I think I'm here mostly to know if my feelings are entirely unwarranted?
I (30's, Male, Oldest Sibling) am currently living with my Oma (Grandmother - 86, Widow) in a Home/ADU (my Wife and I are in the main house, and Oma is in the attached ADU). The arrangement was made to help ensure that, as her mobility and independence decline, we are available to support her in-home. She is adamant that she does not want to go into a nursing facility or 'home' as she refers to it. My wife and I agreed to this arrangement, and pay rent to her. She is still ambulatory (with the support of a cane due to a stroke last year, and a broken hip 5 years prior), and can drive. She is able to shower and feed herself, and for the time being we are simply careful observers, available to help at any moment. I understand that this sounds ideal, but I do know that this will not always be the case. We are prepared to support her in a full-time capacity when it comes.
My problem is that my Mother (Oma's Daughter), has showed very little interest in taking on the caregiver role, despite being retired and in good health to do so. She has leaned on me to handle it all - specifically that she, "wants to enjoy her retirement". And while I can understand wanting to explore the world and all the benefits of retirement, it has left me feeling resentful. While I understand that she is in no way REQUIRED to be a caregiver to her Mother, I can't help but feel that she should have stepped up? Her solution was a care home when it was presented to her, and knowing Oma's stance I opted step up.
My Mother is physically, financially available to step up. She is currently traveling the United States with her husband.My wife and I are both working full time 5 days a week an are struggling to make ends meet.
Am I wrong to feel resentful? And, am I wrong to be afraid that I will be stuck in a caregiver capacity for my Oma AND my Mother..? As my Mother's Husband is 10 years older than her, she's expressed already that the ADU will be a perfect place for the 'wayward old ladies' of the family, where they can be close to us.
I've expressed to my Mother that I am scared to lose our identity in caregiving. That I am scared we will never get to live our own loves.
I'm... scared. I want to do the right thing. I am afraid of what that will mean for me and my own little family long term...
If I were you, I'd stop worrying about caregiving for others and come to a decision about how you and your wife want to live YOUR lives. Now and in the future. I made my decision early on and let my parents know I'd not be living with them or vice versa, that senior living and autonomy would be their only option. But that I would always be there to help them and be their advocate for the duration. And I was. It worked out beautifully with them living in Independent Living, then Assisted Living then Memory Care for mom. I still did a ton, but got to go home every night and sleep in my own bed with my husband.
There are many options you can choose with none of them being right or wrong. Let your mom travel while she can, too. I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at 65, right after my mother died at 95. My travel days ground to a halt right when "retirement" should've kicked in. Nothing in life is guaranteed, my friend.
Grandmother is getting a huge free ride that will become worse over time, and take away your best years. It is very selfish of her. Your Mom also is thinking she gets the free ride next after Grandmother is gone.
You won't get these years back, either. Don't waste time being resentful, find a better solution, and let these 2 women find their own solution as well.
Your grandma doesn't want to go to a "home" probably based on what she saw 50 or more years ago when her grandparents and parents were getting old. And of course nobody wants to confront their own aging and mortality. It's an unfortunate truth that as our elders become much more dependent on us is right when they start to lack the cognitive ability to SEE how dependent they are becoming. It's two sides of the same coin, cognition slows down making them both dependent and unaware.
There are a million things for you to think about and people will be along with a lot of good suggestions. Off the top of my head right now I think you should absolutely not be renting the house unless you have a legally binding rent to own contract, and you should not be mixing the housing up as compensation for caregiving. People are "promised" compensation for caregiving all the time and then find themselves homeless, jobless, and with no documented work history when all is said and done.
Also go visit some elder care communities just on your own, so you know what "the home" really is. My mom's place is SO NICE it's unbelievable. It's expensive, so I sold her house (on her behalf, using my legal powers of attorney) to pay for it and I own my own house, separately.
You know how on an airplane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others? That's solid life advice too. Don't commit yourself to an undetermined number of hours, days, and years of unspecified caregiving while failing to build a solid foundation of your own. Your mom isn't being selfish (from what you've written so far), I think she's making sure her oxygen mask is on first.
"I've expressed to my Mother that I am scared to lose our identity in caregiving. That I am scared we will never get to live our own loves.
I'm... scared. I want to do the right thing. I am afraid of what that will mean for me and my own little family long term..." SO DON'T! Those are completely legitimate fears.
Not only is Oma taking away your life and your wife's, she's charging YOU money, even though "My wife and I are both working full time 5 days a week an are struggling to make ends meet"!
Don't blame your mother for this. Blame your selfish Oma who thinks somebody else needs to give up THEIR life for HER. Your mother evaded this. You should too. There are plenty of people who Oma can hire. There are plenty of nice facilities Oma can move to. You and your wife only get this time in your life once. Don't throw it away on some misplaced sense of obligation. If this was your genuine choice, you'd be writing, "We're so lucky that my mother wants to travel so we get to spend our limited free time AND our limited income catering to Oma, yay!" But you're not, are you?
It's genuinely laudable that want to help your Oma. But even that is questionable, whether it's really helping. As I wrote in my first reply to you, keeping her isolated at home will probably not even be healthy or safe for her in the long run. So everyone will end up losing out.
Anyhow, that's my "tough love" take. You've been very thoughtful in taking all the time to reply. I'm truly thinking of any of my wonderful grandchildren being put in this position and it breaks my heart to imagine them getting their lives constrained on my behalf.
Your resentment is not going to go away and honestly this situation can impact your marriage when your grandmother declines further. So you perhaps you should inform your mother that you and your wife do not want to continue with this arrangement and let your mother figure out the next steps for your grandmother.
It was very unfair of your mother to place the onus of your grandmother's care on you and your wife.
The reality is every nursing home is filled with people who do not want to be there but circumstances sometimes dictate that it has to happen.
You are only young once and you do not get this time back. You and your wife should go live your lives.
Mom isn't required to take care of grandma, nor are you and your spouse required to take care of grandma.
I have to wonder, is your wife *really* on board with taking care of your grandma until the very bitter end while meanwhile you all are paying rent, are working full-time, and basically preserving the house as an asset for someone else— instead of saving for your own house, children and future retirement?
And presumably when caregiving starts to get real: for example, helping to lift someone off and on a toilet, helping to wipe them, changing depends, etc. I assume your wife will be doing that, not you. (I can understand both you and your grandma not feeling comfortable with you as her grandson doing those very basic caregiving activities.) Is your wife OK with that?
Also any siblings or aunts and uncles in the mix? And what about your father? What does he think about this set-up?
I don’t blame your mother for wanting to enjoy her retirement. What I find shocking is that she didn’t counsel you against this plan of moving in with your Oma and paying her rent. And more shocking to me is that she said maybe she would take Oma’s place when the time comes, and you can take care of her too.
If my son and his wife were asked or felt like they should offer to do live-in elder care for anyone, I would urge them not to do it. Under no circumstances would I endorse that they do it for my mother or for myself. I don’t want to depend on him in this way, ever. I want him to have the happiest life with the most choice possible, and to concentrate on what he and his wife want.
I wonder if his mom (and Oma), have ever been front row center to any caregiving. I know I did not give the situation the time and careful consideration before jumping in, not that I necessarily would not have still done it… AND, I was raised with the expectation that that is just what families do.
But until you actually are in the midst of it (and each persons situation can be different)—you have NO IDEA. You really can’t. And so I wonder if many elderly or aging just don’t realize the impact, the extreme lengths and weight that these situations can evolve into. Maybe his family thinks the home with reasonable rent is a fair exchange, because they do not have a concept of the level of care and weight of responsibility that this could become?
Why are you paying rent if you are there to be supportive of your oma? I can see the rationale for paying the utilities since you are in the main house, but it doesn't make sense to me why, if you are family and ostensibly there as back-up helpers so she could stay in her home, you should be paying for the privilege.
First, I would have an honest conversation with your wife about the sacrifices you will face in your future if you stay there much longer. I see three options.:
1) If you reasonably conclude that you don't want to risk your careers and delay starting a family (because you will be roped into being full-time hands-on caregivers sooner or later) then make plans to leave. Tell your mom and your oma that you'll be moving out on x date, and pay your rent money elsewhere.
2) If you decide you'll stick around until she needs more care than you can provide without impacting your work schedules, that's fine, too. But tell your mom and your oma that this is as much care as you'll be able to provide, and when she needs more because of dementia, an illness, a fall, they should be prepared to move her into assisted living or a nursing home or pay for outside caregivers in her home. Regardless, it will not be you changing those diapers or missing work to take her to dozens of doctor appointments.
3) If you decide that this is important for you to do for your oma, no matter where it leads or, remember that this is your choice. And you can also change your mind later and move out. You did not sign a contract in blood.
IF you choose #2 or #3, I would re-negotiate your terms for staying in the house. You should not be paying rent. In exchange for the sacrifice you are making, the least they should do is let you save the rent money for your future. Maybe save for a downpayment on your own house! It's very possible the house will be sold in the future to pay for oma's care. Don't agree that inheriting the house will be your payment. There is no guarantee that will happen, especially if your oma lives another 10-15 years, has a long slow decline, and needs to be in a nursing home and eventually qualify for Medicaid.
Also, you should tell your mother now that you won't be supporting her at home just as she's not supporting her mother at home. When the time comes, she can go into a facility since that is the decision she is making for her herself and her mother.
Many adult children get taken advantage of. Don't be one of them.