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How do you get your "life" back after putting mom in assisted living?. After been taking care of her for last 5 years (showers, spending the night on and off), grocery shopping, meals, dr apts ...........and the list goes on and on. I was having to take time off work, and I just could not do it anymore. She was refusing to go to assisted living . I was constantly worrying and checking the cameras in the home. She did get declared incompetent by 2 dr's - thus I was then able to make the decision for her that she had to go. Well, now I have great anxiety just trying to get my life back..... She has only been there a week and I have to restrain myself from going every day to make sure she is ok. AND, when I go she cusses me out (throws the F bomb and then some)..tells me to get the F out and I am not her daughter anymore and I will burn in hell for putting her there. Talk about feeling guilty - not sure how to get through this anxiety post Assisted living transfer.

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You’re definitely in a rough spot. My mom was in assisted living for a month last year for rehab after surgery and it was the most miserable time of my life. I couldn’t sleep and worried constantly about what was happening to her in there and if they were taking care of her. Unfortunately, those places don’t see after our parents like we would. But nobody can judge you, 5 years is a long time. I have been doing this for 2 years and already feeling burned out. So I get it. Best thing you can do is keep in contact with the staff there to make sure your mom is ok. The more they know someone is concerned about her, the more they will tend to her. Other than that, take care of you. Do things to pamper yourself. You deserve it.
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Reply to Onlychild420
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Stay away, cut back on visiting. She has to get used to her new life. You already put in 5 years, and it does impact your own health from the stress.

I always ask people in this spot, did your Mom take care of her elderly Mother?
Take days off work, do all the details, deal with the moods and behaviors? Help her bathe, do her laundry, cook her meals and be basically an unpaid slave?

She doesn't have to deal with cooking and cleaning anymore, so what is so bad? She probably has a private room, bathroom, 3 meals a day, and nurses helping if she buzzes them. What exactly is so bad? Any bars on the windows? What did she do at home? Let it turn into a mess you had to clean up? Sit and watch TV? Hound you constantly for everything?

You have serviced her 5 years and do not deserve her abuse. You can always seek counseling, and get help on how to get your life back. You may need some anti-depressants.

My idea for you...book a great vacation (like a Caribbean cruise) and just get out of there 10 days! Have fun doing something exciting! Enjoy great food, luxury galore, beautiful scenery, nightly shows on the ship, a CASINO, and great shopping. You have earned it! You can do everything, or just relax and do nothing! Room service is included. You are waited on constantly with no tipping allowed. Cruise ships are masterpieces in engineering with ambiance galore! Take a cruise and come back and tell us.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Your mother is fine where shes at. Unless shes speaking or visiting with YOU. Then the sky is falling. Its the law with these elders. They save up all theitr angst and misery for US, as if it's our fault they're old and in the condition they're in. It's not. You did your very best for at home and now she's where she needs to be, period. Even if she lives it in AL she'll tell you otherwise. Cut down your interactions with mom. Go visit her w/o her knowing it. Watch her, see how she's doing that way. How she's interacting and playing games etc. Call the head nurse for an update, just don't put yourself in her face to be slammed with insults.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Your mom is in the care of professionals. They've seen it all and know what to do when the patient acts out. They are not emotionally caught up in her drama like you are, and that's why they can handle it better than you can. Be grateful that mom is no longer your responsibility alone, and stop visiting so often. Once every two weeks would probably allow her to acclimate to her new home, which is what she needs to do. Your visiting is not doing her any favors, and it's probably what you think you need to do to make yourself feel better. Since that's not working, stay home.

Her mind is the raving of a madwoman. She can't make you burn in hell! Don't listen to her bad language. Calmly tell her, when she starts any of this craziness, that you won't tolerate that behavior. Refuse to engage. Walk out, be very calm, keep your dignity and let her aides deal with her.

I'm very sorry, and I hope you gather the courage to do the only thing you should do - stay away.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Stop visiting her. It's not helping her and obviously making you miserable. Seek therapy for your overwhelming guilt. It's not deserved. You have gone above and beyond for your mom and she is repaying that sacrifice with cruelty. If she has been manipulative or cruel throughout your life, you might want to watch some Youtube videos by professional therapists on dealing with the pain of growing up with a toxic parent. It really allowed me to put things in perspective. Good people don't curse out their kids and tell them they are going to Hell for finding a safe place for them to live. The things my mom have said to me are just terrible, blaming me for putting her there, but she ignores two major issues. One is I did not make her old. That's a part of life. And, two, I did not make unwise decisions leading to having to be placed against my wishes. Five years of hands on care is enough. Time to heal and move on. Not visiting and not calling is perfectly acceptable. You need to protect yourself now as she has a facility that is looking out for her. Let go of the guilt she is trying to heap upon you. You did your best and made tough decisions. That's part of being an adult.
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Reply to JustAnon
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The aggressive and unreasonable behavior by your Mom is a confirmation that you got her in not a minute too soon. Please think about your emotions as grief, and not guilt -- you didn't do anything morally, ethically or legally wrong so there is nothing to feel guilty about, but grief is realistic and appropriate.

I'm wondering if she is currently on anything for depression or anxiety? If not, why not? Many seniors require medication to help them emotionally since dementia impacts the area of their brain that regulates reason, logic, judgment and empathy. She cannot regulate them herself anymore, even if she wanted to. Her brain is broken, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it but you can treat what is treatable. If she's already on something then it doesn't seem to be working so this needs to be reviewed by her primary doctor.

Even a senior without dementia would not "look forward" to this profound change in their living situation, and what it means. But it is the appropriate solution for the both of you. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms otherwise burnout occurs (and you were pretty much there).

Now do lots of self-care and make yourself the priority. Five years is a long time to delay or deny your own needs. May you receive peace in your heart as you recover your life.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Just as your mom has to adjust to her new "normal" you have to do the same.
It can take a while.
It was months after my Husband died that I did not wake at 2 or 3 in the morning thinking I heard him knowing that he needed a brief change, it was months before I could stay out without worrying that the caregiver had to leave by 4:00 pm.

If you are still working let that be a part of you merging into a new you.
Let your mom adjust as well. Many suggest not visiting for a while that may help it may not.

If you have the time start Volunteering for a cause you find important. Good to get out meet new people, find another focus.

You will adjust and you will find a new normal.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Stay away from the facility and mom for a few weeks to allow your mom to adjust to her new surroundings and to allow yourself time to just breath. You can call the front desk anytime to check on her if it makes you feel better, but you know in your heart of hearts that your mom is now where she needs to be receiving the 24/7 care that she now requires and that should bring you peace and not guilt or anxiety.
You deserve to have your life back and to actually enjoy it. I'm going to recommend that you perhaps even take a nice vacation ASAP to a place you love so you can remember that you matter too.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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