We are both 77 and live in a 55+ community that we love. Husband was diagnosed ten years ago with MCI and has been on xarelto (stent), metoprolol (afib), memantine (MCI), and Rivistigmine patch (MCI), CoQ10, D, vitamin and probiotic since then. His decline has been blessedly slow with all ADLs still in place except taking meds. His short term memory however is totally non-existent and he makes no new memories. I want to move to a CCRC now while we can still hopefully pass the financial and medical tests, but he is adamant that he wants to stay put and hire someone to live here if needed. (He denies he has dementia.) From those in our community who tried the hiring route, I know it’s constant, stressful, difficult and expensive undertaking that neither I nor my daughters can undertake. Any helpful suggestions or things that worked for you about how to convince him we need to go now, without causing an ongoing argument? One friend suggested making about “me” needing to go now, even if it involves a little lying.
One gentle shift that may help: this may not be something you can “convince” him of in the traditional sense. If his short-term memory is no longer forming new memories, then each conversation about moving will feel brand new to him—and potentially upsetting—no matter how many times it’s been discussed.
So instead of trying to reach agreement through logic or repeated discussion, it can be more effective to shift into guiding rather than convincing.
A few approaches that tend to work better in this stage:
Make decisions based on safety and sustainability, not his verbal agreement. As the disease progresses, insight and reasoning are often the first things lost.
Use therapeutic framing rather than debate. For example, presenting a move as a “temporary stay,” “a place to get a little extra support,” or even “something you need” (as your friend suggested) can reduce resistance.
Avoid repeated explanations. Each time he hears it, it may feel like a new loss of control.
Focus on emotion, not facts. If he feels safe and not forced, transitions tend to go much more smoothly.
You’re also absolutely right to think ahead about timing. Waiting too long can limit your options and make transitions more difficult.
Most importantly—this isn’t about winning an argument. It’s about protecting both of you while preserving his dignity.
You’re carrying a heavy load, and the fact that you’re thinking this through so carefully tells me how much you love him. ♥️
Just based on what you wrote above, I think you should decide if moving to a continuing care place is something you personally would like to do and, if so, just make the arrangements and do it. Don't discuss or negotiate with your husband--completely useless because he will forget it as others have pointed out. Or just do it once so in the future you can truthfully say "we already discussed this" as a last resort when you need to shut down the conversation for your own sanity. And then I would move in and say it is temporary for some made up home maintenance reason and when he asks when you are going home just keep deferring. My mom still asks when she is leaving--she has been there the better part of a year and still thinks she is in a hotel--but she has lost track of time. And honestly, at first she asked all the time but now it is infrequent. It mostly comes up when we take her out for a few days and then are bringing her back. Good luck my thoughts are with you. My mom and her sister had Alz and my husband's mom died from it and we are starting to make plans for what happens to us when we have it so our children don't have to deal with managing our care.
Also tell him it’s too expensive to hire a live in and it’s best to move now before a real emergency makes it necessary . Also that it’s best to move now before the price goes too high.
Convincing him still may not work though. He thinks there is nothing wrong.
Since your husband's short term memory is now gone (which means he's likely progressed beyond MCI and into dementia), it will be fruitless to convince him of anything, because he won't remember it.
The only thing he will remember is the emotion of whatever he's hearing you say, so make sure whatever "story" you tell him is something more agreeable to him. Either blaming it on you, saving money, etc.
When we moved mom to memory care, we told her "the doctor wants you to stay here for a short time for some extra PT". This worked for her, because she really liked PT, and we said "it won't be forever". She's been there 6 months and is doing so much better. She's even made friends in MC. She plays music and proudly shows us her art projects - something she would've been too self-conscious to do before dementia. With no short-term memory, she has no concept of time, so it works in our favor.
It's up to you to get this done without his help or buy-in. You're making this decision for the best for both of you.
And it may not even take lying about it. I am sure there are plenty of things that normally you would ask him to do but are now doing yourself.
Now if your husband is a "numbers" person sitting down with pen and paper (yes old school method)
Write "Pro's and Con's
If you are paying for many household expenses most of those will be included in the CCC
You might be able to reduce insurance on your car if the CCC provides transportation to shopping, doctor visits, entertainment.
Food cost may be reduced as most include some meals.
Travel might be easier. Some may organize trips and some CCC have "sister" communities where you might be able to get accommodations for less than what a hotel may cost.
And getting used to the community before you actually need the help makes everyone more comfortable. And having the availability of having Rehab or Skilled Nursing available if it is needed without having to leave "home" helps make recovering easier.
I would find a community that you would consider and take a tour. Maybe even ask if you can stay a weekend so you can get a feel for what life is like there.
I would also look very carefully at what a CCRC specifically offers in terms of dementia care. Very rarely do they offer a locked unit. Disruptive residents can be thrown out. Same goes for those requiring skilled nursing.
And your knee hurts. You can't possibly continue climbing the stairs in your home, especially since a hip replacement is in the stars a couple of years from now. Your doctor said so.
Whatever you can do to get him out of your present home should be done. My husband had MCI for quite a while and then suddenly headed into severe dementia, which was unstoppable, of course. He went through the stages lickety-split. Getting into your new home while he is in his present stage is important because it can happen so fast. Wishing you godspeed and good luck as you, his responsible adult wife, start to do what all of us must do - take over making major decisions, sometimes by stealth. You also should get all your legal ducks in a row.
However, if he forms no new memories, won’t he forget whatever explanations you offer? If so, I would just plow ahead with making arrangements. Offer whatever at the time, and move.
Another thought — could you say the place where you are now is too expensive, not covered by your insurance, or something like that?
Will he forget the current situation soon enough as well, once familiar with the new place?
Once you have chosen the place, identify anything he might like, no matter how small, and emphasize that. Do they have a goldfish aquarium? A game room? Ice cream on Fridays? Whatever might appeal to him. This helped when my dad had to move and didn’t want to.
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