How do you get your "life" back after putting mom in assisted living?. After been taking care of her for last 5 years (showers, spending the night on and off), grocery shopping, meals, dr apts ...........and the list goes on and on. I was having to take time off work, and I just could not do it anymore. She was refusing to go to assisted living . I was constantly worrying and checking the cameras in the home. She did get declared incompetent by 2 dr's - thus I was then able to make the decision for her that she had to go. Well, now I have great anxiety just trying to get my life back..... She has only been there a week and I have to restrain myself from going every day to make sure she is ok. AND, when I go she cusses me out (throws the F bomb and then some)..tells me to get the F out and I am not her daughter anymore and I will burn in hell for putting her there. Talk about feeling guilty - not sure how to get through this anxiety post Assisted living transfer.
You deserve to have your life back and to actually enjoy it. I'm going to recommend that you perhaps even take a nice vacation ASAP to a place you love so you can remember that you matter too.
I'm wondering if she is currently on anything for depression or anxiety? If not, why not? Many seniors require medication to help them emotionally since dementia impacts the area of their brain that regulates reason, logic, judgment and empathy. She cannot regulate them herself anymore, even if she wanted to. Her brain is broken, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it but you can treat what is treatable. If she's already on something then it doesn't seem to be working so this needs to be reviewed by her primary doctor.
Even a senior without dementia would not "look forward" to this profound change in their living situation, and what it means. But it is the appropriate solution for the both of you. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms otherwise burnout occurs (and you were pretty much there).
Now do lots of self-care and make yourself the priority. Five years is a long time to delay or deny your own needs. May you receive peace in your heart as you recover your life.
It can take a while.
It was months after my Husband died that I did not wake at 2 or 3 in the morning thinking I heard him knowing that he needed a brief change, it was months before I could stay out without worrying that the caregiver had to leave by 4:00 pm.
If you are still working let that be a part of you merging into a new you.
Let your mom adjust as well. Many suggest not visiting for a while that may help it may not.
If you have the time start Volunteering for a cause you find important. Good to get out meet new people, find another focus.
You will adjust and you will find a new normal.
Her mind is the raving of a madwoman. She can't make you burn in hell! Don't listen to her bad language. Calmly tell her, when she starts any of this craziness, that you won't tolerate that behavior. Refuse to engage. Walk out, be very calm, keep your dignity and let her aides deal with her.
I'm very sorry, and I hope you gather the courage to do the only thing you should do - stay away.
I always ask people in this spot, did your Mom take care of her elderly Mother?
Take days off work, do all the details, deal with the moods and behaviors? Help her bathe, do her laundry, cook her meals and be basically an unpaid slave?
She doesn't have to deal with cooking and cleaning anymore, so what is so bad? She probably has a private room, bathroom, 3 meals a day, and nurses helping if she buzzes them. What exactly is so bad? Any bars on the windows? What did she do at home? Let it turn into a mess you had to clean up? Sit and watch TV? Hound you constantly for everything?
You have serviced her 5 years and do not deserve her abuse. You can always seek counseling, and get help on how to get your life back. You may need some anti-depressants.
My idea for you...book a great vacation (like a Caribbean cruise) and just get out of there 10 days! Have fun doing something exciting! Enjoy great food, luxury galore, beautiful scenery, nightly shows on the ship, a CASINO, and great shopping. You have earned it! You can do everything, or just relax and do nothing! Room service is included. You are waited on constantly with no tipping allowed. Cruise ships are masterpieces in engineering with ambiance galore! Take a cruise and come back and tell us.
Best of luck to you.