I ask because I think that is where I will be... my mother hasn't passed yet but she has just made life so miserable for all of us.
I know I will feel sad and maybe some what guilty but I am pretty sure I will be relieved too.. know that burden is lifted..
Because I don't want my kids to have to take care of me if I end up like her, I am now looking into insurance for a nursing home or something. I never want to put my children through what I am going through.
How did you feel upon their passing??
I hear you!
My feelings on my dad's passing:
1. Profound relief.
2. Clear conscience knowing I did the best I could = no regrets.
3. Sadness, not about him not being here any longer, but for him alienating those who loved him the most - family.
I wish you well on this journey🤗
Should he be the first to go, MIL will become a different person, as all her social filters we be off in favor of white hot anger and contempt, like she did lashing out during chemo, while her 5 cancers continue, well, being cancer.
They have been under so much desperation over the past two years trying to elongate their lives so that the other wouldn’t be alone. But They’ve both declared that they could not go on without the other. It’s intense even relative to others with marriages over 50 years. I have no doubt this would be the greatest suffering of their life.
So yes, I would feel relief if they got their wish, and relief after dealing with the reality of what they will endure, and what they will project, once windowing has become a reality.
I struggle with having few happy memories of a mother that was self absorbed and "rued the day she ever had children". Seriously, who says that to their child? I struggle because I think it about my Mom, but I could never say it to her. I cannot do the mean things she did to me throughout my life? Why is that? Is it that mean, spiteful, rude mothers raise kind self sacrificing humble daughters? Idk
AlI i can do is know at night when I say goodnight, I did the best I could do on that day. Often when I say goodnight and tell her I love her, she's too busy complaining, guilting and feels like... scheming how to upset me so I don't sleep, anyway! All I know is I've done the best I could. I kept my cool, I had a happy heart and I will miss her but will survive if in the morning, she has gone to visit my dad snd sister. She deserves to be at rest and I feel I would like some peace....my husband says she won't leave our brains or thoughts for a long time, she's 85 and we are mid 60's, because of all the outrageous and hateful things she's said to us! He says she invades our brains and hurts our hearts and the ptsd will keep us from feeling very sad when she leaves this earth for some time. Our daughter says Moms' going to put us in an early grave and outlive us all!!
So. My answer is, feel relief and go on picking up the pieces of your shattered life until one day you begin to live a life without fear, and a life of appreciation knowing you did the Best you could 💕 even if they never bothered to acknowledge it. 🤗
While I deeply loved my husband, I was relieved when he died. For a few reasons.
He had a complicated case and I was his sole caregiver. So I was relieved he was out of that horrific pain, and relieved that I no longer had to try to figure out my next move.
I think my biggest relief, though, was that I didn't have to worry about his mental health issues that had been sometimes challenging during our marriage. I didn't have to wonder what might be around the next corner anymore...what a cleansing breath of new air that was.
I distinctly remember saying to myself: I don't have to worry about him anymore.
A weight had been lifted. No guilt. I felt free.
Of course there were other feelings upon his death, but most certainly, relief for various reasons was a prominent one immediately following his death.
As a nurse I witnessed many children who felt relief, even if the feeling was expressed with tears. Some had witness great struggles and were thankful it was over; many knew their parent were exhausted and ready.
I think it isn't at all unusual.
It is hard to know what you will feel until it comes; often you are surprised and blindsided by what you feel, all you feel.
I felt relief also at the passing of my brother. Several years before his passing he had been diagnosed with probable early Lewy's. He wanted to go before he had to face down what would be inevitable with that diagnosis. He got sepsis two years ago, and died within weeks. He was ready. I was as well.
Much as we always miss those we love, much as we carry them with us, I do think many more of us are ready for the passing when it comes. I have seen my own children pass from the fear of loss of parent to knowing it to be inevitable, and because I am a nurse we have often discussed death.
Yes, a burden is lifted when you have had to care for someone. Me it was being the oldest and a girl. Because I chose to live in the same town, it was always me doing for my parents. I did the hands on caregiving with my Mom. She was fairly easy but I like knowing what comes next and that doesn't happen with Dementia. Its too unpredictable and I don't do unpredictable well. But even after placing her I had responsibilities. I was retired and not able to enjoy it. Not knowing how long this was going to go on. I overwhelm easily. Mom declining monthly. Becoming frail and old right before my eyes. The body was there not the mind. I prayed that God would take her then she would be whole again. She had no quality of life. She passed at 89 peacefully. Yes, a burden was lifted. A burden that I no longer had to feel guilty or worry.
As a person who when younger could be made to feel guilty I swore I was not going to do that with Mom. No, everything I did may not have been the best thing but I was the child that had to make those decisions since my brothers chose to stay away. Yes I lost patience which I have little of. Mom was cared for the best way I knew to do it. It took awhile for me to remember the good times. It took a couple of friends, who hung around Moms house before we were all married, to remind me how loving my Mom was even to those who were not her kids.
Like I said my Mom was easy to care for. But I realize that there are parents so hard to deal with. Abusive and Narcissist or just plan stubborn. Batting your head against the wall because if they would just do what was asked of them, your caring for them would be much easier. Yes, definitely when these types of people die, there is relief. And maybe no grieving because ur caregiving days are over.
She's a mean, hateful and vicious person. She treats me horribly--to the point I have not seen nor spoken to her for 2 years. She refuses to acknowledge my 14 grandkids as her greatgrands, she calls them 'nieces and nephews' and doesn't even know their names.
My DH always says I will feel horrible when she dies, but I don't think I will. I've already pre-grieved any sadness over having no relationship with someone I truly tried to care about.
My Dh's last visit with her was last week and he came home saying 'Mom breaks stuff so I will have to go fix it'. It's sad, but true.
For what it's worth, I met with a Catholic deacon once when I worked in a Memory Care ALF; he told me how he'd pray daily for his demented mother (92) to pass and for God to take her Home. A wide smile split his face apart when he said that; he explained that why WOULDN'T he pray for her misery to end and for her to transition onto the next phase of her eternal life with God? We had a nice chat that day, he & I, and that's when I realized it was okay that I'd been praying for the same thing for my mother.
When my husband died after caring for him for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage, and especially after the last 4-5 years being extremely difficult on us both, yes I was both relieved and sad.
Relieved that he no longer had to suffer and remain completely bedridden, and sad that the man I loved was gone and my life as I knew it was gone.
It's all part of the rollercoaster of life, these mixtures of emotions. Hopefully most of us understand that they're normal and don't get stuck in the guilt of feeling relief, but instead move forward in our understanding of grief and just accept that often relief and sadness go hand and hand.