I let my 86-year-old father move in with me 9 months ago, now I'm so stressed. How can I get him out of my home?

Time to evict him. Are you in Canada? Search online for the rules for your state/province.
Once you understand the rules, move in a direction to effect a change. If you think he will become physically abusive when you are ready for this discussion, have someone else with you and ready to stay for the night. Is there someone he respects that can be with you? A member of the clergy or family member? That may help.
Personally, I would seek out alternate living arrangements so that when you tell him of your decision, he has some options to pursue. Make sure there is a deadline and don't make it too far out! In addition, I'd urge you get counseling for yourself. It isn't easy to listen to a barrage of negativity. Get someone to help you work through that too. Good luck.

Good response from geewiz.. Id also make a list of the rules that he needs to follow. [I also had a bully father and no way would I have had him stay a day with me.]
So you can go to directly to asking him to leave. OR set up 10 house hold rules. that he speak to you like he would [his doctor, best mate etc] that he do the cleaning, that he makes his bed and vacuums, puts his dirty laundry and detail how often you will wash it. that he showers and puts wet towels into the hamper etc etc. That meals will be served at *** times and he is expected to take his dishes to the sink/dishwasher.
note his failure to abide by those rules ,OR/ and do as I did with my EX, I removed my services, .... stopped ironing his shirts, keeping meals hot because he did not get home on time. doing chores that pertained to him. etc etc and I made exactly the same number of cups of tea as he made me coffee. one big fat ZERO.
OR
Why did your Father move in with you in the first place, was it for financial reasons ??? is he paying you rent?? then up it for the extra he is putting upon you, 20% for verbal abuse 10% for cleaning up after him. 10% for no help at meal times... he will be out the door pronto. wishing you luck

Are you his POA? If so, you may want to speak to his doctor privately, and explain the situation. You may also want to speak to an elder lawyer and senior social worker as well. Explore the options in your area. I assist my mother who is 90 and selfish, negative, and unreasonable. Ruined all of her relationships and I'm all she has left. She could never live with me, so I help her a few days a week in her apartment and get other help in since she won't consider assisted living as yet. Move your father out into a safe environment, set your boundaries, and take good care of yourself. Best of luck to you.

windsor, great advice here so far. I'd like to second the counseling, call it coaching. I am not a completely different person for it, but I am more assertive and stronger than I was before. You don't have to be stuck in the role you always were. A coach will help you plan and execute these steps you need to take. Wishing you well.

He likely won't change his personality with or without counseling as I see it..
This is a painful situation for yourself and probably your father....
The "how?" can you get him out question is merely incidental because if you have the courage to obtain an eviction order, then the main thing is how you can handle the emotional trauma in the 30 day (or whatever) waiting period.

Bottom line...You CAN do it if you do it...
Grace and Peace,

Bob

I had the same problem with my mother the bully. I showed her who the boss was and she told everyone she could that I was a b*tch, she was a prisoner and lied about me and turned everyone against me.

Great answers here. You could also call Adult Protective Services in your state - just google those three words for your state, and self-report that you are a senior being emotionally abused by a family member. A social worker will then likely do a home safety check visit, speaking to both you and your Dad, and this will also cue him that you are setting a boundary for self protection and that you are serious. This state-funded person can then advise you on options for him and can open up the door to publicly funded services you may have a right to to help with him, which you might never otherwise know about. I would start here...they will not do anything dramatic, and they can let you know what you have a right to in terms of getting help with a solution for your Dad.

Do you include mental health when you say "he is in really good health"? Dementia can exacerbate personality traits and since he lives with you, he's always in your face. What went into making the decision to have him move in with you? He promised to "behave" and now isn't? No one else stepped up and you felt obligated even though on some level you knew the outcome? He is destitute and had no where else to go? If he was an abuser and not a father, I think you don't have much obligation to or for him. My husband is immobile, incontinent and self-centered. We have no money to self-pay a facility, and too much money to qualify for Medicaid or other help, so I'm stuck. And, he refuses to go to a facility anyway. Many people I have encountered in the health care field tell me I need to take care of myself. "Taking care of myself" would mean putting hubby full-time in a facility. I can tell you that over the past decade, my own physical and mental health has deteriorated. I wake up 6 out if 7 mornings thinking how much I hate my life. I am the result of what you will become if you don't take charge, as the others have said, and do something. Threatening him with upping his rent may frighten him into behaving for a while, but a leopard can't change his spots. Stop being an enabler and get out, or get him out while you still can.

Hugemom: "Many people I have encountered in the health care field tell me I need to take care of myself. "Taking care of myself" would mean putting hubby full-time in a facility. I can tell you that over the past decade, my own physical and mental health has deteriorated. I wake up 6 out if 7 mornings thinking how much I hate my life."

I don't think you are alone. It's really just a platitude when people say to take care of yourself, isn't it? If it was that easy, ~40% of caregivers wouldn't die before their charges!

A fairly quick way is to file for an order of protection. The court acts fairly quickly when a senior is being abused. Even if it is another senior doing it.

Then, have him removed by adult protective service.

I think I would tell him that he must move by Aug 1st (hard to find a place in Mid month) Then proceed to take legal action if he does not.

I would not threaten him...he might turn to physical abuse.

I will not say, Time to "evict your own father who has given you LIFE."
Now...
If you're feeling he is abusive, then call the police.)If you're again wanting to do this and about some saying "evict"or 1 person here i read saying time to evict senior-dad?I will word it more respectfully than that.

-Call homes-
-Several nursing homes around for him to live at,not too far from you."
-You're able to visit him. As i am assuming your loving mother is RIP as you have not mention her.

Ergo:

"Time to see about then a NICE CLEAN SAFE nursing home,that has everything he would need to enjoy the "rest of his life,hopefully rest of 80s, early 90s as many live much longer."Or simply the rest of his time he has left.Good luck to you.Interview effectively per home as there are many great ones, that really care once a senior-citizen is living there."This way, you're having the long-desired peace you're desiring being a senior yourself(i assume late sixties, or around there."and you're able to still visit, show love with dad flagrantly if you're finding it near you, and good luck."I hope it work out for you, and let me know how it go,if you're on,at the time you're placing him/attempting to find a great loving nursing home/senior community for him."#PRAYER4You 
adios.

What makes you so sure that your problems will be solved if you get him to move out? He probably will have problems with his neighbors too, then the building management and/or police will be calling you.

What makes so sure your problems will be solved if he moves out? He probably will have problems with his neighbors too. Then the building management and/ or police will be calling you. Sorry for the duplicate.

I hope you take heed to these good suggestions. You also could benefit from an objective therapist. Because you knew up front the type of person/father he was but yet you let him move in with you. This shows a clear lack of boundaries and perhaps a lack of self worth. I say this with a kind heart but if you couldn't say "no" to him then, you need help being firm and strong in the future. Getting clear on what your rights are and thatnYOU have a right to be happy and not stressed too. He is an adult and can live with the consequences of his behavior. I always think to myself the quote Dr. Phil made famous..."we teach people how to treat us". Get your big girl panties on and go forth, sister...you can do it!!

It is very hard to be a "senior" yourself and have a parent who looks at you and thinks you're still 30! Yesterday at Mother's I commented that my back was really sore from helping her walk around last weekend. She said "But you're so STRONG!" Yes, comparatively, I guess. Then I pointed out to her that my oldest child will be 40 in a few months. She looked so shocked--it really had NEVER occurred to her that I was also aging.
Being tough with a grouchy or mean parent is such a reversal of roles (although I can't say I was particularly grouchy with my kiddoes) We're never really prepared for it.
Be tough--be prepared to hear him be angry and hostile, but don't give in. I've watched my brother age 40 years in the last 20, caring for Mother. It was his CHOICE and it remains his CHOICE to have her at his home, but I would not be surprised if she outlives him. Take care of you!!

I actually just told my Dad that I was no longer a child and I had my own way of doing things.

Because my husband was still alive, I didn't allow dad to move in - but helped him to purchase a mobile home that stayed in my front yard for 5 years, until the day he passed. (I knew that as the only hen, the 2 roosters would make me nuts! I'd never be right!!)

I had to allow him to do things his way in his home, and he found he had to reciprocate and allow me to do things my way in my home.

The unwritten commandment is 'honor thy children' too.

There are a growing number of senior house sharing opportunities. As many seniors still own big homes and are empty nesters, many are renting out rooms in their homes. Read through the housing/situation wanted ads in your local paper, go to the bulletin board of your grocery store and library where seniors also post such ads, and help your father find new living arrangements.

Bullies tend to be cowards and so stand up for yourself. However, if you stand up to him and he lays a hand on you, call the police immediately and have him removed permanently. Do not become his victim.

My father does not care to live in at the independent level in a senior community. At 96, he is mobile and able to deal with his conditions himself. A year ago, he, my 18 year-old daughter and I, an elder myself, tried sharing a 3-bedroom apartment in the center of a large southwestern city's downtown LWP district. The closeness of quarters just was not a good fit. The apartment community management arranged for my father to acquire a one bedroom apartment and my daughter and I managed with a one-bedroom until, almost a year later, she married and moved to another state. Dad is ever so much happier in a close, but different, building in the same apartment community, and I, as an empty nester and a widow, am grateful for my one-bedroom where I have peace and quiet between chauffeuring and escorting him to weekly, or bi-weekly, clinic appointments, shopping for him (but not with him) and, when our high desert climate is at its best, he and I take 16-block long strolls. It is a much more satisfactory conversational setting calling him twice a day, at routine times, and, almost always unsuccessfully, attempting to have a completely positive socializing-based conversation with him after asking about garbage take-out, digital book mailouts needed, going over appointment itinerary, arranging for shopping list pickup and resultant grocery purchase unloadings, wherein he does not accompany to and from, and at, the store, and delivery, arranging for taking and bringing back laundry, done by me only, in a laundry room elsewhere, and how the temperature of his apartment is. If our conversation on our phones (he uses a landline and I a smartphone) get unhealthy for either one of us, we end them, more times than not, civilly. He is not asked over to my apartment and I do not stay in his apartment for more than an hour to read letters once a week to him, as he is borderline legally blind to where reading small font is difficult and he does not want to buy the only device that may work for him for a short while, a $2000.00 reading monitor. I do his accounting once a month and billpaying for him as needed and he is satisfied with me doing this as I am named in his will as his Estate's Personal Representative. I possess both his revocable POAs for regular duties for him and medical care at times of incommunicativeness. I also come once a week and sweep his little pile of dust in a corner into a dustpan and cut his pills and put them in his dispenser. We had a very miserable time sharing an apartment and will never do that again. He seems to think he will move to a veterans administration run veterans home here in the southwestern climate he has come to love and thrive in, if and when he may reach an assisted level living. Yes, it was a 6-month long, and traumatic, process arranging ourselves, but we accomplished it. I knew, however, when I invited my father to live with me in this lovely apartment community that the apartment management was prepared to accommodate me in, in terms of unit changes. Dad and I have very, very little in common, in terms of small talk, but our present arrangements are working quite nicely. He has learned to accept, as a widower, that he cannot enlist his widowed daughter to perform domestic duties for him as she did for her departed husband or as his departed wife did for him. I am so proud of him for overcoming learned helplessness in certain areas of his domesticity. I am embracing the New Normal of my personal life. Dad and I are able to conduct longer healthy conversations now than ever before. Our face-to-face conversations only deal with necessary business and then we part ways. All is well.

HUGE MOM & CTTN55:
"You have to take care of yourself"
Grrrrr....I get so frustrated when someone says that to me. Your right about it being a platitude. It no longer has meaning. People say it to placate you and to make themselves feel better. If it came from the heart with intent it would come out as "what can I do to help so you can get a break"
Don't hear that very often, if at all.

Back to the subject at hand. ..

My mom was awful growing up. Negative, rude, mean, etc.
Still had those traits when I moved back home to help.
Im not sure of the exact moment the light bulb went on as to all I do and how lucky she is, but it did. New person. Well, almost. I agree that most people do not change. But some can or at least try.
It's up to you to take a stand. Things are acceptable or not acceptable. Abuse is abuse, I matter what form. And it's so dangerous to your health.
There are so many good suggestions here, do whatever ithey takes to get out from under. You don't deserve mistreatment especially in your own home, not even by a parent. Wishing you luck. I'd like to know how it all plays out in the end. Please let us know.

Mojorax, you are so right!!

CTTN55, you are absolutely right! I love my husband and I know he would make everyone miserable if I were to place him in a SNF. Nit to mention that we would never be able to afford it. So how do I "take care" of myself? I spend as much time with my adored grandsons as I can. It doesn't make the verbal abuse from my husband any easier to take, but itmkeeps me from going completely buggy. Hugs and blessings to us all!

We are in a similar situation and are able to make other arrangements. I would love to help with advice or answers but like everyone else some of the questions need to be asked and answered. Maybe you could make a second post with more information so the advice can be specific to your situation. Dementia, financial, POA involved, siblings involved etc. God Bless You and hope you get a resolution soon

no everybody bird to be a caregive

#! Call APS
#2 Call town's LSW

Evict him. Do it legally through your sheriff. Stay with a friend or have a friend stay with you during the waiting period . If he is threatening to harm you either leave or lock yourself in a room and call the police. Once you get him out you might consider some talk therapy to explore the issues that allowed you to let this nasty man into your home and life. You deserve better. Good luck and bless you.

The Dr. Gave my hubby antidepressant prescription & chgd him from lion to a lamb. Good luck what ever you decide.

I loved my Dad but he wasn't easy to live with. Your Dad comes from a generation where woman took care of the house, kids and the husband. All his needs were met and he was the center of the family. He made all the decisions. They don't change. If my Mom went before my Dad, I would have not took my Dad in. He had a hard time with that thin line between kidding and being abusive and it got worse as he got older. I married no one like him. You r now an adult and don't need to go thru this.

What I have to say may sound harsh but as an abuse survivor myself, I must speak up and speak out because the abuse cycle never just goes away on its own without the abusers desire to change and even get help. If this never happens, the abuser is less likely to ever change and replace bad behaviors with good ones.

One thing I don't understand is why did you knowingly took this person in after they abused you growing up? You said yourself this person was a bully. That right there should've been enough for you to decide not to take him in but you knowingly put yourself in danger so your partially liable for this one. You knew this person hurt you growing up and you even said he never changed and is the same person today. As an abuse survivor myself I must ask a very firm question: Why did you take in your abuser? You know this person was toxic and yet you took him in anyway so you are part to blame for endangering yourself. I only say you are part to blame because you're an adult and you're responsible for the decisions you make. That's not to say you probably weren't brainwashed into believing that during those so-called good times you were tricked into thinking things have changed or would, only to be disappointed to find out they haven't changed. When will you learn? What will it take for you to realize the abuse cycle never ends because it won't go away?! I hate to tell you this, but being an abuse survivor myself, your story really angers me and I wish I could just shake you right now and make you realize that you are in a very dangerous position because not using your experience to learn the lesson you should've learned long ago, you're actually hurting yourself whether you realize it or not. If there's verbal abuse, chances are much higher that there's probably also physical abuse along with other types of abuse. Given your current situation, the first time someone like this would've raised a hand to me under my roof would've been the last because they would've faced some very serious consequences. Why haven't you learned that the abuse cycle never ends and abusers usually don't change? Why haven't you learned this? Why? I must speak up and speak out as an abuse survivor myself and I sure didn't even consider one day taking in my abusers. My rescue marked my commitment to not even have anything to do with those kinds of people. I'm not saying it's totally avoidable but you sure don't have to take them into your home because your home is your safe haven. If you keep hanging with these kinds of people, you become what's known as a "jerk magnet" and if you keep crawling back to this type of person, there's a point when you become a codependent. I think you need some counseling and professional help to fix what's broken in you because it sounds like you were very deeply hurt to the point you have some unresolved issues of your own or you never would've taken your abuser under your roof and jeopardized your own safety and well-being. What you need to do is just put this guy right out of your house here and now before he has a chance to cause you irreparable harm, (but I'm afraid he probably already has). Anytime someone bullies a child for long enough, it causes that child irreparable harm at some point. It sounds to me like you probably do have some issues from this and you're not helping yourself right now by keeping this man in your house. I don't care if he has anywhere to go, he needs to go, especially if he's getting drunk and doing this to you. if he's being abusive, he definitely needs to go and I'm speaking as a survivor myself because I personally would not put up with nowhere near what you've let yourself put up with

To all who have remarked about having too much money to qualify for Medicaid: Make an appointment with an ELDER LAW attorney immediately.
We just met with one this week. He is structuring my in-laws' affairs so that Dad's care will be paid entirely by Medicaid and Dad's small social security check. Mom will get to keep all their savings, her income AND their farm.
It was fear of "losing the farm to the nursing home" that made Mom care for Dad beyond her ability to do so. Dad is now in a wonderful SNF, receiving far better care than she was able to provide at home, and this would have been the case for the past year if they would have just gone to see the Elder Law attorney earlier.
Most EL attorneys will do an initial consultation for free, explain what they can do for you, and give you a price quote.
Don't think the family law attorney who says he can't help you is your only choice. Get thee to a specialist in Elder Law. Even if you have to drive a long way or consult by phone. It will be worth it. These attorneys stay up to date on the law changes that affect their clients.
Sorry this doesn't directly address the original question, except to say that there are legal methods to deal with your problem, and there are professionals who can give you
answers. If you just need to know where to start, you have received some great advice here from others.