I think I'm here mostly to know if my feelings are entirely unwarranted?
I (30's, Male, Oldest Sibling) am currently living with my Oma (Grandmother - 86, Widow) in a Home/ADU (my Wife and I are in the main house, and Oma is in the attached ADU). The arrangement was made to help ensure that, as her mobility and independence decline, we are available to support her in-home. She is adamant that she does not want to go into a nursing facility or 'home' as she refers to it. My wife and I agreed to this arrangement, and pay rent to her. She is still ambulatory (with the support of a cane due to a stroke last year, and a broken hip 5 years prior), and can drive. She is able to shower and feed herself, and for the time being we are simply careful observers, available to help at any moment. I understand that this sounds ideal, but I do know that this will not always be the case. We are prepared to support her in a full-time capacity when it comes.
My problem is that my Mother (Oma's Daughter), has showed very little interest in taking on the caregiver role, despite being retired and in good health to do so. She has leaned on me to handle it all - specifically that she, "wants to enjoy her retirement". And while I can understand wanting to explore the world and all the benefits of retirement, it has left me feeling resentful. While I understand that she is in no way REQUIRED to be a caregiver to her Mother, I can't help but feel that she should have stepped up? Her solution was a care home when it was presented to her, and knowing Oma's stance I opted step up.
My Mother is physically, financially available to step up. She is currently traveling the United States with her husband.My wife and I are both working full time 5 days a week an are struggling to make ends meet.
Am I wrong to feel resentful? And, am I wrong to be afraid that I will be stuck in a caregiver capacity for my Oma AND my Mother..? As my Mother's Husband is 10 years older than her, she's expressed already that the ADU will be a perfect place for the 'wayward old ladies' of the family, where they can be close to us.
I've expressed to my Mother that I am scared to lose our identity in caregiving. That I am scared we will never get to live our own loves.
I'm... scared. I want to do the right thing. I am afraid of what that will mean for me and my own little family long term...
If I were you, I'd stop worrying about caregiving for others and come to a decision about how you and your wife want to live YOUR lives. Now and in the future. I made my decision early on and let my parents know I'd not be living with them or vice versa, that senior living and autonomy would be their only option. But that I would always be there to help them and be their advocate for the duration. And I was. It worked out beautifully with them living in Independent Living, then Assisted Living then Memory Care for mom. I still did a ton, but got to go home every night and sleep in my own bed with my husband.
There are many options you can choose with none of them being right or wrong. Let your mom travel while she can, too. I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer at 65, right after my mother died at 95. My travel days ground to a halt right when "retirement" should've kicked in. Nothing in life is guaranteed, my friend.
Mom isn't required to take care of grandma, nor are you and your spouse required to take care of grandma.
Your grandma doesn't want to go to a "home" probably based on what she saw 50 or more years ago when her grandparents and parents were getting old. And of course nobody wants to confront their own aging and mortality. It's an unfortunate truth that as our elders become much more dependent on us is right when they start to lack the cognitive ability to SEE how dependent they are becoming. It's two sides of the same coin, cognition slows down making them both dependent and unaware.
There are a million things for you to think about and people will be along with a lot of good suggestions. Off the top of my head right now I think you should absolutely not be renting the house unless you have a legally binding rent to own contract, and you should not be mixing the housing up as compensation for caregiving. People are "promised" compensation for caregiving all the time and then find themselves homeless, jobless, and with no documented work history when all is said and done.
Also go visit some elder care communities just on your own, so you know what "the home" really is. My mom's place is SO NICE it's unbelievable. It's expensive, so I sold her house (on her behalf, using my legal powers of attorney) to pay for it and I own my own house, separately.
You know how on an airplane they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others? That's solid life advice too. Don't commit yourself to an undetermined number of hours, days, and years of unspecified caregiving while failing to build a solid foundation of your own. Your mom isn't being selfish (from what you've written so far), I think she's making sure her oxygen mask is on first.
Your resentment is not going to go away and honestly this situation can impact your marriage when your grandmother declines further. So you perhaps you should inform your mother that you and your wife do not want to continue with this arrangement and let your mother figure out the next steps for your grandmother.
It was very unfair of your mother to place the onus of your grandmother's care on you and your wife.
The reality is every nursing home is filled with people who do not want to be there but circumstances sometimes dictate that it has to happen.
You are only young once and you do not get this time back. You and your wife should go live your lives.
Why are you paying rent if you are there to be supportive of your oma? I can see the rationale for paying the utilities since you are in the main house, but it doesn't make sense to me why, if you are family and ostensibly there as back-up helpers so she could stay in her home, you should be paying for the privilege.
First, I would have an honest conversation with your wife about the sacrifices you will face in your future if you stay there much longer. I see three options.:
1) If you reasonably conclude that you don't want to risk your careers and delay starting a family (because you will be roped into being full-time hands-on caregivers sooner or later) then make plans to leave. Tell your mom and your oma that you'll be moving out on x date, and pay your rent money elsewhere.
2) If you decide you'll stick around until she needs more care than you can provide without impacting your work schedules, that's fine, too. But tell your mom and your oma that this is as much care as you'll be able to provide, and when she needs more because of dementia, an illness, a fall, they should be prepared to move her into assisted living or a nursing home or pay for outside caregivers in her home. Regardless, it will not be you changing those diapers or missing work to take her to dozens of doctor appointments.
3) If you decide that this is important for you to do for your oma, no matter where it leads or, remember that this is your choice. And you can also change your mind later and move out. You did not sign a contract in blood.
IF you choose #2 or #3, I would re-negotiate your terms for staying in the house. You should not be paying rent. In exchange for the sacrifice you are making, the least they should do is let you save the rent money for your future. Maybe save for a downpayment on your own house! It's very possible the house will be sold in the future to pay for oma's care. Don't agree that inheriting the house will be your payment. There is no guarantee that will happen, especially if your oma lives another 10-15 years, has a long slow decline, and needs to be in a nursing home and eventually qualify for Medicaid.
Also, you should tell your mother now that you won't be supporting her at home just as she's not supporting her mother at home. When the time comes, she can go into a facility since that is the decision she is making for her herself and her mother.
Many adult children get taken advantage of. Don't be one of them.
Why did you bring your wife into this situation? Just because it means you get to live in a bigger house?
Grandma doesn’t own you either. In your 30s you should be maxing in your careers, having a family if you want one, spending your after work evenings and weekends having fun with friends, going on day trips and weekend getaways, enjoying your hobbies or volunteer activities, and BEING YOUNG. Not being voluntarily held hostage by a stubborn old lady.
Let Grandma hire help or move to care. She has both the house and the ADU to sell if she needs to. Move out and enjoy your lives now and work on building your own futures. Get travel tips from your mother and take some actual vacations.
It’s worth clarifying that my wife agreed to this arrangement, as we do with all things. We’ve been together for 20 years, and all things are done as a team.
The housing situation was at Omas request, as she wanted to live “alone” without having to manage the property and remain as independent as possible. We moved to this state to be closer to her. We moved in because she asked us to, we agreed as a team, and knew it would help her be comfortable and safe.
We don’t get the house - my Mother will. It will likely be sold when Oma passes.
Bstrong you mentioned this in a response and I think it deserves it's own answer so it doesn't get missed. Sooner rather than later is a great time to discuss this with mom. Be clear that this is working for yourself and your wife right now, but that doesn't mean you intend to make an unpaid career of it or even that it will still work for you in a year!
Whenever it feels hard to stick up for yourself maybe imagine you have a wonderful child of your own, and whether you'd feel comfortable saddling them with a lifetime of caregiving expectations for your mom and then yourself as you age. I bet you wouldn't even consider it, so don't consider it for yourself either.
I posted here on a whim, but I’m glad that I did. Thank you. Even if some of the answers hurt, I’m learning a lot.
Thankfully Oma and I have discussed in-home care, and what she might want that to look like - at least during the day while we are working. We have also discussed what full time care will look like, but not as in depth.
She is stubborn, and even at the mention of homes because disagreeable and short - but I think with a lot of information on hand from this forum we can broach that topic and get her (mostly willingly) on board to explore options
And I stand behind my decision to help my Oma - it wasn’t “bad”. It was made with the best intentions, as messy as that can sometimes make things, and left me curious to know if others had felt the same and had insight.