Not that my Dad needs to go into care, but recently my sibling said that she didn't want him going into care (mind you she's not the POA, my brother is) but she's worried that if he ever has to, that all the money will be used up if he lives longer than expected and she'll end up with nothing. I can't believe how mercenary she has become. My brother at least is more compassionate in saying that he feels bad that my hubby and I are stuck with him, as he is unable to look after Dad because he and my SIL don't get on. My brother makes good money, and before my mum passed, he and SIL wanted to put them into a retirement village because there were too many dangers for them living at home. My dad said absolutely not. So 3 years ago, my mum fell down the back stairs and sustained brain injury and died. Now Dad is living with us because he was doing too many silly things and could no longer drive. He's OK with us.
But my sister says they have no compassion in a nursing home. Like she knows. I've worked with aged care for 20 years.
We just bought a house that had been the home of an elderly gentleman who passed away last summer. I guess his 7 kids and multiple grands and nieces and nephews pretty much used him as a walking ATM. (As I am spending more time at the house meeting with contractors and stuff, neighbors are coming by to meet me and chat and my heart aches for this gentleman whom, I guess, just couldn't say no to his family.)
We bought the house and after we closed on it, they read the will. This wise man left not one dollar to his family-he left it all to the church he loved and served in for 80 years. I guess he changed his will in the last few months of his life, he was perfectly healthy and of sound mind.
The ONE relative we spoke to said the family was beyond furious as he had millions of dollars. I guess he got the final say.
One should NEVER expect an inheritance. Never.
Given she has "given herself away" you and the POA brother need to understand it is crucial you keep meticulous records of your costs and that you get reimbursed for the care you are giving . See an elder law attorney to work out a contract that the mercenaries in the family cannot question. Do not discuss things with the mercenaries. They have shown you who they are; believe them.
Sounds like she's talking out of both sides of her mouth.
If dad's needs wind up becoming too great for you to deal with at home, his wishes AND your sister's wishes will have to be overlooked in favor of getting him the proper care he needs. The realities of life sometimes interfere with one's wishes & desires, isn't that the truth?
Good luck to you!
In contrast, my brothers and I received constant messaging from my parents that they intended to spend anything they had on themselves and that were not to think about any inheritance.
It worked.
We were able to work together to get my mom the best care she could afford without us thinking about our financial situations, since we all had our own careers and lived within our means.
That's a powerful gift to give kids.
You are the one who should be getting the lion's share of an inheritance because you're the one doing all the work and you took him in.
However your sister is right about all the money getting eaten up if your father goes into facility care. That will happen unless all of his property, bank accounts, and assets are out of his name for at least the last five years. Or unless he has a good long-term care policy.
Your sister isn't entirely wrong about there being a lack of compassion in nursing homes. She's not exactly right either. I've known many top-shelf nursing home CNA's whose pay was crap but went the extra mile every day for the residents. Care facilities are always understaffed when it comes to CNA staff and they are the people who actually take care of the residents. These days when a family has an elder in a nursing home they hire their own private-pay aides to do ADL's like feeding, personal care, dressing, and companionship because there isn't enough aide staff to give each resident their undivided attention. Your sister should know about this. That people make all kinds of arrangements when their loved one goes into a facility.