiting' her, she got 3 or 4 calls from FRIENDS. She grabbed the phone for THEM.
It was then I realized she was putting up her own boundaries with me!
Well, good for her. I quit fussing about it and if I was really concerned about her, I'd just go to her apt and talk to her. We rarely had phone conversations. And she NEVER once texted me back, but would do so with friends.
Hey, at least your mom can access FB. That's a way to keep up with the world.
I finally reached her after my original post. She had her phone turned OFF while charging it. Yet another thing she has gotten into her head, that "the phone must be turned off while charging." I'm sure my father taught her that.
You seem to indicate she hears the phone very well.
I think you may be overwhelming her.
Time to start a phone tree. One of you calls one day, and the other another day, then report and text to ONE ANOTHER instead of her. See if that helps.
I am certain you already discussed this with her, but do so again, and ask her if that might not work.
I myself am 81. I would go nuts with that much texting and calling from my family. That's just me.
If she ignores notes, then there's a bigger problem and you'll need to make a decision if you're her PoA. There's not way to force someone to answer a phone that is off or they can't hear or have misplaced.
I'm concerned about her being on FaceBook as this is a major portal for senior scamming. If you are able to check her account to see who she's been interacting with, or if you are joint on her checking account I would put some protective measures in place, like get LifeLock, and also having her keep a bare minimum of money in the checking, just enough to pay bills and then every else goes into her savings so she can't give it away to thieves.
Early on in my Aunt's dementia she started signing up for every and any magazine subscription and sending donations to any organization that landed in her mailbox.
If your Mom is on medication, please check to make sure she is taking it accurately and consistently.
Yes, my mom has also given money to charities. She was mailing checks to every one she received, so of course, her name was sold to other charities and it snowballed. She gets no fewer than 10 pieces of junk mail daily. It took a bank employee telling her how dangerous it is to mail a check to get her to stop. I think several news stories on charity scams finally stopped her on that. Now she gets daily mail telling her she has won big money. I have warned her repeatedly and so far, I have seen no sign of her sending money to them. I'm aware I need to keep my eyes open for cash withdrawals as I have heard stories of people sending boxes of cash.
It greatly frustrates me that she insists on opening every piece of junk mail. I know the reason is that she is "treasure hunting." They all send junk - t-shirts, greeting cards, mailing labels, magnets, shopping bags. She hoards and has drawers and closets STUFFED with that crap.
Facebook -
On her old phone, she would tap on every screen that prompted her to do so. As a result, she hit a bad screen and porn images started regularly flooding her FB account! It was sickening.
We got her a new phone (which she needed) and set up a new FB account. I've gone through and did my best to bullet proof her account. I've lectured her a LOT about NOT clicking on things unless she wants more porn on her phone.
For an elder living alone, thats more worrisome. There are some phones that can be set up to essentially auto-answer when called. YOu could look into that.
Or, next level, set up an intercom system in her house, whether just audio, or if you want, video too. Then with an intercom, she will hear you automatically, and you can set it real loud.
https://www.pcmag.com/how-to/how-to-use-iphone-auto-answer
Good to see you XenaJada.
but maybe she doesn’t want to talk to people.
Is there anyone she knows and lives close enough that they could check on her? Otherwise maybe have a land line with a good old answering machine that announces who is calling and lets you hear any message they may leave could help. I am not familiar enough with Alexa to say anything but I guess it could help too as someone mentioned. The camera idea is a good one as well. There are some that you don’t have to be in Bluetooth range to monitor and you can check on line and some also have a two way speaker function. Does she have an emergency alert device she can wear and that can detect if she falls? My mother won’t keep hers with her unfortunately though we keep trying to get her to! Again, I’m glad she has people checking on her daily.
Good luck with it all! It can be a challenge!
My mother will answer every call from a telemarketer as well and will have a conversation with them, even though I have repeatedly shown her how to immediately block them.
My mom loves to tell me she absolutely needs her script at the drug store and I can't pick them up without out her. I know better, first I know I can , second I know there's no script.
OR if this continues, tell her that you'll have no other option than to have EMS do a welfare check. Actually this was what I told my mother when she wasn't answering her telephone. Her response - "I was situated before I said hello." I told my mother that I will have to assume she is on the floor or otherwise incapacitated.
Now...
How often do YOU call her?
Maybe back off the calls and let her call you.
If she feels like you are being a "helicopter" daughter she just might not want all the hovering and wants to be left to her own devices for a bit.
She answers calls when you are there because you are there and she knows it isn't you. The calls that she answers are from people that are not hounding her about...whatever you call her about. It could be "are you ok", "did you take your pills", and all the rest of the did you's, you should's, don't do's.
When you call do you ask her about her day, just as conversation? Not to check up on her?