I was hoping I could keep my mother out of a nursing home but I am too young to retire and I don't have the skill to take care of her, nor is my single wide mobile home sufficient. Anyway she fell on February 7th and the EMTs came and took her to the hospital. On Feb 10th she was moved to a nursing home. I was able to talk to her then. I tried calling her on Sat the 11th and Sunday the 12th and finally talked to her that night but she was different. The I went to visit her on Wednesday and she had really changed in less than a week. I've been there a couple other times and some of my friends have gone to visit her. It really spooks me to go to the nursing home, to see my mother deteriorate and not be able to talk to her and to see her so disoriented in such a short time.
Before my father passed away, he had been in the hospital after surgery and was totally disoriented even in the hospital. The nurses said it was due to a what they refer to as "sundowning" which occurs usually later in the day when the elderly person starts getting confused. He continued to have it in rehab., but after a while, he was much better..
It is heartbreaking to see our parent in this condition. My heart goes out to you. But hopefully, your mother will improve after she becomes accustomed to her new environment..
This is a big adjustment for you as well; and you will feel more comfortable as time goes on. I brought so many of my mother's things such as pictures, prints on the wall that she likes; her bedspread, etc. Being surrounded by familiar belongings is comforting. I encouraged my mother to take part in all the activities offered at the facility. It took her some time, but she eventually did. Take care and hope things improve.
Second of all, if someone tells you that you are not visiting enough or that you are not doing something right, tell them to take a big, deep breath and blow it out their ***. You are the one who knows what you can and cannot do and you need to be comfortable with yourself and your decisions.
The last entry had some great words of advice- "You come here and love her, and you leave" Just know that these words are easy to say, but it takes time to make them true for you. Jean
This facility insisted on putting her on an anti-psychotic drug for agitation. Everyone is on one of the three drugs. There's a screamer on the floor - a drugged person who sleeps most of time but has bouts of screaming when she wakes up. It is unsettling to all the residents. The atmosphere is institutional, not at all homey, and the music and TV are on LOUD all the time. Residents are not allowed in their rooms alone except to sleep, so they cannot escape the noise.
Needless to say, I arranged for a transfer to another place which, although a locked unit, allows the residents to wander and go back to their room alone when quiet time is needed. The atmosphere is homey, lots of overstuffed chairs, a beautiful dining room and lots of therapy - PT, art, music, etc., all paid for by medicare and supplemental insurance. They take no "screamers," people with behavioral problems and will take my mother off her anti-psychotic drug if at all possible. At first she was "cuckoo" on the drug, but after about a week has regained her lucidity. Apparently, this is a common phenomenon with these drugs.
My mother will, hopefully, come home once she has gained maximum Physical Therapy benefit from the new place. I wish you the best of luck!!
I gather that part of your guilt is there because you do love her and want to care for her. YOU ARE! Once your mother recovers from her fall and subsequent disorientation she may become more herself. At that time, usually within 3 months (and, by the way, that's all Medicare will pay for) she may be able to go to an assisted living facility or even home with hired caregiver help. The latter choice is the least expensive of the three and no matter where she is you will still be the one making sure she gets the proper care. Whatever caused the fall in the first place could happen again and no matter where she is - home, AL or NH she could fall again. If falling is the only problem it needs to be addressed directly, it is not cause to place one in a NH.
For now, with a little "attitude adjustment" on your part, visit her as much as you can. Go to the garden, or for walks (in her wheelchair if she has one), or to listen to the entertainment they bring in. Take chocolates (cookies, peanuts, whatever) a reward for both of you, and share with the staff. They will remember you and they know how difficult it is for you. If she doesn't respond to you she might be angry (you did the only thing you could do), or more likely she may be under the effects of some medication or combination of meds. Likely, she still looks forward to your visits and a change from the daily routine. Talk to her personal physician to get your questions answered about meds, cause of the fall, prognosis.
Yes, it's hard. I worked as a therapist in NHs for awhile and it took me a little time before I could walk in the door looking forward to the people I would interact with and not notice the unpleasant things. Hang in there and know lots of us care.
She would always use her "house" as a way for me to take care of her and do her bidding and now that my husband and I are making it alright she is very jelous over not having any control anymore and very sneakingly mean.
Sorry to get off subject... just venting.... it does not get any easier.
Nope, it does not get any easier to see them decline. My mother continues to get very confused about what season of the year it is and has these delusions of going on trips that she's not gone on in years, plus thinks because of those delusions that she can go to yard sales on Saturday as if she totally forgets that she cannot walk, nor has she walked in almost 3 years now, nor can function in a wheel chair. She used to be so in control and so controlling of me as a child through my years in college and it upset her when I let her know that I was putting my wife ahead of her. In many ways dealing with my MIL has been like dealing with my controlling mother who did not want her daughter to get married. I'm glad that my wife got her freedom and that I have mine. Basically, we come into this world weak and helpless and we leave this life weak and helpless.
See All Answers