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I was hoping I could keep my mother out of a nursing home but I am too young to retire and I don't have the skill to take care of her, nor is my single wide mobile home sufficient. Anyway she fell on February 7th and the EMTs came and took her to the hospital. On Feb 10th she was moved to a nursing home. I was able to talk to her then. I tried calling her on Sat the 11th and Sunday the 12th and finally talked to her that night but she was different. The I went to visit her on Wednesday and she had really changed in less than a week. I've been there a couple other times and some of my friends have gone to visit her. It really spooks me to go to the nursing home, to see my mother deteriorate and not be able to talk to her and to see her so disoriented in such a short time.

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I feel badly for you and this situation. It is difficult going to a nursing home to visit our parents; I understand how you are uncomfortable. It is an adjustment for everyone concerned. Does your mother have dementia? It is common for the elderly to be disoriented in a new environment and takes a period of adjustment. My mother is in a nursing home, but has adjusted well; however not everyone does.

Before my father passed away, he had been in the hospital after surgery and was totally disoriented even in the hospital. The nurses said it was due to a what they refer to as "sundowning" which occurs usually later in the day when the elderly person starts getting confused. He continued to have it in rehab., but after a while, he was much better..

It is heartbreaking to see our parent in this condition. My heart goes out to you. But hopefully, your mother will improve after she becomes accustomed to her new environment..

This is a big adjustment for you as well; and you will feel more comfortable as time goes on. I brought so many of my mother's things such as pictures, prints on the wall that she likes; her bedspread, etc. Being surrounded by familiar belongings is comforting. I encouraged my mother to take part in all the activities offered at the facility. It took her some time, but she eventually did. Take care and hope things improve.
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Why not schedule a conversation with her doctor and find out what meds he/she has your mom on? If she were my mother, I'd want a list of what she's taking and why. Then I'd go home and do some of my own research to find out the side effects etc. about those drugs. I think when it comes to nursing homes, knowledge is key to making choices when you see things like you're describing. Also, I would be making friends with the people that are directly responsible for your mom's well-being. They're much more likely to tell you what you want to know when you're not wigged out about something and put them on the defensive. When my mother-in-law was in rehab in a nursing home, I would stop by the grocery store on my way out to see her and pick up a platter of cookies for them every single Friday. They were very appreciative, and took extra care in helping me when I would see something I didn't care for. And I've gotta say, visiting a nursing home leaves much to be desired. When I went to see her, I never knew what exactly they had just cleaned up in the hall. There were people hollering for no reason (found that out the hard way) and it freaked me out sometimes, but I was there to see her so I put my big girl panties on and did it. If your mother's able to get out for a ride in your car or lunch sometime, do it. They'll help you get her into the car and send a wheelchair along if she's able to be pushed around. It's not a prison. I'm sorry about your mom.
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EarthQuake64,

I am sorry to hear about your feelings visiting your mother in the nursing home and your guilt for putting her there. Many caregivers struggle with this move. Our AgingCare.com Editors addressed this issue to help caregivers like you with these feelings and emotions. I hope the following two articles can help you as you transition through this process. Best of Luck.

Get Over Feelings That Prevent You From Visiting the Nursing Home
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/visiting-elderly-nursing-homes-guilt-stress-emotions-139127.htm

and

"I Promised My Parents I'd Never Put Them in a Nursing Home"
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/I-Promised-My-Parents-I-d-Never-Put-Them-In-a-Nursing-Home-133904.htm

Karie
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I don't feel uncomfortable going to visit.
I feel guilty because I don't go as much as others think I should.
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I went through the same feelings with my mom when she was in a nursing home after a fall. BUT, it is sooo important for her that you continue to visit as often as you can. You may not be able to see it in her but it does make a difference. My mother's condition became a little worse when I hadn't been in to see her for a few days. I agree with the others-if you can get her out a little bit it will help her and you. If the facility has a garden or is in the city where you can walk her around it may not feel so bad. I'm sorry you and your mom are going through this...it really is not pleasant by any means. Take advantage of the time you have with her while she is here.
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My father was in a nursing home/hospice for 10 days before he died after a long illness. At first, I was a little uncomfortable but then decided to make friends with patients and staff. They cried with me as an ambulance was called for Dad the night he died. I think trying to become a part of the nursing home "family" helped me get over the strange feelings I had about the facility. Your mother sounds like she is having a difficult time adjusting to the environment which is understandable but frightening. Do you have a better facility in mind for her? What is her prognosis if you don't mind sharing information? Take care and please stay in touch.
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I wouldn't worry about what other people are saying about how often you should visit. Who are they to judge for they are not in your shoes and do not know you whole life situation. I am sorry that she is in a NH and I would also try to find out what medicines the doctor has her on to see if that is causing her to be so disoriented. Plus, I would find out what the diagnose was of her fall. Of couse, this is what I would do and everyone is different and everyones circustance are different as well. With that said, don't let others tell you how you should feel or what and how much you should do for your mom. There are plenty of resources out their as well to help you deal with what you are going through during this crisis situation.
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I think everyone does......my mom is in a dementia care part of assisted living and our visits actually upset her and make her MORE agitated....making the situation even worse! However, we cannot be excpected to NOT visit her. I find myself walking around the parking lot avoiding the front door of the facility and leaving each time with a huge stomach ache. It's the feeling of not being able to help her, to make her more comfortable or happier that eats away at us, no? I got some advice from another "daughter" whose mom has been in this particular facility for 6 years. when I asked her "how do you ever get used to this?". Her answer to me was: "You don't, you just come her and you love her, and you leave."
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I understand completely how you are feeling. First of all, there should be some sort of patient council or care conference for your mom, especially in the first few weeks after her admission. Her confusion may be drug related, "sun-downing" or maybe she's trying to protect herself by "checking out" and not facing reality.
Second of all, if someone tells you that you are not visiting enough or that you are not doing something right, tell them to take a big, deep breath and blow it out their ***. You are the one who knows what you can and cannot do and you need to be comfortable with yourself and your decisions.
The last entry had some great words of advice- "You come here and love her, and you leave" Just know that these words are easy to say, but it takes time to make them true for you. Jean
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I would not wait days to see or talk to her. I am going through the same thing. Single, cant lose my job.........changes in mom. she fell in septemeber, hospitals and nursing facilities change meds sometimes on a daily basis. Ask, see and be there daily. That quick of a change scares me, since I have seen 4 local facilities in my area. Mom is in the hospital again......for the I dont know how many times. The get community deseases, urinary tract infections and septcis, flus pneomonia, and you name it in facilities along with drugs they are not used and sometimes do not need. get a drug list use drugs . com or interaction websites and check for that as well as drug side affects. Also request UTI test. They have so many to take care of that your mom may be left sitting in a mess instead of in the bathroom. My mom has failed horribly since her accident. Be on top of it. hire private CNA's or sitters to let you know whats going on when you are not there. I have been going through this for nearly 6 months. I feel mom should have come home for therapy and avoided the multiple hospital visits for reason that could have been avoided. Just trying to deal with the now and keep my job. Health care is not what it used to be. Lots of hugs and luck you. Hope it turns out better there than it has for me and mom here.
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Hey, I wanted to add to these answers on a different aspect of things. When I broke my right leg, I was in a Nursing Home for a month. Then another time I had a stroke and was in another facility for awhile. It's not only a big adjustment for you, it's a bigger adjustment for your mother. I was only 52 the first time I was in one. I was in a loving and caring environment, shall I add, very clean also. But yes, there are people that roam the halls all day and half the night in their wheel chairs, talking to themselves, singing to themselves, and some holler all the time. I felt bad about asking to be moved out of a room one time because the lady in the room with me would not let me ever turn the TV the a channel I wished to watched. She died two weeks later, that's why I felt bad about it. If I'd only known. But the lady I moved in with was more my age and my boys brought me a small TV for myself. My boys were good about bringing what I ask for and other family members brought things also. There are people there that will creep you out, especially in the night time. Some will even wander into your room by mistake. I couldn't get out of bed for the first week or so. After that I would wonder the halls also. However, the next place I was in, wasn't so nice and clean. I was in a ward with four beds and a lady that hollered 24/7. I couldn't sleep at all. The food gave me stomach trouble and physical therapy would not listen to me when I told them I was too sick. They came and made me get up to go for therapy. The air conditioner went out and it was close to 100 degrees outside. They moved in another person that wouldn't let me turn the fan at all. I tried to get close enough to the fan in the, so called, rec area and the not so with it patients, threatened me. I had to go to the head of the home and even that didn't do any good. The halls were filthy and not separated into male and female areas. There were some dirty old men that where creepy as heck. I was very fortunate that my parents came and rescued me. So I want to add this to conclude, just make sure you know what kind of place you are putting a loved one when you must have other ways to care for them. There are for sure, nice Nursing Homes in this country as well as not so nice Homes. Do your research, don't let your medical professional put them just anywhere. If a place has a bad feel or bad smell even, then you can be sure, it's not the right place. If you see BIG nurses roughing frail old people to change them or put them in a wheelchair or bed, that's not the right place either. You can tell well enough, if you can't, then take another relative or close friend with you to check out a place. I've been in and visited some low income but very loving facilities. You don't have to go broke to find one where they care for your people. The high end places are wonderful, but not everyone can afford to live in those places. Just do your homework and it will work great for everyone. And yes, it all takes adjustment, on both ends, yours and you loved ones. If you find you've made the wrong choice, keep shopping.
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I want to thank everyone that replied to my first question, it did help a bit. Now I have another question. My father has become bedridden and my mother is worn total out from taking care of him. They have paid through the nose for years for Long Term. So a lady came for an assessment today. The Ins. company had not called her yet like they suppose to do. She had mom call to inquire and she found they only pay $40 a day. Most services charge more than that per hour. She also was told, she had to pay so much Out of Pocket before they kicked in. It was terrible and heart breaking. Dad needs 24/7 care and mama can only sleep when he sleeps. She has no time to hardly fix meals for him. She can't finish eating a meal without having to stop for him. It's a sad situation. I have tried to tell her what her only options are. They decided years ago, never to put one another in a Home. Now it's killing her to try to care for him. She will not listen to any of my suggestions. She adamant about it. It's NO NO NO, to everything I tell her. Can another tell me what I should do. I get nothing out of my other two sisters. They live hundreds of miles away. They have removed themselves from the situation. I am in need of advise. Bad need, like yesterday.
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I can't say that I enjoy visiting my mother in the nursing home for her vascular dementia and Alzheimer's continues to worsen with time, but I recognize this is part of the declining process. My step-dad has noticed an increase in frequency of my mother having a confused day vs a clear day. When she tells me that she's been on a trip, which is never true, I just go along with it and listen. She's about to begin her fourth year at this nursing home, but thinks she's only been there for two months. I live an hour away and both my wife and I are on full disability along with having two sons in college. So, we have our hands full with our own issues.
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I understand and feel for all of those who are not used to seeing a parent in a rehab/nursing home environment, especially a dementia care unit. I was that person a few weeks ago. My mother had one fall too many, was taken to the hospital and after a week quickly (too quickly) placed in a dementia unit of a nursing home for rehab.

This facility insisted on putting her on an anti-psychotic drug for agitation. Everyone is on one of the three drugs. There's a screamer on the floor - a drugged person who sleeps most of time but has bouts of screaming when she wakes up. It is unsettling to all the residents. The atmosphere is institutional, not at all homey, and the music and TV are on LOUD all the time. Residents are not allowed in their rooms alone except to sleep, so they cannot escape the noise.

Needless to say, I arranged for a transfer to another place which, although a locked unit, allows the residents to wander and go back to their room alone when quiet time is needed. The atmosphere is homey, lots of overstuffed chairs, a beautiful dining room and lots of therapy - PT, art, music, etc., all paid for by medicare and supplemental insurance. They take no "screamers," people with behavioral problems and will take my mother off her anti-psychotic drug if at all possible. At first she was "cuckoo" on the drug, but after about a week has regained her lucidity. Apparently, this is a common phenomenon with these drugs.

My mother will, hopefully, come home once she has gained maximum Physical Therapy benefit from the new place. I wish you the best of luck!!
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I remember how I felt when I first visited a NH in the '80's. The smell, the "screamers" (all NH have them - severely disoriented or demented people), and the occasional aide who's having a bad day and being abrupt with her patients. They are (mostly) better now, but it all goes along with the territory.
I gather that part of your guilt is there because you do love her and want to care for her. YOU ARE! Once your mother recovers from her fall and subsequent disorientation she may become more herself. At that time, usually within 3 months (and, by the way, that's all Medicare will pay for) she may be able to go to an assisted living facility or even home with hired caregiver help. The latter choice is the least expensive of the three and no matter where she is you will still be the one making sure she gets the proper care. Whatever caused the fall in the first place could happen again and no matter where she is - home, AL or NH she could fall again. If falling is the only problem it needs to be addressed directly, it is not cause to place one in a NH.
For now, with a little "attitude adjustment" on your part, visit her as much as you can. Go to the garden, or for walks (in her wheelchair if she has one), or to listen to the entertainment they bring in. Take chocolates (cookies, peanuts, whatever) a reward for both of you, and share with the staff. They will remember you and they know how difficult it is for you. If she doesn't respond to you she might be angry (you did the only thing you could do), or more likely she may be under the effects of some medication or combination of meds. Likely, she still looks forward to your visits and a change from the daily routine. Talk to her personal physician to get your questions answered about meds, cause of the fall, prognosis.
Yes, it's hard. I worked as a therapist in NHs for awhile and it took me a little time before I could walk in the door looking forward to the people I would interact with and not notice the unpleasant things. Hang in there and know lots of us care.
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It is very difficult to see your family member in that state. My mom has also changed too. I do not find it hard to see her but hard to say goodbye when I leave. She was very stubborn her whole life and now since the morphine she gets very confused, always want constant attention from the nursing staff and is very mean and hurtful sometimes. What I mean is she will sometimes pretend to act confused for attention and when I catch her up on it... Well she acts just like normal... I am not the only one who noticed it either.

She would always use her "house" as a way for me to take care of her and do her bidding and now that my husband and I are making it alright she is very jelous over not having any control anymore and very sneakingly mean.

Sorry to get off subject... just venting.... it does not get any easier.
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puckmomma, it is ok to vent! I am glad that you and your husband are making it alright. Her missing not having any control over you to do her bidding is her monkey not yours. It is sad that she chooses to be sneakingly mean, very passive aggressive sounding.

Nope, it does not get any easier to see them decline. My mother continues to get very confused about what season of the year it is and has these delusions of going on trips that she's not gone on in years, plus thinks because of those delusions that she can go to yard sales on Saturday as if she totally forgets that she cannot walk, nor has she walked in almost 3 years now, nor can function in a wheel chair. She used to be so in control and so controlling of me as a child through my years in college and it upset her when I let her know that I was putting my wife ahead of her. In many ways dealing with my MIL has been like dealing with my controlling mother who did not want her daughter to get married. I'm glad that my wife got her freedom and that I have mine. Basically, we come into this world weak and helpless and we leave this life weak and helpless.
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Well mom is into her 4th week of rehab and hospitals, she's been back and forth. She is so angry with me that I won't take her full time into my home to live with me. I have tried to explain to her that I can't physically take care of her needs, she refuses to hear it. I'm the daughter and that's just the way it should be according to her. I work full time and have one brother who she expects literally nothing of, not even for him to visit, as "he works". You can't make this stuff up, I've spoken to the social workers at the hospital and have suggested that either 24/7 livin in care would be needed or possibly a nursing home. Mom is just shutting me down completely. My husband who has had the patience of a saint with her has just about had enough, he doesn't want to visit her anymore either. I've stayed away for 2 days and last night got a sobbing phone call asking why I wasn't there. Not looking for any answers, just venting.
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Yesterday I went to visit my mother. I'm not sure she knew me. I walked into her room and she was sitting on her bed staring at the floor. "Mother, I'm here" I said. She stared at the floor. Then she glared at me. "Want some water." I got here some water. Then she said, "I wanna walk on one foot." I said, "I can't walk on one foot. "I wanna learn to walk on one foot." Then she said, "I wanna walk to the bathroom. I wanna walk on one foot." The CNA was busy with my mother's roommate so I found a couple of technicians who could help my mother. They got here to lie down on the bed to change her diaper. "No! No!" she wailed. "You don't understand what I want! I wanna walk on one foot!" What is happening to my mother. It was just last month we were able to have some rational conversations. I've never seen anyone lose their mind so fast.
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Debhuitt, she stated that your mom, "she will not listen to any of my suggestions," and that pretty much your two sisters have left. It seems your mom don't won't any help or why would she refuse your suggestions? You mention that, "your two sisters have removed themselves from the situation," and maybe they see that it no use being the mom is so adamant?
Can she afford to put him in a NH if you try and talk to her that she has done all she can and that you are very proud of her doing what she has for him, but, now it may seem a time for him to be in a place where medical staff are their to assist him. Maybe she can still go their to help him out some at a NH. Maybe someone else will have a more helpful solution to help you out but all you can do is talk to your mom and you can only do so much as well. Maybe she will listen to someone else that would recommend having him place in a NH like a social worker or the lady that done the assessment. Just a thought.
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EarthQuake, I never personally had to experience just yet for one of my mom or dad in a NH. However, we did have an uncle in one and yes, it can be depression looking sometimes. Not sure mom is AZ but their are different stages and that can play a role and she could be on some medicine as well. I would ask the head nurse what all is she on and if this is normal. I notice for my mnl can be very confused during the late evening hours and between the time 2 -4 pm is for some reason her argumental mood. Not all the time but most of the time. So, I'm not sure your mom has AZ which can have different effects depending on the person and their health. I would ask the head nurse and find out what she is on and if that is the cause of her actions. If she just their due to the fall and its the meds then, I hope she recovers real soon so she can be back at home.

Janetakachappy mention to do our research about the different NH and I think that is great advice for I have checked on NH and some have had bad reportings and very few here in my area have good ratings. It such a shame for it seems that the worker get burned out too and they must take it out on the elders for they cannot defend for themselves. I think that those who are in a NH should be re-evaulated to keep an check on their stress level and to give them some emotional and destressor support at work. This would help the employees remember why they are their in the first place. Which is to care for the elders who cannot help themselves and it could possibley help the elders feel more relaxed in a different enviornment and it could give them a sense of dignity, love and respect.
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Earthquake, I would ask if your mother is on haldol, serequell or reperidol and what the dose is. If she is, ask if the dosage can be reduced. My mother was put on resperidol and was on .5 mg. After a week and a half and with some lost sleep, she was totally cuckoo, so last night she was to get only .25 of the drug. I am hoping she will be more lucid today. Being in an unfamiliar environment can cause dementia to suddenly worsen, and the disease itself does worsen, in my experience, dramatically at times only to improve as suddenly. It is a heartbreaking phenomenon to witness.
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Try to go in with a positive attitude before you visit. Check with the nursing staff when you visit to see how her day is going. You can still have quality visits together-bring in a memory book and reminisce about "the good old days". You can read to her, get a take out dinner from her favorite restaurant and have a picnic together in the new facility, go to a facility activity together like Bingo or Church. The transition may be difficult at first for both of you. Remember that there are many caring staff members that devote their careers to residents in long term care. Visit often and share any concerns you have with appropriate staff members. Maybe have a volunteer from chuch come in to visit her for extra support. Hope some of these ideas are helpful to you.
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