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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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As I walked my mom into memory care, I said "The doctor wants you to stay here for awhile so you can get extra physical therapy". Mom loved doing PT, so this went over pretty well for her.
The first few weeks were a little rough, and if she asked about going home, I would answer "when the doctor says it's ok". She did not remember that I was the one who walked her into memory care.
She's now been there 11 months and is doing really well - much better than she had being at home with 3 shifts of caregivers. At home she was pretty much a shut-in, shuffling from room to room peering out the windows, having frequent falls, and quickly losing her words.
In memory care, she's made friends, goes on field trips, and takes part in most of the activities. She even plays drums in the MC band and proudly shows me her art projects - something she would've been too self conscious to do prior to dementia. She smiles a lot now too.
You don’t prepare him. Just take him. In our case, I told him we were meeting family members for lunch. We met them in the lobby, went to the memory care unit, ate, and then the staff took him to an activity. His room was ready for him, we left, and he had dinner in the dining room with other residents. The staff made it easy for us.
Assuming your husband has Alzheimer's which has progressed to the point where he needs full time professional care you probably don't. Many of us have used some introductory fibs when moving our person into care. I told my mom I rented her a room in assisted living for two weeks because the city needed to tear up her sewer line and she couldn't live there while they were working. I told her while loading her into the car. Even time to pack for her "two weeks" would have reduced her to tears and panic. I brought her things over myself later that day. She's been there more than half a year and loves it and has stopped asking about her house at all.
What's your situation? It's really ok to not tell people something that's going to make them upset when they don't have the cognitive ability to process it any more.
"It's really ok to not tell people something that's going to make them upset when they don't have the cognitive ability to process it any more." - well said and so true!
I told my husband he was going where people could take better care of him than I could (after seven years of caring for him at home I finally could no longer physically and emotionally do it).
I would like to say, it has been two weeks now, and he is not accepting being in long term care on hospice well. I have been told he’s bern more agitated and aggressive. He doesn’t seem to want to see me when I go, glares at me, or ignores me. I hope as time passes he will accept it is what’s best for him - and me.
But it was such a hard decision.
I am grateful for this blog, it has helped so much.
Thank you so much for your honest transparent answer. It’s not an easy decision and sometimes our loved one does not adjust. But it IS ok for caregivers to take care of themselves. Thinking of you and sending you well wishes.
I’m sorry you’re in this place. Tell him what will be most accepted and give him the most peace. He has a confused mind, no need to upset or confuse more. Think about what he will be comforted by, a familiar saying, his doctor’s recommendation maybe, or the belief it’s “just for now” Be sure his new space has items that bring him comfort and a sense of belonging. Remind yourself often that you’re doing the best you can to look out for him
We told Mom she was going to a new apartment where she would meet new people. She was a people person. She acclimated very well. I was lucky, she made things easy. She was probably in her 6th stage going into her 7th. We never mentioned home. My daughter would say she was going to work. I would just saying I was leaving and would be back later. The have no conception of time. She was loved by her aides.
My husband's sister and I decided to tell him that his doctors wanted him to participate in a temporary medical observation program at a nearby medical center, where the staff could monitor his diabetes and sleep apnea and adjust his medications if necessary. The program might be long-term, depending on what they observed, but it was temporary and I would visit him often.
We also asked the nurse from the facility to reinforce the above when she came to our home for the resident assessment a week prior to our move-in date, which she did happily. (The memory care staff were also aware of the 'therapeutic lie' so they could answer his future questions according to our wishes.)
Over the next week, friends helped me move some of his furniture, belongings and clothes to his memory care room whenever other friends took him to his usual weekly exercise and other activities.
On moving day, my sister-in-law and I said the 3 of us were going out to lunch, and drove my husband to memory care where we all ate a meal together. At that time, we reminded him about the program and told him this was the medical center his doctors recommended. We showed him his room after lunch, and then staff got him involved in activities while his sister and I quietly left.
Except for days when I've had respite, I have visited my husband every day for the past 9 months and, while there were certainly questions about why he was there and when we could go home and be together, just the two of us, my husband has accepted the move quite well overall. Not having an accurate sense of time is certainly an advantage in this case - when he asks, he believes me when I tell him he's been there "several weeks."
I hope this helps- it took my sister-in-law and I months to come up with this scenario, since how to transition him into memory care was among our greatest concerns.
This is a great way to allow him to continue to trust you going forward which is so important. Wonderful that the staff was willing to support you and SIL.
My husband went in to Memory Care in May. We used the scenario's used here and they work. My husband was fine the first 2 weeks. We had talked about respite alot. Then I was able to say that his doctor wants him to stay for now and he was good with that. After 8 weeks he is starting to have some issues. He is mad at the world and feels betrayed. There are triggers that make him feel that way, but the staff can often redirect him. I did not like lying to him but it probably saved my sanity and we did it in the nick of time because he is getting worse. What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of emotions that I have had. It can create grief. You are a good wife and my heart goes out to you.
I’m asking the larger audience, and I understand the usefulness of the therapeutic fib and I agree. I’m curious why it seems less likely that spouses and adult children caring for elderly parents don’t tell the person being cared for, I can’t do it anymore. Or, it’s ruining my health and I can’t sleep, I have severe anxiety, I’m going to lose my job, I want my family and life back, and don’t have the physical or emotional strength to care for you any longer. I’m willing to visit you and help occasionally but I don’t want to be counted on as your caregiver. I’m curious why the truth doesn’t work? Is the person being cared for because of illness or lifetime personality only interested in what is best for them? They don’t care or can’t understand what caregiving them is doing to you? Are they scared of being abandoned and mistreated in care facilities? Of Losing control and power over their spouse or family? Why is there shame in telling the truth if you want out of being a caregiver? I realize solutions may be different depending on money. But why does it not seem to be suggested or work or be okay to tell the truth? You don’t want to do it anymore. I am curious about the answers in this experienced group.
Only you and your husband's doctors know what stage he is in. I can tell you what helped us. When my mother had to go into memory care, We told her that her doctor wanted her to be with staff that can help her out and that she has people there 24 hours to do so. She kept wanting to go 'home". But since she had no concept of time anymore and it was during covid, we could tailor our answers accordingly and tell her that it was not safe to do so or that the house needed repair etc. I don't like to lie ever but therapeutic fibs with dementia are necessary.
I like the idea of "tailoring our answers" better than therapeutic fibs or lies. The biggest truth I told him was that I just want to be his wife again not his caregiver. That he needed a team. I told him gently and could see that he was trying to wrap his head around that idea. I try to reinforce it when the opportunity arises.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The first few weeks were a little rough, and if she asked about going home, I would answer "when the doctor says it's ok". She did not remember that I was the one who walked her into memory care.
She's now been there 11 months and is doing really well - much better than she had being at home with 3 shifts of caregivers. At home she was pretty much a shut-in, shuffling from room to room peering out the windows, having frequent falls, and quickly losing her words.
In memory care, she's made friends, goes on field trips, and takes part in most of the activities. She even plays drums in the MC band and proudly shows me her art projects - something she would've been too self conscious to do prior to dementia. She smiles a lot now too.
What's your situation? It's really ok to not tell people something that's going to make them upset when they don't have the cognitive ability to process it any more.
I would like to say, it has been two weeks now, and he is not accepting being in long term care on hospice well. I have been told he’s bern more agitated and aggressive. He doesn’t seem to want to see me when I go, glares at me, or ignores me. I hope as time passes he will accept it is what’s best for him - and me.
But it was such a hard decision.
I am grateful for this blog, it has helped so much.
We also asked the nurse from the facility to reinforce the above when she came to our home for the resident assessment a week prior to our move-in date, which she did happily. (The memory care staff were also aware of the 'therapeutic lie' so they could answer his future questions according to our wishes.)
Over the next week, friends helped me move some of his furniture, belongings and clothes to his memory care room whenever other friends took him to his usual weekly exercise and other activities.
On moving day, my sister-in-law and I said the 3 of us were going out to lunch, and drove my husband to memory care where we all ate a meal together. At that time, we reminded him about the program and told him this was the medical center his doctors recommended. We showed him his room after lunch, and then staff got him involved in activities while his sister and I quietly left.
Except for days when I've had respite, I have visited my husband every day for the past 9 months and, while there were certainly questions about why he was there and when we could go home and be together, just the two of us, my husband has accepted the move quite well overall. Not having an accurate sense of time is certainly an advantage in this case - when he asks, he believes me when I tell him he's been there "several weeks."
I hope this helps- it took my sister-in-law and I months to come up with this scenario, since how to transition him into memory care was among our greatest concerns.
What I wasn't prepared for was the wave of emotions that I have had. It can create grief. You are a good wife and my heart goes out to you.