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Our loved one needs help with all ADLs and he has been living in a personal care home with available care resources. He has been on hospice care for 6 months because he qualifies physically for the added care. The problem is that he refuses the care and his health is declining because of it. Both the home and hospice nurse say they can’t force him to accept the care. The situation is frustrating and infuriating because our loved one is sitting in soiled briefs for the entire day and their skin is breaking down. They are no longer ambulatory and can no longer transfer themselves to the toilet or bed and have repeated falls. Has anyone else ever had this experience? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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Let him decline: the honest answer is the faster they decline and finally pass, it’s a huge relief. My mother is in a nursing home, she refuses to eat sometimes unless someone from the family feeds her. I won’t go to feed her. I refuse to cater to declining invalid and waste time on her: her life is over.
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Reply to Berry2017
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Slartibartfast Apr 28, 2026
I understand you have issues with your mother whom you have described as vile and awful. But you can’t come on here advising others to neglect their loved one, whom they love, to get them to die faster. Get yourself in check, folks come here to get or offer help.
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What I've learned with my husband is, "Don't Ask". If you ask the answer will always be "NO". If the patient has a soiled diaper, it needs to be changed. I've never heard of a care home leaving someone in soiled briefs because the patient refuses to let them change it.
My husband has been fighting me changing his briefs for 10 years. I still do it because it needs to be done.
Hospice needs to make sure his skin is being taken care of. Skin breakdown is the number one most asked question from doctors, nurses, caregivers, caregiver supervisors, hospice nurse. I have someone call me quarterly just to ask if he has any skin breakdown, and I am supposed to report it to my care company if I see any sign of skin breakdown, and they will follow up to make sure it is being addressed, and ask what is being done until it is resolved.

I think your care home and your hospice nurse are both being lazy. It is irresponsible to not change soiled briefs on a patient who is immobile.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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This sounds like potential neglect of care in the environment they are in . You may consider following up with the facilities director or case manager or social worker and nurse responsible for their care. A department to order occupational therapy/ physical therapy/ or transfer to a different setting or different facility with a doctors referral. This type of situation can also be reported to your local healthcare department or health and human services for further evaluation.
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Reply to Senior8
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After a lot of trial and error, I have an agreement with the assisted living facility to dress, toilet, and get her into and out of bed in the morning and evening on a three-month trial basis. I presented it to Mom as a trial -- "let's try it and see if you like it" -- and talked up the advantages, and she agreed to it. The next time I spoke to her, she had forgotten she agreed to it, but I let it slide. I am starting to talk to aides about their approach to her: "let me do this for you" instead of "can I help with that?" There can be a lot of turnover with aides, so there may be a lot newbies still honing their skills. I, too, need to do more directing and less asking for permission from Mom. Going from kid to caregiver takes some effort.
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Reply to Mary1234567
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This is not acceptable at all. He needs to be moved to a place where he will be kept clean and dry. I would also report the facility for abuse.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Hospice by standard offers three “comfort” drugs. Morphine, Ativan, and Haldol or Seroquel. The latter two are designed to quell agitation. Talk to the hospice nurse about upping the dosages of the latter so that he can be cared for before this proceeds to bedsores at which point you will then need morphine.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Sandra2424 Apr 25, 2026
I agree with this advice. I wonder, however, why hospice nurses are not aware of his lack of care and advanced medical condition to make this recommendation in the first place. It is concerning that people on a care forum have to instruct the family to bring up meds for a patient who is lying in waste. He also seems to be too advanced for AL and should be in SNF with hospice. If AL cannot take care of him, they are liable for neglect and should refer the patient to ECF.
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Your loved one is on hospice because he's believed to have 6 months or less left to live. Nobody qualifies for hospice because they need "extra care"....the costs are astronomical and Medicare would never approve it. Not to mention hospice refuses to change his soiled brief.......🙄

The caregivers in this "personal care home" should know how to change your loved ones dirty briefs in spite of him not wanting them changed. When I worked in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility, the caregivers all knew how to change briefs on screaming and fighting residents.

If the CGs at this facility do not learn how to change briefs on an objectionable elder, they're all in for a world of hurt. Your loved one will develop sores and skin issues that can be fatal. You're paying for care. Make sure loved one GETS care or move him to a facility that will GIVE him proper care. And hire a new hospice company too. While you cannot physically place a fighting elder under a shower head, you CAN change his soiled brief in order to avoid lawsuits. I'd mention that word to this facility.

I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you good luck and Godspeed with a difficult situation.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Yes, by law they can't force him but there are ways to work around that. If my daughter has a resident that won't bathe she says "Mrs M, would you not feel so better all nice and smelly good with nice fresh clothes on." The answer then was yes and off they would go. I found with staff that they would ask "Do you want to get a showerer" Of course the answer was no. I told the aide to stop asking. Just say "time for a shower" and Mom went.

Why does husband want to sit in soiled Depends all day? If he is cognizant, then he can be reasoned with. Its causing his skin to break down and next bedsores that will hurt and get infected. Lets try to stop that from happening. I understand the law but, when him not allowing people to help with his care effects others, thats not right. Meaning the smell that is coming off him.
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