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How do you get your "life" back after putting mom in assisted living?. After been taking care of her for last 5 years (showers, spending the night on and off), grocery shopping, meals, dr apts ...........and the list goes on and on. I was having to take time off work, and I just could not do it anymore. She was refusing to go to assisted living . I was constantly worrying and checking the cameras in the home. She did get declared incompetent by 2 dr's - thus I was then able to make the decision for her that she had to go. Well, now I have great anxiety just trying to get my life back..... She has only been there a week and I have to restrain myself from going every day to make sure she is ok. AND, when I go she cusses me out (throws the F bomb and then some)..tells me to get the F out and I am not her daughter anymore and I will burn in hell for putting her there. Talk about feeling guilty - not sure how to get through this anxiety post Assisted living transfer.

so often we are so focused on taking care of our loved one we forget about taking care of our selves. We all want to do the right thing. If your decision is giving you problems maybe it was not the right one! I went through a similar situation and eventually brought my wife home. I had care givers to come look in on her. It was the best decision for me, and that’s the point. Sometimes you need to think about yourself too.
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Reply to Sample
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in my opinion, your mother is mentally unwell and may be emotionally immature, unable to comprehend she is responsible for herself and her life choices earlier, and now just needs to be grateful, or has a personality disorder and/or has dementia and is just very self absorbed and self centered and can not or will not care about you or anyone besides herself. Perhaps her trauma history is abandonment. It often is. You were supposed to make that right for her, like me. But it was never right or fair. Or maybe your mum was good until she had dementia and that made her selfish. Mine always was. Never dealt with her own trauma, just dumped it on me to help her feel better. You did the right thing by placing her. Don’t go visit. Or if you do, go for 15 minutes, drop off a donut, smoothie, magazine , newspaper, whatever, and see her again in a few days. Go Enjoy Your Freedom! Stop by, say hi, leave a treat. If She’s mean, you say, it looks like you’re having a tough day. I’ll come back when you’re feeling better. Leave. She’s lost all control and power over you now and she’s angry and doesn’t like it. Tantrum. Hopefully she will adjust. But your life goes on, separate, whole, and hopefully, happier and less burdened. You didn’t cause this, you can’t fix it. Superficial nice and friendly is fine. Work on your own healing, plans, and happiness, as I am . She’s being cared for.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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My wife of 58 wonderful years has dementia and I finally had to place her in memory care after 3 years of taking care of her at home with increasing difficulty. It got so bathing her, changing her clothing, cleaning up her incontinence messes (with briefs, but nothing is perfect) all resulted in her fear, crying, sometimes screaming. A shower was an hour long ordeal that left us both exhausted. Yet she was sweet as can be when I wasn't trying to help her.

One week in the facility, and things are worse. I was called to return and spend the night with her to calm her. She hasn't had a shower since moving in because she refuses and yells constantly. Same with changing briefs, getting ready for bed. I don't make things better, she still screams and fights. Yet, with non-assistive interactions, she is docile and loving.

She is Type I diabetic, and her pump maintenance is also extremely difficult. She will let me handle it after some persuasion, but the nurses (aides cannot legally do it) can't manage it.

I am spending every night and most of the day there. Today I noticed that she is becoming unpleasantly odorous, but no one can manage to get her bathed.

I have her there because I was persuaded that things would be easier and she would be better off. Those do not seem to be true.
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Reply to memyselfandeye
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Hope21 Jun 6, 2026
Maybe consider getting the attention of her doctor to help with meds to calm her and help her to adjust?
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I am sorry you are suffering from this complex situation. I have no experience with it, but I do with guilt and worry! Im sure you took time to select the facility where mom is, so take reassurance in that. Where she makes it difficult to visit, and there are those here more experienced than I who say that you should give her time to adjust independent of you, maybe you can drop by frequently to check in with the staff to see how they think she is doing? That way they know you are engaged and maybe can let you know when she has settled down. Also, if it is affordable for you where you are located, there are care management firms you can hire to go in and visit with your mom, review her care in the facility, and make sure things are being done well. There is usually an initial fee and then an hourly fee (the one I have engaged for other aspects of care bills in this way, anyway). If that works for you, then that may be a way to feel more at ease while not encountering your mom’s anger right now? (You do not deserve that!) How about another family friend or member visiting and then reporting back to you, to let you know she is ok?

I pray you are able to gain peace over this difficult situation. I have read that many times in these situations people adjust and enjoy their new life, but often will continue to be hard on their loved ones. I am sorry you are going through this!
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Hope21 Jun 6, 2026
And also, so many people here have recounted things their loved ones who have dementia say to them, that are so undeserved and “out there”. It’s got to be hard, but you have to keep reminding yourself that she isn’t speaking from a place of health and reasonableness.
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I had to put a 99 year old second cousin in facility this week because I work full time and was not getting the support I needed while at home. I had her in my home and couple days a week a person would come and the following an aunt would assist when had to go to office. So unfortunately I looked forward to going to work cause when off or when working from home no relief. I’m really embarrassed to say family and friends wouldn’t come around or to even see if I needed to hour break everything I did outside the home was rushing and stressful. I’m saying all this to say don’t feel guilty about it cause you did what you had to do. You have to take care of self before anything else. The last straw for me was when my blood pressure got to 232/60 and was rushed to emergency and when I noticed one of the helpers really didn’t want to do it any more but just wanted the money I was paying. Then I was expected to take her to all family functions which was 40 mins away. Listen just pray about it anxiety is normal but spend time with self and do something good for you - you have done your part and still visiting and helping so pat yourself on the back you are stronger than you think!
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Reply to Roadrunner2055
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Put yourself in her shoes? If she is that upset, how do you know how they are treating her? Is it her or the facility? She may feel like you put her there as a punishment. Is this normal for her to curse and have so much anger, or is this new Behavior? It is commendable that you cared for her for years, and burnout is terrible!
Your anxiety is probably because you love her, and are not really sure how they are caring for her. If you visit often, you may be relieved to see they are doing a good job, or outraged to see things are not good. If you see she is being treated well, it should help your anxiety. Hopefully, she is getting good care and will adjust to her new environment.


Best of luck to you both!
🙏❤️🍀
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Reply to Tiger8
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It’s really hard in the beginning but don’t second guess yourself. My Mom (who has many medical issues and state 5 dementia) had a really rough transition but has finally settled into a new rhythm after 8 full months. Remind yourself that you are part of her caregiving team no matter where she lives. You haven’t abandoned her, you have gotten the help you need to make sure she is taken care of and that you sustain yourself. Both of those things are important and not mutually exclusive.
Give it time and know it will be better. I give myself “non Mom” days where I just breathe and do my normal things. Constant vigilance will wear you out. I now visit a couple of days a week but give her space in between to figure out how to be in her new home. I agree that letting folks at the facility know you are engaged and available is important.
I struggled with creating space in the beginning and the resident care coordinator thought I was overly involved. Over time we have worked through some issues and I have learned to let go a little, once I saw them perform up to a level I found acceptable. I also am learning that I can’t solve all the problems, that dementia is not a straight line and that sometimes you have to let go and let God.
I feel healthier having arrived at this point. Give yourself some grace during this time period and have faith that things will improve but will never be perfect. Old age is not for the faint of heart. Carry on.
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Reply to Lm1957Md
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Discuss your situation with someone you trust. You may consider reaching out to a counselor for your health or someone to assist with the safety of your mother.
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Reply to Senior8
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You’re definitely in a rough spot. My mom was in assisted living for a month last year for rehab after surgery and it was the most miserable time of my life. I couldn’t sleep and worried constantly about what was happening to her in there and if they were taking care of her. Unfortunately, those places don’t see after our parents like we would. But nobody can judge you, 5 years is a long time. I have been doing this for 2 years and already feeling burned out. So I get it. Best thing you can do is keep in contact with the staff there to make sure your mom is ok. The more they know someone is concerned about her, the more they will tend to her. Other than that, take care of you. Do things to pamper yourself. You deserve it.
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Reply to Onlychild420
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Stay away, cut back on visiting. She has to get used to her new life. You already put in 5 years, and it does impact your own health from the stress.

I always ask people in this spot, did your Mom take care of her elderly Mother?
Take days off work, do all the details, deal with the moods and behaviors? Help her bathe, do her laundry, cook her meals and be basically an unpaid slave?

She doesn't have to deal with cooking and cleaning anymore, so what is so bad? She probably has a private room, bathroom, 3 meals a day, and nurses helping if she buzzes them. What exactly is so bad? Any bars on the windows? What did she do at home? Let it turn into a mess you had to clean up? Sit and watch TV? Hound you constantly for everything?

You have serviced her 5 years and do not deserve her abuse. You can always seek counseling, and get help on how to get your life back. You may need some anti-depressants.

My idea for you...book a great vacation (like a Caribbean cruise) and just get out of there 10 days! Have fun doing something exciting! Enjoy great food, luxury galore, beautiful scenery, nightly shows on the ship, a CASINO, and great shopping. You have earned it! You can do everything, or just relax and do nothing! Room service is included. You are waited on constantly with no tipping allowed. Cruise ships are masterpieces in engineering with ambiance galore! Take a cruise and come back and tell us.
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Reply to Dawn88
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Your mother is fine where shes at. Unless shes speaking or visiting with YOU. Then the sky is falling. Its the law with these elders. They save up all theitr angst and misery for US, as if it's our fault they're old and in the condition they're in. It's not. You did your very best for at home and now she's where she needs to be, period. Even if she lives it in AL she'll tell you otherwise. Cut down your interactions with mom. Go visit her w/o her knowing it. Watch her, see how she's doing that way. How she's interacting and playing games etc. Call the head nurse for an update, just don't put yourself in her face to be slammed with insults.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Your mom is in the care of professionals. They've seen it all and know what to do when the patient acts out. They are not emotionally caught up in her drama like you are, and that's why they can handle it better than you can. Be grateful that mom is no longer your responsibility alone, and stop visiting so often. Once every two weeks would probably allow her to acclimate to her new home, which is what she needs to do. Your visiting is not doing her any favors, and it's probably what you think you need to do to make yourself feel better. Since that's not working, stay home.

Her mind is the raving of a madwoman. She can't make you burn in hell! Don't listen to her bad language. Calmly tell her, when she starts any of this craziness, that you won't tolerate that behavior. Refuse to engage. Walk out, be very calm, keep your dignity and let her aides deal with her.

I'm very sorry, and I hope you gather the courage to do the only thing you should do - stay away.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Stop visiting her. It's not helping her and obviously making you miserable. Seek therapy for your overwhelming guilt. It's not deserved. You have gone above and beyond for your mom and she is repaying that sacrifice with cruelty. If she has been manipulative or cruel throughout your life, you might want to watch some Youtube videos by professional therapists on dealing with the pain of growing up with a toxic parent. It really allowed me to put things in perspective. Good people don't curse out their kids and tell them they are going to Hell for finding a safe place for them to live. The things my mom have said to me are just terrible, blaming me for putting her there, but she ignores two major issues. One is I did not make her old. That's a part of life. And, two, I did not make unwise decisions leading to having to be placed against my wishes. Five years of hands on care is enough. Time to heal and move on. Not visiting and not calling is perfectly acceptable. You need to protect yourself now as she has a facility that is looking out for her. Let go of the guilt she is trying to heap upon you. You did your best and made tough decisions. That's part of being an adult.
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Reply to JustAnon
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The aggressive and unreasonable behavior by your Mom is a confirmation that you got her in not a minute too soon. Please think about your emotions as grief, and not guilt -- you didn't do anything morally, ethically or legally wrong so there is nothing to feel guilty about, but grief is realistic and appropriate.

I'm wondering if she is currently on anything for depression or anxiety? If not, why not? Many seniors require medication to help them emotionally since dementia impacts the area of their brain that regulates reason, logic, judgment and empathy. She cannot regulate them herself anymore, even if she wanted to. Her brain is broken, you didn't cause it and you can't fix it but you can treat what is treatable. If she's already on something then it doesn't seem to be working so this needs to be reviewed by her primary doctor.

Even a senior without dementia would not "look forward" to this profound change in their living situation, and what it means. But it is the appropriate solution for the both of you. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms otherwise burnout occurs (and you were pretty much there).

Now do lots of self-care and make yourself the priority. Five years is a long time to delay or deny your own needs. May you receive peace in your heart as you recover your life.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Just as your mom has to adjust to her new "normal" you have to do the same.
It can take a while.
It was months after my Husband died that I did not wake at 2 or 3 in the morning thinking I heard him knowing that he needed a brief change, it was months before I could stay out without worrying that the caregiver had to leave by 4:00 pm.

If you are still working let that be a part of you merging into a new you.
Let your mom adjust as well. Many suggest not visiting for a while that may help it may not.

If you have the time start Volunteering for a cause you find important. Good to get out meet new people, find another focus.

You will adjust and you will find a new normal.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Stay away from the facility and mom for a few weeks to allow your mom to adjust to her new surroundings and to allow yourself time to just breath. You can call the front desk anytime to check on her if it makes you feel better, but you know in your heart of hearts that your mom is now where she needs to be receiving the 24/7 care that she now requires and that should bring you peace and not guilt or anxiety.
You deserve to have your life back and to actually enjoy it. I'm going to recommend that you perhaps even take a nice vacation ASAP to a place you love so you can remember that you matter too.
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