Follow
Share

How do you get your "life" back after putting mom in assisted living?. After been taking care of her for last 5 years (showers, spending the night on and off), grocery shopping, meals, dr apts ...........and the list goes on and on. I was having to take time off work, and I just could not do it anymore. She was refusing to go to assisted living . I was constantly worrying and checking the cameras in the home. She did get declared incompetent by 2 dr's - thus I was then able to make the decision for her that she had to go. Well, now I have great anxiety just trying to get my life back..... She has only been there a week and I have to restrain myself from going every day to make sure she is ok. AND, when I go she cusses me out (throws the F bomb and then some)..tells me to get the F out and I am not her daughter anymore and I will burn in hell for putting her there. Talk about feeling guilty - not sure how to get through this anxiety post Assisted living transfer.

Find Care & Housing
The aggressive and unreasonable behavior by your Mom is a confirmation that you got her in not a minute too soon. Please think about your emotions as grief, and not guilt -- you didn't do anything morally, ethically or legally wrong so there is nothing to feel guilty about, but grief is realistic and appropriate.

I'm wondering if she is currently on anything for depression or anxiety? If not, why not? Many seniors require medication to help them emotionally since dementia impacts the area of their brain that regulates reason, logic, judgment and empathy. She cannot regulate them herself anymore, even if she wanted to. Her brain is broken, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it but you can treat what is treatable. If she's already on something then it doesn't seem to be working so this needs to be reviewed by her primary doctor.

Even a senior without dementia would not "look forward" to this profound change in their living situation, and what it means. But it is the appropriate solution for the both of you. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms otherwise burnout occurs (and you were pretty much there).

Now do lots of self-care and make yourself the priority. Five years is a long time to delay or deny your own needs. May you receive peace in your heart as you recover your life.
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Stay away from the facility and mom for a few weeks to allow your mom to adjust to her new surroundings and to allow yourself time to just breath. You can call the front desk anytime to check on her if it makes you feel better, but you know in your heart of hearts that your mom is now where she needs to be receiving the 24/7 care that she now requires and that should bring you peace and not guilt or anxiety.
You deserve to have your life back and to actually enjoy it. I'm going to recommend that you perhaps even take a nice vacation ASAP to a place you love so you can remember that you matter too.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Stop visiting her. It's not helping her and obviously making you miserable. Seek therapy for your overwhelming guilt. It's not deserved. You have gone above and beyond for your mom and she is repaying that sacrifice with cruelty. If she has been manipulative or cruel throughout your life, you might want to watch some Youtube videos by professional therapists on dealing with the pain of growing up with a toxic parent. It really allowed me to put things in perspective. Good people don't curse out their kids and tell them they are going to Hell for finding a safe place for them to live. The things my mom have said to me are just terrible, blaming me for putting her there, but she ignores two major issues. One is I did not make her old. That's a part of life. And, two, I did not make unwise decisions leading to having to be placed against my wishes. Five years of hands on care is enough. Time to heal and move on. Not visiting and not calling is perfectly acceptable. You need to protect yourself now as she has a facility that is looking out for her. Let go of the guilt she is trying to heap upon you. You did your best and made tough decisions. That's part of being an adult.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to JustAnon
Report

Just as your mom has to adjust to her new "normal" you have to do the same.
It can take a while.
It was months after my Husband died that I did not wake at 2 or 3 in the morning thinking I heard him knowing that he needed a brief change, it was months before I could stay out without worrying that the caregiver had to leave by 4:00 pm.

If you are still working let that be a part of you merging into a new you.
Let your mom adjust as well. Many suggest not visiting for a while that may help it may not.

If you have the time start Volunteering for a cause you find important. Good to get out meet new people, find another focus.

You will adjust and you will find a new normal.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

in my opinion, your mother is mentally unwell and may be emotionally immature, unable to comprehend she is responsible for herself and her life choices earlier, and now just needs to be grateful, or has a personality disorder and/or has dementia and is just very self absorbed and self centered and can not or will not care about you or anyone besides herself. Perhaps her trauma history is abandonment. It often is. You were supposed to make that right for her, like me. But it was never right or fair. Or maybe your mum was good until she had dementia and that made her selfish. Mine always was. Never dealt with her own trauma, just dumped it on me to help her feel better. You did the right thing by placing her. Don’t go visit. Or if you do, go for 15 minutes, drop off a donut, smoothie, magazine , newspaper, whatever, and see her again in a few days. Go Enjoy Your Freedom! Stop by, say hi, leave a treat. If She’s mean, you say, it looks like you’re having a tough day. I’ll come back when you’re feeling better. Leave. She’s lost all control and power over you now and she’s angry and doesn’t like it. Tantrum. Hopefully she will adjust. But your life goes on, separate, whole, and hopefully, happier and less burdened. You didn’t cause this, you can’t fix it. Superficial nice and friendly is fine. Work on your own healing, plans, and happiness, as I am . She’s being cared for.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Beethoven13
Report

Your mom is in the care of professionals. They've seen it all and know what to do when the patient acts out. They are not emotionally caught up in her drama like you are, and that's why they can handle it better than you can. Be grateful that mom is no longer your responsibility alone, and stop visiting so often. Once every two weeks would probably allow her to acclimate to her new home, which is what she needs to do. Your visiting is not doing her any favors, and it's probably what you think you need to do to make yourself feel better. Since that's not working, stay home.

Her mind is the raving of a madwoman. She can't make you burn in hell! Don't listen to her bad language. Calmly tell her, when she starts any of this craziness, that you won't tolerate that behavior. Refuse to engage. Walk out, be very calm, keep your dignity and let her aides deal with her.

I'm very sorry, and I hope you gather the courage to do the only thing you should do - stay away.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

Stay away, cut back on visiting. She has to get used to her new life. You already put in 5 years, and it does impact your own health from the stress.

I always ask people in this spot, did your Mom take care of her elderly Mother?
Take days off work, do all the details, deal with the moods and behaviors? Help her bathe, do her laundry, cook her meals and be basically an unpaid slave?

She doesn't have to deal with cooking and cleaning anymore, so what is so bad? She probably has a private room, bathroom, 3 meals a day, and nurses helping if she buzzes them. What exactly is so bad? Any bars on the windows? What did she do at home? Let it turn into a mess you had to clean up? Sit and watch TV? Hound you constantly for everything?

You have serviced her 5 years and do not deserve her abuse. You can always seek counseling, and get help on how to get your life back. You may need some anti-depressants.

My idea for you...book a great vacation (like a Caribbean cruise) and just get out of there 10 days! Have fun doing something exciting! Enjoy great food, luxury galore, beautiful scenery, nightly shows on the ship, a CASINO, and great shopping. You have earned it! You can do everything, or just relax and do nothing! Room service is included. You are waited on constantly with no tipping allowed. Cruise ships are masterpieces in engineering with ambiance galore! Take a cruise and come back and tell us.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Dawn88
Report

Discuss your situation with someone you trust. You may consider reaching out to a counselor for your health or someone to assist with the safety of your mother.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Senior8
Report

It’s really hard in the beginning but don’t second guess yourself. My Mom (who has many medical issues and state 5 dementia) had a really rough transition but has finally settled into a new rhythm after 8 full months. Remind yourself that you are part of her caregiving team no matter where she lives. You haven’t abandoned her, you have gotten the help you need to make sure she is taken care of and that you sustain yourself. Both of those things are important and not mutually exclusive.
Give it time and know it will be better. I give myself “non Mom” days where I just breathe and do my normal things. Constant vigilance will wear you out. I now visit a couple of days a week but give her space in between to figure out how to be in her new home. I agree that letting folks at the facility know you are engaged and available is important.
I struggled with creating space in the beginning and the resident care coordinator thought I was overly involved. Over time we have worked through some issues and I have learned to let go a little, once I saw them perform up to a level I found acceptable. I also am learning that I can’t solve all the problems, that dementia is not a straight line and that sometimes you have to let go and let God.
I feel healthier having arrived at this point. Give yourself some grace during this time period and have faith that things will improve but will never be perfect. Old age is not for the faint of heart. Carry on.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Lm1957Md
Report

I had to put a 99 year old second cousin in facility this week because I work full time and was not getting the support I needed while at home. I had her in my home and couple days a week a person would come and the following an aunt would assist when had to go to office. So unfortunately I looked forward to going to work cause when off or when working from home no relief. I’m really embarrassed to say family and friends wouldn’t come around or to even see if I needed to hour break everything I did outside the home was rushing and stressful. I’m saying all this to say don’t feel guilty about it cause you did what you had to do. You have to take care of self before anything else. The last straw for me was when my blood pressure got to 232/60 and was rushed to emergency and when I noticed one of the helpers really didn’t want to do it any more but just wanted the money I was paying. Then I was expected to take her to all family functions which was 40 mins away. Listen just pray about it anxiety is normal but spend time with self and do something good for you - you have done your part and still visiting and helping so pat yourself on the back you are stronger than you think!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Roadrunner2055
Report

See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter