I think I'm here mostly to know if my feelings are entirely unwarranted?
I (30's, Male, Oldest Sibling) am currently living with my Oma (Grandmother - 86, Widow) in a Home/ADU (my Wife and I are in the main house, and Oma is in the attached ADU). The arrangement was made to help ensure that, as her mobility and independence decline, we are available to support her in-home. She is adamant that she does not want to go into a nursing facility or 'home' as she refers to it. My wife and I agreed to this arrangement, and pay rent to her. She is still ambulatory (with the support of a cane due to a stroke last year, and a broken hip 5 years prior), and can drive. She is able to shower and feed herself, and for the time being we are simply careful observers, available to help at any moment. I understand that this sounds ideal, but I do know that this will not always be the case. We are prepared to support her in a full-time capacity when it comes.
My problem is that my Mother (Oma's Daughter), has showed very little interest in taking on the caregiver role, despite being retired and in good health to do so. She has leaned on me to handle it all - specifically that she, "wants to enjoy her retirement". And while I can understand wanting to explore the world and all the benefits of retirement, it has left me feeling resentful. While I understand that she is in no way REQUIRED to be a caregiver to her Mother, I can't help but feel that she should have stepped up? Her solution was a care home when it was presented to her, and knowing Oma's stance I opted step up.
My Mother is physically, financially available to step up. She is currently traveling the United States with her husband.My wife and I are both working full time 5 days a week an are struggling to make ends meet.
Am I wrong to feel resentful? And, am I wrong to be afraid that I will be stuck in a caregiver capacity for my Oma AND my Mother..? As my Mother's Husband is 10 years older than her, she's expressed already that the ADU will be a perfect place for the 'wayward old ladies' of the family, where they can be close to us.
I've expressed to my Mother that I am scared to lose our identity in caregiving. That I am scared we will never get to live our own loves.
I'm... scared. I want to do the right thing. I am afraid of what that will mean for me and my own little family long term...
I’d make a couple of suggestions now:
1) Put a time limit on this arrangement, and put it in writing. Perhaps a year, even two, but then to be reconsidered by everyone involved (particularly you and your wife). Refer to it in discussions regularly so that reconsideration stays on the drawing board.
2) Make time for you and your wife to visit the age care options which are conveniently located. Let Oma know that’s what you are doing, and talk in her hearing about how you find them.
3) Take her out to lunch, and have the lunch at the nicest facility you find.
4) Work out the time you and your wife are each spending now, even if just as “careful observers”, and the time you get truly on your own. Record it now, and update it when things change.
None of these suggestions need to be done immediately, but keeping them in mind is good for you, your wife, your mother and your grandmother OMA.
"I've expressed to my Mother that I am scared to lose our identity in caregiving. That I am scared we will never get to live our own loves.
I'm... scared. I want to do the right thing. I am afraid of what that will mean for me and my own little family long term..." SO DON'T! Those are completely legitimate fears.
Not only is Oma taking away your life and your wife's, she's charging YOU money, even though "My wife and I are both working full time 5 days a week an are struggling to make ends meet"!
Don't blame your mother for this. Blame your selfish Oma who thinks somebody else needs to give up THEIR life for HER. Your mother evaded this. You should too. There are plenty of people who Oma can hire. There are plenty of nice facilities Oma can move to. You and your wife only get this time in your life once. Don't throw it away on some misplaced sense of obligation. If this was your genuine choice, you'd be writing, "We're so lucky that my mother wants to travel so we get to spend our limited free time AND our limited income catering to Oma, yay!" But you're not, are you?
It's genuinely laudable that want to help your Oma. But even that is questionable, whether it's really helping. As I wrote in my first reply to you, keeping her isolated at home will probably not even be healthy or safe for her in the long run. So everyone will end up losing out.
Anyhow, that's my "tough love" take. You've been very thoughtful in taking all the time to reply. I'm truly thinking of any of my wonderful grandchildren being put in this position and it breaks my heart to imagine them getting their lives constrained on my behalf.
I have to wonder, is your wife *really* on board with taking care of your grandma until the very bitter end while meanwhile you all are paying rent, are working full-time, and basically preserving the house as an asset for someone else— instead of saving for your own house, children and future retirement?
And presumably when caregiving starts to get real: for example, helping to lift someone off and on a toilet, helping to wipe them, changing depends, etc. I assume your wife will be doing that, not you. (I can understand both you and your grandma not feeling comfortable with you as her grandson doing those very basic caregiving activities.) Is your wife OK with that?
Also any siblings or aunts and uncles in the mix? And what about your father? What does he think about this set-up?
Thankfully Oma and I have discussed in-home care, and what she might want that to look like - at least during the day while we are working. We have also discussed what full time care will look like, but not as in depth.
She is stubborn, and even at the mention of homes because disagreeable and short - but I think with a lot of information on hand from this forum we can broach that topic and get her (mostly willingly) on board to explore options
Thank you all so much for reading, providing insight and support.
I’m not very bright, and I’m sorry for any information that seems disjointed or unclear.
I’ve learned a lot from this, and it’s helped me to feel validated in my feelings, but also understand my ownership in the situation as a whole.
Still a little scared, but also grateful to you all.
Bstrong you mentioned this in a response and I think it deserves it's own answer so it doesn't get missed. Sooner rather than later is a great time to discuss this with mom. Be clear that this is working for yourself and your wife right now, but that doesn't mean you intend to make an unpaid career of it or even that it will still work for you in a year!
Whenever it feels hard to stick up for yourself maybe imagine you have a wonderful child of your own, and whether you'd feel comfortable saddling them with a lifetime of caregiving expectations for your mom and then yourself as you age. I bet you wouldn't even consider it, so don't consider it for yourself either.
I posted here on a whim, but I’m glad that I did. Thank you. Even if some of the answers hurt, I’m learning a lot.
You are young. You and your wife deserve a stable life and deserve to make plans for starting your own family and not being saddled with an elderly person who refuses to participate in decisions for her own care.
And I stand behind my decision to help my Oma - it wasn’t “bad”. It was made with the best intentions, as messy as that can sometimes make things, and left me curious to know if others had felt the same and had insight.
Why are you paying rent if you are there to be supportive of your oma? I can see the rationale for paying the utilities since you are in the main house, but it doesn't make sense to me why, if you are family and ostensibly there as back-up helpers so she could stay in her home, you should be paying for the privilege.
First, I would have an honest conversation with your wife about the sacrifices you will face in your future if you stay there much longer. I see three options.:
1) If you reasonably conclude that you don't want to risk your careers and delay starting a family (because you will be roped into being full-time hands-on caregivers sooner or later) then make plans to leave. Tell your mom and your oma that you'll be moving out on x date, and pay your rent money elsewhere.
2) If you decide you'll stick around until she needs more care than you can provide without impacting your work schedules, that's fine, too. But tell your mom and your oma that this is as much care as you'll be able to provide, and when she needs more because of dementia, an illness, a fall, they should be prepared to move her into assisted living or a nursing home or pay for outside caregivers in her home. Regardless, it will not be you changing those diapers or missing work to take her to dozens of doctor appointments.
3) If you decide that this is important for you to do for your oma, no matter where it leads or, remember that this is your choice. And you can also change your mind later and move out. You did not sign a contract in blood.
IF you choose #2 or #3, I would re-negotiate your terms for staying in the house. You should not be paying rent. In exchange for the sacrifice you are making, the least they should do is let you save the rent money for your future. Maybe save for a downpayment on your own house! It's very possible the house will be sold in the future to pay for oma's care. Don't agree that inheriting the house will be your payment. There is no guarantee that will happen, especially if your oma lives another 10-15 years, has a long slow decline, and needs to be in a nursing home and eventually qualify for Medicaid.
Also, you should tell your mother now that you won't be supporting her at home just as she's not supporting her mother at home. When the time comes, she can go into a facility since that is the decision she is making for her herself and her mother.
Many adult children get taken advantage of. Don't be one of them.
The Will not and the can't do can be for any reason. The reasons do not matter.
And you have to make it clear that if and when your situation changes the Will, Will not and Can't may also change.
This is why you should have a written Caregiver Agreement.
You should also state that you expect to be paid for any caregiving services that you do.
Do not let Rent and Caregiving services get brought up.
Your other option is to inform Oma and your Mother that you will be looking for your own home. give a time frame that works for you and your wife. 6 months, a year this would also give you time to save some money for the move either to your own home or apartment.
Do not let your life be sucked dry
Your resentment is not going to go away and honestly this situation can impact your marriage when your grandmother declines further. So you perhaps you should inform your mother that you and your wife do not want to continue with this arrangement and let your mother figure out the next steps for your grandmother.
It was very unfair of your mother to place the onus of your grandmother's care on you and your wife.
The reality is every nursing home is filled with people who do not want to be there but circumstances sometimes dictate that it has to happen.
You are only young once and you do not get this time back. You and your wife should go live your lives.
Why did you bring your wife into this situation? Just because it means you get to live in a bigger house?
Grandma doesn’t own you either. In your 30s you should be maxing in your careers, having a family if you want one, spending your after work evenings and weekends having fun with friends, going on day trips and weekend getaways, enjoying your hobbies or volunteer activities, and BEING YOUNG. Not being voluntarily held hostage by a stubborn old lady.
Let Grandma hire help or move to care. She has both the house and the ADU to sell if she needs to. Move out and enjoy your lives now and work on building your own futures. Get travel tips from your mother and take some actual vacations.
It’s worth clarifying that my wife agreed to this arrangement, as we do with all things. We’ve been together for 20 years, and all things are done as a team.
The housing situation was at Omas request, as she wanted to live “alone” without having to manage the property and remain as independent as possible. We moved to this state to be closer to her. We moved in because she asked us to, we agreed as a team, and knew it would help her be comfortable and safe.
We don’t get the house - my Mother will. It will likely be sold when Oma passes.
Of course your grandma's care will increase more as she gets older, and if you and she opt to keep her out of a "home," her care will all be on you if you allow it. So unless you and your wife move far away and make it perfectly clear to your SELFISH mother that you're wiping your hands of grandma's care and that she must now step up, nothing will change and it will be you wiping grandma's butt when she poops in her diaper.
You can't change your selfish mother but you can change yourself and stand up for your wife, marriage and family as they are and should be your one and only priority.
There's nothing wrong with your mother wanting to enjoy her retirement after she's done right by her own mother by getting her placed in the appropriate facility if she doesn't want to do the hands on care, but it is very wrong to expect her son to be the one who looks after her.
I wish you well in finding a new place to live as far away as possible from grandma and your selfish mom.
If I were you, I'd stop worrying about caregiving for others and come to a decision about how you and your wife want to live YOUR lives. Now and in the future. I made my decision early on and let my parents know I'd not be living with them or vice versa, that senior living and autonomy would be their only option. But that I would always be there to help them and be their advocate for the duration. And I was. It worked out beautifully with them living in Independent Living, then Assisted Living then Memory Care for mom. I still did a ton, but got to go home every night and sleep in my own bed with my husband.
There are many options you can choose with none of them being right or wrong. Let your mom travel while she can, too. I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at 65, right after my mother died at 95. My travel days ground to a halt right when "retirement" should've kicked in. Nothing in life is guaranteed, my friend.
Your grandma doesn't want to go to a "home" probably based on what she saw 50 or more years ago when her grandparents and parents were getting old. And of course nobody wants to confront their own aging and mortality. It's an unfortunate truth that as our elders become much more dependent on us is right when they start to lack the cognitive ability to SEE how dependent they are becoming. It's two sides of the same coin, cognition slows down making them both dependent and unaware.
There are a million things for you to think about and people will be along with a lot of good suggestions. Off the top of my head right now I think you should absolutely not be renting the house unless you have a legally binding rent to own contract, and you should not be mixing the housing up as compensation for caregiving. People are "promised" compensation for caregiving all the time and then find themselves homeless, jobless, and with no documented work history when all is said and done.
Also go visit some elder care communities just on your own, so you know what "the home" really is. My mom's place is SO NICE it's unbelievable. It's expensive, so I sold her house (on her behalf, using my legal powers of attorney) to pay for it and I own my own house, separately.
You know how on an airplane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others? That's solid life advice too. Don't commit yourself to an undetermined number of hours, days, and years of unspecified caregiving while failing to build a solid foundation of your own. Your mom isn't being selfish (from what you've written so far), I think she's making sure her oxygen mask is on first.
Mom isn't required to take care of grandma, nor are you and your spouse required to take care of grandma.