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Not that my Dad needs to go into care, but recently my sibling said that she didn't want him going into care (mind you she's not the POA, my brother is) but she's worried that if he ever has to, that all the money will be used up if he lives longer than expected and she'll end up with nothing. I can't believe how mercenary she has become. My brother at least is more compassionate in saying that he feels bad that my hubby and I are stuck with him, as he is unable to look after Dad because he and my SIL don't get on. My brother makes good money, and before my mum passed, he and SIL wanted to put them into a retirement village because there were too many dangers for them living at home. My dad said absolutely not. So 3 years ago, my mum fell down the back stairs and sustained brain injury and died. Now Dad is living with us because he was doing too many silly things and could no longer drive. He's OK with us.
But my sister says they have no compassion in a nursing home. Like she knows. I've worked with aged care for 20 years.

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I have one sibling, who has done literally nothing to help with either parent nor the house, anything...has called and visited mom maybe 3 times in 5 years. She did show up after Dad passed to take some things. Asked the executor ( another relative ) at least once for " an advance on her inheritance". This from a woman who owns two homes in high priced areas. I've learned a cognitive trick where I literally change my thought patterns if I start thinking about my sibling, but it's so hard when mom asks if I know where she is. I do know where she is, my sister just doesn't care whatsoever.

It's with great joy that I spend MOM'S money, on MOM. She's in a place with lovely people who I can't praise enough. I'm stressed out enough now, I think I'd be suicidal if mom lived with me. I don't need one cent from mom - spending on her care is the best investment ever - and hope I never see my sibling again.

I'm not a martyr or a monster when it comes to my parents' decline and passings, it's just been so hard to balance. Being related to a sibling who is that greedy is mind boggling, isn't it?

So I'll keep spending mom's own money on what she needs. Extra bonus, the MC she's at offers hair salon services and short massages by a geriatric expert. Whoopee! Bring it on! This situation is so heart gutting I have fun with these quality of life expenses.

I hope for the best for you!

PS: Mom's money is locked up like Fort Knox. Nobody touches it except her bills.
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Themissus Feb 2022
Thankyou. I never realised how greedy she was until last year. Her husband is an attorney and makes good money yet she still is crying poor mouth. I just don't know what to say to her anymore or else I'll lose it and say terrible things .
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There has been some wonderful advice here for my post. I guess I'll just have to see what comes around. My first concern is my dad. It just upsets me such mercenary behaviour from my sister . I guess time will tell at what stage our relationship will disintegrate.
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Themissus: Your father's financials ARE for his care. Your sister, for all intents and purposes, seems to not only be against nursing home care without any investigation on her part, but also appears to be quite self serving.
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Themissus Jan 2022
Yes, that she is. Always has been a taker, she and my dad have always clashed. I think she secretly is glad that I have the responsibility of my father, who really is not that diffucult to.care for.
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TheMissus; I have to say that I think that there is a bit of "family culture" here. I grew up with cousins whose family chatter was all about how much dear gramma was worth, and how everone needed to be nice to her so they'd get her money. (PS, she actually had no money, so the joke was on them).

In contrast, my brothers and I received constant messaging from my parents that they intended to spend anything they had on themselves and that were not to think about any inheritance.

It worked.

We were able to work together to get my mom the best care she could afford without us thinking about our financial situations, since we all had our own careers and lived within our means.

That's a powerful gift to give kids.
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Themissus Jan 2022
My Dad is always offering me money which I do refuse, because I don't want to take money from him. Family Culture? The only members of my family with their hands out are my siblings.
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DH's brother first inquired about the value of his parents' estate when both parents were under 60 years old and still working. Seriously? When brother filed bankruptcy the following year, it was my "a-ha moment" that he had apparently been trying to figure out if he could continue pushing his financial problems into the future if he had a ballpark as to the estate value. Nevermind the fact that Mom had been and continued to bankroll Brother both before and after the bankruptcy. Brother was already eyeballing the inheritance as a way to get even more. At some point after that, Brother convinced parents to change their will such that a lump sum that was to come to DH and me was no longer written in. That lump sum was intended be "reimbursement" for all the financial help DH and I never got. Brother went bankrupt a 2nd time after Dad died, but mom was still living (and slipping him money). Even tho she was "helping" him, she was still worth more to him dead than alive and he knew it. She's still going strong at 80+. Inheritance likely won't be much at this point - partly due to being widowed so long and poor financial planning. No one should ever expect an inheritance or feel entitled to someone else's money. That said, cases of true poverty and honest financial need can be handled with care/sensitivity - but still no entitlement to money of others. Brother's financial blunders were mainly extravagances (such as restaurant meals) and misuse of credit cards. Expecting his mother (dead or alive) to fix this silly stuff with HER money was ridiculous.

I should throw in that Mother was constantly trying to get her hands on the money of others as well. I guess her son learned from the finest!! I recall one time where Mom inherited money and Brother immediately put his hand out for a loan!! Loan was paid back eventually... guess how? Brother paid back the loan because he got the money from his wife who inherited money from a relative on her side.

Goodness gracious!! If they would only live within their means!! Planning the future around the death of someone he claimed to love was eerie.
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Trish1750 Jan 2022
OMG,I thought I wrote that story.My MIL fell and broke her elbow and has carpal tunnel in the other hand and therefor upper extremities useless.We were wintering in Florida and the 2 brothers just kept saying she needs to be in a home.Neither of them will help her .We came home and she is living with us while she recovers.She is 89 and long term planning has to be discussed.Everyone wants money,no one wants to help.I don;t get it.I was brought up that you care for your parents no matter what because they cared for you,,,no matter what.My husband and I always believe you plan for your future with your money and no one else's .I don;t get it.I took care of my parents and yes it was grueling and tiring but but it is what LOVE is all about.Being christian we just remind ourselves that God will just them and that we have to look at our own hearts and focus on what we should do,otherwise it makes you crazy.You and your DH are doing a wonderful job caring for his dad.God bless you both.
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It's very common. It happens a lot of times.
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Your Dad should use his money if he needs it. If it becomes too much for you to care for him, you and your brother should look into a good, safe assisted living or memory care facility for him. I'd say the aides in my mother's AL facility have more compassion towards her than your sister has towards your Dad.
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Themissus Jan 2022
I agree
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I see this happening all of the time - it never stops. Any sibling who bears the maximum or all of the responsibility should definitely be entitled to more money if there is any. Second, the money belongs to the sick person and theoretically it should be there for their care. However, I understand why people rebel when you see the thousands of dollars spent on care mostly and for what. The fees are insane and the money just goes, goes, goes - but what is the solution? Perhaps people need to give some money away while things are good and they still have it. I don't know. I became disabled, lost l00% of everything I ever had and I have never been able to accept this way of life. But what could I do? As to the relationship with siblings, if you are doing it all, I would first speak with an eldercare attorney to make sure everything is in perfect order and you are doing it all the right way. Second, as far as siblings who simply refuse to help and care only about money, walk away from them. They are not worth it being in the family. Leave them behind to fend for themselves and move on.
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Themissus Jan 2022
Thankyou Riley 2166. Good advice
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You can tell your sister she's right: there might not be any money left for her. Too bad. Dad's money goes first to his care whether in your home or in a care facility. You did not say anything about your sister offering to take over father's care. Her attitude about money would make her a poor choice for caregiving. She would only be looking at how little of Dad's money would be spent on good care.
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Themissus Jan 2022
You know, she told me not so long ago that she offered my Dad to live near her in a weekender we used to have but was sold,not with her though. He declined as he was a pretty independent man and could still drive at that point. But then she backpedalled, saying thank God she dodged the bullet of having to drive him to.church every Sunday. I was stunned into silence. Always thinking of herself. Anyway, living with us, it's only a 10 min walk to church and shops. He's much better off with my hubby and me.
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First of all if you are the one who is the caregiver to your father and he lives with you. Your sister and brother as well should be informed that their potential inheritance will be far less than they may be expecting even if your father stays out of facility care.
You are the one who should be getting the lion's share of an inheritance because you're the one doing all the work and you took him in.
However your sister is right about all the money getting eaten up if your father goes into facility care. That will happen unless all of his property, bank accounts, and assets are out of his name for at least the last five years. Or unless he has a good long-term care policy.
Your sister isn't entirely wrong about there being a lack of compassion in nursing homes. She's not exactly right either. I've known many top-shelf nursing home CNA's whose pay was crap but went the extra mile every day for the residents. Care facilities are always understaffed when it comes to CNA staff and they are the people who actually take care of the residents. These days when a family has an elder in a nursing home they hire their own private-pay aides to do ADL's like feeding, personal care, dressing, and companionship because there isn't enough aide staff to give each resident their undivided attention. Your sister should know about this. That people make all kinds of arrangements when their loved one goes into a facility.
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Themissus Jan 2022
They'll see to it that they get the majority of inheritance. They don't give a xxxx about me.
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Do what is necessary for your father's health and safety. His money is there to use for his care first. If you are bold, tell your sister that his money is for his care first and inheritance - if any is left - after he passes. She should look for other sources of income. Also, please make sure to use his resources first for his care. If he runs out of funds, help him apply for Medicaid.
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First of all if you are taking care of dad full time you are entitled to be be financially compensated for this. Please consult an elder care lawyer so you are aware of your rights especially that you receive no help from siblings. I thought that was terrible to do but am glad I did for the same reasons you described. Even one sibling wanted money before he passed.
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Sounds like my sister, my parents money is for their end of life. Not to pay off your mortgages and son’s college and rehab. I have no debt and I’ll be punished for that after my mother dies.
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This hits kinda close to home:

We just bought a house that had been the home of an elderly gentleman who passed away last summer. I guess his 7 kids and multiple grands and nieces and nephews pretty much used him as a walking ATM. (As I am spending more time at the house meeting with contractors and stuff, neighbors are coming by to meet me and chat and my heart aches for this gentleman whom, I guess, just couldn't say no to his family.)

We bought the house and after we closed on it, they read the will. This wise man left not one dollar to his family-he left it all to the church he loved and served in for 80 years. I guess he changed his will in the last few months of his life, he was perfectly healthy and of sound mind.

The ONE relative we spoke to said the family was beyond furious as he had millions of dollars. I guess he got the final say.

One should NEVER expect an inheritance. Never.
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Themissus Jan 2022
Indeed. I remember my sister saying at one time not long after mum passed. Dad better not leave all his money to the Catholic Church. You know what. I wish he bloody would.
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You are of course doing the caregiving, so it is questionable to me that the brother is the POA. But I do hope you are a functioning unit together on this, and that when Dad cannot be cared for at home any longer that you will place him for his best way of getting the 24/7 care he requires. As to the sister, it is beyond me why someone did not point out to her at the time she had a case of diarrhea of the mouth that she sounds mercenary and should be ashamed of herself.
Given she has "given herself away" you and the POA brother need to understand it is crucial you keep meticulous records of your costs and that you get reimbursed for the care you are giving . See an elder law attorney to work out a contract that the mercenaries in the family cannot question. Do not discuss things with the mercenaries. They have shown you who they are; believe them.
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Themissus Jan 2022
Thankyou Alva deer. Very good advice.
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Thankyou. My father was pretty hard on her as a child, the truth is they are too much alike. Now with this fake new found concern of hers. It makes me sick
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Your sister is entitled to her mercenary feelings; nothing you can do to change that. She should also understand that her father's money is HIS money and nobody's 'inheritance' until he's dead & buried. That said, your father's money should be used for his care and well being and to reimburse YOU for his board and care in your home, in reality. If dad winds up needing managed care like a nursing home at some point, then so be it. Your sister doesn't want him going into managed care b/c 'they have no compassion in a nursing home' or b/c 'she'll end up with nothing' if he has to use his OWN money to pay for said care?

Sounds like she's talking out of both sides of her mouth.

If dad's needs wind up becoming too great for you to deal with at home, his wishes AND your sister's wishes will have to be overlooked in favor of getting him the proper care he needs. The realities of life sometimes interfere with one's wishes & desires, isn't that the truth?

Good luck to you!
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Themissus Jan 2022
Why is she entitled? Her husband just bought both her and himself both a brand new Audi. Poverty stricken much????
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