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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Only you and your husband's doctors know what stage he is in. I can tell you what helped us. When my mother had to go into memory care, We told her that her doctor wanted her to be with staff that can help her out and that she has people there 24 hours to do so. She kept wanting to go 'home". But since she had no concept of time anymore and it was during covid, we could tailor our answers accordingly and tell her that it was not safe to do so or that the house needed repair etc. I don't like to lie ever but therapeutic fibs with dementia are necessary.
Im sure you have struggled for quite some time as to whether or not you should place him in a home. Now that the decision has been made move forward, you don’t have to see the whole stair case to trust that your decision is going to lead to a better and more positive experience for both of you. If you continue to remain alert to your responsibility towards him he will adjust and even if he loses his inner peace for a time he may regain it and hopefully a measure of joy. Fervent prayers can help you overcome your fears. Now the big question needs to be answered “should you discuss with your husband your decision to place him in a new living arrangement””. If you have family consult them there is accomplishment through many advisers. If your mate is still able to communicate and is willing to address the matter it may be wise to share your decision with him. You and your family are in the best position to decide what’s best for your mate so have a family meeting to discuss the care of your husband. Proverbs 15:22 “Plans fail when there is no consultation , but there is accomplishment through many advisers. This website is very helpful I’m sure you find it very resourceful but remember no one knows your loved one like you do. If you can carefully explain to your husband why you have to do this you will have met your goal.
The attitude you display is critical and a good spirit is essential for yours and his emotional well being.
I would like to commend you for all of your hard work and efforts to be supportive of your husbands needs and it’s my hope that by wisdom you will continue to do so.
This is a very difficult situation. Many of our readers have said that you don’t tell your husband he is going into care. With dementia, he may or will not know the difference. If he does ask anything, tell that he will see some newfriends!
Well, to be fair, only you know your husband well enough to know how best to communicate with him, especially a sensitive or important subject such as this.
I think it depends on many factors, such as his awareness and comprehension of his abilities and your ability to manage his care needs. Just use a kind voice and confident attitude to let him know you have found a place for him where he will be cared for 24 hours a day. It will mean you will be apart, but you will be able to visit him. Try to avoid lengthy or complicated explanations. Be reassuring that this will be good for him, and for you both. If you sound hesitant, it will create fear for him. Sound positive, keep a smile on your face.
If he won't remember tomorrow what you told him today, I don't know if you need to tell him much of anything. You can ask the care facility for advice and for help with the transition. They have done this many times and have seen it all.
My husband's sister and I decided to tell him that his doctors wanted him to participate in a temporary medical observation program at a nearby medical center, where the staff could monitor his diabetes and sleep apnea and adjust his medications if necessary. The program might be long-term, depending on what they observed, but it was temporary and I would visit him often.
We also asked the nurse from the facility to reinforce the above when she came to our home for the resident assessment a week prior to our move-in date, which she did happily. (The memory care staff were also aware of the 'therapeutic lie' so they could answer his future questions according to our wishes.)
Over the next week, friends helped me move some of his furniture, belongings and clothes to his memory care room whenever other friends took him to his usual weekly exercise and other activities.
On moving day, my sister-in-law and I said the 3 of us were going out to lunch, and drove my husband to memory care where we all ate a meal together. At that time, we reminded him about the program and told him this was the medical center his doctors recommended. We showed him his room after lunch, and then staff got him involved in activities while his sister and I quietly left.
Except for days when I've had respite, I have visited my husband every day for the past 9 months and, while there were certainly questions about why he was there and when we could go home and be together, just the two of us, my husband has accepted the move quite well overall. Not having an accurate sense of time is certainly an advantage in this case - when he asks, he believes me when I tell him he's been there "several weeks."
I hope this helps- it took my sister-in-law and I months to come up with this scenario, since how to transition him into memory care was among our greatest concerns.
This is a great way to allow him to continue to trust you going forward which is so important. Wonderful that the staff was willing to support you and SIL.
I told my husband he was going where people could take better care of him than I could (after seven years of caring for him at home I finally could no longer physically and emotionally do it).
I would like to say, it has been two weeks now, and he is not accepting being in long term care on hospice well. I have been told he’s bern more agitated and aggressive. He doesn’t seem to want to see me when I go, glares at me, or ignores me. I hope as time passes he will accept it is what’s best for him - and me.
But it was such a hard decision.
I am grateful for this blog, it has helped so much.
Thank you so much for your honest transparent answer. It’s not an easy decision and sometimes our loved one does not adjust. But it IS ok for caregivers to take care of themselves. Thinking of you and sending you well wishes.
You may be able to show him a pamphlet, take a couple of tours or a visit. Assess his congnitive status with an orientation to person, place or time. Write down the information with address, location, and phone numbers. Have another personal friend or colleague contact them or discuss with you and him together. Or you may be able to reach out to another caregiver or professional, pastor, counselor, resident, religious contact if that is something you are interested in doing. Best regards with your situation.
You DON'T tell him. You must employ Therapeutic Lying: "Oh, the doctor wants you to stay a bit longer today for some physical therapy." Or, "Oh, you're staying in this hotel tonight until they finish painting your house." Or, insert plausible excuse.
I’m sorry you’ve had a bad experience. Many have, but many have also had positive experiences. Facilities, much like people, need to be evaluated one at a time and not grouped together in one basket of all good or all bad
We told Mom she was going to a new apartment where she would meet new people. She was a people person. She acclimated very well. I was lucky, she made things easy. She was probably in her 6th stage going into her 7th. We never mentioned home. My daughter would say she was going to work. I would just saying I was leaving and would be back later. The have no conception of time. She was loved by her aides.
You don’t prepare him. Just take him. In our case, I told him we were meeting family members for lunch. We met them in the lobby, went to the memory care unit, ate, and then the staff took him to an activity. His room was ready for him, we left, and he had dinner in the dining room with other residents. The staff made it easy for us.
As I walked my mom into memory care, I said "The doctor wants you to stay here for awhile so you can get extra physical therapy". Mom loved doing PT, so this went over pretty well for her.
The first few weeks were a little rough, and if she asked about going home, I would answer "when the doctor says it's ok". She did not remember that I was the one who walked her into memory care.
She's now been there 11 months and is doing really well - much better than she had being at home with 3 shifts of caregivers. At home she was pretty much a shut-in, shuffling from room to room peering out the windows, having frequent falls, and quickly losing her words.
In memory care, she's made friends, goes on field trips, and takes part in most of the activities. She even plays drums in the MC band and proudly shows me her art projects - something she would've been too self conscious to do prior to dementia. She smiles a lot now too.
I’m sorry you’re in this place. Tell him what will be most accepted and give him the most peace. He has a confused mind, no need to upset or confuse more. Think about what he will be comforted by, a familiar saying, his doctor’s recommendation maybe, or the belief it’s “just for now” Be sure his new space has items that bring him comfort and a sense of belonging. Remind yourself often that you’re doing the best you can to look out for him
Assuming your husband has Alzheimer's which has progressed to the point where he needs full time professional care you probably don't. Many of us have used some introductory fibs when moving our person into care. I told my mom I rented her a room in assisted living for two weeks because the city needed to tear up her sewer line and she couldn't live there while they were working. I told her while loading her into the car. Even time to pack for her "two weeks" would have reduced her to tears and panic. I brought her things over myself later that day. She's been there more than half a year and loves it and has stopped asking about her house at all.
What's your situation? It's really ok to not tell people something that's going to make them upset when they don't have the cognitive ability to process it any more.
"It's really ok to not tell people something that's going to make them upset when they don't have the cognitive ability to process it any more." - well said and so true!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Proverbs 15:22 “Plans fail when there is no consultation , but there is accomplishment through many advisers. This website is very helpful I’m sure you find it very resourceful but remember no one knows your loved one like you do. If you can carefully explain to your husband why you have to do this you will have met your goal.
The attitude you display is critical and a good spirit is essential for yours and his emotional well being.
I would like to commend you for all of your hard work and efforts to be supportive of your husbands needs and it’s my hope that by wisdom you will continue to do so.
I think it depends on many factors, such as his awareness and comprehension of his abilities and your ability to manage his care needs. Just use a kind voice and confident attitude to let him know you have found a place for him where he will be cared for 24 hours a day. It will mean you will be apart, but you will be able to visit him.
Try to avoid lengthy or complicated explanations. Be reassuring that this will be good for him, and for you both. If you sound hesitant, it will create fear for him. Sound positive, keep a smile on your face.
If he won't remember tomorrow what you told him today, I don't know if you need to tell him much of anything. You can ask the care facility for advice and for help with the transition. They have done this many times and have seen it all.
We also asked the nurse from the facility to reinforce the above when she came to our home for the resident assessment a week prior to our move-in date, which she did happily. (The memory care staff were also aware of the 'therapeutic lie' so they could answer his future questions according to our wishes.)
Over the next week, friends helped me move some of his furniture, belongings and clothes to his memory care room whenever other friends took him to his usual weekly exercise and other activities.
On moving day, my sister-in-law and I said the 3 of us were going out to lunch, and drove my husband to memory care where we all ate a meal together. At that time, we reminded him about the program and told him this was the medical center his doctors recommended. We showed him his room after lunch, and then staff got him involved in activities while his sister and I quietly left.
Except for days when I've had respite, I have visited my husband every day for the past 9 months and, while there were certainly questions about why he was there and when we could go home and be together, just the two of us, my husband has accepted the move quite well overall. Not having an accurate sense of time is certainly an advantage in this case - when he asks, he believes me when I tell him he's been there "several weeks."
I hope this helps- it took my sister-in-law and I months to come up with this scenario, since how to transition him into memory care was among our greatest concerns.
I would like to say, it has been two weeks now, and he is not accepting being in long term care on hospice well. I have been told he’s bern more agitated and aggressive. He doesn’t seem to want to see me when I go, glares at me, or ignores me. I hope as time passes he will accept it is what’s best for him - and me.
But it was such a hard decision.
I am grateful for this blog, it has helped so much.
The first few weeks were a little rough, and if she asked about going home, I would answer "when the doctor says it's ok". She did not remember that I was the one who walked her into memory care.
She's now been there 11 months and is doing really well - much better than she had being at home with 3 shifts of caregivers. At home she was pretty much a shut-in, shuffling from room to room peering out the windows, having frequent falls, and quickly losing her words.
In memory care, she's made friends, goes on field trips, and takes part in most of the activities. She even plays drums in the MC band and proudly shows me her art projects - something she would've been too self conscious to do prior to dementia. She smiles a lot now too.
What's your situation? It's really ok to not tell people something that's going to make them upset when they don't have the cognitive ability to process it any more.