We are both 77 and live in a 55+ community that we love. Husband was diagnosed ten years ago with MCI and has been on xarelto (stent), metoprolol (afib), memantine (MCI), and Rivistigmine patch (MCI), CoQ10, D, vitamin and probiotic since then. His decline has been blessedly slow with all ADLs still in place except taking meds. His short term memory however is totally non-existent and he makes no new memories. I want to move to a CCRC now while we can still hopefully pass the financial and medical tests, but he is adamant that he wants to stay put and hire someone to live here if needed. (He denies he has dementia.) From those in our community who tried the hiring route, I know it’s constant, stressful, difficult and expensive undertaking that neither I nor my daughters can undertake. Any helpful suggestions or things that worked for you about how to convince him we need to go now, without causing an ongoing argument? One friend suggested making about “me” needing to go now, even if it involves a little lying.
However, if you feel you need it individually and for both of you, you make decisions as you are able. We do not know specifics / details of your financial situation nor if you have legal documents in place for when one or both of you need more care than a current circumstance can provide.
If he has dementia and if he is / has been diagnosed and you have this in writing, then it seems to me that you can make needed arrangements.
While he will definitely put up a fuss - or much worse - you need to do what is needed 'now' and at 77, you don't want to wait too much longer.
You might want to hire a medical social worker or a geriatric case manager to 'work' with both of you as a team - so he doesn't feel left out.
I would expect him to not want to go through the hassle of moving in addition to his dementia.
People with dementia do not like 'new' anything.
It is overwhelming and adds to their already confusion.
However, you MUST think of yourself now and that means to do what in your (and his) best interest, moving into the future.
Trying to convince him won't do any good.
You do not engage in any argument.
You do not respond to his saying "no..."
You decide and find out how to proceed without his approval (as he won't remember anyway).
You agree with him and do what is needed.
I wouldn't suggest you give him reasons although if you hire someone (a professional), s/he will work with both of you. Although you make it clear that you want to move and need to proceed in that direction / intention.
My heart goes out to you. You are in a very difficult situation.
Try to not take anything personally. And, this is not easy.
Change never is and with dementia, it is compounded.
Get the support you need to move forward.
Gena / Touch Matters
& this too often is the problem for CCRC as they are underfunded to be able to do this as you well know the costs of care can be astronomical and ya adjust don’t know how sick those active & still healthy IL residents may become. Several CCRC have gone bankrupt with the buy-in $ gone. 16 nationwide since 2020.
The poster child for bad CCRC outcomes is the clusterF that is “Harborside / New Amsterdam” in Port Washington, NY (Long Island area). The issue when things go bad seems to be is the residents - who did a buy in - do not “own” their unit at the CCRC so cannot sell it to others to recoup their buy-in. They will be unsecured creditors for bankruptcy filing. So probably they never get repaid.
Find a place for the two of you that works financially and logistically. Have your daughters help if they can.
Then maybe tell him there is something wrong with your house where you need to leave for a few days so it can be fixed (whatever you can think of that makes the most sense). Tell him that because of this the two of you are going away for that time to relax, as you haven't taken time for yourselves for some time now. Pack for him, move him, then once you get there, just keep saying you are just staying for a few days, and your house isn't ready yet..? As he has very short term memory, perhaps it will work.
You'll probably need to enlist your daughters' help with this for coordination and clean up, and evacuation of your current abode.
Best wishes, and I hope you're able to find resolution soon.
Find a place for the two of you that works financially and logistically. Have your daughters help if they can.
Then maybe tell him there is something wrong with your house where you need to leave for a few days so it can be fixed (whatever you can think of that makes the most sense). Tell him that because of this the two of you are going away for that time to relax, as you haven't taken time for yourselves for some time now. Pack for him, move him, then once you get there, just keep saying you are just staying for a few days, and your house isn't ready yet..? As he has very short term memory, perhaps it will work.
You'll probably need to enlist your daughters' help with this for coordination and clean up, and evacuation of your current abode.
Best wishes, and I hope you're able to find resolution soon.
You say what you need to do to persuade him to do what is better for both of you... whether it involves a little lying or a lot of lying focus on the goal and say what you need to say.
And your knee hurts. You can't possibly continue climbing the stairs in your home, especially since a hip replacement is in the stars a couple of years from now. Your doctor said so.
Whatever you can do to get him out of your present home should be done. My husband had MCI for quite a while and then suddenly headed into severe dementia, which was unstoppable, of course. He went through the stages lickety-split. Getting into your new home while he is in his present stage is important because it can happen so fast. Wishing you godspeed and good luck as you, his responsible adult wife, start to do what all of us must do - take over making major decisions, sometimes by stealth. You also should get all your legal ducks in a row.
I agree with the friend - you start the process by moving yourself.
Let your husband try and hire help at home if he is so adamant. Don't help to facilitate or manage it for him, and suggest your daughters also stay out of managing the help at home.
It is unfortunate that you can't really reason with him at this point. I don't know if you can convince him if he does not see the need.
Do you have a CCRC in mind? You could try taking him there for lunch and a tour one day. He may see the appeal in moving and having meals, entertainment, landscaping provided, along with Medical and ADL care readily available. Remind him the time to make this move is BEFORE either of you declines further. Tell him you don't want to wait for a catastrophic medical event, then try and manage moving when either of you lacks the physical or mental strength to make such a move. And it's not fair to put this burden on your children.
Keep in mind, this will probably be a very hard transition for him. If he has no short term memory, living in a strange place will feel very uncomfortable for him. He wants to stay in the home which he recognizes. His long term memory has cemented for him where home is. That is my argument in his favor.
To convince him, you might have to say to him that you need the help more than him.
One gentle shift that may help: this may not be something you can “convince” him of in the traditional sense. If his short-term memory is no longer forming new memories, then each conversation about moving will feel brand new to him—and potentially upsetting—no matter how many times it’s been discussed.
So instead of trying to reach agreement through logic or repeated discussion, it can be more effective to shift into guiding rather than convincing.
A few approaches that tend to work better in this stage:
Make decisions based on safety and sustainability, not his verbal agreement. As the disease progresses, insight and reasoning are often the first things lost.
Use therapeutic framing rather than debate. For example, presenting a move as a “temporary stay,” “a place to get a little extra support,” or even “something you need” (as your friend suggested) can reduce resistance.
Avoid repeated explanations. Each time he hears it, it may feel like a new loss of control.
Focus on emotion, not facts. If he feels safe and not forced, transitions tend to go much more smoothly.
You’re also absolutely right to think ahead about timing. Waiting too long can limit your options and make transitions more difficult.
Most importantly—this isn’t about winning an argument. It’s about protecting both of you while preserving his dignity.
You’re carrying a heavy load, and the fact that you’re thinking this through so carefully tells me how much you love him. ♥️
Just based on what you wrote above, I think you should decide if moving to a continuing care place is something you personally would like to do and, if so, just make the arrangements and do it. Don't discuss or negotiate with your husband--completely useless because he will forget it as others have pointed out. Or just do it once so in the future you can truthfully say "we already discussed this" as a last resort when you need to shut down the conversation for your own sanity. And then I would move in and say it is temporary for some made up home maintenance reason and when he asks when you are going home just keep deferring. My mom still asks when she is leaving--she has been there the better part of a year and still thinks she is in a hotel--but she has lost track of time. And honestly, at first she asked all the time but now it is infrequent. It mostly comes up when we take her out for a few days and then are bringing her back. Good luck my thoughts are with you. My mom and her sister had Alz and my husband's mom died from it and we are starting to make plans for what happens to us when we have it so our children don't have to deal with managing our care.
I would also look very carefully at what a CCRC specifically offers in terms of dementia care. Very rarely do they offer a locked unit. Disruptive residents can be thrown out. Same goes for those requiring skilled nursing.
And it may not even take lying about it. I am sure there are plenty of things that normally you would ask him to do but are now doing yourself.
Now if your husband is a "numbers" person sitting down with pen and paper (yes old school method)
Write "Pro's and Con's
If you are paying for many household expenses most of those will be included in the CCC
You might be able to reduce insurance on your car if the CCC provides transportation to shopping, doctor visits, entertainment.
Food cost may be reduced as most include some meals.
Travel might be easier. Some may organize trips and some CCC have "sister" communities where you might be able to get accommodations for less than what a hotel may cost.
And getting used to the community before you actually need the help makes everyone more comfortable. And having the availability of having Rehab or Skilled Nursing available if it is needed without having to leave "home" helps make recovering easier.
I would find a community that you would consider and take a tour. Maybe even ask if you can stay a weekend so you can get a feel for what life is like there.
Since your husband's short term memory is now gone (which means he's likely progressed beyond MCI and into dementia), it will be fruitless to convince him of anything, because he won't remember it.
The only thing he will remember is the emotion of whatever he's hearing you say, so make sure whatever "story" you tell him is something more agreeable to him. Either blaming it on you, saving money, etc.
When we moved mom to memory care, we told her "the doctor wants you to stay here for a short time for some extra PT". This worked for her, because she really liked PT, and we said "it won't be forever". She's been there 6 months and is doing so much better. She's even made friends in MC. She plays music and proudly shows us her art projects - something she would've been too self-conscious to do before dementia. With no short-term memory, she has no concept of time, so it works in our favor.
It's up to you to get this done without his help or buy-in. You're making this decision for the best for both of you.
However, if he forms no new memories, won’t he forget whatever explanations you offer? If so, I would just plow ahead with making arrangements. Offer whatever at the time, and move.
Another thought — could you say the place where you are now is too expensive, not covered by your insurance, or something like that?
Will he forget the current situation soon enough as well, once familiar with the new place?
Once you have chosen the place, identify anything he might like, no matter how small, and emphasize that. Do they have a goldfish aquarium? A game room? Ice cream on Fridays? Whatever might appeal to him. This helped when my dad had to move and didn’t want to.
My suggestion would be that you go ahead and organise it for yourself, and then tell him that you are going NOW. Tell him that he can hire someone to live in with him if he wants to stay put. Then leave – even if you simply go for a hotel break and just fake that it’s going to be permanent. Say that you need time to ‘settle in’, and that you won’t go back to see him until he has organised his live-in arrangement.
Being left to organise himself may at least shake his idea that he has the whip hand in all this.
Also tell him it’s too expensive to hire a live in and it’s best to move now before a real emergency makes it necessary . Also that it’s best to move now before the price goes too high.
Convincing him still may not work though. He thinks there is nothing wrong.