My husband had radiation treatments for prostate cancer 20 months ago. Things were fine for a year until total incontinence started setting in. I think the remission is over with because he just got a scan after the last PSA test. No one wants me to know anything yet. They just need me to keep cleaning up after the "accidents". I have men's Depends on hand but not used, so I sneak bed pads around.
And just because your husband is now incontinent doesn't necessarily mean that his prostate cancer is back, but I would most certainly insist that his doctor fill you in as to what exactly is going on so you can better prepare for your husbands care.
As his wife you deserve to know, but you must put your big girl panties on and insist you be told TODAY.
My guess is that he's always been controlling and that you gave up a long time ago and decided to live with it. But you certainly don't have to go on that way! If you've been walking around on eggshells throughout your marriage, be aware that you can walk across those eggshells all the way out the door.
There's a whole new husband-less world out there, and joining a singles club, going on cruises, having your own apartment and blocking him on your phone looks a whole lot better than sneaking bed pads and smelling stinky male pee all over your home. Why are you still there?
Do send a message to his doctor
Usually with the prostate, they can't go. The only time my husband had problems was after a procedure and the anesthetic caused the incontenance. It wore off and everything was OK. The internet says radiation rarely causes this problem. You really need to speak up and be your husbands advocate. You are tge one who cares for him. Use those Depends!
"Radiation therapy for prostate cancer can cause incontinence, but it is less common than with surgery, affecting roughly 4% to 11% of patients long-term. While temporary urgency and leakage are common during treatment due to inflammation (radiation cystitis), permanent, severe incontinence is rare."
Sometimes we men need help but don’t realize we need help or are trying to save our loved-ones worry, when all that is accomplished is more worry.
I would encourage you to have both a medical and financial power of attorney (POA). You for your husband and your husband for you. Also, if you have children, they can also be POAs for each of you. If not children, then a younger, close friend who knows your wishes.
My sister and I were both POAs for my dad and mom. Dad died from cancer; Mom died from Alzheimer’s. It was extremely important that we had the POAs for my parents, especially for our mom. I was able to insist on better care, because we had the POAs in place. I shudder to think how it would have all transpired, especially for Mom, had we not had the POAs in place, well in advance of her illness.
I have never been married, so I am limited on experience in terms of giving advice on marriage, as did one of the posters. I have always thought that married couples are supposed to share and help each other go through life. My sister and brother-in-law are very good about this sort of thing. I believe they take the “for better or for worse” pledge seriously.
If your husband does not accept using the Depend, perhaps you might want to have a discussion with him about how difficult it has been for you to cleanup after him and that wearing the Depend would help cut back on your workload. I am sure you understand that this must be said in a loving manner, which I believe should always be the way in any relationship.
You are in a difficult situation. I am sorry for you, and I am sorry that you are not brought into the discussion more. If that is coming from your husband, then it must be accepted, due to the laws. However, if it is coming from the doctor only, I would push back some…after you have checked with an attorney as to your rights as a wife.
As other posters have alluded to, if there is any hint of cognitive decline such as Alzheimer’s, you MUST get the POA in place immediately, if you don’t have one in place already.
I will say a prayer for you and hope your heart gets lighter.
That new journey of watching my spouse being brave while facing new challenges was heartbreaking.
Marriage vows are a commitment to a life for better or worse, sickness and health, etc.
I was proud to be his spouse, was blessed that we were still together as often one at home, the other in a facility for care. Was thankful for all our years together and that I had decent health to be able to be his caregiver.
Yes, tired and exhausted sometimes, but he more challenged dealing with that diagnosis, never knowing when cancer would steal him from me.
There was incontinence, I helped him ease into wearing incontinence wear. It was hard for him to deal with, there were accidents. So what ? I loved him and stood by him.
I am very sorry about how you feel. Yes, you are challenged. Think of how he feels, embarressed, scared. Why not try to understand how hard it is to cope with something he has no control over.
He needs your love and support.
Gradually help him adjust to wearing something by emphasizing how much more comfortable it will be for his skin being dry, no surprises of sudden wetness (that has to be really scarry for a guy to cope with, that sudden flow that is uncontrollable). Maybe mention that it will help you, that you are concerned about his comfort. Make a deal, try depends just a night, so he can get good night of. sleep.
We used washable high absorbant
bedpads as he was a heavy wetter and dispoasable did not handle this.
Had a night I changed bed 3 times
along with jammies and that did it. He was ready for disposables in order to sleep. Did make the transistion to full time use.
Except the brand name in daywear or overnights not as great as advertised. Spouse said uncomfortable and scratchy. Tried various offbrands, like store brand. These were softer. Use a barrier cream to protect skin from moisture. And, place a very absorbant pad inside disposable underwear.
It is very difficult for a man to handle this. And hard for the spouse also. Compassion and love is needed.
This may sound "corny" but I felt blessed that we were together, rather than in separated housing ( one at home, other assisted living.
I was thankful he chose me for his spouse and grateful he was still alive.
He just recently died, a part of me has died. I would gladly take on more years of caregiving, exhausting as it sometimes can be, just to be able to journey through life together.
I will pray for you both.